Day 35 "Tonight I Start Larger Dose Of Seroquel"

Last night I went to bed at 1am and slept till 11am this morning.  I slept pretty sound which was a good thing.  Tonight I start the 300mg XR Seroquel.  I’m sure it’s going to hit me like a freight train and that I’m not looking forward to.  It’s like being drunk but worse.  I’ve smoked marijuana before and have NEVER felt like I do when I take these prescribed drugs.  However, I will give it some time to see how I actually feel in a month or two. 

I just don’t like all the side effects these medications have.  It’s enough to make someone who doesn’t have anxiety develop it.  Anyway, today I spent most of my time in bed.  I can’t seem to stand for long periods of time because I get uneasy on my feet and if I sit for long periods of time I get Charlie horses (cramping) in my toes, feet, legs, and hips.  I can’t say that I was majorly depressed today but a lot of that was probably due to the amount of medications I now take. 

Day 34 "Had a Good Hypomanic Night"

I didn’t sleep at all last night and was up the entire night working on paperwork for the DDA for my disability claim.  I just couldn’t stop and finally finished and had the required paperwork back in the mail at a little after 11am.  I had taken a Seroquel on Friday night and I never felt it at all.  I just knew I wanted to get the paperwork done and I did. 

I then took a three hour nap and then went to a family member's birthday party.  I was really tired, irritable, and angry with everyone.  I don’t like being around people and when I 'm in that kind of mood because it just give me the creeps.  I don’t know what to say to anyone and I always feel like everyone is watching me.  It all makes my skin crawl.  Anyway, I came home took my Seroquel and was out in about two hours.

Day 33 "Mildly Depressed Today"

Toda was an ok day.  I was just mildly depressed all day and kind of in a blah kind of mood.  The tiredness I first had when I took the Seroquel has decreased.  However, on Sunday night I jump to 300mg and I bet it’s going to hit me like a freight train.  All of these drugs I feel are just sedating me in to this whole other person that I don’t know.  Maybe I was out of control and had lots of mood swings but I wish I could feel like that same person just minus the anger and mood swings.  Before I was on a roller coaster going nonstop and now I’m like a zombie.

Day 32 "Today I Was Like a Zombie"

I felt the Seroquel about 3.5 hours after taking it last night and I had to go to bed.  I did notice that I craved food and I did eat a little before going to bed.  Tonight I’m just going to bed and that’s it.   I was successful today in tracking my food intake and sort of keeping on my diet.  The next step for me is to consume more vegetables. 

Today I got out of bed but all I did was sit in a chair where I was in and out of it all day.  It was another day of being somewhat low but most of my symptoms of being low today were because I was just so groggy all day.  My cousin came over this evening and we went on a ride and for the first time in a long time I kind of enjoyed myself.  So I would have to say that I had a stable evening tonight and it felt good.  Tomorrow is another day and I’m going to just go with the flow and see what happens. 

Day 31 "First Day On Seroquel"

Today started out about the same as yesterday.  I was depressed but had some anger and was a little irritable.  I went to see my psychiatrist and she upped my Klonopins to 3mg a day, left my Lithium alone, and started me on Seroquel XR 150mg that will go to 300 mg after four days. 

 
She said the Seroquel works well with the Lithium and that I needed the upped dose of Klonopin for anxiety.   However, she did say that if I felt I didn’t need that much Klonopin I could skip a dose or just take half.  I think I’m going to try and add just .5 more mg at first and see how I do on that for a few weeks.  Sometimes less is more and I will just have to wait and see. 

So I took the Seroquel about an hour ago and I’m starting to feel a little bit different.  I would imagine in the next hour or so I will be tired enough for bed.  I’m getting back on track with my diet tomorrow and going to walk with my sister in the morning.  I’m going to try and not gain weight on the Seroquel and I already know I can do well on my diet so it’s going to be a challenge but I want to get this under control period the end and have to do whatever.

Day 30 "Today I Was A Little Hypomanic"

I fell asleep around 5am this morning and I could tell because it was light out.  Anyway I got up at 10 this morning and took my AM pills then and decided to bump my PM pills to 8pm instead of 6pm.  I have a theory that I not being an early morning type of person could have something to do with the way I’ve been sleeping.  Anyway, I’ve been up since 10am and haven’t napped today which is the first time in weeks that I haven’t. 

