Day 219 "This Year Is Finally Ending"

Today my mood and anxiety has been mixed.  On one hand I was excited that it's New Year's Eve and I'm able to put one of the toughest years I've ever had behind me.  Then I've had all this anxiety over the fact that we're having another house full of people tonight.  In addition to that I've also been stressing about my future.  I'm worried that I'm going to lose my case for getting disability and that I'm never going to be able to find a job.  I've screwed up so much in my past that nobody is going to want me.  I would be lucky to be able to get a job working at a fast food restaurant.  I wouldn't hire me.  So you can see today has been mixed bag of emotions for me.

Besides myself having a bad 2013 my Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car accident.  My Mom broke her pelvis and is slowly recovering getting around with a walker.  My sister broke her ribs, all the tendons in her hand, and has injured her knees.  Everyone else was able to walk away injury free but they all have suffered emotional trauma as a result.  They all still have nightmares and think about the accident a lot. 

Right after the car accident my uncle was diagnosed with stage four Esophageal Cancer.  His Oncologist said that the tumor would eventually win.  He's on his second round of Chemotherapy.  The first round was done along with Radiation with the goal being that he would be able to swallow easier.  The first round was successful in what it was supposed to do but a second CT Scan showed that he now has cancerous lesions on his liver.  The goal of this new round of Chemotherapy is to slow the progression of the lesions on the liver.  As of today he looks pretty good for an eighty-two year old man and hasn't had any major side effects from the chemotherapy.

A lot has happened in 2013 to my myself and my family.  I have a lot of stuff going through my mind at all times and it's very hard to function some days.  I don't get a whole lot of time to myself and that is something I so desperately desire.  I think it would make my bipolar easier to manage but I'm doing the best I can.  So I'm quietly saying goodbye to 2013 and optimistically looking forward to 2014.

Click picture to enlarge.

Day 216 "This Says It All"

I've been having an up and down day today.  One minute I feel OK and the next I have all this doubt in my head and don't know what's going to happen next.  These feelings are leaving me with a great deal of anxiety and I just want it all to go away.  I've had this miserable illness for a long time and have been trying to get it under control with medication for about seven months now and I wish that people would try and understand what bipolar disorder is and how it effects a persons brain.  I was looking around on the internet this evening and found a picture that sums it up quite well for me.

Click picture to enlarge.

Day 213 "Merry Christmas"

First off I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  For me it's a celebration of Jesus' birth and a time to get together with family.  This year my Mom hosted Christmas eve and put together a very nice party.  The best part of the evening for me was all the food.  My Mom made a huge ham and Romanian Cabbage Rolls (Sarmale).  She learned how to make the Cabbage Rolls from her Father who came to the United States in 1923 from Romania.  They are a tradition every Christmas and I grow to appreciate them more with each passing year.  To drink we had an awesome punch that my Grandma came up with over thirty years ago.  When I drink it I'm taken back to my childhood and the memories flood my brain. 

On Christmas eve my mood was pretty good.  I was able to socialize with pretty much everyone.  However, I still had some anxiety and tried to stay clear of the congested areas of the house.  I probably could have taken another Klonopin and been a little more relaxed.  Christmas day my mood was much better and I had a lot less anxiety.  I opened presents with my Mom then I dropped her off at my sister's house and I went and visited with my uncle, aunt, and cousin.  It was a pretty low key day.



Click picture to enlarge.

Day 203 "A lot Going On This Week"

I'm trying really hard to get myself back in the habit of writing everyday.  It did me a lot of good and helped me get through each day.  It helped me to be more consistent with tracking my bipolar symptoms and eating better.  However, I'm slowly getting back in the habit and plan on being on a daily posting schedule by New Years Day.  I also am looking to add a little more photography in the blog to make it more interesting plus that would give me a reason to start using my camera again which is something I used to do all the time.

Today has been an average day for me.  I've been staying up and watching a lot of the Christmas movies that are on all night and have messed up my sleep schedule.  The Christmas movies are all generally the same but the give me a sense of comfort that I lack this time of year.  In any event, I got up late today and sat around.  I wasn't angry but was a little depressed.  I'm trying to remain optimistic that everything is going to get better but its hard for me.  I've isolated myself from a lot of people and don't have a huge support system.  My car is also still broke and the only transportation I have is my Mom's car and she's funny about it leaving the house.  Also, since I've been on medications for the bipolar my urge to drive has decreased dramatically.  It all just upsets me and I'm praying and hoping that 2014 is a better year for myself which I hope doesn't sound selfish.

This week my ability to cope is going to be tested a lot.  Tomorrow I have to drive my Mom to her physical therapy then drive across tow to pick up my nephew from school and then drop him off with my Mom and take my Uncle across town to his doctor's appointment.  It doesn't sound like much but the way its all spaced out I will be running from breakfast to dinner.  On Tuesday I have to be up at 5 in the morning so that I can be at my Uncle's house on the other side of town by 7:30 to get him to his new round of chemotherapy that is supposed to take three to four hours.  Usually there's an hour wait once we get to the hospital because there's so many people waiting on chemotherapy and they only have so much room.  After his chemotherapy I have to drive him back home then pick up me nephew from school which consists of sitting in a parent pick up line for almost an hour before he's dismissed.  I then have a therapy session the following day along with my Mom's physical therapy, and picking up my nephew from school.  Then the rest of the week it's just helping my Mom babysit my sister's kids.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining I just feel very bogged down.  I want to help everybody but it stresses me out a lot and gives me a lot of anxiety.  I was looking at my hair tonight and it used to be dark brown.  In the last year I've lost a lot of my color and am going gray fast.  I'm going to try and cope with this week as best as I can hopefully all will go well.

Day 197 "A Lot Going On In My Head"

It's been eleven days since I last posted and I really don't feel like posting now.  However, if I talk about what's going on in my life maybe I'll feel better about things.  Since Thanksgiving I've been functioning about half.  I have been staying up late and sleeping the days away.  I have no holiday spirit and just want January to get here.  I haven't had a whole lot to say and have been very quiet.  My mood today has been much the same and I've had no energy to do anything.  I had to pick my nephew up from school today and I was so stressed because of having to do something.  The anxiety was so bad that I wasn't sure I would make it to his school.  I just wanted to stop the car and not move. 

So I was prescribed Latuda 20mg. two times per day which is a newer anti-psychotic.  I was told that this drug had a lesser chance of causing weight gain or diabetes.  Since starting this drug I've gained another fifteen pounds, my sugar numbers have been up, and I've been experiencing some blurry vision.  This is very distressing to me.  They want to give me a medication for depression but the medications side effects are causing me to feel more anxiety and depressed.  As a result, I stopped taking the Latuda and my weight gain has slowed down, my blood sugar numbers are improving, and my vision isn't blurry.  The downside has been that my depression hasn't changed and while I wish I wasn't feeling so down I'm willing to deal with it if I'm not having a bunch of drug side effects. 

