Day 67 "The Fire Inside"

Deep beneath my skin to the deepest part of me,
There is a fire burning, with extreme intensity.
I can feel each flame burst through my body each and every day.
Oh how I thirst for peace at night When in bed I lay.
The anger and hurt a wrath of anxiety.
It takes every whit of my vigor to be social and step out into society.
It doesn't matter where I resort Or what I may consummate,
It seems like all eyes are on me, Just waiting to gossip, or simply aggravate.
Oh gods tell them to let me be,
To live their own lives rectify their own immoralities.
How I crave to feel free,
To not harbor bad feelings and negativity,
Those which have led me to appear tainted and full of grief.

 
by Joann E.

 

I found this poem while going through some papers tonight and thought I would share with everyone.  Everyone will have their own interpretation and my thoughts were before I was being treated for my bipolar.  The fire that constantly used to burn inside of me was failure because I never finish what I started, I lost every job I had because of stupid choices, I alienated all my friends and family, and I talked to people horribly.  Sometimes I would do inappropriate things.  All of this fire ate at me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and my brain never felt rested.

 

I am now being treated with medication and therapy dealing better than I ever have and all that never ending fire has turned to optimism for me.  I have had to accept and let go a lot of my past and move on.  If I wouldn't have done that the fire would have eaten me a live.  I still have a lot of bad days and getting used to all the medications is the most horrible thing I've ever went through but in life I have to move forward and stop dwelling on the past.

 

Today my bipolar has been pretty stable for the most part.  I took all my medications as scheduled and while I'm still a little worried about my Lithium levels I know my body will tell me when there off.  I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm going to ask her if she'll send me for a blood test because of the blood pressure medication I'm now taking.  Chances are there won't have to be any adjustments but there's also that chance that the blood pressure medication has caused my Lithium levels to change.  Everyone might think I'm being OCD but it's better to be safe than sorry.