Day 91 "An Unexpected Occurance"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part.  I feel like I can function and get around without any trouble.  However, I have this constant feeling of mild depression that just won't go away.  I feel like I can't enjoy anything I used to like to do.  I basically have no hope for my future.  As a result I barely go out of the house and just sleep a lot.  I have tried to go on a couple of car rides with my cousin but I just can't enjoy myself as much as I would like too.  My therapist told me that stable for me might be a little on the low side and I may have to get used to that.  However, I feel my depression is lower than what she's talking about and will be discussing it with her when I see her this week.  As much as I don't want another medication I may need one to help me with this depression.

This evening I had a really nice visit with my older brother.  He approached me about helping me to get my car fixed.  As much as I don't want to be in debt to anyone I really need to get the car fixed.  It might raise my spirits knowing I have my own automobile to drive.  It hasn't been on the road since I started this blog.  He told me this would be between me and him and that he wants to get it towed this week to the garage.  So if all goes well I may be able to drive it in the next week or so.

After we were done talking about the car my brother got this serious look on his face and asked me if I believed everything that my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner were telling me.  I  explained to him that I made a timeline of my entire life and listed every little detail I could remember about my schooling, jobs, addictions, friendships, highs, and lows.  I told him that I took this 25 page timeline with me to my appointment and that I went through two long interviews.  So, my answer to him was yes.  I do believe the diagnosis I was given.  He told me he never realized I was having that tough of time.  My answer to that was that I kept a lot of information from everybody around me.  I told people what they wanted to hear and tried to show people what they wanted to see.  I wasn't all that good at that and just isolated myself a lot from my family.

I told my brother of the progress I've been making and that my therapist said that if I continue in the direction I'm going she's going to refer me to someone who can help me with my resume and getting a job.  I told him the timeline she's looking at is two months.  I'm a first for my brother when it comes to Bipolar disorder.  He's never had to deal with it and really didn't understand how it makes me feel until tonight.  It made me feel good for him to understand where I was coming from and that I'm not going to let this disorder define who I am.  He didn't say but I think he thought I was just going to let this disorder consume me.