Day 82 "Self Awareness Is Key To Stabilization"

Today has been an average day for me.  I don’t feel as low as I have the last few days.  Today I was able to get outside for a little bit in the evening and even mowed some grass using a push mower.  I also followed my diet today and ate a little healthier than I have been.  Before I started treatment for bipolar I was following my diet and sticking to it very well.  Once the medications started I was so tired that I just didn’t care.  However, I’m slowly getting back on track with it. Some days are better than others.  I could also describe my bipolar that way, some days I feel positive and others I’m really depressed.

I think I tend to sabotage myself and cause a lot of my depression.  For example, I sabotage myself by not letting go of the past and as a result have a hard time looking positively at the future.  I also sabotage myself by isolating myself from people because I think my life is a lost cause.  Another way I sabotage myself is by giving into anger that results in me acting out and talking inappropriately.  I also frequently get caught up doing things on the computer at night which interferes with me getting to bed at a descent time.  There are a lot of nights where I only sleep for three or four hours.

So I need to be more aware of my actions and think about the consequences both good and bad.  If I stay up till 4am in the morning on the computer what effect is that going to have on me the next day?  If I don’t accept my past and move on, what effect is it going to have on my overall well being and future?  When I isolate myself what effect does that have on my relationships with friends and family?  Finally, if I can’t control my anger what kind of effect is it going to have on me as well as the people around me?

I can’t answer all the questions above but need to start thinking about the answers to them.  I’m going to make a list of ways in which I think I sabotage myself and try and answer what effect those behavior have on me.  I ‘m then going to work on coming up with some new coping strategies that will allow me an alternative behavior which hopefully keeps me from being depressed.  This self awareness might possibly help me to become a little more stable and have fewer ups and down.  I was definitely mistaken, at the beginning of my treatment plan, in that I thought I was going to take a couple of pills everyday and everything was going  to be OK right away.  This journey has made me feel like I have to completely reprogram the way I interact with myself; definitely a long process!