Day 12 "Thinking About The Disability Application Process"

I had an average night of sleep.  I took my Klonopin and laid in bed for around 2-3 hours before I finally fell asleep.  I did sleep ok once it worked.  Today was a pretty average day and nothing too eventful happened.  I napped for in the afternoon because I was so tired and then spent a bunch of hours on Idea Circle reading and responding to posts.  I put a post on there the other day about a site I found to help with the disability process and someone suggested that I make sure to name a representative payee to handle my benefits if I’m approved.  I had never heard of that before so of course I started doing some digging and found out that the SSA can require you to have a representative payee and that person gets your money, pays your bills, pays for your clothes, and any other necessities you may need.  I stated to my counselor that I’ve had some money issues in the past and that I’ve bought pot as well.  So according to all I read I’m going to probably be required to have someone named as a representative payee.  This really pisses me off and makes me just want to drop the whole thing.  I have been up front about everything that I’ve gone through and putting together checklists and trackers for myself to stay consistent with my treatment all because I want to be able to live on my own and take care of myself on my own.  I don’t want anyone in my business at all.  Yes, I have made some mistakes and yes I may need some help but I would like to come out of this at some point on my own.  I might have a mood disorder that causes me to have both manic and depressive states at the same time and it effects me working full time because that seems to be a trigger but I feel wholeheartedly that I can manage my finances.  My bills are pretty bad right now but that’s because I haven’t had a full time job in over two years.   I figured that there would be some sort of surprise along the way in this whole disability thing and I got it.  I’m going to have to think long and hard about even applying.  I feel like my independence is gone now and if I have to ask for an allowance to get some new clothes at Wal-Mart at age 42 or 43 that’s going to make me feel even worse.  I’m done typing for now….goodnight!