Today has been a mixed bag of moods for me. I woke up after a bad night of sleep and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. However, I got out of bed and got dressed. I wasn't angry but I had a short fuse today with everybody. I never actually had a confrontation during the day with anyone but everybody stayed away from me which didn't bother me at all.
Now this evening I got in a screaming match with my Mom because she asked me to unhook the outside hose from the valve it was attached to avoid freezing. I don't know why I yell at her so bad sometimes but it's like something snaps inside my head when she talks to me. The only problem with that is that she supports me and makes sure I have a roof over my head. I don't know what went wrong because we really used to get along well and could talk about anything. I have a theory that I get so angry with my Mom because when I was younger she used to let me get away with whatever I wanted, would to a point lie for me, and brush over the fact that something wasn't right with me. I'm always thinking back about my past and wondering how my life would have turned out had someone tried to get me help when I was a child or teenager. Maybe I would be in a different position now and able to take care of myself. Right now I'm 41 years old and have nothing. I worry about what will happen to me if something happens to my Mom. My Mom gets by and is able to pay the bills here but she is tapped out and if something were to happen to her today everything would probably go back to the bank.
In addition to all the above I can't get myself in the mode of eating correctly. I was diagnosed with diabetes last summer and put on pills that I take before my breakfast and dinner. To make matters worse I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last six months. To say the least my sugar hasn't been stable. So I've been studying diets online and am refurbishing an old treadmill so that I can get myself back on track. I'm hoping that in the next two weeks I will be eating better and using the treadmill to get some exercise.
I’m a 46 year old man who’s been dealing with Bipolar my entire life. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was diagnosed and this blog is my story. As you’ll see there’s been many lapses in my posting but I’m going to try and get back with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble during my lapses but I continue to remain optimistic about my bipolar hence the title Optimistic Bipolar.
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