Day 219 "This Year Is Finally Ending"

Today my mood and anxiety has been mixed.  On one hand I was excited that it's New Year's Eve and I'm able to put one of the toughest years I've ever had behind me.  Then I've had all this anxiety over the fact that we're having another house full of people tonight.  In addition to that I've also been stressing about my future.  I'm worried that I'm going to lose my case for getting disability and that I'm never going to be able to find a job.  I've screwed up so much in my past that nobody is going to want me.  I would be lucky to be able to get a job working at a fast food restaurant.  I wouldn't hire me.  So you can see today has been mixed bag of emotions for me.

Besides myself having a bad 2013 my Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car accident.  My Mom broke her pelvis and is slowly recovering getting around with a walker.  My sister broke her ribs, all the tendons in her hand, and has injured her knees.  Everyone else was able to walk away injury free but they all have suffered emotional trauma as a result.  They all still have nightmares and think about the accident a lot. 

Right after the car accident my uncle was diagnosed with stage four Esophageal Cancer.  His Oncologist said that the tumor would eventually win.  He's on his second round of Chemotherapy.  The first round was done along with Radiation with the goal being that he would be able to swallow easier.  The first round was successful in what it was supposed to do but a second CT Scan showed that he now has cancerous lesions on his liver.  The goal of this new round of Chemotherapy is to slow the progression of the lesions on the liver.  As of today he looks pretty good for an eighty-two year old man and hasn't had any major side effects from the chemotherapy.

A lot has happened in 2013 to my myself and my family.  I have a lot of stuff going through my mind at all times and it's very hard to function some days.  I don't get a whole lot of time to myself and that is something I so desperately desire.  I think it would make my bipolar easier to manage but I'm doing the best I can.  So I'm quietly saying goodbye to 2013 and optimistically looking forward to 2014.

Click picture to enlarge.