"Merry Christmas"

I would like to wish anyone that may read this blog a Merry Christmas. 

I'm always down this time of year because I don't have a lot of money to spend on presents and I also don't have a significant other.  I tell myself every year that I'm not going to get in that negative type of mind set.  However, year after year I do the same thing and have the same kinds of thoughts.  The closer Christmas gets the angrier I get, the more anxiety I feel the more inappropriate my behavior becomes.  I have said a lot of off color things this holiday season and it's upsetting because everyone thinks I'm funny when I'm actually crying on the inside which makes my rage even more intense. 

I went to church last night with my cousin and after listening to the sermon it hit me that I'm focusing on the wrong things at Christmas.  Christmas is about the birth of Jesus not about if a person has a girlfriend or boyfriend.  It also doesn't matter how much money you have to buy presents with.  With that said my goal for 2015 is to learn more about the Bible and lead a more religious life.  While I still have plenty of manic feelings going to church and looking at Christmas a little differently helped me out.

"How My Bipolar Disorder Is Doing"

I haven't written a whole lot about how my Bipolar Disorder lately and thought it's about time for an update.  The last six weeks or so I've been more hypomanic than at any other time this year.  I've been more aggressive with other people and always ready to start a fight.  Anxiety has been a really tough issue for me and can happen because of a number of things including being around lots of people, driving, watching television, or being startled.  The possibilities with my anxiety are endless and don't follow a set pattern at all.  About the last six weeks I've also been very hypersexual and looking at lots of pornography.  I don't presently have my own car which is a good thing because if I did I would be out soliciting sex from both males and females.  Just being able to type that here makes me feel good because when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I really couldn't come to grips with any of it.  I buried myself inside the shame of all the bad things I had done and let them consume me.  I've also been experiencing a number of other symptoms such as reduced need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, and deep depression.

To say the least, the last six weeks have been rough is an understatement.  I haven't had any changes in my medications and my psychiatrist  doesn't want to change any doses just yet because of other medications I'm taking.  To cope with this hypomanic behavior I've been doing a number of things.  I listen to guided meditations every night before I go to bed which help to relax my mind and give me a fresh start.  I also find that writing helps me to relax and put things in perspective.  This isn't an all inclusive list of how I handle my Bipolar simply because every time it invades my head it's different.  I can usually feel that something isn't right but I don't always have the same symptoms.  As of right now I'm trying really hard to do what I need to do and praying that this episode will pass.

"An Update On Me"

2014 has been a pretty rough year for me in terms of medical issues.  Am I going to survive everything?  At this point my answer would be yes.  It's just that I had so many things happen at the same time that it was all very overwhelming.  Had I not neglected to see a doctor for close to fifteen years my medical issues probably would have been spread out over time and a little less overwhelming.  However it may be I'm just glad that I'm getting things taken care of now.  In addition to Bipolar Disorder I'm also being treated for Diabetes Type 2, Acid Reflux, High Blood Pressure, Adrenal Adenoma, Sleep Disorder, Persistent Cough, Frozen Shoulder, and most recently a Fatty Liver.  This isn't the entire list of everything I've got going on but it's all the major things. 

I've been upset about all of this but have come to the conclusion that all I can do is move forward and try to do better by my body.  My right side close to my Liver has been hurting a little bit the last six months or so and when I was told I have a Fatty Liver I flipped out.  Every bad thing went through my head and I felt like my days were numbered.  All I could think about was me dying and that scene played out in my head hundreds of times.  I finally got sick of it and thought about what the doctor had told me which was that he was going to monitor my Liver with blood work and that I should seriously lose weight which can help my liver to repair itself.  So, I'm giving the diet thing another chance and trying to lose as much weight as possible.  Seeing that it's Christmas I probably won't lose a lot but one Christmas and New Year's are done I'll be on a quest to lose a lot of weight.  I'm hoping this time will be a little different because I have the help of a Dietitian to learn the proper way to eat.

If I can achieve substantial weight loss in 2015 some of my health problems may go away which would be awesome.  Anyway, that's an update on me and where I'm at. 

"How I See Christmas"

I always had big dreams when I was a kid of how grand the Christmas holiday would be when I was an adult. There were lots of lights, gifts, friends, family, and food. My being bipolar screwed everything up for me. Maybe if I would have been diagnosed at an earlier age Christmas could be different for me.  I live with my Mother and her along with my sister try and make my Christmas nice which I'll always appreciate. They make sure I have a roof, clothing, and food. I haven't worked for almost four four years now and when you can't afford to give back to everyone thats given to you it's hard and very depressing. I try to stay to myself during the holidays because I get upset often and have a lot of anxiety. However, even though Christmas is hard for me I like to watch "It's A Wonderful Life", "White Christmas", Christmas Vacation" plus whatever is on the Hallmark Channel. I also like to drive around and look at lights during the month of December. While watching old movies and driving around doesn't always make me feel great it does help me to unwind in my head.

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING"

Hello everyone!  It's been over a month since my last post and during that time I've had a lot of things going on in my life.  With that said I want to wish anyone that might read this a Happy Thanksgiving.  For me, Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on the history of our countries  first Thanksgiving in 1621 which was a celebration in honor of a good harvest.  This day also is a time where I give thanks for all the blessings I have in my life.  This year has been a tough year for me but I've got a good family, medical insurance for the first time in years, and better understanding of myself. 

Since I've last posted I have a number of things to update you on.  First off, I got the results back from a scan I had done on my coronary arteries and everything is good.  I have no blockages and it's alright for me to resume activity which is a good thing.  Second, I had a CT scan of my chest and everything looked alright except for a small nodule on my right adrenal gland.  In the CT scan they called the nodule Adrenal Adenoma.  I did some reading about it and almost all Adrenal Adenomas are benign which made me feel good.  However, tomorrow I'm having another CT scan done of my adrenal glands just to find out for sure if my nodule is benign.

For now I'm not going to get upset about this small nodule but instead remain calm and live life.  Getting upset about it just gets those little demons that pop in my head from time to time a reason to visit.  So, being as calm as I can be is the best medicine for me.  I will keep everyone up to date on what's happening and again Happy Thanksgiving!