I have been anxious all day having racing thoughts about how I’m going to ever be able to survive the rest of my life. I’ve also been thinking a lot about wanting to go back to work but knowing that I can’t for a while and if I get the chance to again who will ever hire me.  I started out in a very low state this morning when I first got up.  I felt very weak and wasn’t motivated and just felt really down. 

After lunch I still felt the same but I felt a little more motivated to make some phone calls and do some things I needed to do.  At the same time, I was feeling a little hypomanic and was irritable, didn’t need to sleep, and felt a little more self confidence in myself because of the phone calls I had made and things I had accomplished.  So the only bad part about the hypomania was the anger and irritability.  I can sometimes strike like a snake with no notice. 

Anyway, this evening I felt the best that I’ve felt in days.  I still felt really weak and still had racing thoughts about my future and a little depression but I didn’t feel like death.  I really never understood how bad my bipolar was till the mania stopped.  Tomorrow is my appointment with my psychiatrist and I’m going to ask her about her thoughts on keeping me on the Klonopin for a while longer or indefinitely, maybe trying a different benzo all together, my Lithium level, and possibly something for sleep.

Day 29 "Wet The Bed This Morning"

I woke up at 745 this morning to a wet bed.  I have only wet the bed one time since I was fifteen years old and that was when I had pneumonia in 1995 which was horrible.  I took the sheet of f the bed and got a large tell to sop up the wet spot.  I then took my morning pills with a glass of milk and went back to bed.  I woke up several times during the day but couldn’t get out of bed nor did I want to. 

I had dreams about my first job at K*B Toys and when my store was closing.  In the dream my boss   showed up and took control of the situation, fired a couple of people, and we worked on getting the store ready for closing.  It wasn’t a bad dream at all but was very vivid and real.  It was just the total opposite of the way things happened in real life. 

 Anyway, when I decided I could get out of bed I put my glasses on and it was after 6pm.  I got up and my Mom was just getting home from going to the grocery store.  We went and had some dinner and again like yesterday I feel a little off today.  I ache all over and I’m depressed.  It’s tiresome for me to be typing right now but I need to be able to recall my symptoms when I see my psychiatrist this week. 

I think it’s nice that my severe mania has stopped but I still have a lot of anxiety, depression, and some hypomania and it all happens at the same time.  I’ve done some reading and there are some people that say that Lithium is not the best course of action for Bipolar mixed episodes.  Anyway, I’m really tired and aching all over and need to get off here now.

Day 28 "Good Intentions That Went Bad"

I didn’t sleep again very well last night but I did get into bed around 3am which is great for me.  I went for a walk this morning that took about 45 minutes thinking I would feel better and it did nothing for my morning.  Today my body ached really a lot and I had a lot of anxiety.  It’s been the worst I’ve had since starting on medication. 

The afternoon got a little worse because I became irritable.  Everybody I encountered could go to hell, die in a fire, get killed in an explosion for all I cared.  There were just so many people that pissed me off and I wished horrible things on them.  I must have wished a dozen people dead.  There was a guy who passed me on a double yellow line and I hoped that I would drive over the hill and see his car in a pole. 

Like I’ve said before everyone thinks it’s funny when I get like that but that just makes me more upset and angry.  Jut typing that has made me start to cry which I ended up doing all evening along with being a little uneasy on my feet.  Today was an off day for me and sure hope tomorrow is better.  My bipolar effects me at any given time and I can’t control it.  In a perfect world I could live by myself in a nice quiet atmosphere and wouldn’t have to depend on others to support me.  I’m not saying that I want to be a hermit but I do function and feel so much better when I’m by myself which at this point I never see happening. 

I’m 41 years old now and haven’t worked for going on three years and every job I apply for is lower grade work than I did before.  My therapist said that I may want to consider applying for disability so that I can get this nasty evil illness under control.  Sometimes I will have a good afternoon or night and think to myself that maybe I’m just being lazy and then something will set me off and then it clicks in my head that I got a serious problem that I need to take care. 

I’m still in shock from being on that constant roller coaster ride I’ve been on for as long as I can remember.  I was on it for so long that my brain is having a real hard time adjusting to not being on it and the illness still sucks me in a lot.  I would just have to say that my mania has calmed down a lot.  I still think about sex a lot some days and even look at a lot of porn but I haven’t placed any ads looking for sex with strangers and then staying up for days waiting and constantly looking.  Anyway, my emotions and thought are all over the place today and I need to get off here.  I didn’t binge or purge today!  It’s a little after 2 in the morning and I’m going to bed.

