Today I feel like I'm back at day 14 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. Today my mood has been horrible, I've had a thoughts about death, I've binged and purged, and I just want to be alone. I have felt like a total failure all day and today bipolar has won. Today I felt defeated in everything I attempted and the more I felt defeated the more I became both manic and depressed.
Tonight I looked at Internet porn and even could have had a hookup had I wanted one. I became more hypersexual as the depression set in. I think the porn and anonymous sex gives me this quick rush of adrenalin that tramps on the depression and makes it go away for a few minutes. It's the same thing when I binge and purge. For those ten or so minutes when I'm binging I feel in control because I know that I'm working up to that release which is a quick rush of adrenalin.
I have coping mechanisms that I have in place for when things happen like this but today nothing worked. There were too many variables that played against me. My car needs fixed, I broke my $800 Nikon camera, my Mom and sister's car accident, and me having to take blood pressure medications. It's just been a really bad weekend and all I can do is promise myself that I'll try and make tomorrow better.
I’m a 46 year old man who’s been dealing with Bipolar my entire life. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was diagnosed and this blog is my story. As you’ll see there’s been many lapses in my posting but I’m going to try and get back with it. I’ve had a lot of trouble during my lapses but I continue to remain optimistic about my bipolar hence the title Optimistic Bipolar.
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