"Update"

It's been a week since my last post and while I wanted to write it was just hard for me to do much of anything this past week but worry.  I new I had an appointment with the Cardiologist this morning and I couldn't get my mind off of it wondering whether my appointment would go well or end up bad.  Well, After going over my stress test, giving me another EKG, and listening to my heart the doctor said she doesn't think I will need a heart catherization but would like to do a CT scan of my heart so that she can get a look at my coronary arteries.  She said she would do this route first rather than do invasive procedure on me if I don't need it.  For now I need to focus on the good I have going for me and try to forget about those things which I stress about. 

"This Week So Far"

This week started out pretty good for me.  I have been taking all my medications like I should be and am feeling better than I was.  The last month I've been masking the way I feel from everyone and I feel like I was in a crisis situation that maybe I should have made a trip to the hospital.  I wasn't taking my medications right, I felt very suicidal, and I was very emotional.  I did happen to lose 10 pounds which is great because of all the weight I've put on.  I just have about 150 pounds to go.

Anyway, back to this week.  I went to my primary care doctor to follow up with him about the stress test I had done two weeks ago and my diabetes.  He said my stress test looked pretty good and that I should start to really work out to lose weight and keep my diabetes in check.  After going through all that he said he wanted to get blood from me since I had fasted and  that he wanted to see me back in three weeks.  Well, I see a third second year resident and everything he does has to go through his
superior.  After about ten minutes of waiting for the nurse to come back in and get my blood the doctor came back in said he needed to talk to me before I left.  So after the nurse took my blood the doctor came back in and wanted to talk about my stress test.

Apparently when he was going over my chart with his boss she said that even though my stress test came back pretty good she wanted him to cover all bases with and refer me to a Cardiologist.  He said that I have a Mild Anterior Ischemia which may be the cause of all the weight I've gained or there may be a blockage somewhere.  My entire mood changed and I felt defeated again.  I know that everything will probably be OK but it just seems like I can't catch a break.  If it isn't one thing it's always another with me.  While the doctor was talking to me I just sat there and stared at him while I cried on the inside.

So my appointment with the Cardiologist is next week and I'm going to try and keep an open mind about.  I'm not going to do too much reading about it on the internet and just do what I was told to do until my appointment.  The doctor put me on a baby aspirin, Statin, and instructed me to limit my physical activity until further notice.

"Feeling Sorry For Myself"

I've been wanting to say something all day today but couldn't come up with anything.  So I gave up this afternoon and just went about my day.  As you can probably guess my day was lousy today and the day before that.  I was told yesterday that I have a mild blockage leading to my heart and.  My Mom told me that we all have aches and pains.  I keep gaining weight and everyone just keeps on feeding me.  I haven't had a job in over three years and I see my siblings all getting to travel and falling in to good fortune when it comes to money.  It seems like everyone around me has someone to root for him or her while I have just myself.  However, I seem to push everyone farther and farther away from me even though deep down that' not what I want.  All of this just wanders through my mind continually and it makes me feel really sorry for myself.

Feeling sorry for myself takes many shapes.  I tend to be hard on myself only focusing on the negative things in my life.  I get angry very easily and am confrontational.  My Mom is the person who sees this side of me the most because she seems to have very little empathy for what I'm going through.  I don't want anything special from her just a little more understanding.  As a result, I tend to just withdraw from everyone and hide in my own little world which hasn't changed since I was a teenager  I'm in the same room with the same paint, furniture,  and carpet.  All I can say is I NEED A POSITIVE CHANGE one of these days.

I'm at a point in my life where nobody is going to do me favors which I've said before.  Somehow, I have to reinvent myself and climb out of this deep dark hole I have myself in.  I have to first try and lose weight and start exercising.  I'm going to customize one of the trackers I have in the blog so that I have something I can measure my progress with.  I'm not sure what kind of exercise I'm going to do yet.  I've put on so much weight that it's hard to do a whole lot but I think walking is in order starting out slowly.  I've done some general reading about exercise and they say that it can do a lot of good for your mind as well as your body.  With that said I'm not going to put anything else on my plate and really work on my weight with diet and exercise which I hope will in turn help me to feel happy for myself.

"Haven't Been Taking My Medications As I Should"

For the last three weeks I've had Bronchitis pretty bad.  I try to sleep lying down at night but feel like I'm drowning  so I've been sleeping sitting up which isn't much better but at least I don't feel as if I'm drowning and can kind of catch my breathe.  I've been coughing so much that my throat is red and I cough up a lot of blood.  Before any of you say that I should contact my doctor I have had an exam and is aware of the problems I've been having and I have an appointment to see him next week.

The problem I'm having is that I've been taking over the counter cough medicine which has Acetaminophen in it which I read can cause a persons lithium level to rise to toxic levels.  So I flipped a coin and decided to stop my lithium and take the cough medicine which also helps me sleep.  Furthermore, I've also not been taking my thyroid or blood pressure medicine as I should the last week.  Additionally, I've been tapering off of klonopin for the last three months and the past week I've been taking more of it than I'm supposed to.

I've just had so many health related things going on that I've been a mental breakdown waiting to happen.  I've had bronchitis for a month, I've slept sitting up for over month so that I can breath, I had to undergo a stress test because of an abnormal EKG, I've been told that if I don't lose weight I will be on the needle as my doctor put it, and I've just felt absent minded. 

I had to cancel my last therapy appointment because I was just too sick to go and I wish that I would have went anyway.  The last therapy session I vowed to keep a daily journal of calories I was consuming, minutes of exercise I was doing, amount of water I was taking in, and my daily pill compliance.  I was also going to keep track of my moods on this track.  The whole idea was for me to take this chart to my therapist so she could look at it and help to keep me on track.  Tomorrow is Monday and I want to start fresh and get back on the bus.  I'm scared that if I don't find my way back to the bus now I may never find my way.

"What I've Been Up To"

It's been five months since I've talked about myself and a lot has happened.  I finally got medical insurance through medicaid and was able to stop going to the free clinic.  I now have  a primary care doctor and he's gotten me physical therapy for shoulder pain I developed in late May.  He also got me an appointment to see an Ophthalmologist to check my eyes since I'm diabetic.  Last week he had me go through a Chemical Stress Test because of an abnormal EKG my psychiatrist ordered.  It's nice to be getting the care I need.  Since last May I've gained over thirty pounds and my diabetes is out of control and my doctor is probably going to put me on shots.  While I'm not looking forward to that I know it's at the point where I don't have a choice.

