Day 79 "Maybe I'm Not Doing As Good As I Thought"

Yesterday I was feeling better and not so depressed.  I felt like I was becoming more stable.  I was handling things that needed to be done and feeling better about myself.  I actually was in public around people and didn't feel as if I was going to have an anxiety attack.

Well, today is totally different in terms of my mood, anxiety, and general outlook on everything.  My mood is really low, my anxiety is off the chart, and I have no hope for my future or my Mom's.  She is very depressed and feeling really sorry for herself.  I've been making her food, making sure she takes her pills which is a chore all in itself, and helping her to get in bed at night.  I've been trying to help her as much as I can.  However, my daily dose of Seroquel was raised last week from 300mg XR to 600mg XR.  It has done me a lot of good but I'm still getting used to it and all I want to do is sleep and my vision is a little blurry with it.  I figure that in a few weeks the side effects I'm having will go away.  I just feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends.  I'm taking all my medications as directed but I can't get to bed at night and only end up with like four or five hours of sleep.  I feel like I'm going to have hypomanic episode if something doesn't change.

I feel like I've been abandoned by my two brothers where my Mom's concerned.  The car crash was a week ago this past Saturday.  My little brother has called her maybe three times and my older brother hasn't called at all.  However, his wife did bring over some soup about a week ago.  My Mom has had a few visits from the neighbors and her brother.  The only person that has been coming over whenever she can is my cousin but she has a busy schedule just like everyone else.

I guess I'm just angry because everybody takes me for granted.  Everyone in my family thinks I should be out looking for a job and really can't grasp the fact that I'm bipolar.  So, since I'm not working it's OK for me to handle everything.  I love me Mom even though we get on each other's nerves a lot but I could use a break.  I have been working so hard to change things for myself  and that has been like a full time job.  My cousin has a cabin booked near Hocking Hills in late October and invited me to go along as her guest.  We have actually been to this cabin before and it's wonderful and very private.  Well, she informed me that she's not going to cancel the reservation if my Mom's not well enough to take care of herself and is going alone.  The reservation was made in February and I've been looking forward to this little get away so much.  Anyway, I'm not trying to complain I just feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

Day 49 "Third Bed Wetting Accident Since Starting Medications"

Today started out not all that bad however, I did wet the bed again which makes three times in the last month.  I only slept 9 hours last night which is a decrease from what I had been doing.  When I actually got up I was just a little groggy and maybe a little down which I can cope with. 

In the afternoon, my cousin wanted to go for a walk and I was cool with that.  I felt empowered to actually get out of the house and so something.  On the other hand I was angry and very irritable this afternoon.  I saw the stuff on television about that Zimmerman guy that shot the black kid and it just pissed me off.  It wasn’t about if he was guilty or innocent it was just the way the media puts their spin on everything. 

I ended up having an outburst saying a bunch of nasty things about some people.  I felt manic but     at the same time I felt depressed and very slow.  My speech was a little slurred.  I felt like I couldn’t even concentrate.  I also felt like I had some short term memory loss today as well as before.  I go to say or do something and I completely forget for  few minutes what it was I was looking for or going to say. 

After all this my cousin and I walked for 45 minutes which felt good.  After we got back, I took a nap for about two hours then drove over to my cousin's house.  I hadn’t been to her house in about two weeks and I wanted to see one of her cats I'm really close with.  This little cat treats me different than she does other people and is very affectionate.  It felt so good to see her and pet her.  As I was lying on the bed she walked all over me and kept giving me rubs and purring.  She purred a lot and made me feel so good.  I can honestly say that I had a really nice time.  I felt like I was on top of the world and I felt like I had purpose.   When I got home I watered all my Mom’s flowers.  Now, I’m sitting here typing this crying.  I’ll call them happy tears!