So I've been going back and forth for the last few weeks about messing with my treatment plan.  I made a pledge that I would do whatever my nurse practitioner said I should do.  I've tried explaining to her that these side effects give me a lot of anxiety but she insists I should take these pills.  I've made the decision that for now I'm going to do what I need to do for my well being. 

Day 186 "Happy Thanksgiving"

I want to take a minute and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is a time for me when the family comes together to commemorate the the first Thanksgiving that the Pilgrims had after the first harvest in 1621.  I'm not big on holidays anymore and have a lot of anxiety over them but I work really hard to  make sure I'm a part of the holiday.  I have it in my head that at as time moves forward there are going to be people who aren't going to be here anymore and that's the driving force behind me attending the holidays.

This year has been a really tough year for me and I'm really thankful that I'm alive.  I started being treated for my bipolar with medications in June and it's been very hard.  I feel much more stable now than I did but I still have days where I wonder what I'm doing this for.  I feel so horrible and have so many side effects because of the medications that I wonder which is worst.  However, I made a commitment to give treatment a try or one year and I just can't quit.  Because of bipolar I've quit a lot of things in my past and I feel that if I don't stick with my treatment I'll be letting bipolar win.

Day 178 Trying To Pick Myself Up"

The last few days I've felt down.  I haven't wanted to talk to anyone and have had to force myself to be social.  I've mostly wanted to stay in bed but haven't been sleeping so well so what's the use.  For once my mood hasn't been mixed.  It's much easier to deal with a depressed mood than it is with a mood that's both manic and depressed.  I saw my nurse practitioner Sharon on Monday and told her how I was feeling.  However, part of the problem had to do with me not taking my Latuda because it was causing me vision blurriness.  She suggested that I stay on the same dose but take half in the morning and half in the evening.  Since doing this my vision has been good and no blurriness to report.

Last night I got into bed by 11 and slept pretty well until I had to get up around 6 this morning to use the bathroom.  I was looking forward to sleeping in but after using bathroom I was never able to get back to sleep.  My mood today has been OK for the most part.  I hope tonight I can sleep better than last.  If I can get more sleep tonight I know my mood will be better tomorrow.

Day 174 "Trying To Enjoy My Day Off"

Last night I slept OK and woke up a few times to use the bathroom.  I woke up this morning at around 8 which is the normal time I get up on a daily basis.  I was kind of upset because today was a the day I was going to sleep in and do what I wanted to do.  I guess my body had a different plan for me.  So I got up and took my Mom to breakfast which is something we haven't done in a long time.

My mood was both up and down today.  I had to mulch the leaves in the yard because they were getting out of control.  I worked in the yard today on and off for close to seven hours.  It was nice to be alone but I was also upset that I had no help and kept having to stop.  I get overwhelmed and there's something that goes off in my brain and I just have to stop.  When this happens all I can do is stare at what needs to be done and wonder how I'm going to do it.  I pushed myself today to do everything my Mom needed me to do and I was able to finally come in after dark. 

I feel like I'm complaining and it's making me feel like a loser.  Yesterday I was consumed with my aunt and uncle and today I was consumed with my Mom and her needs.  Nobody is ever concerned about my needs and what I need.  I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty different directions and I dislike it.  All these people know about my illness and and say they understand.  If they understood they would see that I'm getting burnt out fast.  I feel like I'm heading for a crash and when that happens I usually just walk away from whatever I was doing or whoever I was helping.

Day 172 "Trying To Figure Out How To Get Some Personal Time"

Last night I went to bed and slept for almost ten hours after getting home from the hospital.  I hit the pillow and was out.  When I woke up this morning I was still exhausted and could have easily went back to bed.  I was in my uncle's hospital room for over six hours today and couldn't keep my eyes open.  The good thing is that he was discharged today and got to go home.

My mood today has been down and depressed.  I feel like I have no time for myself to take care of my own needs.  My uncle had a feeding tube put in and my aunt is basically crippled and can't remember anything.  My uncle has a pretty bad short term memory.  He can remember things that happened thirty years ago but easily forgets things you've just told him.  My cousin who is an only child is always at work and even if she were more available I think the feeding tube would gross her out especially if the tube leaked or if any liquid were to come out of his stomach through the tube.  I only say this this because she gets grossed out if one of her animals throws up even if its just liquids.  As a result I feel like its just me and that's just the way its going to be.

I need some time off from my uncle and I also need time off from my Mom and sister.  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions.  I guess it would be different if I was getting something for it.  Nobody pays me for anything I do.  It's just kind of expected that since I'm not working that I'm going to just be there for everyone.  Don't get me wrong, I love all these people and want to help as much as I can but I just keep doing and get nothing in return.  This weekend my cousin has off and I'm going to try and stay away so that I can get a little time to myself.  I will let everyone know how that goes for me.  Maybe I can have a depression free day or two.

Day 171 "Just Tired Today"

Last night I got home from dropping my aunt off at her house and I was exhausted.  I thought I could stay up a while and look at some email but I was mistaken.  I laid on my bed with the intention of only being there for a few minutes and the next thing I new it was 3 in the morning.  I then got up and got on my bed clothes and slept until 9 this morning.  I slept a total of ten hours.  The worst part is that all day I've felt like I could go back to bed and feel like I'm dragging.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for me to accomplish all the things I need to do.  However, this next week I have a personal goal to take a little time for myself and do a better job at caring for myself.  I've been doing a great job of making sure everyone gets what they need but neglecting my own needs.

My mood today has been both good and bad.  As I've stated before I cycle back and forth between highs and lows more now than ever.  Today I started out pretty happy with no major complications
and was OK till it was time to go and pick up my nephew.  I love him to death and it isn't his fault but I just got really angry and depressed.  I started cussing and saying things that were inappropriate.  I'm glad I was alone because I wouldn't want my nephew to hear the things that came out of my mouth.

Anyway, today was not another good day for me but I'm going to cope the best I can and try to get by the best I can. 

Day 170 "Need Some Time Off"

I didn't make a post yesterday.  I was so tired after spending the entire day at the hospital again that when I got home I hit the pillow and was out like a light.  My body was just spent and I let it do what it wanted.

Last night I slept fairly good and only woke up twice and that was to use the bathroom.  I woke up to the most amazing looking snowfall that occurred overnight.  There is still a lot of leaves on the ground and the wet snow looked really pretty up against all the colors still in the trees.  For a minute I was able to forget about all the troubles I've been having and focus on the beauty right in front of my eyes.

My mood today has been both up and down which seems to be pretty regular for me.  I'm upset and a little overwhelmed that I have so much on my plate.  I'm not able to take care of my needs and I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me in a bad way which is the last thing I want to happen.  I need some time to myself for a while and would so much like to just get away for a week.  I just need some time where I don't  have to answer to anyone and can just relax.

I've been compliant with all my medications but have one I'm having some trouble with.  I take 60mg of Latuda and it's causing me some vision trouble.  It makes my vision a little blurry and sometimes It's worse than other times.  The problem with that is I drive a lot and I'm afraid of getting in an accident.  I was going to just stop taking it but I thought I would stick it out a month.  I feel like none of the anti-psychotics are working and that maybe I should just suck it up without them.  It's been almost six months now and I still can't get one to work.  I'm just going to try and remain optimistic that something will eventually work.  

