Day 79 "Maybe I'm Not Doing As Good As I Thought"

Yesterday I was feeling better and not so depressed.  I felt like I was becoming more stable.  I was handling things that needed to be done and feeling better about myself.  I actually was in public around people and didn't feel as if I was going to have an anxiety attack.

Well, today is totally different in terms of my mood, anxiety, and general outlook on everything.  My mood is really low, my anxiety is off the chart, and I have no hope for my future or my Mom's.  She is very depressed and feeling really sorry for herself.  I've been making her food, making sure she takes her pills which is a chore all in itself, and helping her to get in bed at night.  I've been trying to help her as much as I can.  However, my daily dose of Seroquel was raised last week from 300mg XR to 600mg XR.  It has done me a lot of good but I'm still getting used to it and all I want to do is sleep and my vision is a little blurry with it.  I figure that in a few weeks the side effects I'm having will go away.  I just feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends.  I'm taking all my medications as directed but I can't get to bed at night and only end up with like four or five hours of sleep.  I feel like I'm going to have hypomanic episode if something doesn't change.

I feel like I've been abandoned by my two brothers where my Mom's concerned.  The car crash was a week ago this past Saturday.  My little brother has called her maybe three times and my older brother hasn't called at all.  However, his wife did bring over some soup about a week ago.  My Mom has had a few visits from the neighbors and her brother.  The only person that has been coming over whenever she can is my cousin but she has a busy schedule just like everyone else.

I guess I'm just angry because everybody takes me for granted.  Everyone in my family thinks I should be out looking for a job and really can't grasp the fact that I'm bipolar.  So, since I'm not working it's OK for me to handle everything.  I love me Mom even though we get on each other's nerves a lot but I could use a break.  I have been working so hard to change things for myself  and that has been like a full time job.  My cousin has a cabin booked near Hocking Hills in late October and invited me to go along as her guest.  We have actually been to this cabin before and it's wonderful and very private.  Well, she informed me that she's not going to cancel the reservation if my Mom's not well enough to take care of herself and is going alone.  The reservation was made in February and I've been looking forward to this little get away so much.  Anyway, I'm not trying to complain I just feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place.