Day 97 "Very Low SLow Day"

Today has been a very low slow day.  After taking my Seroquel last night around 8 p.m. I was finally ready to sleep around 2 this morning.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner says it should work in about three hours.  Well, it works on me in about five to six hours.  However, once it works I'm out for around twelve hours on average.  Today, I woke up after sleeping for twelve hours, was up for two hours, and then went back to bed for another four hours because I was just that sedated.  So I slept for sixteen hours and that's unacceptable.  Of the few hours that I've been awake I've felt very depressed and sedated.  The more I take this drug the worse I feel.

I've lost all faith in this drug and feel like it's caused me to lose the entire summer.  I'm hardly ever outside and have no desire to do anything.  All I feel like doing is nothing.  Isn't that the definition of being lethargic?  I don't have an appointment with my nurse practitioner until the middle of September but am going to try and be put on a cancellation list so that I can get in a little sooner.  I need to get off this drug and try something different.  I have this feeling she's going to try and fight me on it but I'm going to stick to my guns.  I'm keeping track of all the hours I sleep plus it's also a drug that could be contributing to my A1C number being so high.  It might not be the entire reason my A1C is so high but it could be a contributing factor. 

Anyway, this following week I'm going to be picking my nephew up three days a week from school and will have him for three to four hours a night.  He lives really close to a park that has a walking track and he's going to become my walking partner.  I promised him he could play on the playground if he promises to walk with me.  The walking will be good for me and hopefully help me to lose weight.  I also think letting my nephew play on the playground will help him to let off some steam.  Well, day 97 is close to being over and I hope that day 98 is much better!  

Day 95 & 96 " A Trip To The Emergency Room"

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post because I had to make a trip to the Emergency Room.  I had been having some abdominal discomfort for about the last three to four days.  At some times the discomfort was worse and I had planned to let my doctor know about it the day before yesterday but he had rescheduled my appointment and I never got the message.  I had blood work done four weeks prior to this appointment and was supposed to get the results so when I showed up for the appointment I asked for a copy of my blood work which showed that I have several problems with biggest being Diabetes.  I pretty much freaked out all that day and yesterday about that along with the discomfort in my lower abdomen and with all the medication I take for bipolar disorder I was really worried.  So I decided last night that I would go to the ER and get checked out.

When I got to the ER the wait to be seen was four to five hours.  During that period I saw a woman lose her husband and at that point I really felt a lot of anxiety.  What if the discomfort I was feeling was cancer?  After about two hours they called me back to get my blood drawn which took six attempts.  I didn't pass out but was so uncomfortable, the nurse was just about to get someone else to try, and finally hit a vein to get the blood she needed.

During my blood draw the nurse told me that she could see fear in my eyes.  I told her besides being being their for abdominal discomfort I was being treated for bipolar disorder and that this summer has been pretty much miserable.  She told me that, yes, I have a lot going on but that I need to cut myself a break and concentrate on fixing the problems one at a time.  She suggested that I start walking and that could have a positive impact on everything.  She told me to start slow and build myself up and at some point things would get better.  She told me I was a really nice man and that she really enjoyed talking to me.  I know that I've talked with my therapist about eating and exercising but talking to this nurse made me feel a little better about how I was feeling.  Thanks nurse Terri!

After my blood draw I went back to the waiting room and for another two hours until I was finally called back.  After being called back and given a bed by an over worked nurse I waited another hour before the doctor came in.  He was a very nice man and listened to what I had to say.  He said that the best course of action for me was to have a CT Scan of my chest and abdomen.  He also asked me for a urine specimen.  Within ten minutes I had given my urine specimen and was being scanned that only took about fifteen minutes.  Anyway, about another hour passed and the doctor came in and said everything looked good.  There was no problem with my urine, my CT scan looked good and my blood work was OK.  He said that the discomfort could be a number of things and that I should keep an eye on it and follow up with my doctor but to come back if it got worse.  Thank you Dr. Tim!

I got home at six this morning made breakfast, took my pills, and went to bed.  I had been up for twenty three hours without sleep.  After sleeping for nine hours I got up and ate dinner.  My mood this evening has been pretty good.  I still have discomfort in my lower abdomen and am making some changes.  This past week I have eaten a lot of nuts and I'm eating no more nuts.  I also usually drink 16oz. of water at a time and I'm reducing the amount I drink to 10oz. so that I'm not making my kidneys work too hard.  I'm also going to watch the amount of fatty foods I consume as well.  I don't know what the discomfort is but I'm going to do whatever I can to aleve it.  I will be following up with my doctor this coming week and I'm going to do everything to overcome this, the diabetes, and of course my bipolar disorder.

Day 94 "Those Who Have Money And Insurance Always Come First"

Today has been a low day for me again.  I don't feel well and I have no hope that I'm ever going to get better.  I went to the doctor this morning expecting to get the results of my blood work that was done in the end of July.  Well,  I got there and found out that my appointment had been cancelled and moved to Sept 11th.  I made note of it and asked if I could get a copy of my blood work results so that I could take them with me to my therapy session in the afternoon.

