Day 137 "How I Feel About My Bipolar Disorder"

I was recently asked if I’m open about my bipolar disorder or do I just mask it.  Here’s what my friend had to say about his disorder.

“I will be honest. I am ashamed of my bipolar label.  Just the other day I was at the grocery store and one of the workers called an angry customer "Bipolar".  People don't even know what that means.  To some it even means I'm an axe murderer.  I avoid the label at all costs.  I collect social security disability, but I don't want people to know about it.  To the world I'm just a regular guy in between jobs.  I never tell people I'm Bipolar.  I feel such shame with the label.   To make matters worse my friends and family that know my label have spread the word.  I notice that people that know don't bother to talk to me the same way.”

Me, I don't tell anyone about being Bipolar unless I've been friends with them for years so for me it's on a need to know basis.  People are afraid of people with bipolar disorder and for good reason; it carries a negative connotation with it.  Every time there is a mass shooting it's a person with a mental illness and usually its bipolar disorder.

Even Dr's treat you differently when you tell them you’re bipolar.  You'll notice that when you have a medical issue it will be blamed on your meds first and next it will be your disease.  It's in your head either way which is a shame.  I don't even tell my Dr's unless they need to know.  I educate myself but have stopped trying to educate others.  From my experience with others, it's a seeing is believing society that we live in and you have to experience it first hand to believe it.

When I was working my last full time job I did have, what I thought was, a good friend who I opened up to and told him I was bipolar.  However, his first words were "Are you on medication?”   He has become distant since.  I know it is due to all the negative press about people with bipolar disorder. So, I learned that it's best to not discuss it at work and tried very hard to stay as positive as possible which we all know is impossible some days.  There were days I wanted to tell my boss "Look, I’m having a manic episode, SO LEAVE ME ALONE YOU WITCH!!”  Instead I just got to a point where I couldn’t function anymore and walked out.

Everyday I dream about of a life of seclusion where my bipolar will be under control!  I dream of owning a little house in the country with a fireplace and lots of trees.  I long for that day when I can wake up and feel free and just enjoy the day.  However, until that day I'm going to learn to be more mindful and live in the moment.