Day 30 "Today I Was A Little Hypomanic"

I fell asleep around 5am this morning and I could tell because it was light out.  Anyway I got up at 10 this morning and took my AM pills then and decided to bump my PM pills to 8pm instead of 6pm.  I have a theory that I not being an early morning type of person could have something to do with the way I’ve been sleeping.  Anyway, I’ve been up since 10am and haven’t napped today which is the first time in weeks that I haven’t. 

I have been anxious all day having racing thoughts about how I’m going to ever be able to survive the rest of my life. I’ve also been thinking a lot about wanting to go back to work but knowing that I can’t for a while and if I get the chance to again who will ever hire me.  I started out in a very low state this morning when I first got up.  I felt very weak and wasn’t motivated and just felt really down. 

After lunch I still felt the same but I felt a little more motivated to make some phone calls and do some things I needed to do.  At the same time, I was feeling a little hypomanic and was irritable, didn’t need to sleep, and felt a little more self confidence in myself because of the phone calls I had made and things I had accomplished.  So the only bad part about the hypomania was the anger and irritability.  I can sometimes strike like a snake with no notice. 

Anyway, this evening I felt the best that I’ve felt in days.  I still felt really weak and still had racing thoughts about my future and a little depression but I didn’t feel like death.  I really never understood how bad my bipolar was till the mania stopped.  Tomorrow is my appointment with my psychiatrist and I’m going to ask her about her thoughts on keeping me on the Klonopin for a while longer or indefinitely, maybe trying a different benzo all together, my Lithium level, and possibly something for sleep.