Day 168 "Yet Another Day At The Hospital"

Last night I went to bed really late and didn’t sleep well at all. I kept watching the clock and finally fell asleep around 5 this morning. Around 8 this morning I woke up again with a charlie horse in my left calf. It took me five minutes to get out of bed and stretch the cramp out. It has been almost eight hours since then and I can still feel it.  

My mood today has been up and down and I am kind of upset about it. I’ve been at the hospital everyday at least eight hours since my uncle was admitted and my aunt just informed me that she wants to be up here tomorrow at 8 in the morning and will want to stay till visiting hours are over at 8 pm. I don’t mind helping my family out at all but I was kind of looking forward to a day off. My medications make me really tired and I’ve been going everyday. Then to boot on Tuesday I have to start doing my regular weekly running for my sister in addition to running my aunt around.

I just need a break from everything and everyone for a few days. It would be nice to be able to shut the cell phone off and enjoy a cup of coffee without the worries that I might be missing something. It would be nice to spend some time with a friend going to a flea market or shopping. I’m just so depressed of not having a life and dealing with everyone else’s problems. I want some time to myself and people to pamper me a little bit.

Day 167 "Another Day At The Hospital"

Last night I slept pretty well getting about nine hours of sleep. I did wake up several times to use the bathroom but easily went back to sleep with no problems. Today, my mood started out as very irritable and I wanted to tell everyone off. After a few hours my mood stabilized and the anger went away. I have some days when I’m angry all day and others where my anger happens sporadically.

Today I’ve spent another day at the hospital because of having to get my aunt back and forth. My uncle has been there for over a week and has missed his last two radiation appointments and a chemotherapy appointment. The radiation oncologist said that the last two treatments would probably be cancelled. The radiation was supposed to shrink my uncle’s tumor but it hasn’t seemed to help. He still has a hard time keeping food and water down. His oncologist thought that it may just be pain from the radiation that is causing him distress and ordered a pain medication to be administered before he eats that hasn’t seemed to help either. He basically eats or drinks nothing and is starving to death.

The oncologist said the tumor would eventually win and I think my uncle knows this. I feel like he knows his time is about up and that he just wants to die. I feel like the fight is just about gone in him and that he would rather die than keep going through all this pain. I’m at peace if he wants to die; I just hope he passes comfortably and quickly.

Day 166 "Update On Me And Blog"

Well, since going to only posting three days a week I haven’t had too much to say about myself. At first I thought this was a good thing thinking that maybe I was stabilizing but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bad thing. It’s me heading in to a mixed episode.  
I’ll start out with my Uncle who has esophageal cancer. He hasn’t been able to swallow anything and when he tries to swallow he ends up throwing up because he says it feels like his esophagus is filling up. In any event, he’s become very weak because of lack of nutrition and fell in the shower last week. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted. His heart rate was extremely high and he had to see a cardiologist who was able to reduce it with medications. He was supposed to have his last two radiation and chemotherapy treatments this week but they were postponed until his heart is totally stable. The bottom line is that he has to eat or his organs are going to stop functioning properly. His oncologist wants him to have a feeding tube put in but my uncle refuses and says when it’s his time to go that will be it.

As a result, I have been doing a lot of running the last week and while it doesn’t bother me I’m extremely tired and not eating right myself. I’ve also been very irritable, sleeping a lot, and figuring ways up in my head how to get out of all this running. This week, I’ve ran my aunt back and forth to the hospital everyday and sat with her, taken my cousin back and forth to work a couple of times, picked up my nephew from school twice, and picked up my Mom from my sister’s house after dropping my aunt off the other night. I’m not trying to complain and love all of my family a lot but the medication I’m on makes it hard for me to function positively for long periods of time. I also get tired a lot easier and need more sleep now. I have found myself feeling angry and resentful at times and then at times I feel a lot of compassion and love. It’s just a much bigger struggle for me to balance everything now than it was a few years ago. I’m not saying I can’t or don’t want to help but I sure am learning my limitations.

From here on out I’m going to go back to posting something everyday. I thought I could make the blog less boring and more interesting if I cut down on the number of posts and wrote more about subjects rather than myself. Well, I’m the subject of this blog and this is my space to talk about my ups and downs and me. Some days may seem boring but that’s life and I need to focus and write about mine.

Day 160, "If Good Support Could Talk: Treatment Support & Resources"

Imagine that the BEST support or resource you received for your bipolar Treatment (medication, drugs, counseling, etc.) could talk…. what would it say? You can use the Mad Libs-type of structure below or your own, but please write your post in the voice of the support or resource. It can talk, remember 

• My name is [insert specific support/resource]
• and I was discovered [insert how/where/from whom support/resource was found]
• by my friend (you!) to help him/her [insert challenge you faced].
• Before my friend discovered me, he/she felt [insert your emotions]
• and hoped I could [insert expectation of support/resource]
• I provided my friend with [insert type of support/resource given] and [insert other type of support/resource given]
• My friend was happy with me because I [insert why support/resource was so great] and [insert other why support/resource was so great].
• They especially liked [insert best part about the support/resource]
• After receiving my support/resource, my friend [insert outcome/feeling/success].

My name is Community Services

and I was discovered through the county mental health board website

by my friend Jrock to help him manage his bipolar disorder.

Before Jrock found me he had just about given up the fight, was very withdrawn...distant

and hoped I could help Jrock take back his life and manage his bipolar.

I provided my friend with the counseling and medication he would need to fight his illness and become in control of his life.

My friend was happy with me because he was feeling more stable and beginning to feel there was hope for his future.

He especially liked that he was starting to feel motivated again.

After receiving my support Jrock is starting to become more balanced and successfully managing his bipolar.

 

Jrock had never had counseling up until this point. He basically made a lot mistakes and beat himself up over them. When he started counseling he was very distant and withdrawn. He had a hard time opening up to me at first so I encouraged him to write everyday about what he did and how he handled things. After the first few weeks of journaling Jrock began to see and understand how being bipolar had affected him. Up until this point Jrock had a hard time admitting to himself that he could be bipolar. Jrock continued his journaling and we came up with a daily tracker that he used to record his mood, anxiety, mania, and anger. I would look through his mood tracker and we would discuss and come up with coping strategies Jrock could use if he felt like he was slipping in an area. For example, I worked with Jrock on deep breathing exercises he could use as a coping mechanism when he felt anger. The idea was that if he felt himself becoming angry he was to go to a quiet place and do some deep breathing to calm down and think about why he was getting angry. 

 

Jrock also suffered from bulimia and a coping strategy we came up for that was that if after he ate he felt like had to purge he was supposed to go outside and take a brisk walk. The idea was to get him away from the negative situation and get him doing something positive which was walking off the food instead of purging it. Jrock had a few setbacks over the course of me counseling him but discovered that instead of beating himself up over them he should face the setback, deal with it, and move on with what he was doing. After about a year of counseling Jrock had become much more confident in his abilities, had gotten a new job, accepted his bipolar, and was taking his medication as prescribed. Jrock was smiling and seemed to be excited about life which was a complete turnaround. However, Jrock stopped coming to his sessions and we never heard from him again until three and a half years later. 

