Day 166 "Update On Me And Blog"

Well, since going to only posting three days a week I haven’t had too much to say about myself. At first I thought this was a good thing thinking that maybe I was stabilizing but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bad thing. It’s me heading in to a mixed episode.  
I’ll start out with my Uncle who has esophageal cancer. He hasn’t been able to swallow anything and when he tries to swallow he ends up throwing up because he says it feels like his esophagus is filling up. In any event, he’s become very weak because of lack of nutrition and fell in the shower last week. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted. His heart rate was extremely high and he had to see a cardiologist who was able to reduce it with medications. He was supposed to have his last two radiation and chemotherapy treatments this week but they were postponed until his heart is totally stable. The bottom line is that he has to eat or his organs are going to stop functioning properly. His oncologist wants him to have a feeding tube put in but my uncle refuses and says when it’s his time to go that will be it.

As a result, I have been doing a lot of running the last week and while it doesn’t bother me I’m extremely tired and not eating right myself. I’ve also been very irritable, sleeping a lot, and figuring ways up in my head how to get out of all this running. This week, I’ve ran my aunt back and forth to the hospital everyday and sat with her, taken my cousin back and forth to work a couple of times, picked up my nephew from school twice, and picked up my Mom from my sister’s house after dropping my aunt off the other night. I’m not trying to complain and love all of my family a lot but the medication I’m on makes it hard for me to function positively for long periods of time. I also get tired a lot easier and need more sleep now. I have found myself feeling angry and resentful at times and then at times I feel a lot of compassion and love. It’s just a much bigger struggle for me to balance everything now than it was a few years ago. I’m not saying I can’t or don’t want to help but I sure am learning my limitations.

From here on out I’m going to go back to posting something everyday. I thought I could make the blog less boring and more interesting if I cut down on the number of posts and wrote more about subjects rather than myself. Well, I’m the subject of this blog and this is my space to talk about my ups and downs and me. Some days may seem boring but that’s life and I need to focus and write about mine.