2013 Year Review Before Bipolar1 Diagnosis

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2013

March 2013 – Present

• I have binged and purged 15 to twenty times the last three months. 
• I envision myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I have no interest in anything that I used to enjoy doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy, gardening).
• I get very jumpy when driving and have had to pull over before because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
• I have a lot of anxiety and it elevates over voices, sounds, noises, television.
• I have been very hypersexual and looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• All I can think about is sex sometimes. 
• Again, I have been very interested in hooking up with only guys and have posted ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice.  
• Something takes over in my mind and I just want what I want and if I don’t get it I will crash into a depressive angry state until I have my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I can think about is the pleasure I will experience and it makes me want that feeling even more. 
• When I’m hypersexual my sleep changes to me staying up all night sometimes for days at a time putting singles ads on craigslist and looking at porn.
• When I’m depressed all I want to do is sleep for 14 to 16 hours at a time.
• I always feel stressed and very anxious. 
• I much prefer the quiet because certain noises cause me anxiety
• I have no hope for my future.
• I think about death a lot and how mine might play out. 
• I have a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I am on edge all the time and will snap at a moment’s notice. 
• I got upset with my little three year old niece in April 2013 picked her up, shook her, yelled in her face, and tossed her on the couch. 
• I have been on a mission to lead a healthier lifestyle and have lost 35 pounds since February. 
• I have angry outbursts where I say horrible things about others and those around me see it as very funny. 
• The worst part about these angry outbursts is that I can’t stop once I start and the harder people laugh at me the angrier I get.  

 

2012 Year Review Age 40

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2012

March-April

• Job Started, Ice Cream Shop, Part Time Line Cook/Delivery Driver.

February 2012 – May 2012

• Overall mood was great.
• I was binging and purging a lot.
• Didn’t sleep for days on end and when I did it was usually only for three to four hours at most.
• Started using marijuana more regularly and consuming anywhere from two to three bowls up to two to three joints. 
• The pot put a stop to racing thoughts and helped me to refrain from being more manic than I was and it also helped me to not binge and purge as much.
• I was very hypersexual during this time and was looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• I also was very interested in hooking up with only guys and would post ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I would usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice. 
• These were the times I would actually be inclined to shower and shave which I would do before I place the ad so that I was ready to go as soon as I got a taker.  Something would takes over in my mind and I would just want what I want and if I didn’t get it I would crash into a depressive angry state until my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I could think about was the pleasure I would experience and it made me want that feeling even more.  I had a vision of myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I was easily agitated and angered by the littlest of things
• I had accelerated speech a lot and could talk for hours.
• I was spending about $65/week on marijuana which is what a half of the cheap stuff cost. 
• On two other occasions I spent $100 per quarter to buy better quality. 
• The better quality lasted a long time and really helped with my anxiety but not so well with my depression so I only used it when I was manic or hypersexual.
• It felt great to be working and this job had the least amount of responsibility of any I’ve ever had. 
• I was also only working there about twelve hours a week to start with no responsibility. 
• All I had to do was follow simple instructions of making food, bag orders, take orders over the phone, and deliver customer orders. 
• After about three weeks my hours picked up to around 30 a week and I started feeling very stressed and angry. 
• As a result I started making lots of mistakes and became so frustrated that I just texted my boss one morning and said I wasn’t coming in again. 
• I have angry outbursts where I say horrible things about others and those around me see it as very funny. 
• The worst part is that I can’t stop once I start and the harder people laugh at me the angrier and more upset I get. 

May

• Job Ended, Ice Cream Shop, Quit/No Notice.

June

• Stopped Smoking Marijuana as it’s not good for my health.

June 2012 – March 2013

• I felt lethargic.
• I had no interest in anything that I used to enjoy doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy, being outside).
• I cut ties with everyone I hung out with in the past and the only people I have contact with are family. 
•  I can’t be upset about cutting these ties though because most of these people were toxic. 
• I get very jumpy when driving and have had to pull over before because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
• Had lunch with a former co-manager I used to work with at Big Lots and we had lunch in August 2012. 
• This is the only social time I’ve had away from home in almost a year.  This was the nicest event that occurred for me in 2012.
• Most of the time I wanted to sleep and everyday consisted of about 14-16 hours in bed.
• My speech was labored and much more slower than when I’m experiencing mania.
• My general coordination was slower than normal.
• I always felt stressed and very anxious.
• I much preferred the quiet because certain noises caused me anxiety.
• I had no hope for my future.
• I thought about death a lot and how mine might play out. 
• I had a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I was on edge all the time and ready to snap at a moment’s notice. 

November

• Stopped Smoking Cigarettes like I did pot because of health reasons. 
• I had way more withdrawal with cigarettes though. 
• In any event after about three months I stopped coughing every two minutes and it feels great. 
• My lungs are recovering and for that I’m thankful!