Day 27 "Shift From Hypomania to Dpression"

Well, I didn’t sleep last night because I got working on those slides and I was in a frenzy to get them done.  My brain stopped being depressed and I just went to town.  There was no rush to get them done but since my brain was in hypomanic mode I was like let’s do this.  Anyway, I have to take my seven year old nephew to his swim lesson this morning because my sister and her husband are going to help his grandparents out today.  The swim lesson didn’t go too bad because I just messed around on my phone the entire time.   When we got home I drank a bunch of water and tried to lie down but kept getting interrupted because my sister’s kids were making so much noise. 

My mood shifted from that hypomania to being depressed and that’s where I stayed the rest of the day.  I didn’t have any crazy outbursts or want to kill myself but I got thinking about my future and wondered what I’m doing all this for.  Sometimes I feel like getting this treatment is all for nothing.  I know that I should be looking at it all different but I’ve had a hard time today.  I just want to survive on my own and be stable.  I signed up for Disability this past week and there have been a couple of moments where I’ve felt ok and thought to myself that maybe doing that was wrong.  Then I have days like today where I’m negative, have no hope for my future, have a lot of anxiety, can’t concentrate and have this feeling of emptiness that I can’t shake. 

This is when I realize that I do have a problem and what I’m doing is the right thing.  I’m not trying to make a big deal about anything but on the other hand this is a big deal to me and I’m not dealing with it all as well as I thought would be.  I don’t want my families pity but it sure would be nice if they could try and understand what I’m facing and going through.  With that said, the biggest thing would be if they could respect me being on a schedule.  Not one sole in my family understands that if I don’t get a certain amount of sleep that it sends me into mania.  They think its ok for me to go to bed at 2 am and then be up ready to go at 8am because God forbid we waste the day.  If I try to explain myself they tell me that it’s ok and that they’ll just have to do whatever by myself.  I’m trying to teach myself to say NO and it’s one of the hardest things to master and it also depends on who you tell it too.  Anyway, it’s 2am in the morning and I’m going to get off here and hopefully tomorrow will be better.  It’s the first day of the first full week of summer.   

Day 26 "Hypomania Again"

I went outside at about 1230 am and I took my laptop out and looked at porno for about 2 hours.  I had been hypersexual all day yesterday so I guess it makes sense.  Anyway, I woke up at 8am, came in, took my pills, ate something and went back to bed.  I was up and down a number of times but didn’t get up until 545pm.  I just had no energy to do anything and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

I went to eat with my Mom and I hate crowds.  It makes my skin crawl to be around a bunch of people.  I then spotted someone I knew that I didn’t want to talk to and it made my anxiety worse.  Thank god I never had to talk to them.  My level of depression was really high again today but I wasn’t hypersexual. 

 When we got back from eating out I started (915pm) working on converting my uncle's 35mm slides over to the computer and there was roughly 650 slides to convert and my scanner can only do 4 at a time.  It’s now 10am on Saturday and I just finished doing the slides.  It ended up that there were 642.

Day 25 "Mixed State KInd Of Day"

Well, I woke up at 345am and was never able to get back to sleep.  I just laid there and tried to fall asleep but nothing.  I had racing thought about all kinds of things, but mostly sex. Today has been a mixed day of emotions for me.  There is no reason for any of it other than that’s how I feel.  The biggest thing for me today besides being hypersexual is depression.  I have felt down all day and feel like I’m a worthless piece of garbage but yet I keep thinking about sex.  I just feel like I’m jumping through hurdles for what. 

I took my Mom over to my sister’s house today so that she could watch the kids while my sister put a swing set together.  I stayed in the house for most of it and tried to fix my sister's computer that her son keeps messing up.  I was just so angry and depressed the whole time.  When it came time for us to have to leave at 6 my sister didn’t get it that I had to get home and take my pills.  She basically wanted us to stay and got kind of annoyed that we were leaving.  

As it was we didn’t get home till almost 8pm and I have tried to take my pills at the same time every day.  I just wish people could respect what I got going on in my life.  I don’t want any pity nor do I want any handouts.  I just want to be respected.  I put my tent up a few days ago and I’m going to camp out tonight by myself.  Maybe it will make me feel better.

Day24 "Application For SSDI DONE"

I didn’t get to bed again last night till late and then had to get up and go to Social Security Office this morning.  I talked to Mr. Baker and he said my claim was all good and all I had to do was wait for a decision and that I may also have to go for a psych evaluation with one of their doctors.   I got into to see him about 910am and was out of there about 935am.  He also got me to apply for SSI as well which I kind of don’t understand why but I went with it.   My overall mood was better today but I still didn’t have very much energy and spent the entire afternoon in bed. 