I'm still at the same facility getting treatment for my Bipolar Disorder 1.  I'm still in therapy going every two weeks and with the same therapist.  Some weeks I feel like I don't need it and other weeks I feel like I do need it.  I was seeing a nurse practitioner  up until she left at the beginning of this year.  I then saw three different psychiatrists over the next six months.  I've been seeing my current psychiatrist since June and like him.  He was a family doctor before going in to psychiatry and he is also a D.O.  not an M.D.  He seems to have a lot of knowledge and has taken me off a lot of medications and said the goal is to get me  on the least amount as needed.  Right now I'm going to do what I need to do and ask a lot of questions.  My bipolar the last four months has been up and down like it was before that.  I still have really bad days where I want to yell at everyone and take down the walls.  Other days I hit both ends of the spectrum at the same time.  Then I have some days where I guess I'm just normal. 

In July I lost my uncle to cancer which he bravely fought for almost a year.  It's hard for me to really talk to anyone about him.  Over the last few years we had become friends and I had really come to respect him.  I would just stop over in the mornings and we would have coffee and talk.  When I told him that I had Bipolar Disorder he told me that if I needed anything he would be there for me.  There's only one other person that's said that to me and that's my father.  If I had one wish it would be to spend one day each with my uncle and dad.

Well,  I know I'm probably leaving something out but that's the cool thing about having a blog.  I can just write another post about it.  It just so happens that I can think of something I left out and will have to talk about.  For now, I'm going to sign off....Take Care!

"I'm Back!"

I had to take a break from doing this blog. There was a lot going on but I felt like I had nothing to say and I didn't want to just put nonsense here. I want my experience with Bipolar to be truthful in the hopes that maybe I can help someone else in their struggles. I feel good to be back writing again as I think it helps me to be more rounded of a person. There are a few changes to the blog that I want to get out of the way and the first one is that there won't be a day number to go along with every post. I survived through the first year and now I just want to write what I want and not feel like I have to give a day by day account of everything happening in my life which is the main reason I had to take a break this past May. Finally, I will only be posting a few times a week for the most part with occasional weeks where I may post everyday. I want the blog to be more relaxed but remain meaningful and I hope it is enjoyable to everyone that visit.

Day 342 "Been A Mixed Two Weeks"

I haven't posted anything in two weeks and hardly been on the computer. I just haven't felt all that good and haven't wanted to do anything. I still have a bunch of spring clean up to do outside and just can't get myself motivated. First off I've had to spend the last two weeks taking and picking up my sister to work because she had knee surgery and can't drive. In addition to that I pick my nephew up from school everyday and babysit him till one pick up his mother or his Dad gets home. I drive about 300 miles a week and I really don't want to be driving either. In the last month I also developed a problem with my shoulder where if I extend it up to reach for something or try to reach behind me it starts to get this burning feeling. I have a doctors appointment in a few weeks and need to get that addressed. Anyway, I just don't feel like doing anything and it hurts. Some days I don't feel like a normal person and look forward to the day when I can feel a sense of normalcy in my life.

Day 328 "Another Mixed Week"

Today my mood has been all over the place, one minute I'm doing OK and in an instant I'm angry. I haven't had any energy and have wanted to sleep a lot. However, I've done a lot of running this week because my sister is unable to drive because she had knee surgery. So I've had to pick up my nephew from school everyday and babysit him 15 hours a week as well as pick my sister up from work three nights a week. All of it has me just about angry. I know I shouldn't be angry but I can't help it. I just want to feel normal and have a stable week.

Day 321 "The Last Few Days"

Today I have had a mild headache and have felt tired all day. I've actually felt like that the couple of days. I had my appointment with my psychiatrist whom I liked and he changed my medications. For the last couple of months I've been taking Lithium and Klonopin. The Lithium seems to keep me manic free and the Klonopin I could use a little more since I've been on it almost a year. Well, he left my Lithium alone, lowered my Klonopin to 2mg/day from 3mg without any kind of taper, added Buspar for anxiety, Prozac for my OCD, and Trazodone to help me sleep. First off I've done a lot of reading on benzodiazepines and everything I've read says you should taper down if trying to quit the drug or changing to a smaller dose. Secondly, I've read a lot of negative things about the Buspar. I've read that some people have weight gain with it and a lot of other people feel groggy with it. Well, I already feel groggy enough with the Trazodone that I feel I don't need to feel any more groggy. I have to be able to drive a car everyday and if I feel doped up I won't be able to. I just cant understand why I have so many issues with all these medications. If I'm not having a side effect I'm reading about them and it scares the heck out of me. Am I just nuts because I feel like it some days. All I know is that I want to do the right thing and get the correct treatment so that I can move on with my life.

Day 316 "Drinking Some Booze Today"

Today I was supposed to get my Lithium level checked for about the twentieth time and I shut my alarm off and went back to bed. I've had the prescription for close to two months and I just can't do it. I have so much running I have to do for other people that I'm just so tired and want to sleep. I want to do more for myself but I feel so drained. I'm scheduled to see the psychiatrist this week and I'm hoping he can get me on an antidepressant that will make me feel and function better. I'm sure he's not going to be happy about me not getting Lithium level done yet but hopefully he can help me get myself back on track. Today I've drank a little bit and while I probably shouldn't have it made me feel like I was normal. The tense feelings and anxiety all have went away. Wish me luck with the psychiatrist everybody. I need something food to happen for myself.

Day 312 "The Same Old Song And Dance"

Today and the last few days have all been similar for me. I have wanted to stay in and feel tired. I got a call from my doctor the other day and was told my thyroid was still elevated as he put it. I did some reading and don't quite understand it but it seems that an out of whack thyroid can cause fatigue. I just know that as soon as I started taking lithium my thyroid became a problem and it's been almost a year and it's still not right. I'm just sick of everything being out of whack with myself and it depresses me something terrible in addition to everything else. I was taken off another antipsychotic here a month ago because of the side effects I was having. It seems I have a low tolerance to a lot of drugs. The worst side effect I have to the antipsychotics seems to be weight gain which sends me over the edge. I'm already over weight and then they want me to take a drug that's going to cause me to gain more weight. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and he's going to try and put me on another antipsychotic drug for depression and I'm just afraid at what it's going to do to me. I'm just going to do my best to not get excited and remain optimistic that everything will work out.

