Day 114 "Had A Full Day"

I took my first Abilify after dinner last night and it never made me sleepy.  I was able to sleep the entire night and wake when I needed too.  It was a nice change to be able to get out of bed without any trouble.  When I was taking Seroquel I would have to either roll out of bed or have something to help pull me up.  The only side effect I had with the Abilify was that my heart felt like it was racing a little.  However, it's only been one dose so I need to give it more time before I decide whether it works or not.

This morning I attended a group session that just started on Mindfulness.  The session lasted almost two hours and there's about nine members.  I have a hard time being around people and I'm hoping that I can build some good social skills as well as learn how to be more Mindful.  I don't remember a whole lot but we did do an exercise, kind of like a meditation, where we closed our eyes and the leader instructed us what to focus on.  It was OK if our minds wandered but we were supposed to try and get back to what we were told to focus on.  They also gave us some reading material that I think will help me to do well in the group.  In any event it was a good first session and I look forward to next Tuesday.

This afternoon we took my uncle to the oncologist to find out what his treatment plan is going to be.  The doctor talked for over 30 min and the only thing I got from all of it was that he's going to have a Pet Scan to show exactly where the cancer is.  He said until he has the results of the Pet Scan he won't be able to really tell what stage the cancer is or give any kind of prognosis.  He did say that Chemotherapy and Radiation is probably what is going to happen.  He said my uncle could have surgery down the road to remove the part of the esophagus and stomach where he presently sees the cancer but that a surgery like that requires a long hospital stay as well as a very long recovery period.  He also said studies show that having surgery doesn't have many benefits over the Chemotherapy and Radiation alone.  I just know that there was a lot of information to take in and there's going to be more coming so as of right now I'm just praying that my uncle can have a comfortable end to his life that I hope is years down the road.

Day 60 "Mindfulness"

Today is day 60 of being treated with medication for bipolar 1 and it was an especially difficult day for me.  I had a real hard time sleeping last night only getting about six hours.  I had an appointment with the psychiatrist’s nurse today to get Seroquel and she wouldn’t give it to me because of the doctor that treated my Bell’s Palsy at the ER didn’t mention on the discharge paper if I could take it or not.  It’s really been helping me sleep and done a good job of helping the deep depression I was in when only on Lithium.  In any event, all I’ve done today was sleep and haven’t wanted to get out of bed.  So, I thought I would take this moment to reflect on mindfulness which is living for today.  To be that optimistic bipolar this is something that I need to make sure I’m working at every day. 

Learning to live in the moment has not been an easy task for me.  I’ve let my thoughts be guided by my past and constant worrying about what the future holds.  In my mind, thoughts of my past and constant worrying about the future unconsciously controlled me.  There has been numerous times where I have missed out on what’s right in front of me because I’ve been so distracted by my past and future.  Living in the moment has been something I’ve been working on for a number of months now and is not something you just do.  Living in the moment takes practice by keeping an open mind, focusing on what is in front of you now, and letting your thoughts come and go without hanging on to them.  I’ve been overweight since childhood struggling with bulimia for over a decade, and just diagnosed as bipolar1 severe mania and mixed episodes.  Living in the moment is helping me to lose weight in a healthy way, get my bipolar stabilized all by taking one day at a time and not beating myself up if I make a mistake or obsessing about a future goal. This is what I’ve been doing to live more in the moment.

Every day when I get up I make a cup of coffee and before I do anything else I take ten or fifteen minutes to think about what is in front of me.  Usually I’m outside when this occurs and think about what it looks like outside.  I try to appreciate whatever weather condition is happening at the moment and not think about anything else.  This morning the weather was sunny and about 55 degrees as I watched two red tail hawks unsuccessfully chase a squirrel through my backyard. The point is that during this time I’ve let everything else go and just enjoying the moment for whatever it may bring.

I’ve been doing this regularly since the start of the year and have started to notice that I approach each new day with a new attitude.  I’ve found that I am more positive, less confrontational, and easier to communicate with.  In terms of my weight loss, I don’t view it as a diet anymore but as a life change.  I do still have days where I slip and have a hard time with this life change but part of living in the moment means letting life happen, accepting that life can be good or bad, and just moving on.  I still have a lot riding on my shoulders but the load feels so much lighter.  Before I started living in the moment my moods and emotions would all kind of run together and I never seemed to have a break from that.  Now, I have this time where I let everything go and appreciate only what is front of me.  As I’m getting better at living in the moment I’m finding it to be very exciting and a definite necessity for controlling my bipolar as well as my life.

This picture is the way I live in the moment.  It's really nice to just stare up and enjoy what is in front of you.
Click picture to enlarge.