Day 23 "Another Night Of Hypomania"

I didn’t fall asleep until late last night and I looked at porn for two hours last night before I fell asleep.  I wasn’t as manic as I was a month ago but definitely hypomanic.  I finally got out of bed around 430pm today but did get up twice to use the bathroom.  My mood was low this evening and I have been kind of depressed since getting up.  I just want to get this bipolar under control.  Everybody keeps telling me to be patient and my family thinks I’m nuts.  I’m going to keep going with the flow, one day at a time.  I just feel a lot like there’s no hope for me and it’s hard to change that feeling. 

I got my SSDI stuff all together and I’m going to office tomorrow to make sure I’m on the right track in getting everything together.  I kind of feel like that’s a waste of my time too and that there’s no hope.  I have only told Mom and my cousin and I think they both think that I’m trying to get a free ride.  I just really don’t have anyone to talk to about any of it and I’m just plain scared about everything.  I just want to be normal and be able to support myself.  I know I say that all the time but it’s just how I feel. 

Ok, I’m starting to get a little weepy so it’s time for me to stop now.  I didn’t binge or purge again today and that is a good thing.  I sure would love to have a cup of coffee.  It’s like the one thing I really enjoy and I can’t have it because of the caffeine and I hate decaf.  I mowed the yard tonight with the tractor and the vibration of the mower made my body ache.  I stopped twice for a break and I just wish there was somebody else to take care of mowing.  I used to enjoy it a lot but now I would rather not.

Day 22 "Low Mood Kind Of Day"

Last night I got to sleep really late again, it was after 4 that I went to bed.  I fell asleep in bout an hour I was say.  The last time I looked at the clock it was just before 5.  I slept until 230pm but did manage to get up at 8 and take my pills.  The cell phone has been a life saver for me concerning taking my pills on time and not forgetting.  I drank a lot of water today (14glasses) and did not binge or purge.  I had a huge appetite today and of course we had to eat out because that’s all my Mom ever wants to do.  I’ve kind of given up on my diet and I’ve gained about 12 pounds in the last two weeks.  My mood was low all day today and I tried working in the yard for a few minutes today but I just couldn’t.  The neighbor was outside and she always wants to chat and I just don’t.   It totally makes me get a ton of anxiety and I just want to go off so I went in the house and went back in to my room till dinner.  It was an overall blah kind of day.  I hope tomorrow is better.

Day 21 "Somewhat Hypersexual Today"

Last night I again couldn’t fall asleep and watched the clock half the night despite taking Klonopin before going to bed.  When I did finally fall asleep I slept for close to ten hours and I didn’t want to get up but I did and felt ok.  I took all my pills as scheduled today, drank a lot of water, and did not binge or purge.   My energy level today has been normal all day for the first time in a long time.  My appetite as usual has been big.  I want to eat everything and need to remind myself that I did manage to lose 30 pounds…well now its 20 because I gained back 10 since I’ve been on medications.  I would say half is due to the meds and the other half is me.  I wasn’t as hypersexual today as I was yesterday but still thought about sex a lot today and did look at some porn. 

However, I still get really angry and have a complete hatred for everybody.  I’m completely bothered by what others do and it just stresses me out to know end.   I drove my Mom to eat today and on a little ride and I was irritable about everything around me.   I usually have some sort of outburst that everyone thinks is funny and it almost make me cry because they just don’t understand that I can’t help it.  I just want it to stop.  I’m still having anxiety when I’m in the car and have fears about crazy stuff happening.  The Klonopin has helped with some of my anxiety but I have a bunch more it hasn’t touched yet.  It really doesn’t do a whole lot for my sleep either.  I would like to see if we could up both the doses a little and maybe put it to three times a day for the anxiety and then maybe she could add something for sleep that.  I see her in a week and we’ll see what she says. Other than a little dizziness and being unsteady on my feet the Lithium seems to be doing ok and I don’t hate it and am not crying like I was the first few weeks.

Day 20 "Angry Today"

Last night I had another night where I couldn’t sleep and was up and down during the night.  I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts today.  I did not binge or purge today.  My energy when I got up was low and leveled out during the day but I tried working  in the yard at my cousins and I just couldn’t.  I had to quit and sit down.  I even tried waiting til the sun was down but it made me feel like crap. 

