Day 242 "Why Can't My Days Be More Consistent?"

Today my mood was up and down.  I was in a good mood because I had lost ten pounds but then my Mom still doesn't understand what it means for me to be bipolar and I have a hard time explaining it to her.  She keeps telling me that there's lots of people that work with the illness and that I should go out and try to get a job.  Since late 2006 I've worked at a Pizza Shop for less than two years and I couldn't even handle that job.  I feel like I'm perfectly capable of many things, am intelligent, and have a good sense of self awareness but I don't think that I can handle a job right now.  My work history is horrible for a forty-one year old man and I feel like the only kind of job I might be able to get would be a restaurant dishwasher if I'm lucky.  I wouldn't be ashamed of that but that's what I did in my last job and I feel that I would just end up getting angry with the job and quitting which is what I'm famous for.  In any event, my Mom thinks that I can just go out and get a really good job.  It makes me feel like she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me.

This brings me to what I originally wanted to write about.  I wish for one week that all my days could be  consistent.  I understand that not everyday is the same or should it but I find myself  hiding the way I feel and keeping a lot of my feelings bottled up inside.  I don't want people to know anything about me,  think I'm lying, or that I'm a hypochondriac.  I've been doing a lot for a lot of different people the last six months and  I don't know how much more I can take.  It all makes me moody, resentful, and overwhelmed.  I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to stop and run away from all of it.  I just hope that I can hold myself together and not lose it.