Day 73 "Communicating in a depressive state....NOT ALWAYS GOOD"

Today, I have felt depressed all day and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Being in a depressive state is horrible.  I sometimes have thoughts about death.  I have very low self esteem.  I have no hope for my future.  I 'm always really tired and can sleep for 15 to 20 hours at a time.  I also don't enjoy doing the activities I once enjoyed.  When I'm in a depressive state anger and irritability sometimes guide my thoughts.  However, the most challenging part of being in a depressive state is trying to communicate with my family, getting them to understand my needs, and the barriers I face.

I try not to communicate with my family when I'm in a depressive state because my family doesn't believe that I'm bipolar.  It's easier if I just keep it to myself.  My mother was told when I was five by a psychologist, I saw regularly, that something was wrong and she told him he was wrong and wouldn't hear it.  She acts like that today when I talk about being bipolar and doesn't want to hear it.  Sometimes she acts like I'm not in the room and walks away.  So since I live with her and am around her a lot I have to try and not talk about it especially when in a depressive state because I get really angry and end up saying lots of hurtful things which I end up feeling guilty about later.

In terms of trying to get my family to understand my needs when I'm depressed is pretty much pointless.  I can't get them to understand my needs when I'm doing good so why would I waste what little energy I have in a depressive state on trying to get them to understand my needs.  I have tried to explain on many occasions what I need to do to remain in control of my life and it always meets deaf ears.  Since I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 I have put myself on a daily schedule which helps to keep me even and my Mom and sister are always changing things up on me even though I've explained to them how it throws me off.  You would think that they would start to believe me and show a little understanding.  I guess they like all the angry hurtful things I say and do.

The barriers I face are being unemployed, having no medical insurance, and a family that refuses to see what I'm going through.  As long as I don't bring it up we can get along but as soon as the word bipolar comes out of my mouth everything goes down hill.  It hurts but I don't really care anymore what my family thinks.  The only thing that matters to me right now is getting stabilized on my medications and learning to control this illness and not let it control me.  Maybe then my family will see that everything I'm doing is for my own good.