Day 14 "Worried About My Future"

Today was an alright day overall.  I had a hard time sleeping and ended up until almost 6 in the morning so I just took my Lithium and went back to bed.  I got up in the early afternoon and was pretty tired so I had to lay back down and I slept till 6 when it was time for my next dose of Lithium.  I had a mental explosion at my Mom in the middle of the night last night.  She had the tv on and was playing on her computer at 3 in the morning and I know I don’t have any right to say anything to her but I just need some private time to myself and she is always up.  She’s like this mad woman that never sleeps.  Anyway, she went to bed mad and I of course felt like the biggest jerk of all time.  We have a living room and family room and the family room is where my sleeping quarters are located and that’s where everyone congregates.  She says that this is my house  but every time I suggest that maybe she let me have the family room as a hideaway and she can have the living room as her hideaway she gets really angry.  I’m not saying that she has to give up control only that it would be nice if Io could have a private place to myself that isn’t my bedroom or the basement.  Anyway we got along better today but I know I’ve hurt her feelings.  I just want to have a good relationship with her but it’s hard.  I’m really hurting right now both emotionally and financially and she’s acting like she’s supportive of what I’m doing but I know she doesn’t trust anyone and thinks I’m making a huge mistake.  I say, how many more mistakes do I have to make until I should get help.  The financial thing is the thing that kind of bothers me the most but it also makes me feel weird.  I’ve been really stressed that I won’t be able to find a job or have enough money to retire on and she keeps telling me that I have an aunt and uncle who really love me and that things may change for me.  She’s insinuating that I’m going to be left something and while I’ll admit that it would be a nice thing.  I want to stand on my own two feet and make my own way.  I have made so many mistakes over the years and my parents seemed to enable me rather than nip the problems in the butt and I want to change that.  Everything I’m doing is so that I can have an independent life and not have to depend on anyone for anything.  I’m babbling now so it’s time to say goodnight or maybe I should say good morning.  Oh, Happy Birthday to myself!