2011 Year Review Age 39

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2011

February

• Job Ended, Pizza Shop, Walked Out Mid-Shift

June 

• Began therapy sessions at a Behavioral Health Clinic because I was having major depression associated with my Cyclothymia.

September

• Ended treatment at the Behavioral Health Clinic because I was prescribed Prozac and Trazadone together with no mood stabilizer after telling both my therapist and the nurse practitioner that I had been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a mild form of Bipolar. 
• During the time I took the Prozac which was seven days my depression shifted from depression to hypomania where I couldn’t sleep and became hypersexual. 
• I felt like they thought I was making excuses as to why I wasn’t working and that I was faking. 
• Every time I saw the therapist he was kind of confrontational with me and I always felt like he wasn’t really interested. 
• The very first day I went to the clinic, when I was having my intake interview, the young gentleman who was conducting the interview introduced himself to me, immediately told me that he didn’t have any time for small talk, and to keep all my answers short and to the point because he didn’t have time for it. 
• I almost wish I would have gotten up and walked out after that introduction. 
• That’s a real nice way to treat someone in a mental health setting who already feels like crap and especially by someone who is a counselor/therapist.
• All I wanted was help!!!!

2010 Year Review Age 38

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2010

January

• Job Promotion, Pizza Shop, Part Time Pizza/Chicken Cook to Part Time Shift Manager.

February

• Job Ended, Pizza Shop, Quit/No Notice/Bulimia related.

March

• Job Started Again, Pizza Shop,Part Time Salad Prep/Chicken Cook.

May

• Job Promotion, Pizza Shop, Part Time Salad Prep/Chicken Cook to Shift Manager.

November 2010 – December 2011

• Started calling off work weekly.  I even faked car troubles so that I could sleep.
• I smoked marijuana during this period but maybe only a dozen or two times when I had a lot of anxiety or I was going to binge and purge.
• My appetite was mostly low but I had a few instances where I wanted to eat everything that resulted in my purging.
• I felt sick all the time.
• I lost interest in everything that I enjoyed doing (bike riding, hiking, photography, genealogy).
• I wanted to sleep all the time and would sometimes sleep for 14 to 16 hours at a time.
• I always felt stressed and was very anxious.
• I had accelerated speech a lot and could talk for hours when I was manic and when my mood was low my speech was very labored.
• I had no hope for my future.
• I thought about death all the time and how mine might play out. 
• I never wanted to kill myself but thought that I was going to drop dead.
• I had a hard time bathing, brushing my teeth, and shaving on a regular basis.
• I messed up scheduling at work multiple times as well as the store’s weekly ordering and I eventually lost both responsibilities to someone else.
• I was on edge all the time and would snap at a moment’s notice both at home and at work.
• I was very hypersexual during this time. 
• I was looking at porn on my computer several times per day. 
• I also was very interested in hooking up with only guys after i quit my job and would post ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• I would usually end up posting an ad and then staying up all night checking my email over and over ready to leave the house at a moment’s notice which were also the times I would actually be inclined to shower and shave.  
• Something would takes over in my mind and I would just want what I want and if I didn’t get it I would crash into a depressive angry state until my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I could think about was the pleasure I may experience and it made me want that feeling even more. 
• I had a vision of myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose. 
• I was successful five times in having a hookup during the month of March and April.  During this time I had encounters with two females and three different men. 
• One of the men I met up with on three different occasions.

2009 Year Review Age 37

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2009

April

• Started New Job,Pizza Shop, Part Time Pizza/Chicken Cook.

July

• Ended Treatment for Cyclothymia, I thought I was in control and feeling very good so I just stopped going. 
• I finished the medications I had and never filled them again. 
• The last time I took prescriptions from this treatment was in late August or September.