Day 306 "Having A Bad Day"

Today has been pretty bad day for me. I did nothing today and all I wanted to do was sleep. Whenever I was awake all I thought about was all the running I have to do and coordinating of schedules I have to do. All I wanted to do was cry but I'm just at this point where I can't anymore. I feel like everything is what it is and that I'm never going to live a normal life again. Today I thought about different jobs I might be suitable for but I think my age and skill level will hold me back. However, I have started to pray and I'm hoping that if I can build a better relationship with God maybe I will be more at peace and as a result I might have better luck. Today I also thought about how nice it would be to have a companion. I've always been alone and there's just some things only a companion can understand. Everything is just a little overwhelming to me right now and I need so badly for something good to happen in my life

Day 300 "A Big Milestone For Me"

Today marks the 300th day since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and in just a little over two months it will be a year. I have a lot of down days but I can't believe I've done as well as I have. I'm still not totally stable on my medications. It seems like every time they put me on a drug to supplement the Lithium for depression I have side effects. Hopefully one of these days my doctor will find the right mix for me. However, even though I'm depressed a lot of the time I'm not having any side effects from what I'm taking right now. Even though Spring has arrived today has been a dark and dreary day. It feels more like January outside and all I've wanted to do is nothing. I'm dressed but I could easily go back to bed and just sleep. I'm also having trouble getting on my diet to control my diabetes. Ii did it for a month and lost around 16 pounds but to get my numbers down I need to lose a lot more weight. I need to eat to lose and today I haven't felt like eating at all. On the days when I have felt like getting on board my Mom or sister always want to eat out. They always tell me that I can eat anything and that I just have to eat it in moderation. I believe them but I'm addicted to food and have struggled with an eating disorder in the past so I really have to be careful about how I go about dieting. Well, I have been babbling on and feel like I'm going to stop here.

Day 297 "Had A Good Day And Hoping For More"

Today my mood has been level and that has felt very good. My temper has also been level today. I’m not saying today was perfect but it’s days like today that make me feel more optimistic about my future and how it’s going to play out. I want to be able to work again someday and it’s days like today that I feel it will happen again for me. I’m just going to have to make sure that I continue to follow my treatment plan and that I don’t get mixed up with the wrong kind of people. However, it would be nice to have a friend or two. Somebody or maybe a few people I could confide in. Right now I have one good friend but we are always playing phone tag. I’m hoping this summer we can connect. All in all today has been a good day and I hope that I can have more positive days like this.

Day 295 "Worrying A Lot About Everything"

Today my mood hasn't been that horrible and my temper has been alright as well. I did get a little short with my nephew and niece this evening because they're constantly jumping around and it gives me motion sickness. Other than that today has been one of those days where I just have worried about everything. I mostly worried how I'm going to be able to find a job if I my Disability claim is denied. I've been out of work for over three years and the job outlook for the long term unemployed is horrible. Even if I'm awarded Disability I worry that it won't be enough to take care of me. So you can see, I've just had one of those days where I just worried all day. I need to start thinking more positive thoughts and stay optimistic that something good will come my way.

Day 290 "Why I Am The Way I Am?"

Today my mood hasn't been rotten and I've been just on the low side. I haven't been mean or exploded at anyone as well. I've just wanted to be quiet all day and not do anything. Part of that has to do with the fact that after a spring like day yesterday winter made a comeback today. The cold just sends me over the edge and makes me feel even more depressed than I am. I can't wait till summer when I can sit outside early in the morning and late at night and enjoy the fresh air. I wonder why I am the way I am and why I've turned out the way I have. I think about it all the time and can't come up with an answer. I want so much to be normal like everyone else but it's like something went wrong somewhere. At the rate I'm going I'll never be able to support myself and it's the worst feeling a middle aged man can have. I just keep thinking that there's something out there for me and that I I'll someday find it so that I can finally get a taste of the American dream.

Day 288 "I Don't Know What To Do"

Today my mood has been pretty average. I haven't been too low or too high. However, I've been mildly depressed not knowing what's going to happen with my future. I've been wondering far in to my future. I mostly wonder how I'm going to be able to get a job or make SSDI work at my age to be able to have enough money when it comes time to retire. I just don't see how it's possible without some sort of windfall that I don't see happening. In terms of a job I don't ever see myself being able to ever secure anything making more than minimum wage. I have this dream that I'm able to drop all the extra weight I'm carrying and that I'll look good enough that somebody will want to hire me. Well, enough with the dreams and more prayers might just be what this optimistic bipolar needs.

Day 285 "Depressed"

Today has been a lovely day. The temperature was a lot warmer and the sun was out. It was a preview of what's to come. Me on the other hand, I was depressed all day. I could have stayed in bed all day. I wanted the day to end as fast as it started. Until I can get outsideI have a feeling I'm going to feel this way. I just need for it to be Spring and for Winter to be over. I don't know how much more of the cold I can take. I keep telling myself that I'm somehow going to get out of this state and move to a warmer climate. Anyway, I'll settle for Spring now and worry about moving out of state later.

Day 283 "Got My Tooth Pulled Today"

This morning I was really scared and full of anxiety over getting my tooth pulled. I made sure I had a Klonopin in me an hour before I left for the Dentist but that didn't work for me at all. I was really nervous as soon as I hit the door and stayed that way until I came home. Well anyway once I was in the chair the doctor numbed me twice and then just came in and started pulling until he had it out. There was some pain involved and I asked him to stop on two occasions. But he just kept going until he had it out. So it was a rough morning to say the least. I came home and took a three hour nap and then had to go and get my nephew from school. I am happy to say that I haven't had any pain or discomfort up until now. As it's getting later I'm having a little pain but nothing like I thought it would be. So I'm going to take a pain pill and relax just incase any pain starts.

Day 282 "Random Things"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part. I've been a little depressed but I think that's a result of this weather. Winter hasn't let up once since it's beginning and everyone just wants warmer weather. I don't even think I'll complain this summer when it gets into nineties. That's something I usually do a lot when it gets hot like that. Tonight my Mom took me out for dinner and we haven't done that for a long time. She wanted to get out and I needed to get out. We had nice conversation and it was nice to just sit and talk about whatever. We then went to the grocery store and did a little shopping plus I had to pick up a prescription. I usually don't do well in the store but did alright and was able to refrain from getting angry. Well, I'm now sitting around starting to think about going to bed. I had to take my uncle for his chemotherapy treatment this morning and have been up for almost fourteen hours. Plus I'm having a tooth extracted tomorrow morning. I started to have the tooth pulled last week but there was a lot of infection. The Dentist couldn't get me numb enough and when he started pulling the tooth the pain was horrible. Needless to say he sent me home with an antibiotic and we're going to try this again.

