Day 71 "Seroquel Adjustment Today"

So, as of tonight, I'm up to 600mg Seroquel xr.  I went to see my nurse practitioner/pdoc and she upped my dose because I was having mixed states the last few days.  I was binging and purging which I do when I’m manic and I was really depressed and not caring about anything all at the same time.  She left my Lithium at 900mg a day and Klonopin at 3mg per day as well.  I really like how the Klonopin takes away some of the anxiety I have but I did tell my nurse practitioner I wish I could have had something a little stronger this past weekend after getting news that My Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car crash in an intersection where many have been killed before.

Even though I wasn’t in the car accident I can’t shake the racing thoughts I’ve been having about the accident and what my Mom looked like when I first saw her in the hospital after the accident.  All I can think about is that I could have lost her.  It’s hard enough looking at your parents some days and watching the aging process but when you see your only parent laying on a back board, in a neck brace, with bruises all over them and not knowing what all is wrong, it can be very traumatic.

Anyway, I feel very conflicted about taking all these medications.  When I look down at the pills I think “god this is strong, mind-altering stuff” and I just want to stop taking all of it.  At other times I think “wow this stuff is miraculous and is helping to stabilize my bipolar so much”.  I guess I should be grateful that I live in a time where there is choices in treating bipolar.  Fifty years ago I probably would have ended up in a mental ward somewhere.  I actually had a cousin who in the 1940’s was placed in the county home due to mental illness.  Maybe he was bipolar.  

Today my mood has been very down.  I’ve thought a lot about death and dying.  All I’ve wanted to do is sleep all day and have had no hope for my future at all.  I also binged and purged this evening for the second time in less than a week.  I realize that most of this behavior has to do with everything that’s happened with my family so I’m not going to just say that my treatment isn’t working.  What I am going to conclude is that I’ve had a bad weekend, life happens, and hope the new amount of Seroquel helps.