It seems that Jrock’s complete turnaround drove him into a manic episode in which he abused drugs, drank a lot, spent way too much money, was promiscuous and began to not perform well at his job. I heard that he crashed after a few months into a deep depression, quit his job and had become very withdrawn and distant again. He told the intake specialist that he has had two more manic episodes in which he's been promiscuous, used drugs, and not slept for days on end. Jrock told the intake specialist that he's at the end of his rope and realizes he made a major mistake by ending his treatment three years ago. He said that he wants to pick up where he left off and get his life back in order. I can't wait to see Jrock again and provide him with the counseling and medication he needs to fight his bipolar with.

 

Day 157 "Dear Diary: I Needed Support When . . ."

It's pretty simple for me Before, During, and After my last treatment change for bipolar. The kind of support of I've ALWAYS needed was from my family and that's been something that I've never received when it comes to my being bipolar. I'm a very private person and telling my friends and confiding in them was and is something I don't do a lot.

Where I have ALWAYS gone for support was the internet. It's not the best place to go because there's nothing like being able to have the support from someone face to face. There's an intimacy there that can't be replaced. For me, I have found a couple of online communities where I could interact with other people about my illness and gain valuable information. These communities I was involved with dealt with more than bipolar which made me have to search out what I needed which ultimately made me bored and I would end up not sticking it out.

This site I’m currently involved in has been the best online community that I've come across to date and has offered me the most in terms of support than any other online place I've been. There's a lot of information that I can go online and find that deals with bipolar but this site is a simple bipolar community where we all just interact and learn from one another. 

Dear Diary, I needed the support of my family from day one but that never happened and I've finally found a community where I can get that support and as a result I'm dealing a little bit better.

Day 155 "Rules To Live By"

Growing up you learn to live by your parents’ rules. Then when you’re on your own you start living by society’s rules. But at some point, you start living by your own rules! What are my top three rules to live by? What makes these rules so important? Are these the kinds of rules everyone should follow?

1. Be honest with yourself and everyone you deal with!
2. Finish what you start!
3. Be thankful for what you have!

These rules are important to me because I want to lead a better life. Ten years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want. As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions that impacted my life in a negative way. It's taken me a lot of years to come up with these rules for my life but since I have, my life has been going in a better direction.  

Things are making more sense to me now than ever before. I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight that motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life. I think my top three rules are basic rules that everyone should follow but we are all different and have different needs so what's good for me may not be good for someone else!

I think it's important for everyone to have rules that guide their lives. What matters most is that they work for you:-)  Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another. It basically comes down to what's most important to you when establishing your own set.

Day 150 "As Good As It Gets"

So, what is “normal”? Am I at the point of “As Good As It Gets”? How do I know?

There are certainly many different ways to define "normal". I think what is normal can change constantly because of our situations and what we're going through at the moment. Also, how one person reacts to something can be very different from another person, yet it still is normal in both situations. What I considered normal at a clearer time in my life can be very different for me from day to day now. The funny thing is I ask myself, "What is normal anyway?" Is it normal to just be how you are regardless of what you're going through at the time?

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of depression and anxiety but did a lot of things with my friends and family. As I grew into my thirties I still went out with my friends and did things but as I progressed through my thirties I wanted more alone time as my level of anxiety increased. Now going into my forties I want more "me time" and "alone time"! I still have a desire to do things but it's less of doing things in the moment and more of doing activities that are planned out and meaningful which I guess goes along with how I deal and cope with my bipolar which is to plan and organize my life so I can stay ahead of the game.

I want to be alone a lot because I don't want my negativity and depression to rub off on anyone else or bring anyone down. However, one thing I do now is to force myself to be outside on a daily basis. I plan all my days out ahead of time and in that plan during the warmer months I schedule myself to be outside walking/hiking at least twice a week sometimes more. 

I recently found a place to be by myself outdoors where I can hike, walk, bird watch, sit on a bench, take photographs, or just stare at the sky and be mindful with whatever I’m doing. I also like to sit outside at night before I go to bed and be mindful with my surroundings that helps me to sleep better. In the past I was feeling down a lot or having some sort of negativity going on but in the last few months since I have forced myself to be outside and practicing being mindful of my surroundings my mind is less foggy and more relaxed which makes me feel more normal. 

While what I do might not work for you I think you and everyone else that may be struggling should fight to find that one little place or thing that makes you feel normal and just keep at it. They say once you do something over and over for an extended amount of time you form a habit. In my mind if you can find something that makes you feel good for 5 minutes and make it a habit you are only doing yourself good and creating your own normalcy.

Today marks the 150th day since my treatment began and with that said I'm making a couple of changes to the blog. First, postings will now happen three days per week instead of everyday. I feel that if I had more time to work on the posting it could be developed more and be more meaningful. Finally, I want to add more sections to the blog and with the decrease in postings I can spend more time developing other areas. I'm taking a few days off and the new schedule will take off on Monday October 28, 2013. New postings will appear on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. So, until this coming Monday...Take Care!

Day 149 ''Medical Marijuana"

I am sorry if this subject is too controversial for some people.  I myself have personally been wanting to express and get an opinion of others in my shoes for a very long time, and have never found the right platform to do it.  I am 41, and was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago.  I have in the past turned to alcohol to self medicate, which in turn led me to terrible decision making and more misery.

I realized about 14 years ago that marijuana has a completly different and calming effect on me.  Gone is the irrational thoughts, craziness, and urges that usually get me in trouble.  I find myself much more engaged.  Something I have also noticed is when using small amounts of marijuana daily I have become much more calm and am able to enjoy the little things in life more. 

There are two strains of marijuana and each have different effects.  The strains are Sativa and Indica that is probably more suitable for bipolar disorder.  The Indica strain produces less anxiety and generally it’s more relaxing.  You will not have hallucinations with this strain but you will probably eat more and it’s good for nausea.  Someone with some experience can achieve more medical benefits with the Indica strain.  You'll sleep better, you'll feel more relaxed, but you might get more of that "couch lock" feeling where you are glued to your chair staring at the TV.
Because the word is so polarizing to people socially in regard to marijuana it has to almost be your own dirty little secret, because people think your just advocating drug use, when that couldn’t be furthest from the truth.  Many just refer to you as a "drug addict" so it is something I have had to mostly keep to myself.  It is the one thing that I’ve found that I can use in the same manner as taking a pill every day. 

I haven't smoke marijuana in 16 months but smoked two to three times a day for over 15 years.  I've never had horrible side effects from smoking and have never viewed marijuana as a gateway drug.  I feel like the "dealer" is the gateway because when they don't have marijuana they always have something else to offer.  The people I know that have bad side effects with marijuana are usually drinking as well.  It’s not good to drink with marijuana just as it isn’t good to drink with any medication.