Day 278 "Today The NIcest Thing Happened"

Today my mood started out pretty low. I didn't want to get out of bed and just wanted to be a lone. Well, I couldn't stay in bed all day and just decided to get up. I automatically went to look for my Mom to see what she was doing but she wasn't home. She was with one of my siblings. Anyway after being alone for about an hour my Mom and older brother came home. I actually had a nice visit with both of them and it was nice to see my brother. After my brother left my Mom tossed this envelope across the table at me and said that it was for me. When I asked her what it was she said that my brother had given her this envelope of money at breakfast and said it was a partial payment for a cash advance my Mom had gotten him many years ago and that there would be more to come down the road. She told me she didn't know how much was in the envelope but knowing I'm trying to go through bankruptcy I could have it no strings attached. She told me she's been worried about how we were going to come up with the money to pay for my bankruptcy. So I opened the envelope and there was $1100.00 which was only $31 short of what I needed to pay for the entire bankruptcy. My Mom is an angel for the way she looks out for me. She always makes sure I have what I need. There's a lot of Mom's that would have given up on their adult sons if they were like me. I've been crying all day because I can't believe something so good happened and that I have such an unselfish Mother. Thank you Mom and I love you!

Day 274 "The Kind of Anxiety I Had Today"

Today my mood started off great. I was going to the Dentist to get a tooth pulled and thought everything would be great. I've had an infected tooth since January and have been on antibiotics several times since. Anyway the Dentist was very gentle and numbed me up but I kept telling him that my tongue wasn't numb. So after hitting me three different times with novocaine he said I was ready. He took his pliers and started pulling and twisting. I obviously didn't have all the infection out because the pain was horrible. I yelled for him to stop four or five times before he quit. He then told me that there was still infection in the tooth and that I would have to go on antibiotic and come back in a week to resume. I have to get this done and will go back but I've never shook so bad and been in so much pain. The anxiety I'm feeling about going back next week is horrible. I'm having horrible visions of what could go wrong and it just sends me over the edge. I need to figure out why I have so much anxiety and deal with it. There's all kinds of school of thought on how to deal with anxiety and make it better. Well, I think in this case the anxiety happened because of a situation beyond my control. I think the best thing for me to do is to try and forget about today with some meditation and take the new antibiotic as directed. Then when I go to the Dentist I need to do a little meditation when i'm in the chair. I think this will help me to get past the anxiety and hopefully not flip out. Another option would be for me to make sure I take my Klonopin about an hour before I go in to the office. I'm just hoping this next time around will be a success. Wish me luck!

Day 271 "The Four Agreements"

Today my mood has been still in a down state but I've managed to not let it rub off on everyone else.  I've spent a lot of time in my room today and what people don't know won't hurt them.  They don't need to know that the only thing I want to do is sleep and that I feel hopeless and worthless.  Doesn't sound like I'm "The Optimistic Bipolar" today all.  Well I found something on the Internet called "The Four Agreements" that sums up how a person faced with bipolar disorder should lead their lives and I thought it made a lot of sense and would share it with everyone.  For me, maybe it can help get back that spirit of  "The Optimistic Bipolar".



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Day 270 "Been A Rough Few Days Since Last Post"

First off today I've had a lot of anxiety and my mood has been low.  I'm being sued by a creditor and pursuing bankruptcy.  The problem with that is that I have zero money and very few possessions.  The whole thong is just very embarrassing and makes me want to cry.  I have like a little over three weeks to get this straightened out or I will have a huge debt hanging over my head that I can't pay.  The part that makes me feel even worse is that my sister was here when I was dealing with this yesterday and offered to give me whatever I needed.  I really appreciate it but feel so bad taking anything from anyone.

Other than that I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  The first occurred when we had a pretty substantial snow the other morning and I had to drive in the aftermath.  There were many side streets that were untouched and hard to drive on especially in a small car.  In any event I got in to my aunt's allotment and her roads were some that had been untouched and the only way to their house either way is up a hill.  It sent me over the edge and I had to pull over the car for like ten minutes to calm down.  I was afraid I was going to wreck or that someone was going to hit me.  I was terrified.  The part that gets me is that I used to love to drive in any situation.

Another moment of anxiety I had this week was when my sister's children were at the house.  They are three and eight and both of them will jump around and rough house for hours on end.  When they jump around the whole house shakes and it doesn't matter whether I go to the basement or stay upstairs I get very panic stricken.  I get thoughts in my head that the floor is going to break and my stomach gets upset like I may throw up.  I'm not sure but I think I get motion sickness.  At Christmas their were 15 people in the house and just the vibration of the floor from that many people walking around in addition to the kids all jumping around had me nuts.  I try going outside and getting some air when this happens and talking myself through why I have nothing to fear but nothing helps and I end up with a sick feeling in my stomach and head.

Day 266 "Not So Bad Of A Day"

Today hasn't been the worst day I've had lately.  I've had many days where all I do is cry all day and stay in bed.  But today I wanted to be awake even though I did take a short nap.  My mood today while not perfect was in the middle.  I wasn't sad or happy which isn't a bad thing for me.  I've said before that maybe my normal isn't going to be happy all the time.  I just want to bet at a place where I can enjoy my surroundings. 

I don't know how it would work for me and I haven't investigated anything yet but I think that in time I need to get away from the northeast Ohio winters.  The snow and extreme temperatures have really bothered me especially this year.  I have felt like the cold is going to make me sick and that I'm going to die.  I don't know where I would go but I do know that the warmer temperatures would help me out both mentally and physically.

Day 264 "Happy Valentines Day"

Today is one of those made up holidays to get people to spend money.  While I don't believe in those kind of tactics I believe that people should tell those that mean something to them how they feel.  However, it doesn't need to be in the form of a card or flowers.  Writing it down on a napkin or just telling the other person is sufficient with me and costs nothing.  It shouldn't have to cost money to tell someone how you feel.

This week is my Mom's, Dad's (deceased), and little sister's birthday and I want to tell them how much I love each of them and wish them each a Happy Birthday.  I also want to wish the rest of my family a Happy Valentine's Day and let them know how much love I have for each of them.

Today my mood has been pretty even and I haven't had a lot of anxiety.  I didn't follow my diet today and really need to get back on it as my sugar numbers are much more in line when I do.

