Day 28 "Good Intentions That Went Bad"

I didn’t sleep again very well last night but I did get into bed around 3am which is great for me.  I went for a walk this morning that took about 45 minutes thinking I would feel better and it did nothing for my morning.  Today my body ached really a lot and I had a lot of anxiety.  It’s been the worst I’ve had since starting on medication. 

The afternoon got a little worse because I became irritable.  Everybody I encountered could go to hell, die in a fire, get killed in an explosion for all I cared.  There were just so many people that pissed me off and I wished horrible things on them.  I must have wished a dozen people dead.  There was a guy who passed me on a double yellow line and I hoped that I would drive over the hill and see his car in a pole. 

Like I’ve said before everyone thinks it’s funny when I get like that but that just makes me more upset and angry.  Jut typing that has made me start to cry which I ended up doing all evening along with being a little uneasy on my feet.  Today was an off day for me and sure hope tomorrow is better.  My bipolar effects me at any given time and I can’t control it.  In a perfect world I could live by myself in a nice quiet atmosphere and wouldn’t have to depend on others to support me.  I’m not saying that I want to be a hermit but I do function and feel so much better when I’m by myself which at this point I never see happening. 

I’m 41 years old now and haven’t worked for going on three years and every job I apply for is lower grade work than I did before.  My therapist said that I may want to consider applying for disability so that I can get this nasty evil illness under control.  Sometimes I will have a good afternoon or night and think to myself that maybe I’m just being lazy and then something will set me off and then it clicks in my head that I got a serious problem that I need to take care. 

I’m still in shock from being on that constant roller coaster ride I’ve been on for as long as I can remember.  I was on it for so long that my brain is having a real hard time adjusting to not being on it and the illness still sucks me in a lot.  I would just have to say that my mania has calmed down a lot.  I still think about sex a lot some days and even look at a lot of porn but I haven’t placed any ads looking for sex with strangers and then staying up for days waiting and constantly looking.  Anyway, my emotions and thought are all over the place today and I need to get off here.  I didn’t binge or purge today!  It’s a little after 2 in the morning and I’m going to bed.