 July 2009 – October 2010

• Overall mood felt really good.
• Started binging and purging again.
• Didn’t sleep for days on end and when I did it was usually only for three to four hours at most.
• Drank beer two to three times a week, it was more about being feeling good, being accepted , and being the life of the party. 
• I had a friend who lived close to the bar and I would walk to his house so that I wasn’t drinking and driving. 
• A lot of my beer was free because I was an employee/manager but if I had a tab it was usually because I bought something for someone else such as a customer, friend, or employee.
• Smoked marijuana most everyday consuming anywhere from three to four bowls up to maybe a joint or two. 
• This was something I didn’t do on work time and had higher consumption on off days. 
• I only have ever enjoyed smoking marijuana to the point where it made my anxiety stop, my feelings of depression go away, and the urge to binge and purge not be there. 
• I never drank beer with marijuana because it totally took away the good effects that the pot had on me.
• I did mushrooms once with a bunch of people at a bonfire at Lake Erie and hallucinated for like four or five hours. 
• This wasn’t something I enjoyed and have never had the urge or the want to do anything like that again.
• I was very hypersexual all the time and would try to pick up girls at the bar where I worked and on three occasions actually went home with one. 
• I would look at porn on my computer just about every day. 
• I also was very interested in meeting up with guys as well and would post ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• These were times I would actually be inclined to shower and shave which I would do before I placed the ad so that I was ready to go as soon as I got a taker. 
• Something would takes over in my mind and I would just want what I want and if I didn’t get it I would crash into a depressive angry state until my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I could think about was the pleasure I may experience and it made me want that feeling even more. 
• I had this vision of myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose.
• I was easily agitated and angered by the littlest of things. 
• I could snap at the drop of a hat and was very confrontational. 
• There were times when I would say the most horrible things about people and it would cause those around me to laugh and say how funny I was. 
• I couldn’t control these outbursts and the fact that people were laughing made me angrier.
• My speech was accelerated all the time and I felt like I never shut up
• I spent about $70/week on marijuana and rationed it as much as I could. 
• At this time in my life it was something that I did more on my own tan with others. 
• Being a guy and bulimic was very shameful for me and the fact that I could control it plus some of my anxiety and depression made it ok in my book to smoke marijuana.
• I was afraid if it got out that I had an eating disorder people wouldn’t like me.

2008 Year Review Age 36

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2008

July

• Stopped binging and purging regularly and started seeing a therapist for my bulimia

July

• July 5, 2008 I was stopped in Wooster, Ohio and arrested for OVI after not sleeping for close to a week/being hypersexual for over a week/felt like I couldn't stop for over a week/had a great "hi feeling" for over a week/Drinking non-stop for over six hours  and had a BAC of .22.
• Convicted of OVI and Drug Possession, Sentenced to one year probation/one year driver's license suspension and fines.
• Diagnosed with Cyclothymia, Prescribed Celexa/Depression, Tegretol/Mood, and Trazodone/Sleep. 
• I began seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and was being treated for bulimia as well as my Cyclothymia. 
• I continued this treatment from August 2008 until July 2009.

2007 Year Review Age 35

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

 

2007

October

• Hospital, Overnight Stay, Extreme Anxiety/Chest Pains/Racing Thoughts, They performed a Stress Test/Blood Tests

October-November

• Started going to the Hospital Clinic where I had my overnight stay and was diagnosed with GAD and prescribed the anti-depressant Lexapro. 
• I had scheduled visits and was monitored regularly by Nurses and MD's. 
• I did this into the spring of 2008 sometime.

2006 Year Review Age 34

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2006

January

• Job Promotion, Seasonal Trim-A-Home to Part Time Sales Associate, Columbus,Ohio

July

• Job Ended, Kaufmann's, Better Opportunities, Pittsburg, PA 
• Started New Job, Finlay Fine Jewelry, Branch Manager (Kaufmann's/Macy's), Pittsburg, PA 

August – December

• I began working long hours at my new job as the Fine jewelry Manager. 
• I usually worked two to three hours over my scheduled eight hours every shift.
• I began needing less and less sleep and was only getting maybe three hours at most. 
• There was several times where I didn’t sleep for three and four days.
• There were a few instances where I would stay up all night because I was having racing thoughts about everything going on at work, home, and anything else I could throw into the mix. 
• The racing thoughts just wouldn’t stop.
• I sometimes had accelerated speech and there was other times when my speech was labored.
• I was very hypersexual and looked at porn all the time and wanted to have sex really bad even though it didn’t happen. 
• I felt on top of the world and liked the high feeling I had when it was present.
• I was constantly angry towards the end of October because my boss wasn’t helping me more at work (like she said she would) so I started trying to get out of work and called off a bunch of times. 
• I wanted to scream at her and felt very superior to her…she was an idiot.
• In December I was tired of it all and decided that I was going to take a required work day off and still mark myself in the system as there. 
• The next day I was met at the door and terminated for time theft.

December

• Job Ended, Finlay Fine Jewelry (Kaufmann's/Macy's), Terminated/Time Theft, Pittsburg, PA 

December 2006 – October 2007

• Didn’t have any energy.
• I started using marijuana again but smoked very little during this time and only used if someone else offered it to me.
• I felt like my life was over.
• I had no hope for my future.
• My speech was labored a lot.
• I had a lot of anxiety and it was aggravated by noise, television, animals, other people.
• I lost interest in things I enjoyed like photography, biking, and driving.
• All I wanted to do was sleep and be alone.
• I cut all ties with friends and isolated myself.
• I didn’t have much of an appetite.
• I feared my own death and thought about it a lot. 
• Sometimes I would have racing thoughts about dying.
• I was scared to ride in the car because of getting in an accident and dying.