Day 70 "Took Steps Backwards Today"

Today I feel like I'm back at day 14 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.  Today my mood has been horrible, I've had a thoughts about death, I've binged and purged, and I just want to be alone.  I have felt like a total failure all day and today bipolar has won.  Today I felt defeated in everything I attempted and the more I felt defeated the more I became both manic and depressed.

Tonight I looked at Internet porn and even could have had a hookup had I wanted one.  I became more hypersexual as the depression set in.  I think the porn and anonymous sex gives me this quick rush of adrenalin  that tramps on the depression and makes it go away for a few minutes.  It's the same thing when I binge and purge.  For those ten or so minutes when I'm binging I feel in control because I know that I'm working up to that release which is a quick rush of adrenalin.

I have coping mechanisms that I have in place for when things happen like this but today nothing worked.  There were too many variables that played against me.  My car needs fixed, I broke my $800 Nikon camera, my Mom and sister's car accident, and me having to take blood pressure medications.  It's just been a really bad weekend and all I can do is promise myself that I'll try and make tomorrow better.