Day 98 "Mood OK But Lots Of Anxiety"

Today I was able to get up with no problems and have had no sedation or fogginess.  This is due to me not taking my Seroquel last night.  I'm not one about to go against my treatment but I had to be alert today and if I would have taken the Seroquel I wouldn't have been able to function.  I probably would have ended up sleeping twelve to sixteen hours and I would have been a waste to myself and everyone else I needed to be there for today.  My overall mood today was good and I felt stable.  I'm going to continue taking the Seroquel tomorrow but will be seeing both my regular doctor and psychiatric nurse practitioner within the next two weeks and I want to get off Seroquel and try something different.

Today I did have a lot of anxiety the entire day because my uncle has a nodule on his esophagus that was biopsied this past week.  In addition to the biopsy the doctor sent him for a CT scan of his chest and abdomen today.  Nobody knows anything right yet but I have two thoughts.  One, the doctor is trying to rule out cancer with this scan.  Two, the doctor already knows the tissue sample he took from the nodule is cancerous and wants to see if it has spread.  On my uncles paperwork from the doctor that he took to his scan today the doctor had wrote at the bottom something about esophagus metastasis in liver but used abbreviations.  I'm the one who took my uncle to have his throat scoped last week and the doctor said they would be talking after the CT scan.  I felt like he already new something when he made that statement.

After my uncles scan he wanted to go for a car ride.  He likes to drive out in the country and look for deer.  Well, tonight we left when it was almost dark.  I think he just wanted to do something normal to get his mind off of what may or may not be happening.  We stopped at a diner to get a sandwich as none of us had eaten yet.  It was myself, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  We all ordered sandwiches and it was for the first time that I saw my uncle unable to swallow.  Food gets stuck on this nodule and a lot of times he'll throw it back up.  He didn't throw anything up but I could see the fear in his eyes tonight.  My uncle is going to be 82 years old next month and has always been the example of good health.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the nodule is benign and they can just remove it.  However, if he's got cancer I will be there for him as much as he needs me.  Next to my Dad he's a man I have a lot of respect and love for.