Today my mood has been low. I don't feel like doing much or talking to anyone. I have been having thoughts about death and feel very lethargic. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the weather here is very cold and I'm stuck inside the house. Maybe it's because I want to work again and can't figure out how to get a job seeing that I've been unemployed for three years now and the last job I had was making pizzas. Let's not forget that my car has been out of commission since last May and I have no transportation unless I ask my Mom for her car. I could also be feeling down because my weight jumped 47 pounds in less than six months because of the medications I take for bipolar even though I'm presently dieting and losing a little bit. Lastly I can't forget that I developed diabetes in the last seven months and my glucose numbers are never consistent which is a real mood killer some days.
I see a new psychiatrist in a few weeks and I want to unload on him about how I'm feeling and how I think my medications are working. I'm going to take in spreadsheets to show him how I keep records. But I want him to know that I like Lithium and think it works well for my mania. I'm going to tell him that the Klonopin (benzodiazepine) that I've been taking for close to eight months doesn't feel like it's working because I've been feeling panicky a lot the last two and a half months. I thought the anxiety and panic I was having were because of the holidays but they've been done for a month. So I either want a dosage change, another benzodiazepine for the anxiety that I can take if needed, or just taper me off the drug I'm currently taking and call it a day. Lastly I want to let him know that my depression is worse and that I feel like an increase in my Latuda may be in order.
Right now my mind is racing and I all I want to do is hide from everything. I can't get comfortable and feel like I could lose it at any moment. I'm hoping my new psychiatrist will be able to get me on the correct path to stability with my medications. It's early but I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.
I’m a 46 year old man who’s been dealing with Bipolar my entire life. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was diagnosed and this blog is my story. As you’ll see there’s been many lapses in my posting but I’m going to try and get back with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble during my lapses but I continue to remain optimistic about my bipolar hence the title Optimistic Bipolar.
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