Day 80 "What I Need"

Today it has been 80 days since I've started medication for my bipolar disorder.  Some days I feel Like I've made great strides and other days I feel like I did the first day.  Today I had a therapy session and we talked about the different consequences I face when do or act out certain behaviors.  My therapist used a car as an example saying that there would be consequences if I put too much gas, the wrong kind of gas, or used diesel fuel in a gas engine.  So my assignment for next visit is to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit when I'm manic and depressed and list the consequences each behavior has keeping in mind the automobile example.  In any event I couldn't answer my therapist today when  she was asking me about the consequences of my actions.  I felt stupid!

Again today I was feeling a lot of anxiety about my Mom, not having an income, having no hope for the future, not getting enough sleep, and having to take all the medication I do.  My speech was very slow because of the higher dose of Seroquel but I also felt hypomanic.  So if I'm correct I was possibly having a mixed episode because I was having highs and lows at the same time.  Right now I feel OK but I'm still worried about everything.  The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is whether applying for disability is the right thing for me verses finding a full time job somewhere.However, I don't think anyone will hire me because of all the gaps in my employment.

Truthfully what I need is to fight to get disability.  Then I need to concentrate on diet and exercise.  It would be nice to lose about 150 pounds.  After I get my disability approved and get working on my weight I need to come up with and work on coping strategies to combat my hypersexuality, bulimia, and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  I have a long journey ahead of me to fight but I need some time.  I would love to have a full time job but I know from past experience that I'll end up failing    .