Day 6 "So Much Going On In My Head"

I went to bed at around 1130pm last night and fell asleep after about an hour.  I woke up several times during the night and as soon as it was light out I again woke.  After I fell back asleep this morning I slept until 1130am.  I need to get myself on a regular schedule so that I can make sure I’m taking my pills at the same time every day.  Today was another day of depression for me.  I have cried every day this week and today was no exception.  I’ve also had two instances where I thought about suicide which is something that I don’t normally do.  I’ve thought about death a lot but I’ve never had the thought to actually do it.  I feel ok in respects to that right now and am not having any thoughts like that.  I asked God to help me because I want to live.  I have so much that I want to experience out of life.  I just am feeling like a zombie and feel like there is no hope for my future.  My Mom is getting a little better about talking to me about all this but I know that it makes her uncomfortable and I tried to talk about it with my cousin and she listens but I feel like she really isn’t that interested.  I’m supposed to go for a blood draw on Monday morning to see how this Lithium is working in my system and then I’m going to call the nurse and talk to her.  I read that that people who suffer from bulimia might not benefit from Lithium as it may become toxic to them.  Well, I’m bulimic and the last week has been pretty bad.  I’ve binged and purged 5 of the last seven days.  I just want to be safe and get better.  Well, I’m going to get off here and go look at some cars on ebay, it’s the only thing that seems to calm me down at all.