"What I Try To Block Out"

Since I last posted my mood has not changed.  I'm still having a lot of depression mixed with states of hypomania.  Hypomania for me is anger, racing thoughts, lack of patience with everyone, anxiety, and hypersexuality.  There's more to hypomania that I experience but it makes me exhausted to think about it.  Today I experienced a lot of racing thoughts about my weight, my diet, how I'm going to make money, and where I'm going to live someday which are thoughts I try to block out because of the crippling effects they have on my brain.

Right now I'm 330 pounds and have a BMI of over 50 which makes me morbidly obese.  I have had a CT scan of my coronary arteries to look for blockages which came back normal.  I had this done because after having an EKG it showed that mine was abnormal.  My diabetes has progressed to the point where I now take insulin injections everyday.  My doctor is on me hard to work out and lose weight.  He suggested that I have bariatric surgery in which they remove a large part of the stomach.  He said that I could lose a lot of weight and that my diabetes would go away.  In the mean time I'm going to think about it and see a dietitian to set me up with a diet plan.

I've started diets before and have had moderate success.  The most weight I've ever lost was 85 pounds.  I'm good when I start out but usually get lazy after three or four months and end up quitting.  I also have a hard time exercising mostly because I have to do it alone and I'm very self conscious about people looking at me.  So right now I'm in the process of going to see the hospital dietitian in hopes he can set me up with a diet plan.  The only problem with that is that I don't have the money to eat well.  I'm unemployed and live with my Mom.  She pays for all the food in this house and since my Dad has passed away she doesn't like to cook a lot.  She buys a lot of processed foods and things that the grandchildren will eat.  She does buy some vegetables and fruits but it's never enough.  She spent all her grocery money the other day and we're already almost out of fruit and veggies.  On a diet, what do I do when I run out of things to eat and can't go to the store for another week. 

Many would say that I need to find a job and I totally agree.  I dream of the day when I can earn an honest paycheck again.  It's been close to four years since I worked.  I worry that my bipolar disorder isn't under control yet and I would end up getting fired or walking out because of something stupid I probably do which is usually how all  my jobs end.  Additionally I feel that I get discriminated against because of my being over 40, the gaps in my employment, lack of references, and not being rehirable by my past employers.  I also worry about how I would get back and forth to a job because I don't have my own car.  I drive my Mom's car when I need to but she doesn't like it and prefers that her vehicle stay in the garage. 

In addition to all the other thoughts I've had running through my head I also keep thinking about what's going to happen to me if something would happen to my Mom.  She owes almost as much as the house is worth and if she were to die the house would most definitely go back to the bank.  I do have two brothers and a sister but I would never want to live with any of them.  The biggest reason I wouldn't want to live with any of them is that none of them accept me as having bipolar.  They all think I use it as an excuse to get out of working.  We don't ever talk about it and if I were to bring it up the room would get quiet.  It's like get a grip, grow up, and recognize the fact that this disease is real.

Today when I was having racing thoughts about all of this I just wanted for it to go away because it makes it hard to do anything else.  I would be alright if I could concentrate on one subject at a time but it when I get four or five I just want to scream.  Besides wanting to go to sleep I get very irritable and am angered easily.  I tried watching some television and tried to go for a walk but it had just snowed and things were too messy outside.  I also tried drawing and listening to some music but it didn't help me either.  There's just times when you have to ride it out and go with the flow however uncomfortable that may be even though I'm going to always try and block it out.

Day 64 "I Knew This Day Would Finally Show Up"

There's a time in your life when nothing matters. You can do what you want, act like you want, and say what you want. I was like this for along time because of my bipolar. I just didn't really worry about my health and just did what I did. Well, today that ended for me and I had a wake up call. I saw the doctor and he put me on blood pressure medicine, thyroid medicine, and he's thinking about medicine for diabetes because my numbers were a little elevated there as well. They also took blood from me today which took five different tries and did an EKG which was ok.  

I'm not surprised that any of this happened today because I knew I wasn't in the best of health. The thing that bothered me is that I kept thinking back thirty years ago when my Dad went through the same things I did. I can remember him being scared for many months and feeling depressed. After my Dad got all the tests and was put on the medication he really didn't change anything in his life. He didn't exercise and didn't change his eating habits.

Well, this is where I'm going to be different. I have this need to live and be healthy and somehow I'm going to figure it all out. There is this free website called SparkPeople.com which is the largest online diet and healthy living community with over 12 million registered members. Unlike Weight Watchers where you are budgeted so many points a day that you can spend freely. SparkPeople teaches you how to eat by presenting you with the nutrients you need to survive. I did Weight Watcher's for a while and I was eating a ton of processed food. When I switched to SparkPeople.com I started looking at the different nutrients I was inhaling and started to change. I haven't been on the site much since I started my treatment for bipolar I'm going to change that and get back with it especially since it's free and has much the same information as Weight Watchers.

Today my bipolar started out in the normal range because I was excited about going to the doctor but as the visit approached I became a little more depressed and just didn't want to go. I wanted to hide from the truth but that's what I always seem to do so I just decided to go with it and it happened. I have to take a few more pills now but maybe I can lose some more weight and not have to take those pills. The way I see it, the choice is mine!