I ate with my Lithium tonight but felt a little sick to my stomach and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I slept in the chair and ended up with a sore back and neck.  When I went to get up my balance was off a little too.  I’ve noticed on several occasions that my balance has been off since I started taking Lithium. 

I was particularly angry today.  I mean I always say that I hate all people, and that they all need to "die in a fire" but here are just some people that I see and I will say the most nasty things about.   These outbursts come from nowhere sometimes.  I can be in a great mood and it can be a person's expression, something on television, a noise, or just about anything.  As I’m getting older it’s getting worse and the more upset it makes me.  My heart races and I get racing thoughts right now of hateful thoughts.  The part that makes me so upset is that my family laughs and thinks it's the funniest thing when I have these outbursts.

Day 19 "Had A Hypomanic Night"

Last night I tried going to sleep at a normal time but it didn’t happen.  I thought the Klonopin was supposed to kind of knock me out.  I think it eases my anxiety somewhat but I’m still kind of on edge.  So it does do a little for the anxiety but it really doesn’t make me drowsy.  I didn’t fall asleep till after 3am. 

Today I felt a little like my old self.  I’ve been taking the Lithium as prescribed but today I was very hypersexual and ended up looking at porn half the night.  I have the attention span of a turtle when I get like that, it’s really weird.  So today I’ve been a little depressed, had some anxiety ,and have had some hypomania.  Can you say mixed episode?  Why can’t it be one or the other.  Why does it have to be both?  I just have to stay focused and keep on my treatment.  Everything is going to work out I hope. 

I did manage to get a doctors appointment on July 16^th at the hospital clinic to get my thyroid and sugar addressed.  I sure hope  that everything is ok and that I’m going to be ok.  I have a long road ahead of me but I just am trying to focus on the end result of being in control of this illness and getting to enjoy life a little.

Day 18 "Had A Rapid Change In Mood"

Last night my sleep was restless.  I got up and got on the computer for a little while to relax but it wasn’t happening.  I even sat outside for a spell and while it was nice I still had a hard time falling asleep.  Once I did fall asleep I had some pretty crazy dreams.  I dreamed that I lost control of my car on 77 going around a turn in the winter and drove off the road and ended up on someone’s property.  In the dream once it was daylight the weather was warm.  Anyway I was able to drive the car away but the people that owned the property said they wouldn’t call the cops if we came back and cleaned the red paint that was all over their windows.  

My brother, who I don't see very often put a ceiling fan up that I bought over four years ago.  I did have a little meltdown because I didn’t have the right size bulb and looked in the manual and went to wally world and bought what the manual said and it was wrong as well.  I was so angry that I wanted to smash something.  My mood changed so quickly and I couldn’t control it for a minute.  That used to happen to me at work all the time when changes would occur. 

I started filling out my SSDI application out online and theres a lot too it.  I think I will be going to Social Security next week with required documents and to go over what I’ve submitted.  Anyway, I’m done for the night and going to go look at some cars on ebay…lol  I’ve done that just about everyday even when Im really hypersexual and want sex.  Goodnight!

Day 17 "Here’s To Taking My Life Back"

I didn’t sleep real well last night and was up kinda late.  I got up around 3 this afternoon.  I had to go with my sister to take her daughter to the ER because she swallowed one of my Mom’s pills that she takes for diabetes.  Lauren was ok!  I did get an appointment with a doctor today to look me over which is a good feeling.   I’m on my way to making positive changes in my life.  Here’s to taking my life back…hooray!

Day 16 "Stressing Out"

Had a not so good night of sleep .  Stressed a lot about my visit with my therapist.  It however went well and I’m going to start the disability process on my own.  I also need to get in with a doctor ASAP to get my thyroid and glucose straightened out.  I also need to be taking my Klonopin in the morning with my Lithium. 

Day 15 "Happy birthday To Me"

Overall good day…had a nice birthday.  All I thought about was a my visit with my therapist on Tuesday.  No binging or purging today for a change.   It was just a nice quiet day without distractions.