My dream is that it becomes decriminalized and legal in my state because if it's easy to get there's no need for a substitute.  Marijuana always helped me to unwind and feel a sense of normalcy from racing thoughts and rapid cycling.

Everyone is intitled to their opinion and marijuana doesn't work for everybody, which I respect, but what about the people that it benefits?

Day 148 " Feeling Miserable"

Today has been one of those days you just want to end.  I was up almost all night coughing and sneezing.  Every time I thought I was over it and would lay down it would all just start over again.  Needless to say I've been tired all day and all I want to do is sleep.

My mood has been unusually good and stable today considering I feel like a train wreck.  My sister and her kids were at the house today and her kids were just rotten.   They tore the house up and had both my Mom and sister nuts.  However I remained calm and didn't let any of it effect me.

I hope I can sleep better tonight but I'm not going to hold my breath.  I have a lab in the morning to check my current Lithium level and also check my A1C number as well as my fasting blood sugar number.  I have to be at the hospital around 8 in the morning and if tonight is anything like last night I'll be up at 2 in the morning coughing my brains out.  Well that's what's going on in my world and I'm going to sign off and see if I can sleep.

Day 147 "Diet And Being Bipolar, Diabetic, And Having High Blood Pressure"

I have been on a quest to get healthier the last year by quitting smoking, trying to exercise more, and making changes in my diet.  Before I started my diet changes, I was eating a lot of processed foods high in fat, sodium, and eating little to no vegetables.  People that have bipolar disorder have a greater risk of becoming overweight when taking medications that cause heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure.  I have been doing a lot of reading in an effort to learn more about what I put in my body and have found out that a person who has bipolar can greatly benefit from eating a well balanced diet full of nutrient dense foods.  Examples of nutrient dense foods are fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats, fish, eggs, low fat dairy, whole grains, soy products, and nuts and seeds.

There are also a number of diet precautions that people with bipolar disorder should take when making changes to their diet.  Caffeine use should be kept at low to moderate levels because it can lower the sedative effects of some medications and disrupt sleep.  Eating high fat meals can delay the time it takes for many bipolar medications to take effect.  Sodium intake is something that everyone should watch but people who take lithium need to have higher amounts of sodium to keep the levels of lithium from increasing in their blood.

The above information covers how a person with bipolar disorder and high blood pressure should eat but it doesn’t go as far as how a person diagnosed with diabetes should eat.  In addition people with diabetes are encouraged to eat low-carbohydrate, low fat high fiber foods that contain lower amounts of sugar.  Examples of foods to stay away from are lunch meats, fast food, pastries, basically anything that’s processed.  I’m still learning and have a long way to go.  However much of what I’ve learned is that there has to be balance.

Here is the diet plan I’m following:

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Day 146 "What Year And Time Would You Choose?"

I am a date and time person always able to recall specific events that have happened in my life. I can recall who, what, why, and where which boggles the minds of everyone I know. I’m the one in my family that can remember that Christmas in 1981 where I woke the entire house at 4 A.M. yelling that someone was trying to break in our house and steal all the presents. However, it was just the paperboy leaving our newspaper inside the front door as he usually did. I’m the person that people I know call when they need information about weddings, funerals, school events, past weather conditions, or family members. My Grandma used to tell me that I was a walking encyclopedia.

I’m always recalling different times in my life and recently wondered if I had one whole day which to revisit a specific year and time, what would I choose. The year and time I would most like to revisit for one day is any day in September 1985. There were no cell phones or internet and the most popular computers people had were the Apple 2 and Commodore 64. I was thirteen years old and in the eighth grade during that time. The weather was sunny and warm with very little rain. I had two favorite songs which I listened too over and over again which were “We Built This City” by Starship and “Man In Motion (St. Elmos Fire)” by John Parr. Whenever I hear either of these songs today I’m im mediately taken back to the fall of 1985. It was in September 1985 that my parents finally gave me a house key and permitted me to walk home from school for the first time. September 1985 was a stress free time in my life where I was finally able to feel like I was growing up and starting to think about my future as an adult. I was always kind of depressed as a kid but in the spring of 1986 I had my first major bout with depression which I think was the beginning of me being bipolar.

I was wondering if anyone else had a year and time in their life they would like to revisit for one day if they had the chance.

• What year and time would you like to revisit for one day?
• What do you remember about this specific time?
• What kind of impact did this specific time have on your life?

Day 145 "My Movie Starring..."

First off, my movie would be a comedy in the style of a Family Guy episode.  I come from a good family but growing up my family was less than perfect.  We were not the Brady Bunch and really not Leave It To Beaver.  We were always a little sarcastic with each other and someone was always trying to be funny.  We were like a cross between the families on Roseanne and Family Guy with the only exception being that there were four kids in my family.  My film would be a comedy with serious twist to it and more than likely it would be animated.

Seth MacFarlane would be cast as me.  We are close in age and I really enjoy his brand of comedy. He is witty and serious yet he can be very sarcastic which I feel describes me.  Seth would be the main character telling the story of my life by recalling past events.  I don't really have any other preferences on who plays who.  I just know the type of character I would be looking for.

My Mom would be the martyr in my movie.  She is head of the family who is always right, demands things her way, and is OCD.  She is concerned about what others think of her and has major self esteem issues. 

My Dad's character is hardworking, quiet and passive.  He never takes time off from work because he has to support four kids and a wife.  He has moments where he'll be angry but it's usually because he's pushed to that.

My older brother's character is pompous and arrogant.  He enjoys hearing himself talk and always uses long words and phrases.  He is much older than the other children and very selfish.  He expects his parents to get him whatever he wants and has no regard for there being three other children.

My little brother's character is shy and very withdrawn from the family.  He prefers to be alone and has a very short fuse.  He says what he wants and is labeled as a smart mouth at an early age.

My younger sister's character is the spoiled little girl in the family.  She can do no wrong and gets everything she wants.  She has everyone wrapped around her fingers and just expects everyone to do what she wants.  She acts like a brat when she's not around her parents.

My cousin's character is only ten years younger than my Mom (her Aunt) and is an only child.  She is very outspoken and has a narcissistic personality.  She complains a lot and cries when she doesn't get her way which causes everyone to just always give in to her.  She never had siblings of her own and spent a lot of time with our family her entire life.  However, she is very smart, compassionate, and is my best friend.

The actors (or a character from a movie or TV show) that would play each of the people in the life I've described would be as follows.

Mom would be played by Roseanne Barr.  I like Roseanne and think her wild outlook on life could add a funny twist on my Mom's OCD.

My Dad would be played by Clint Eastwood.  He's got a dry sense of humor much like my Dad does and is soft spoken as well.  In every movie he's in he always seems to get the job done which would be perfect for this role.

My older brother would be played by Tom Cruise.  They are very close in age and have similar looks. I think Tom Cruise would be great at being pompous, arrogant, and self-righteous.  Plus he's kind of a short guy which my older brother isn't and to me that would be funny if my older brother could have little man syndrome.  Of course that would be something that the audience would have to figure out on their own.  My older brother is a very strict Catholic and can be very preachy.

