About Me

The Optimistic Bipolar

Hello, my name is James and this is my blog.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Bulimia in April 2013. I’ve been OCD for thirty years and Bulimic for sixteen years.  My blog is going to be about everything leading up to my diagnosis’, my journey to stabilize my mental illnesses, and taking back control of my life.

I was born the second of four children and raised in Ohio.  From a very early age I knew that I was different than everyone else.  As a young child I was very outgoing and always doing something I wasn’t supposed to that always got me in trouble.  As I got older I became less outgoing and more depressed which may have been a result of being constantly teased because I’ve always been heavier.  Anyway, I didn’t do well in school and to this day I can’t believe I actually graduated high school.  However, I did enroll in college after taking a little time off and had a pretty good experience.  College was one of the best experiences of my life.

Over the last fifteen years I’ve seen a couple of psychiatrists, always diagnosed with depression, and was always given anti-depressants.  For someone with Bipolar disorder anti-depressants have to be prescribed with a mood stabilizer and need to be closely monitored because they can cause a manic episode.  Bipolar disorder is hard to diagnose because many of it’s symptoms are shared with other disorders and most people only ever seek out help when their depressed. 

Me, I would always see the doctor, get my anti-depressants, and end up feeling really good.  Then I would become manic, stop the medication, start doing stupid things, and then crash into depression.  I only ever saw doctors when I was depressed and because of the shame I felt I never brought up my Bulimia or manic behavior even though I would do stupid things. The mania always felt good and made me feel like I was on top of the world.  Nothing was ever a problem and money was never an issue.  When I was manic I always managed to not pay my bills. 

Finally in 2008 after eleven years of daily binging and purging I decided to get some help and contacted a local facility that would see me on a sliding feel schedule because I was out of work and had no money.  After a lengthy interview with a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Cyclothymic disorder and Bulimia.  Cyclothymic disorder is a milder form of Bipolar disorder, in which a person has numerous episodes of hypomania and mild depression during at least a two-year period. 

I regularly saw a therapist and psychiatrist for two years and was compliant with my treatment plan.  The psychiatrist had me on an anti-depressant along with an antipsychotic drug that made me feel good and I eventually went manic and was convinced I could control my Bipolar on my own and stopped my treatment.  I also wasn't completely honest with my therapist and psychiatrist about all my manic behavior because had I been more honest about everything I would have been diagnosed Bipolar 1 from the beginning and there wouldn’t have been an anti-depressant prescribed. 

Over the last three years I’ve walked out on two jobs, had a period of mania that lasted over a year, a couple of depressive episodes, and most recently a mixed episode.  A mixed episode is harder to treat because of having to treat both the symptoms of mania and depression at the same time.  My therapist said that I've probably always had Bipolar disorder and that when I stopped treatment for Cyclothymic disorder everything escalated  and got worse.     

It’s now its 2013 and I’m a 41 year old male who hasn’t had a steady full time job in close to ten years.  The longest I’ve held a job was for 8 years that ended ten years ago when I was fired for making some really dumb decisions during a period of mania.  I then had six other jobs in the last ten years that all ended in me being fired or quitting.  Other than the way I exited each job the circumstances were always the same.  I would go through many months of mania, do something stupid, get fired or quit, then crash into depression. 

I’ve lived my life foolishly because of this nasty disorder we call Bipolar and it has caused me to lose a major portion of my life.  I’ve realized that I’m an imperfect human and accepted that different choices could have been made but what is done is done.  I’ve stopped hating myself, taken responsibility, and asked God’s forgiveness.  I believe the mistakes I made in my past are all life lessons.  I’ve decided to open up my heart, keep an open mind, and allow my life lesson’s help me grow as a person.  This whole experience is finally starting to set me free of my past.  For me, being diagnosed Bipolar 1 has been extremely difficult but the only way that I’m going to manage it is by accepting it, facing it, and learning to cope with it.





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