Day 14 "Worried About My Future"

Today was an alright day overall.  I had a hard time sleeping and ended up until almost 6 in the morning so I just took my Lithium and went back to bed.  I got up in the early afternoon and was pretty tired so I had to lay back down and I slept till 6 when it was time for my next dose of Lithium.  I had a mental explosion at my Mom in the middle of the night last night.  She had the tv on and was playing on her computer at 3 in the morning and I know I don’t have any right to say anything to her but I just need some private time to myself and she is always up.  She’s like this mad woman that never sleeps.  Anyway, she went to bed mad and I of course felt like the biggest jerk of all time.  We have a living room and family room and the family room is where my sleeping quarters are located and that’s where everyone congregates.  She says that this is my house  but every time I suggest that maybe she let me have the family room as a hideaway and she can have the living room as her hideaway she gets really angry.  I’m not saying that she has to give up control only that it would be nice if Io could have a private place to myself that isn’t my bedroom or the basement.  Anyway we got along better today but I know I’ve hurt her feelings.  I just want to have a good relationship with her but it’s hard.  I’m really hurting right now both emotionally and financially and she’s acting like she’s supportive of what I’m doing but I know she doesn’t trust anyone and thinks I’m making a huge mistake.  I say, how many more mistakes do I have to make until I should get help.  The financial thing is the thing that kind of bothers me the most but it also makes me feel weird.  I’ve been really stressed that I won’t be able to find a job or have enough money to retire on and she keeps telling me that I have an aunt and uncle who really love me and that things may change for me.  She’s insinuating that I’m going to be left something and while I’ll admit that it would be a nice thing.  I want to stand on my own two feet and make my own way.  I have made so many mistakes over the years and my parents seemed to enable me rather than nip the problems in the butt and I want to change that.  Everything I’m doing is so that I can have an independent life and not have to depend on anyone for anything.  I’m babbling now so it’s time to say goodnight or maybe I should say good morning.  Oh, Happy Birthday to myself!

Day 13 "Just Ranting"

I slept really bad last night and it took hours again to fall asleep on 1mg Klonopin.  I have taken them as prescribed and they just seem to take the edge off a little but don’t make me very drowsy.  I do like that they’re smooth.  I have tried a Xanax before and they weren’t like that but I did sleep and it was a lot rougher waking up after taking one.  Anyway, my energy level today has been all over the place. I have also been irritable and depressed.  I just can’t get past the representative payee thing with SSDI.  I don’t know for sure that I would be required but I bet I would need one because of past money problems I had when I was manic.  I have done some stupid things with money in the past but the past is the past and I’m trying to do everything right so that I can get my life back.  I have dreamed of being able to take care of myself my entire life and this seems goes against that.  What makes me really angry and has my mood flared is that I’ve had signs of mental illness since I was a child and nobody ever did anything about it.  I was diagnosed in 1977 as ADD, in 1983 I began OCD rituals, there were times when I would stay up all night for days on end and I would clean and rearrange my room, I was made fun of and bullied from the 6^th grade on up through high school, I wet the bed until I was 15 years old, I had attention problems, did poorly in school, and I missed an average of 30 days of school per year from the 6^th grade on through graduation.  Hell, I can’t believe they let me graduate but then again in their eyes I was a failure who made the teachers look bad and they just wanted to get rid of me. 

This is probably a lot of the reason my parents didn’t really see the need to get me help or make me see someone.  Back in the 1980’s everybody said try harder and if you do the minimum we’ll let you by.  My Mom is having an easier time accepting my diagnosis now than she did when I was first diagnosed with Cyclothymia but I have to kind of laugh because she looked at me the other day and said I should have told them I was having problems.   Hmmm…they knew that there was this boy on the bus in 6^th grade who punched me repeatedly in the groin area until I puked, they knew I fail3ed just about everything, they knew I was missing 30+ days of school a year, they knew I was wetting the bed, and they knew that I almost didn’t graduate high school.  Oh I forgot to mention that my OCD was of the counting nature and I would stay up for hours setting my alarm clock saying it out loud and my room was right next to theirs . 

I’m not blaming anybody for my problems and I don’t want anyone to think that.  It just frustrates me because I feel like if this could have been caught 20 years ago maybe I could have gotten myself stabilized at an earlier age.  But now, I’m now 41 years old and looking at a minimum of a year to get myself stabilized on  meds.  I would love to go back to work but who is going to want to hire a 42 year old man who has been out of the workforce for three years and has a history of getting fired and quitting jobs.  Heck, my therapist and psychiatrist might say that it's better for me not to work full time.  I’m just frustrated about everything right now and a little depressed but I am going to continue my treatment and at least look at the bright side which is that my mania has went away.  So I guess I do have something to be thankful for!!  Its 414am and this Klonopin is sort of starting to work because I’m a little tired so I’m going to go to bed and see what happens….goodnight!