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Day 261 "Bad News And Good News"

Today the bad news of the day is that I continue to feel bad.  My mood is really low and I've been thinking a lot about death.  I'm not thinking about killing myself but that some medical condition is going to kill me.  I've been thinking like this a lot lately and the anxiety along with racing thoughts I get from it drive me up the wall.  I take 3mg of Klonopin per day for anxiety and it doesn't really seem to be doing anything anymore.  I took my last 1mg of Klonopin almost two hours ago and the anxiety is still there.  In addition to all that I have a tooth that is abscessed and since I don't have insurance I go to a clinic and there are so many people that see the dentist there that can't get me in to see him for three months.  My doctor I see there gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to see if it would take away the bad pain I'm having. 

Now for the good news which I don't get much of these days.  When I was at the clinic the other day the woman who runs the front window asked me if I had an income and insurance.  When I told her no she said that I may qualify for Medicaid which has been expanded under the Affordable Care Act.  I went home and read all the material that she gave me and it looks as if I qualify which would allow medical coverage if I'm approved.  I promptly applied for coverage and am now waiting to hear back on what I need to do next.  I'm excited about this and it could be mean some good news for me.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Day 259 "Feeling Better But Still Very Down"

Today I'm feeling better physically.  I still have a couple of days until I'm back on my feet one hundred percent but I'll take the improvement.  Mentally I'm not so good and have been feeling not so good.  I don't know if it's the weather or if it's just me.  I know that I see my new psychiatrist in ten days and I have a lot I want to say.  He's going to give me an assessment and I'm looking forward to seeing what he thinks.  I'm also looking forward to seeing how he wants to handle my care.  It should be interesting.

Day 257 "This has been a rough week"

The temperatures, snow, and sickness have all been out of control the last two months and sickness finally got the best of me.  The last three days I've ha chills, fever, coughing, and sore all over.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.  I think the last time I was that sick I may have been in third or fourth grade.   In addition to feeling horrible physically I also still feel horrible mentally.  I'm just having a rough time and can't wait till I start to feel better.

Day 253 "Am I Losing My Mind?"

Today my mood has been really low.  I started a diet a little over two weeks ago and I'll do good for a few days and then I have a day where I binge eat.  I've even purged a couple of times in the last few weeks.  I live with my Mom and she buys goodies for my niece and nephew that I can't stay away from.  Then my sister is always bringing fast food to the house and I love that as well.  Additionally my cousin wants to go out to eat about once a week and it's never anything low fat.  Everybody looks at me like I'm out in left field when I say that I'm on a diet and need to follow it one hundred percent.  I hear so many times a month from my Mom, sister, and cousin what I should be doing.  They don't have a whole lot of respect for the fact that I found a diabetic diet on my own and since doing my sugar numbers have come down significantly.

In addition to trying to diet, lose some weight, and get my sugar numbers under control I'm hoping that my new psychiatrist is able to get my medications under control.  The last few weeks in addition to having a lot of anxiety and feelings of panic I've been seeing things.  Last night I saw some sort of brown colored creature in my Mom's dining room.  I've live here for forty one years and we've never had a brown animal.  The creepy thing is that I didn't just see it out of the corner of my eye, it was there.  There have been a few other incidents where I have seen things out of the corner of my eye then there gone.  In addition to being depressed, angry, and having feelings of panic I have felt like I'm being watched by something.  It's probably my imagination but I can't shake the feeling.  I'm going to tell the psychiatrist this when I see him and hope he doesn't think I'm nuts.

Day 249 "Day Started Out Bad But Ended Nice"

When I woke up this morning I was still having racing thoughts and was angry about everything.   I was able to smile and talk upbeat to my therapist but I was just really angry about a lot of things.   Why does life have to be so difficult.   Why can't it be the same for everyone.   Well' I already know the answer to that.  It would just be so nice to feel normal for once.  In any event I talked through what I was angry about with my therapist and she gave me some handouts about coping when your angry.  I'm going to read through them and see if they can help me any.

Tonight I had a really nice conversation with an old friend whom I haven't seen in a long time.  We talked for almost an hour and a half and it felt like we talked for just about fifteen minutes.  The time went so quickly.  I can't even tell you all what we talked about but it was so nice and made me feel like I have a life.  All the anger I was having earlier in the day was gone.  Oh, I forget that my friend did invite me to go to an auction next Friday night with him and his sister.  Nobody outside my family has asked me to do anything for years.  Anyway, I just felt great after our phone call and am so excited about getting together next Friday.  I'm so happy to be able to talk about my friend that I'm having a cry moment.

Day 247 "My Head Has A Lot Going On In It"

Today my mood has been low.  I don't feel like doing much or talking to anyone.  I have been having thoughts about death and feel very lethargic.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that the weather here is very cold and I'm stuck inside the house.  Maybe it's because I want to work again and can't figure out how to get a job seeing that I've been unemployed for three years now and the last job I had was making pizzas.  Let's not forget that my car has been out of commission since last May and I have no transportation unless I ask my Mom for her car.  I could also be feeling down because my weight jumped 47 pounds in less than six months because of the medications I take for bipolar even though I'm presently dieting and losing a little bit.  Lastly I can't forget that I developed diabetes in the last seven months and my glucose numbers are never consistent which is a real mood killer some days. 

I see a new psychiatrist in a few weeks and I want to unload on him about how I'm feeling and how I think my medications are working.  I'm going to take in spreadsheets to show him how I keep records.  But I want him to know that I like Lithium and think it works well for my mania.  I'm going to tell him that the Klonopin (benzodiazepine) that I've been taking for close to eight months doesn't feel like it's working because I've been feeling panicky a lot the last two and a half months.  I thought the anxiety and panic I was having were because of the holidays but they've been done for a month.  So I either want a dosage change, another benzodiazepine for the anxiety that I can take if needed, or just taper me off the drug I'm currently taking and call it a day.  Lastly I want to let him know that my depression is worse and that I feel like an increase in my Latuda may be in order.

Right now my mind is racing and I all I want to do is hide from everything.  I can't get comfortable and feel like I could lose it at any moment.  I'm hoping my new psychiatrist will be able to get me on the correct path to stability with my medications.  It's early but I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.

Day 244 "Offering Help Then Taking It Back"

I want to say that I think it’s horrible when a person offers someone help whether it be in the form of money or just friendship and takes back the offer. I’m most bothered by those that neglect to tell you they can’t help and act as if nothing ever happened. Maybe the person in need is at the end of their rope. They may be unemployed, have an illness, need a car repair, or are on the verge of being homeless. I just don’t understand how these people can live with themselves. I guess just because someone is educated or book smart doesn’t mean they can’t be a fool. It's funny how one incident can bring out the good and bad in people. That’s my two cents for today!

