Day 7 "Emotions Are All Over The Place"

I had a hard time falling asleep last night again and cried for a good 45 minutes when I first went to bed.  I’m depressed but I think that I’ve been manic so long that this is the first time in many years where I’ve had a non manic kind of mindset and it’s scary to me.  Before, being on Lithium I would fluctuate back and forth between mania and depression and I was manic so much of the time that I really didn’t think about consequences or about the future.  I kind of lived in the moment but it was for the wrong reasons.  I haven’t been this emotional in a very long time.  Today has been a little bit better in terms of feeling depressed.  It was my Aunt’s 80^th birthday and me and my cousin went over to celebrate with her and my Uncle.  I got talking about with them about everything that’s going on with me and for the first time in my life I was able to explain what it feels like for me to be Bipolar which I didn’t fully understand until I started taking Lithium and the mania has stopped.  I would say that I’m somewhat manic right now but it’s mostly because I know I have a long road ahead of me to get my life together and get myself in a position so that I will be able to take care of myself on my own.  I basically have to right a bunch of wrongs so to speak.  Up to this point most all of my family has been very skeptical about the treatment I’m going through.  Nobody has really ever wanted to talk about it which has made me doubt myself so many times.  Well, today both my Aunt and Uncle told me that they were proud of me for trying to get this under control and that anytime I need to talk or if I need to get away or if I just need help that they would be there for me and all I have to do is ask.  Well, I’m sitting here blubbering because I don’t even know why.  Anyway, my diet today was so so.  I ate alright then tonight I just wanted something decadent so I ate this Hagen Daz vanilla ice cream with big chunks of caramel in it.  I ate the whole thing and there was more fat in this little container than I usually consume in two days.  However, I didn’t binge and purge which is a good thing.  Tomorrow is my first blood draw to see where what my Lithium levels are and I’m anxious to see how it turns out.  Well, today has been a little better with my depression and from here on out I’m going to try my hardest to take one day at a time.