Day 12 "Thinking About The Disability Application Process"

I had an average night of sleep.  I took my Klonopin and laid in bed for around 2-3 hours before I finally fell asleep.  I did sleep ok once it worked.  Today was a pretty average day and nothing too eventful happened.  I napped for in the afternoon because I was so tired and then spent a bunch of hours on Idea Circle reading and responding to posts.  I put a post on there the other day about a site I found to help with the disability process and someone suggested that I make sure to name a representative payee to handle my benefits if I’m approved.  I had never heard of that before so of course I started doing some digging and found out that the SSA can require you to have a representative payee and that person gets your money, pays your bills, pays for your clothes, and any other necessities you may need.  I stated to my counselor that I’ve had some money issues in the past and that I’ve bought pot as well.  So according to all I read I’m going to probably be required to have someone named as a representative payee.  This really pisses me off and makes me just want to drop the whole thing.  I have been up front about everything that I’ve gone through and putting together checklists and trackers for myself to stay consistent with my treatment all because I want to be able to live on my own and take care of myself on my own.  I don’t want anyone in my business at all.  Yes, I have made some mistakes and yes I may need some help but I would like to come out of this at some point on my own.  I might have a mood disorder that causes me to have both manic and depressive states at the same time and it effects me working full time because that seems to be a trigger but I feel wholeheartedly that I can manage my finances.  My bills are pretty bad right now but that’s because I haven’t had a full time job in over two years.   I figured that there would be some sort of surprise along the way in this whole disability thing and I got it.  I’m going to have to think long and hard about even applying.  I feel like my independence is gone now and if I have to ask for an allowance to get some new clothes at Wal-Mart at age 42 or 43 that’s going to make me feel even worse.  I’m done typing for now….goodnight!

Day 11 "Good Day On Lithium"

Today was the best day I’ve had so far on Lithium.  I still have a lot of anxiety but otherwise I wasn’t angry, irritable, hypomanic, and I didn’t binge or purge.  My appetite is still increased and I feel like all I want to do is eat.  I’m going to try hard to get back to tracking what I eat on SparkPeople.com.  I’ve gained about 13 pounds in the last two weeks and it’s a little annoying.  I talked to two really good friends on the phone today and it felt good to converse with both of these friends.  Both friends know of my condition and understand what I’m going through.  Last night I was up late again and the Klonopin seemed like it never kicked in.  I do sometimes feel like I have less anxiety but I almost feel like my nightly dose could be the dose I take during the day and that my nightly dose could be doubled.  I took a whole pill at 10pm and it’s now 1am and I’m still wide awake….that’s how it is every day.  I was lying in bed but that just frustrates me so I got up and am on the computer.  I will try and go back to bed in a little bit.

Day 10 "Depressed and Sleeping A Lot"

I slept ok for the most part last night but was up until after 3 in the morning.  I was able to get up with the alarm I have set on my phone so that I could take my pills.  I have two alarms that go off everyday so that I can remember to take my pills and it’s really helping me to be consistent.  Today my energy level has been pretty low all day but I definitely don’t want to kill myself and haven’t been thinking about that at all which is great.  I think I just have to give this Lithium some time to work to be able to evaluate how it will be for me.  I’m finding that my level of irritability is starting to decrease which makes me happy.  I still do feel a little hypomanic because of the way I’ve been stressing but that too is decreasing.  I have no choice in any of this right now and must roll with the punches if I want to stay on top of my treatment and really be in charge!!!  I didn’t eat that great today but I managed to not binge and purge which I’m thankful for!!!

Day 9 "Depressed And Racing Thoughts"

Last night I got to bed pretty late, I just wasn’t tired.  It was after 4 before I went to bed.  I did manage to get up on time this morning an take my pills. My psychiatrist's nurse called and told me my thyroid is high and that my glucose was a little high as well.  I told her I had no insurance and she’s going to try and get me a doctor and put a note in my file for my therapist that I need a case worker.  I have been depressed all day because I’m scared about my health.  I just want to get better and have a normal life.  In addition to all this, my car is broke at a friend's house and she informed me that she backed in to the car this morning because she forgot it was there.  I have nothing and that car was given to me by my deceased Father.  Besides not being able to afford to fix it my friend backs in to it and says that it’s just a car.  She’s right in theory and I know that she only scraped the back bumper but if I did that to her car she would explode.  I just am having a bad week and it’s like everything that could happen is happening all at the same time.  My Mom has been much more understanding and I feel like she’s starting to understand what I’ve been going through.  I went to the drive in tonight with my cousin and I ate a ton of junk food because I’m so hungry and just depressed.  I just hope that God is looking down on me and will help me through all of this.  All of my drama isn’t much too some people but It’s very overwhelming to me.   Anyway, I’m done typing for now and will be back tomorrow night.

