"Feeling Sorry For Myself"

I've been wanting to say something all day today but couldn't come up with anything.  So I gave up this afternoon and just went about my day.  As you can probably guess my day was lousy today and the day before that.  I was told yesterday that I have a mild blockage leading to my heart and.  My Mom told me that we all have aches and pains.  I keep gaining weight and everyone just keeps on feeding me.  I haven't had a job in over three years and I see my siblings all getting to travel and falling in to good fortune when it comes to money.  It seems like everyone around me has someone to root for him or her while I have just myself.  However, I seem to push everyone farther and farther away from me even though deep down that' not what I want.  All of this just wanders through my mind continually and it makes me feel really sorry for myself.

Feeling sorry for myself takes many shapes.  I tend to be hard on myself only focusing on the negative things in my life.  I get angry very easily and am confrontational.  My Mom is the person who sees this side of me the most because she seems to have very little empathy for what I'm going through.  I don't want anything special from her just a little more understanding.  As a result, I tend to just withdraw from everyone and hide in my own little world which hasn't changed since I was a teenager  I'm in the same room with the same paint, furniture,  and carpet.  All I can say is I NEED A POSITIVE CHANGE one of these days.

I'm at a point in my life where nobody is going to do me favors which I've said before.  Somehow, I have to reinvent myself and climb out of this deep dark hole I have myself in.  I have to first try and lose weight and start exercising.  I'm going to customize one of the trackers I have in the blog so that I have something I can measure my progress with.  I'm not sure what kind of exercise I'm going to do yet.  I've put on so much weight that it's hard to do a whole lot but I think walking is in order starting out slowly.  I've done some general reading about exercise and they say that it can do a lot of good for your mind as well as your body.  With that said I'm not going to put anything else on my plate and really work on my weight with diet and exercise which I hope will in turn help me to feel happy for myself.