Day 92 "I Want What I Want"

Today was an overall OK day!  I'm still mildly depressed and have no interest in doing anything I enjoy.  I have a really nice camera my parents gave me for Christmas five years ago and I've had it out twice this year.  I used to enjoy hiking and biking and I could careless if I do either one ever again.  I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.  Is it because I need another medication?  Is it because I need one of my current medications dosage changed?  Is it because I'm not working and haven't had a full time job in almost three years?  I don't know what the problem is but I would like to have some enjoyment in my life again.  The medications have helped me but is the way I'm feeling right now normal. 

My next concern is the medications and their effectiveness in controlling my ups and downs.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner said she would work until we found the right combination of medications to control my bipolar disorder.  All of these medications have side effects and I want to know at what point do the health risks outweigh benefits of the drug.  I see my doctor in two days and am going to find out if I need to be on pills for diabetes.  My sugar was borderline one month ago when I saw my doctor last.  This was about two weeks after I had started taking Seroquel which one of it's side effects is it can cause diabetes.  I also have developed high blood pressure in the last couple of  months which I think started when I began taking Lithium.  I was put on Lisinopril for the high blood pressure and that drug does not mix well with Lithium.  According to what I've read on the Internet Lithium doesn't mix well with any drug for blood pressure.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner told me before I went to see the doctor not to let him talk me out of Seroquel because the benefits outweigh the risks.  Well, shouldn't that decision be up to me?  I get my Seroquel for free from her and just wonder of she gets some sort of kick back from the drug company.

My final concern is that maybe I'm just being too hyper.  Maybe I'm working myself up to the point that I'm causing my own high blood pressure.  When I get stressed I like to eat and maybe that kind of eating is causing my sugar to be higher than it should be.  So I'm not exactly sure how to handle this whole situation.  I will be seeing my doctor in two days and talking to him about how I'm feeling.  That afternoon I see my therapist and will be talking to her about how I should handle all of this as well. 

I'm reading through all of what I just wrote and feel a little psychotic.  I feel like I'm going off the deep end.  It's a whole different feeling than the ups and downs I've been having.  It's crazy racing thoughts about wanting people to listen to me.  I just want what I want and that's to be stable and possibly get off some of this medication.  I haven't heard too many good things about any of the medications I take on a long term basis.