My little brother would be played by Neil Patrick Harris.  They are the same age and I Iike his brand of comedy.  He's a lot taller than my little brother but in my story I want my older brother to be short and my little brother to be tall.  My little brother is a lot like my older brother but is more shy, less outgoing, and with a shorter fuse.  My older brother accepts all people but my little brother lives in a world where he only really accepts those people that are white and strict Baptist.  He is also very preachy about his religious beliefs. I think Neil being openly gay could bring a real funny twist on my younger brother's character.

My sister would be played by Amy Schumer who is a comedienne.  They look very similar and Amy is very sarcastic and has a potty mouth which describes my sister.  I think that Amy would make a great Daddy's girl and would knock my sister's character out of the park.

My cousin's character would be played by Rosie O'Donnell.  My cousin has the same type of demeanor that Rosie has.  They are both outspoken, very loud, like to be the center of attention, and can be unapproachable but also very compassionate and intelligent.  I think that Rosie would be perfect to play my cousin and really make the character come to life.

So if I was going to make a movie of my life with bipolar disorder there is the general outline of what I had to work with.  However, I would want my movie to be funny  as well as serious which is why I chose the actors I chose.   I thin it would be funny to watch a Scientologist play a strict Catholic and for a openly gay man to play the character of my little brother who is very unaccepting of gay people.  If I was a little smarter I probably would move forward with this and try to make something out of it.  Who knows, maybe some day I'll have a real movie out.

Day 144 "Motivation And Inspiration"

Motivation is the drive to accomplish a goal or task.  People are motivated by many different things such as money, power, greed, sex, and compassion to name a few.  Me, I’m motivated by wanting to get my bipolar disorder under control before anything else in my life right now.  To accomplish that there’s a bunch of changes I had to make.  First I had to come to grips with the fact that I will have to take medication for the rest of my life.  Second I had to be honest with myself and open up to a therapist about everything I’ve done in my life both good and bad.  For me this meant writing out a timeline from birth until present day.  It got really hard for me when I was describing my jobs because I basically screwed them all up.  However, to get the proper treatment I had to tell it the way it happened.  Finally, I’ve had to learn that compliance to treatment is the only way to get stable and stay that way.  The way I stay compliant is to keep track of everything on a daily tracker.

 

Click on my Daily Tracker to enlarge.

 

Inspiration is the arousal or stimulation of the mind through music, words, pictures, or people.  This is a tough one. I think the biggest inspiration in my life lately is seeing that people do still care about one another and want to help others. Sure there are a lot of people that aren't that way. But I have met people that are going through much tougher times than me and they aren't giving up. That inspires me to face each day with a positive outlook instead of looking at everything in a negative way. I feel inspiration when even just one person goes out of their way for something as simple as holding a door open, someone paying someone else's rent, or helping someone pay for their groceries.  This is what Motivation and Inspiration mean to me!

Day 143 "Medication Changes Today"

Today I still feel sick.  I'm coughing, sneezing, and feel very tired.  All I want to do is sleep but that's not possible because I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner today and then have to pick my nephew up from school.  I hope today goes smoothly because I'm in no mood for anything to go wrong.  My mood is on the low side today and I'm very irritable.

So I had my appointment with Sharon, my nurse practitioner, today and she made several changes to my treatment.

1. 1.  She changed my daily dose of Lithium from 1200mg to 1500mg.  I was at the lower end of the therapeutic range (.60) and she thinks the higher dose will help my hypomania.  She also explained to me that Lithium is the drug that has been causing my tremors and that if needed she can get me a pill to help that.
2. 2.  She took me off the Abilify because of all the manic behavior I've been having.  I was on it for three weeks and was hypersexual, constantly cleaning, irritable, not sleeping, and having restless leg syndrome.
3. 3.  She prescribed me a newer anti psychotic called Latuda at 40mg for one week then 60mg after that.  She said this drug has side effects like all the other anti psychotics but this drug has a better track record so far. 

My blood pressure today was 130/78 and my heart rate was 70.  I have to see the nurse to get this drug every month so she's going to keep track of my blood pressure, heart rate, and weight.  I really feel like they care about me and It just makes me want to be that more compliant.  I have to get this illness under control and appreciate that they listen to me.  On that note I'm gong to sign off and go to bed.  I need to get myself better.

Day 142 "Sick Today"

This is the first time in a long time where I don't feel depressed and like I want to curl up in a dark room and hide from everyone.  I feel steady and am not stressed out.  I have some medication issues that still have to be worked out because of I’ve had some side effects and am hypomanic but overall I’m feeling better than I did in the summer.

However, I’m sick and pretty much want to stay in bed all day.  I have a light fever, headache, coughing and really achy.  I think maybe I have a seasonal thing because I always seem to get a bug right around the time the weather changes.  It never fails; when the seasons change I get a bug of some sort.  At this point I’m looking forward to getting over this cold I have and getting on with my life.

Tomorrow I see Sharon, my nurse practitioner, to go over my Lithium results.  We are also going to discuss my current drug cocktail.  I feel the Ablilify has caused me to become manic especially since my dose of Lithium was raised.  The Abilify has also caused me to have a slight tremor in my left hand and restless leg syndrome.  I can’t sit still sometimes and it drives me insane.  Now that my Lithium has been raised I want to know why I’m hypomanic so much?  I don’t have an answer for that yet but will hopefully get that tomorrow.  Finally, the Klonopin is OK but I feel like it’s doing nothing for me.  I have a lot of anxiety, have been crying a lot, and been very angry and irritable.  Is there another benzodiazepine that might work better?  Hopefully I’ll get an answer tomorrow for that question as well.  For now I’m going to bed and I will give an update tomorrow when the appointment is over.

Day 141 "Not Feeling Great Today"

Today has been a weird day for me.  I have been hypomanic and got a lot of word done outside.  I mowed both my yard and my cousins yard.  I also organized the garage and did some more organizing in my bedroom.  However,  I have felt really slow today and have wanted to lay down and take a nap from the time I woke up.  I have just felt a little off and I don't know why.  I do know that I that I see my nurse practitioner on Wednesday and I think there will be some medication changes as  I'm still having the restless legs and the tremor in my left hand.

Tomorrow is going to be a lo9ng day for me and I hope I can get through it.  I have group therapy in the morning and then I have to pick my nephew up from school and babysit him until his Mom gets home from work.  If I'm lucky maybe I'll get to catch a nap at my sister's house tomorrow.  Anyway, I'm going to get off here and get a good night sleep and hopefully that will make me feel better tomorrow.

Day 140 "Square Breathing"

This past couple of weeks in my group session on Mindfulness we worked on a technique called Square Breathing.  This technique is a simple way to refocus your attention and a great way to bring calmness and tranquility to yourself.  This technique can be done anywhere anytime but my group leader suggested the most effective way to do this technique is to sit tall in your chair, both feet flat on the floor, and your arms at your side. After that, there are just four simple breathing segments each done to a count of four.

• Inhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4
• Exhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4 

You can repeat the process making sure to focus on the breath until you feel relaxed.   I’ve been doing the technique everyday for the last two weeks and have to do the technique five or six times to feel relaxed.  However, the more I practice the technique the more I feel it’s working.  It’s such a simple tool to help someone who has anxiety and I highly suggest it.

Today has been a pretty good day for me.  I took my Mom shopping today and that’s an activity that drives me insane.  I feel a ton of anxiety when I have to go in a store. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.  I worked in retail for over ten years and many times suffered panic attacks.  In any event, Square Breathing helped me to feel less anxiety today and made my day a whole lot better.

Day 139 "Seasonal Changes And Their Effects"

I've been hypomanic /manic for the last three weeks but I also feel like I could sleep the days away.  I've also been having some balance problems, tremors in my left hand, restless leg syndrome, and some muscle weakness.   In addition to all that my daily dose of lithium was raised from 900mg to 1200mg and it’s had no effect on me at all.   When I first started taking it my mania stopped dead in it’s tracks.  The abilify has to be the reason I’ve been so manic lately or I’ve even thought it could be the change in seasons.

I think I’ve always had seasonal affective disorder and have found that it gets worse each year.   When the days start getting shorter it is harder for me to get out of bed.  If you live in a northeastern state like Ohio that can be a huge issue especially if the winter is cold and harsh.   There have been a few winters where we’ve been house bound for weeks on end.   It can be very depressing especially when the snow won’t stop.

I also tend to set myself up for a fall with expectations for the holidays.  They can be a enjoyable but I always have unrealistic expectations of loving family times, lots of gifts, baking, and doing things we didn't have time or money for when I was a child that end up making me more depressed than before the holidays.  I often just feel left out of things during the holidays and find it to be one of my more challenging times of the year.

In any event I’m going to work with my nurse practitioner to make sure my medications are at the correct dosages so that I can cope better.   I’m also going to continue to work on leading a more mindful life where I focus on what is in front of me and observe how it feels, smells, looks, and acts.   Maybe the fact that I haven’t acted in a mindful way in the past has contributed to some of my problems.

Day 138 "How This Week Is Going"

Today and the last few days I've felt pretty much the same.  My mood has been moderately elevated and I've been having some side effects with the Abilify.  My legs are still restless and I have a slight tremor in my left hand which bothers me a little bit.  I see my nurse practitioner this coming week and I'm going to see if there's something else that i can take with less side effects.

I have been hypomanic most of this week.  I have been organizing, cleaning, rearranging things, and having rapid speech.  However, I haven't been hypersexual which is a good thing.  Usually when I'm hypomanic I'm very hypersexual which is hard for me to control.  Tonight is my Uncles 82nd. birthday and my cousin and I are going to go see him.  I took some pictures I had of his beloved golden retriever who passed away framed for him.  I'm hoping it's a nice night.

Day 137 "How I Feel About My Bipolar Disorder"

I was recently asked if I’m open about my bipolar disorder or do I just mask it.  Here’s what my friend had to say about his disorder.

“I will be honest. I am ashamed of my bipolar label.  Just the other day I was at the grocery store and one of the workers called an angry customer "Bipolar".  People don't even know what that means.  To some it even means I'm an axe murderer.  I avoid the label at all costs.  I collect social security disability, but I don't want people to know about it.  To the world I'm just a regular guy in between jobs.  I never tell people I'm Bipolar.  I feel such shame with the label.   To make matters worse my friends and family that know my label have spread the word.  I notice that people that know don't bother to talk to me the same way.”

Me, I don't tell anyone about being Bipolar unless I've been friends with them for years so for me it's on a need to know basis.  People are afraid of people with bipolar disorder and for good reason; it carries a negative connotation with it.  Every time there is a mass shooting it's a person with a mental illness and usually its bipolar disorder.

Even Dr's treat you differently when you tell them you’re bipolar.  You'll notice that when you have a medical issue it will be blamed on your meds first and next it will be your disease.  It's in your head either way which is a shame.  I don't even tell my Dr's unless they need to know.  I educate myself but have stopped trying to educate others.  From my experience with others, it's a seeing is believing society that we live in and you have to experience it first hand to believe it.

When I was working my last full time job I did have, what I thought was, a good friend who I opened up to and told him I was bipolar.  However, his first words were "Are you on medication?”   He has become distant since.  I know it is due to all the negative press about people with bipolar disorder. So, I learned that it's best to not discuss it at work and tried very hard to stay as positive as possible which we all know is impossible some days.  There were days I wanted to tell my boss "Look, I’m having a manic episode, SO LEAVE ME ALONE YOU WITCH!!”  Instead I just got to a point where I couldn’t function anymore and walked out.

Everyday I dream about of a life of seclusion where my bipolar will be under control!  I dream of owning a little house in the country with a fireplace and lots of trees.  I long for that day when I can wake up and feel free and just enjoy the day.  However, until that day I'm going to learn to be more mindful and live in the moment.

Day 136 "What Really Get's Me Going"

Not much has changed since yesterday.  I still have restless legs, a slight tremor in my left hand, I drool because of the Bell's palsy, and I continue to be hypomanic even though my lithium dose was raised.  I also have been really moody and really blew up on my Mom tonight and she knows how to press my buttons.

I feel like I my Mom and sister run my life.  I do whatever they want basically but I find myself resenting both of them for all the stuff they ask of me.  The part that really bothers is that they usually just decide what I'm going to do and and then let me know.  I've tried setting boundaries and rules that basically request that they run things past past me or ask before scheduling me to do something.  I've asked this at least a dozen times but they keep doing what they do.  It just annoys the crap out of me.

I asked my Mom tonight what would happen if something were to happen to me or I have an appointment what my sister would do and she got really angry and said that my sister had backup if she needed it.  Well, I've never heard of any backup, I'm it.  Then my Mom continued and said that families are supposed to stick together and help one another.  She's told me that my brothers and sister will take care of me when I'm older If  I need them to.  I just can't accept that statement because all my siblings know I'm having a rough time right now and none of them have offered me a helping hand.  As a matter of fact I feel like they ignore me now more than ever.

Day 135 "Pick Me Ups And Bring Me Downs"

In the various environments and surroundings we encounter each day, there are sights, smells, sounds, tastes, feelings and so many other things taking place around us.  Some of these may set us off in good ways and bad.  For example, I turn to music when I need a pick me up.  It's not always the words that make me feel good but more about the sound of the music and picking out nuances, key changes, and places where musicians are out of tune.  I listen to a lot of instrumental music which makes it easier to do this as the musicians are actually playing an instrument.  It just takes me to a whole different place where nothing else matters.

I also love the smells at the holidays. My Mom has had her decorations stored in the same boxes for years and those smells take me back to my childhood and that makes me feel like a kid again.  I also have a Christmas coloring book I bought in 1980 that I get out every year and color a little in it and that really takes me back to my childhood. I was in the third grade then.

On the flip-side of that watching the news always makes me anxious because it's always doom and gloom.  The first fifteen minutes of my local news is most always about death.  I only ever really watch it for the weather but I can get that online.  Another thing that sets off negative feelings is the on ramp to the expressway.  This happens because people are always texting while they drive, speeding, and not paying attention to what's going on around them.  I'm not afraid to drive the highway but it makes me very nervous.

