Day 27 "Shift From Hypomania to Dpression"

Well, I didn’t sleep last night because I got working on those slides and I was in a frenzy to get them done.  My brain stopped being depressed and I just went to town.  There was no rush to get them done but since my brain was in hypomanic mode I was like let’s do this.  Anyway, I have to take my seven year old nephew to his swim lesson this morning because my sister and her husband are going to help his grandparents out today.  The swim lesson didn’t go too bad because I just messed around on my phone the entire time.   When we got home I drank a bunch of water and tried to lie down but kept getting interrupted because my sister’s kids were making so much noise. 

My mood shifted from that hypomania to being depressed and that’s where I stayed the rest of the day.  I didn’t have any crazy outbursts or want to kill myself but I got thinking about my future and wondered what I’m doing all this for.  Sometimes I feel like getting this treatment is all for nothing.  I know that I should be looking at it all different but I’ve had a hard time today.  I just want to survive on my own and be stable.  I signed up for Disability this past week and there have been a couple of moments where I’ve felt ok and thought to myself that maybe doing that was wrong.  Then I have days like today where I’m negative, have no hope for my future, have a lot of anxiety, can’t concentrate and have this feeling of emptiness that I can’t shake. 

This is when I realize that I do have a problem and what I’m doing is the right thing.  I’m not trying to make a big deal about anything but on the other hand this is a big deal to me and I’m not dealing with it all as well as I thought would be.  I don’t want my families pity but it sure would be nice if they could try and understand what I’m facing and going through.  With that said, the biggest thing would be if they could respect me being on a schedule.  Not one sole in my family understands that if I don’t get a certain amount of sleep that it sends me into mania.  They think its ok for me to go to bed at 2 am and then be up ready to go at 8am because God forbid we waste the day.  If I try to explain myself they tell me that it’s ok and that they’ll just have to do whatever by myself.  I’m trying to teach myself to say NO and it’s one of the hardest things to master and it also depends on who you tell it too.  Anyway, it’s 2am in the morning and I’m going to get off here and hopefully tomorrow will be better.  It’s the first day of the first full week of summer.