Day 81 "Depressed, Not Knowing What My Future Holds"

I did finally get a good night's sleep but once I got up and took my pills I just went back to bed and slept until late afternoon.  Everyday has been different since I started treatment for my bipolar.  One day I feel good and the next day I feel bad.  I've heard some people say that it takes years to stabilize and they go through many different medications to get there.  Today has been a low kind of day for me.  I haven't had any thoughts of hurting myself  but I have been really down all day. 

I'm 41 years old and have no running car, no medical insurance, no job, and an illness that a lot of people won't accept.  I haven't worked a full time job in almost three years.  The reason I'm not still at that job is because of my bipolar.  I was having mixed episodes when I walked out of that joke and had been manic for  about a year prior to the start of having mixed episodes.  I'm happy that I'm getting treatment now and but how am I ever going to support myself.  

If I'm approved for SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) I will get roughly $1066 a month.  I applied in June and was denied at the end of July.  If I fight the denial it could take a year or more and if I get a lawyer they'll get 25% of whatever back pay I would collect.  I'll never be able to own a home, buy a nice car, or be able to take a nice vacation.  I know what needs and wants are and understand that you don't always get what you want.  I just had all these dreams as a young boy that lasted up until it was suggested I may want to apply for Social Security.  When my therapist suggested disability all those dreams stopped.

Now, I could start applying for jobs and try to find something full time.  However, I've hired a lot of people in my day and already know what will happen.  The first thing a future employer is going to ask is why I have so many employment gaps.  Secondly there going to want to know why the jobs I had ended.  I've had three really good jobs and was terminated from two and walked out from the other.  Lastly, I now know that most of my jobs ended because of bipolar disorder and a lot of employers won't take the risk of hiring someone with a mental disorder.

I have known since I was a little boy that I was different.  I always felt like I was behind everyone no matter how much I tried.  Making friends always happened easy but keeping them was difficult for me.  It's because of all this that I sometimes feel like I'm damaged goods!