I have also been participating in a weekly group session on mindfulness and have noticed that some of the techniques we've been talking about can help pick me up.  What I've been practicing is concentrating on what is right in front of me and if I drift off I bring myself back.  Concentrating on one thing at a time makes life easier and provides more time for enjoyment and less stress.

Day 134 "Today Was Like Yesterday"

Last night  I had a hard time sleeping.  My legs were very restless and I couldn't get comfortable.  I just wanted to sleep and it was impossible.  I also had some more tremors in my left hand which are starting to disturb me a little bit.  I see my therapist on Wednesday and will be talking to her about all this.  I also plan on stopping in and seeing the nurse to see what she has to say about all of this.

My mood today has been a little bit irritable and I attribute that to these side effects I'm having.  I had to babysit my nephew today for a few hours and I was short tempered with him several times.  These side effects are keeping me from sleeping and it's driving me nuts.  I do have one good thing to report about today and it's that I followed my diabetic diet on SparkPeople and my sugar was 135 last night before I went to bed.  That's one of the lowest readings I've had since I started monitoring it.

Day 133 "More Reason To Question My Medications"

Last night I wasn't as manic as I was the entire day before and I was able to sleep pretty good.  The only trouble had was that my legs were very restless and I couldn't get comfortable.  I was up and down several times during the night moving from the bed to the chair and back to the bed again.  My nurse practitioner said that I might experience this side effect with Abilify and I will be telling her about it.  I started having this symptom when I went from the 5mg to10mg tablet and it's mostly during the day that I experience it.   Maybe there's a drug that can counter act that symptom that she can prescribe.

Another symptom I've been experiencing is tremors in my left hand.  I had a few when I first started out on the Abilify and then nothing more until I went to the 10mg.  The tremors seem to happen both when I'm stressed and just relaxing.  Other people have noticed it more than me but it concerns me.  I don't want another problem in addition to all the other problems I currently have.  The paralysis I had with the Bell's Palsy over the summer is gone but I still drool  a lot which can be annoying.

Other than all of the above my day went pretty good.  I went to breakfast with my cousin and one of her friends.  I actually had a nice time.  We then went for a car ride later in the day to look at trick-or-treat lights and it was a bust.  We saw like four good houses.  Hopefully the lights will get better as we get closer to Halloween.

Day 132 "Not Sure If My Present Medications Are Right For Me"

Last night I got about six hours of sleep and that's been about what I've been sleeping on average a night.  Today I didn't feel bad but again was hypomanic and hypersexual.  I had this need to get things done yesterday.  I washed clothes, cleaned the kitchen, garaged, and rearranged the living room.  I'm not all that disappointed that I was like this because I was productive and that felt good.  However, I began to notice that I was hypersexual and began cruising the internet looking for sex.  It then hit me that all the cleaning I was doing was what I used to do when I was preparing to have someone over and that's what my goal tonight.

Right now I'm upset with myself and angry that I found nobody at the same time.  I could take somebodies head off I'm so angry right now.  This past week I started taking more Lithium and I know I've only been on it a week but this hypersexual behavior has to stop.  It's dangerous to have sex with total strangers and it's something that happens when I'm manic and hypomanic.  I can't control it and it scares me.  I see my therapist this coming Wednesday and we have some things to talk about.  I need a solution or I'm going to go nuts.  You would think with the amount of medication I take I wouldn't be having as many problems.

Day 131 "Trying To Become More Mindful"

Taken from the website Mindfulnet.org “Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to, and seeing clearly whatever is happening in our lives.  It will not eliminate life's pressures, but it can help us respond to them in a calmer manner that benefits our heart, head, and body.  It helps us recognise and step away from habitual, often unconscious emotional and physiological reactions to everyday events.   It provides us with a scientifically researched approach to cultivating clarity, insight, and understanding.  Practicing mindfulness allows us to be fully present in our life and work, and improve our quality of life.”
Here is a video by clinical mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn breiflyexplaining what mindfulness is.



Yesterday I had a real bad day and got dwelled on everything that was wrong in my life and as a result i was full of anxiety, anger, resentment, depression, and mania.  You name the emotion and I was feeling it.  I recently started taking a weekly class on mindfulness and while I'm not very far in the class I find that letting go of everything and concentrating on one thing at a time helps me to realx and be more calm.  At the beginning of each class we do a meditation and while I have a hard time sometimes following it I am getting better at getting my mind back on track.  My class is for the next twelve weeks and as I learn more I plan on doing a sectionon this site soley dedicated to mindfulness.

Here is a video by clinical mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn leading a short meditation exercise.



I have so much stress and anxiety in my life right now.  Everything that can go wrong seems to have gone wrong.  I feel like I'm at the point of rock bottom right now and I'm hoping that learning how to be more mindful will help me to become a better person.  I want to be more focused, less angry, less judgemental, less resentful of what others have, and lead my life with facts rather than emotions.
                                         

Day 130 "Again, Another Bad Day"

Last night I didn't sleep real well and was up and down all night.  I was very restless and couldn't get get comfortable.  I so wish that I could get stabilized because I'll have a few good days and then a bunch of bad ones.  I so want to work some day but at this rate I don't know how I would be able to handle it.  I've even talked about owning my own business but at this point I don't know if I could be consistent enough to handle the operations.  It all makes me feel like a big piece of garbage and that's what my day has been like.

I don't know where to begin but I can tell you that today I could have easily thrown in the hat and left this world.  The only thing that keeps me from doing harm to myself is my family.  As much as I don't have any support I couldn't take my own life and leave them like that.  Plus I'm supposed to be optimistic and that believe it or not helped me through the day.

Anyway here's a list of what bugged me today to the point of  having thoughts of self harm:

• Every piece of electronic equipment I own is broken and needs fixed.
• My car is broken and I have no way to fix it unless someone helps me and that's not going to happen.
• My Mom constantly rides me about using her car saying I'm putting too much mileage on it even though it was her idea for us to share it.
• My Mom is OCD about EVERYTHING and wanted to babysit the grand kids today but once they were here she was complaining about everything they did.
• My favorite uncle is really sick and I suggested to my cousin that the doctors be questioned again about the safety of his radiation/chemotherapy and she flew off the handle at me and got hysterical. 
• I've been eating non stop all day and have eaten a lot of sugar today which I'm sure has spiked my sugar.
• I have to go for an A1C test in three weeks and I'm scared to death that my number will haven't improved and I'll be put on insulin shots which I totally am not up to doing.
• Today I started my larger dosage of Lithium and I experienced diarrhea this afternoon.
• Today I binged and purged for the first time since I first started taking medication.
• Today I've felt generally worthless and helpless to myself as well as everyone else.

So I just had to get that all off my chest and now I'm going to move on.  Sometimes it feels good to get things out in the open.  I an tell you that it's helped my anxiety which has been really high today.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try and leave all this stuff behind and start over tomorrow.  I hope and pray I can do it!