Day 8 On Medication

Today was an overall better day than the last few.  I did have a crappy night of sleep last night and couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me.  I went and had my first Lithium level blood draw this morning and when I got home my energy was still pretty low but kind of got better after I ate and took my pills.  I took a nap and when I woke up my energy was low again but got a little better.  I went with my Mom to my Aunt’s house so she could see her for her birthday and after being there a while I felt pretty good.  My Uncle has a bunch of old slides and I brought them home to start transferring them on to the computer.  That activity really got me excited and my level of energy was elevated for three or four hours.  I got a little mouthy about a few people in a humorous way while at my Aunt’s which made me feel like I might be a little hypomania today.  Other than all that I drank a lot of water and didn’t binge or purge today.  My car is broke and have no way of fixing it and I managed not to stress over it today.  I feel like the Klonopin is doing something but I don’t feel like it makes me drowsy when I take the whole pill.  I’m going to ask the psychiatrist if she can up the day and night time dose a little.

Day 7 "Emotions Are All Over The Place"

I had a hard time falling asleep last night again and cried for a good 45 minutes when I first went to bed.  I’m depressed but I think that I’ve been manic so long that this is the first time in many years where I’ve had a non manic kind of mindset and it’s scary to me.  Before, being on Lithium I would fluctuate back and forth between mania and depression and I was manic so much of the time that I really didn’t think about consequences or about the future.  I kind of lived in the moment but it was for the wrong reasons.  I haven’t been this emotional in a very long time.  Today has been a little bit better in terms of feeling depressed.  It was my Aunt’s 80^th birthday and me and my cousin went over to celebrate with her and my Uncle.  I got talking about with them about everything that’s going on with me and for the first time in my life I was able to explain what it feels like for me to be Bipolar which I didn’t fully understand until I started taking Lithium and the mania has stopped.  I would say that I’m somewhat manic right now but it’s mostly because I know I have a long road ahead of me to get my life together and get myself in a position so that I will be able to take care of myself on my own.  I basically have to right a bunch of wrongs so to speak.  Up to this point most all of my family has been very skeptical about the treatment I’m going through.  Nobody has really ever wanted to talk about it which has made me doubt myself so many times.  Well, today both my Aunt and Uncle told me that they were proud of me for trying to get this under control and that anytime I need to talk or if I need to get away or if I just need help that they would be there for me and all I have to do is ask.  Well, I’m sitting here blubbering because I don’t even know why.  Anyway, my diet today was so so.  I ate alright then tonight I just wanted something decadent so I ate this Hagen Daz vanilla ice cream with big chunks of caramel in it.  I ate the whole thing and there was more fat in this little container than I usually consume in two days.  However, I didn’t binge and purge which is a good thing.  Tomorrow is my first blood draw to see where what my Lithium levels are and I’m anxious to see how it turns out.  Well, today has been a little better with my depression and from here on out I’m going to try my hardest to take one day at a time. 

Day 6 "So Much Going On In My Head"

I went to bed at around 1130pm last night and fell asleep after about an hour.  I woke up several times during the night and as soon as it was light out I again woke.  After I fell back asleep this morning I slept until 1130am.  I need to get myself on a regular schedule so that I can make sure I’m taking my pills at the same time every day.  Today was another day of depression for me.  I have cried every day this week and today was no exception.  I’ve also had two instances where I thought about suicide which is something that I don’t normally do.  I’ve thought about death a lot but I’ve never had the thought to actually do it.  I feel ok in respects to that right now and am not having any thoughts like that.  I asked God to help me because I want to live.  I have so much that I want to experience out of life.  I just am feeling like a zombie and feel like there is no hope for my future.  My Mom is getting a little better about talking to me about all this but I know that it makes her uncomfortable and I tried to talk about it with my cousin and she listens but I feel like she really isn’t that interested.  I’m supposed to go for a blood draw on Monday morning to see how this Lithium is working in my system and then I’m going to call the nurse and talk to her.  I read that that people who suffer from bulimia might not benefit from Lithium as it may become toxic to them.  Well, I’m bulimic and the last week has been pretty bad.  I’ve binged and purged 5 of the last seven days.  I just want to be safe and get better.  Well, I’m going to get off here and go look at some cars on ebay, it’s the only thing that seems to calm me down at all.