Day 242 "Why Can't My Days Be More Consistent?"

Today my mood was up and down.  I was in a good mood because I had lost ten pounds but then my Mom still doesn't understand what it means for me to be bipolar and I have a hard time explaining it to her.  She keeps telling me that there's lots of people that work with the illness and that I should go out and try to get a job.  Since late 2006 I've worked at a Pizza Shop for less than two years and I couldn't even handle that job.  I feel like I'm perfectly capable of many things, am intelligent, and have a good sense of self awareness but I don't think that I can handle a job right now.  My work history is horrible for a forty-one year old man and I feel like the only kind of job I might be able to get would be a restaurant dishwasher if I'm lucky.  I wouldn't be ashamed of that but that's what I did in my last job and I feel that I would just end up getting angry with the job and quitting which is what I'm famous for.  In any event, my Mom thinks that I can just go out and get a really good job.  It makes me feel like she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me.

This brings me to what I originally wanted to write about.  I wish for one week that all my days could be  consistent.  I understand that not everyday is the same or should it but I find myself  hiding the way I feel and keeping a lot of my feelings bottled up inside.  I don't want people to know anything about me,  think I'm lying, or that I'm a hypochondriac.  I've been doing a lot for a lot of different people the last six months and  I don't know how much more I can take.  It all makes me moody, resentful, and overwhelmed.  I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to stop and run away from all of it.  I just hope that I can hold myself together and not lose it.

Day 239 "It's Nice To Have A Friend"

I got a new Windows based phone along with a new phone number in the last three months.  It's a pretty nice phone but it's a lot different to use than an Android phone or plain old cell phone.  Anyway, for the last two months I've been getting around fifteen to twenty calls a day from debt collectors.  At first I thought they were all for me because of two visits to the Emergency Room but today I decided to pick up a couple of the calls and come to find out they're for a totally different person than me.  The one debt collector tried to tell me I was past due on my car and that it was in danger of being repossessed.  I laughed and told him that my car has been paid off for eight years and currently doesn't run.  I told him repossessing it would save me the trouble of getting a junk yard out here to tow it away.  Anyway, I didn't get anymore calls the rest of the day.

I get so many of these calls that I've been ignoring my phone ringer a lot.  Well, after scrolling through all my missed calls I come to find out that I've missed two calls from someone who's been very supportive of me and I know I can call a true friend.  It makes me feel really bad that I missed talking to this person because it's been a long time since I've seen him or talked to him. He was gone for a number of years out of the state and we never really got to say goodbye.  I always wondered about him and hoped that someday we would reconnect which did happen after almost eight years.  All I know is that this friend is the kind that doesn't come around a whole lot  and I'm blessed that he wants to be a part of my life.

Today my mood has been pretty stable except for this evening.  We were babysitting my seven year old nephew and three year old niece.  They were jumping around and acting like animals for hours.  It was hard to hear yourself think.  Well, I was getting my dinner ready and just couldn't take it anymore.  They weren't listening to my Mom at all and I exploded on both of them.  I didn't raise my hand threaten anyone I just yelled at both of  them and made them go their separate ways.  They both cried and my nephew got very confrontational but I just ignored him.  He eventually calmed down and everything was all good.  I just don't know how much longer my Mom can handle doing this.  It's obvious she dislikes it and would love to get out of it.

Day 237 "A Hard Road Ahead"

Since I've last written I started my new diabetic diet.  It's been very hard for me to stick to it.  I did a lot of research and found the information I  need to know and I everyone keeps giving me diet tips and tells me I should be doing something different.  It's very frustrating for me because I feel like nobody has any confidence in me and this is the way its been my entire life it seems.  I just want to start out slow and easy and I feel such a sense of brain overload.  It makes me just want to not do it at all.  However, I'm sure I'm not the first person to go through something like this and succeed.  I just need to keep telling myself I can do this and allow myself to have slip ups.

The last few days my mood has been very low which I think has to do with me starting this new diet. I have felt so much pressure that I have binged eat on junk food twice already.  I have also just felt like all I want to do is sleep.  I have been sleeping an average of 15 hours a day.  I have just wanted to block everything out and be by myself.  I did have a hypomanic moment tonight when I road with my cousin to get a couple movies.  I started cussing at other drivers and saying the meanest things I could think of.  Again, when this happens everybody thinks it's funny but it just makes me more angry because I can't stop.  

Day 235 "Tomorrow I Start My Diet"

The last few days I've felt depressed trying to figure out how I'm going to eat on my new diabetic diet.  I was able to find a good one online that my local hospital uses and I'm all set to go.  I still feel a little bit like I might fail because of all the medications I take for my bipolar but I'm going to give this a try a see what happens. What do have to lose by trying to stay optimistic.  For the last six months I've been eating out of control and not watching my weight or calories.  I just want things to change and I feel that if I give a little effort maybe I'll get a little reward.  

I think the hardest thing for me is going to be exercising.  I have an old treadmill that I can walk on but the computer part of it doesn't work.  I also have a set of steps that I could use to exercise on and I can also just go outside and take a walk.  Going outside for a walk is what I most prefer but the weather here is crappy right now so I'm hoping Spring gets here fast with some warmer temperatures.  If anyone is reading this I hope that you can wish me some luck.

Here's a copy of the diabetic diet I'm going to follow.

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Day 233 "Tomorrow's The Day I Start Changing"

I slept last night a little bit.  It wasn't real good sleep and it was with the lights on but I did it.  I can't figure out for the life of me why I have this thing with sleeping with the lights on.  I'm going to research it and get back to you on it.  My mood today was low but I was able to cope.  I didn't have the need to run in the bedroom and go to sleep.  I just have a lot on my plate and know that I'm the only one that can change any of it.  The problem with that is that I don't know if I can handle it all.  I don't know if I have the drive to do what it takes to change.  One part of me is ready to go and the other part of me just stands there like a deer staring in to headlights. 

So tomorrow is the day I decided I was going to start changing my life.  By change I mean lose weight and get my sugar under control.  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal but I don't have anybody helping me with this.  I haven't seen a dietition because I can't afford one and I really don't have any exercise equipment.  I'm going to have to pound the pavement walking and I'm not real fond of having to do that in the middle of winter.  I could go to the park but I don't have a car of my own right now so that's out of the question.  In any event, tomorrow is the day I decided I was going to change some things in my life and I have to try the best I can because I have no other options and I just need to do this for myself.

Day 232 "In A Lot Of Pain The Last Five Days"

I haven't been on the computer the last five days because I've been in a lot of pain.  I had been to the Dentist back in October and new that I had a cavity.  I was told the earliest it could be taken care of was on New Year's Eve.  Well, I had to cancel that appointment because my Uncle had chemotherapy that same day and there was nobody to take him.  Well, I figured I would just reschedule and everything would be alright.

Five days ago out of the blue I started getting terrible pain where the cavity is.  I left it go for two days thinking it would go away.  No luck with that so I tried calling my Dentist and because I go to a clinic where a lot of poor people go, myself included, it's extremely hard to get an appointment let alone even talking talking to a live person.  Usually you are asked to leave your name, number, and birth date and they'll call you back.  Well I did that and of course nobody ever called me back so I decided to go to the local ER.  The doctor I had gave me an antibiotic for ten days, take some ibuprofen, and get an appointment with the Dentist.

Besides feeling sick and being in a lot of pain my mood has been very down.  I have been very edgy and can snap on a moments notice.  I've been very negative about myself and all I've wanted to do is be in bed.  Even right now I don't really know what the point is in me typing this because I'm going to get nothing out of it.  I just feel like everything I do is pointless.

Day 227 "The Joy Of A Pet"

All my life I've relied upon animals (dogs and cats) as friends.  I've never been married, though I was in love with a girl once.  She chose someone else and I had my heart broken.  Since then, I've relied on my friend's pets to keep me sane since I've never been able to have one of my own.  I still love Joy (my first love) but it appears that dream sailed along time ago.  I've met other women and even a few men I liked but never enough, never like her.  So, dogs and cats have kept me from going crazy.  I've been incredibly lonely most of my life, without my pet friends I don't know if I'd be alive now. 

My faith has been shaken by all the hell I've been through, the only hope I can really find is in my family of pets.  I love my family but none of them seem to get me or understand what I go through.  I don't know what I've ever done to be treated like I have been, but it's hard to trust or believe in anyone anymore.  I do my best to love people around me like the Bible speaks of.  I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can.  I just hold onto the hope that God knows my heart and will be merciful to me.  I see that hope in my pet friends, a sense of innocence that I believe is the essence of God.

Day 226 "Never Know Which Way I'm Going To Turn"

There are so many things I don't like about being bipolar.  The thing that bothers me most is that I never know which way I'm going to swing in a day.  I could have a completely normal day with no ups or downs but that seems not to happen much for me.  I'm on medication and I feel it's working but my nine times out of ten my days seem to yo yo.  I'm either hypomanic or I'm depressed.  Some days I go back and forth from being hypomanic to being depressed.

Right now I've been in a mostly depressed mood.  I want to sleep all the time and I don't want to socialize with anyone.  I've been doing a lot of stressing out about my future and where I may be down the road five years.  I just have this feeling that nothing is going to get better and it has me nuts.  However, I've also had a little bit of hypomania mixed in here and there with this.  When hypomania sets in I'm more energetic, talk more, and want to go go go.  I would have to say that all of this started around the start to the holidays.  As a result I'm going to let it ride out for a few more weeks and see how it turns out for me. 

My nurse practitioner left and right now I have no prescriber.  There's a nurse on staff that I'm supposed to get a hold of if I have some sort of problem and she will then get a hold of someone to see if they can do something for me.  I just don't want my medications changed by someone who really doesn't know me so I think it's better to be cautious.

Day 223 "Was Very Down Today"

Today was a very down day for me.  I was in bed most of the day today.  I slept for over sixteen hours and only got out of bed to use the bathroom.  I never saw the light of day today.  I wanted to get out of bed earlier but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was like something inside of me was holding me back.  My mood was in a down state all day.  All I thought about was the uphill battle I have to face this year with my bipolar, general health, and weight.  It was all overwhelming me and by staying under the covers I could avoid it all.  

Tonight, I went to my cousin's house to see if I could get out of my funk.  I found out shortly after arriving that an old mutual friend of ours had died over the summer from brain cancer.  She was only 43 years old. Age has nothing to do with when your times up and this reminds me that death can occur at anytime.  Neither my cousin or I had seen her in over ten years but hearing of her passing brought back a flood of memories. Rest in peace Lori!  

I'm going to put new sheets on my bed tonight and try and get a good night sleep.  I have been sleeping  on top of the same sheets for over five months now.  That probably makes most people sick but I just can't bring myself to change to them on a regular basis.  I try to make my bed everyday but changing the sheets is the last thing I think about doing when I have so much other stuff I need to do.  I just need a change and I feel that doing this will help me sleep a little better.  Goodnight to everyone and here's to a better tomorrow.

Day 222 "Another Mixed Day"

Today has been a mixed bag of moods for me.  I woke up after a bad night of sleep and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  However, I got out of bed and got dressed.  I wasn't angry but I had a short fuse today with everybody.  I never actually had a confrontation during the day with anyone but everybody stayed away from me which didn't bother me at all. 

Now this evening I got in a screaming match with my Mom because she asked me to unhook the outside hose from the valve it was attached to avoid freezing.  I don't know why I yell at her so bad sometimes but it's like something snaps inside my head when she talks to me.  The only problem with that is that she supports me and makes sure I have a roof over my head.  I don't know what went wrong because we really used to get along well and could talk about anything.  I have a theory that I get so angry with my Mom because when I was younger she used to let me get away with whatever I wanted, would to a point lie for me, and brush over the fact that something wasn't right with me.  I'm always thinking back about my past and wondering how my life would have turned out had someone tried to get me help when I was a child or teenager.  Maybe I would be in a different position now and able to take care of myself.  Right now I'm 41 years old and have nothing.  I worry about what will happen to me if something happens to my Mom.  My Mom gets by and is able to pay the bills here but she is tapped out and if something were to happen to her today everything would probably go back to the bank.

In addition to all the above I can't get myself in the mode of eating correctly.  I was diagnosed with diabetes last summer and put on pills that I take before my breakfast and dinner.  To make matters worse I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last six months.  To say the least my sugar hasn't been stable.  So I've been studying diets online and am refurbishing an old treadmill so that I can get myself back on track.  I'm hoping that in the next two weeks I will be eating better and using the treadmill to get some exercise.

Day 221 "The Truth"

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Day 220 "Happy New Year"

 

May you achieve what you aspire

and may all your dreams come true!