Well, I got my blood work in an envelope from the receptionist and I left.  When I got out to the car I opened them and started looking at the numbers.  I was shocked to see that my A1C number was 10.4%.  The A1C number measures your average blood glucose at all times during the previous 2-3 months.  Checking your blood with a meter only gives you a picture of what it is at that moment.  Average A1C numbers are anything between 4-6%.  Keeping your A1C number within the guidelines greatly reduces eye, heart, and kidney problems.

As I sat there in the car I got really upset and just cried.  It's like everything is happening all at once with me.  I then got angry at my doctor.  Why didn't he or his nurse let me know that my A1C numbers were high?  Why didn't someone at the doctor's office counsel me this morning?  I would have been happy to wait.  It all comes down to the fact that I have no insurance and no money.  There's not really anything in it for my doctor.  Years ago when I had insurance I would go get my blood drawn and then get the results the following week.  I've talked to some other people that currently have insurance and it still works that way.  It's a shame that things have to be like this.  I'm not asking for a handout I just wish I could get the same level of customer service.

I went to my therapy session this afternoon and my therapist got the nurse there to go over my lab work with me.  She told me that everything is reversible but that I'm definitely diabetic according to the A1C number.  She told me to stay away from sweets and eat more vegetables.  I don't have an appointment for two weeks so I'm going to look at the American Diabetes Association website and see if they have any meal plans.

Day 93 "Meltdown Mode Approaching"

Today my mood has been low all day.  My speech has been really slow and a little slurred.  I've also been crying a little here and there.  My cousin was with me this afternoon and is very concerned with my treatment plan.  She told me that I'm always sleeping and how do I expect to work a job when I can't stay awake.  I agree with her and am going to talk with my therapist tomorrow.  My cousin's concerns go along with my own concerns.  In the beginning they told me that I should consider applying for Disability now I'm being told that I could possibly be working withing in a few months with the help of someone who will help me rewrite my resume.  God knows I would love to hold a full time job and take care of myself but is two months a realistic time frame.  I agree with my therapist that I'm making improvements but those improvements don't necessarily mean that I'll be able to hold a job.

Today I've also had slight discomfort in my stomach that I think may be my appendix.  It's not a stabbing kind of pain but I can feel it when I move, breathe, cough, or move the wrong way.  I'm tempted to take myself to the hospital tonight but I have an appointment with my doctor in the morning.  I'm just about ready to lose my mind over this and my bipolar disorder.  I've had the most horrible depressing summer and if I my appendix has to be removed I feel like I'm going to flip out.  I just want to feel normal again and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Day 92 "I Want What I Want"

Today was an overall OK day!  I'm still mildly depressed and have no interest in doing anything I enjoy.  I have a really nice camera my parents gave me for Christmas five years ago and I've had it out twice this year.  I used to enjoy hiking and biking and I could careless if I do either one ever again.  I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.  Is it because I need another medication?  Is it because I need one of my current medications dosage changed?  Is it because I'm not working and haven't had a full time job in almost three years?  I don't know what the problem is but I would like to have some enjoyment in my life again.  The medications have helped me but is the way I'm feeling right now normal. 

My next concern is the medications and their effectiveness in controlling my ups and downs.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner said she would work until we found the right combination of medications to control my bipolar disorder.  All of these medications have side effects and I want to know at what point do the health risks outweigh benefits of the drug.  I see my doctor in two days and am going to find out if I need to be on pills for diabetes.  My sugar was borderline one month ago when I saw my doctor last.  This was about two weeks after I had started taking Seroquel which one of it's side effects is it can cause diabetes.  I also have developed high blood pressure in the last couple of  months which I think started when I began taking Lithium.  I was put on Lisinopril for the high blood pressure and that drug does not mix well with Lithium.  According to what I've read on the Internet Lithium doesn't mix well with any drug for blood pressure.  My psychiatric nurse practitioner told me before I went to see the doctor not to let him talk me out of Seroquel because the benefits outweigh the risks.  Well, shouldn't that decision be up to me?  I get my Seroquel for free from her and just wonder of she gets some sort of kick back from the drug company.

My final concern is that maybe I'm just being too hyper.  Maybe I'm working myself up to the point that I'm causing my own high blood pressure.  When I get stressed I like to eat and maybe that kind of eating is causing my sugar to be higher than it should be.  So I'm not exactly sure how to handle this whole situation.  I will be seeing my doctor in two days and talking to him about how I'm feeling.  That afternoon I see my therapist and will be talking to her about how I should handle all of this as well. 

I'm reading through all of what I just wrote and feel a little psychotic.  I feel like I'm going off the deep end.  It's a whole different feeling than the ups and downs I've been having.  It's crazy racing thoughts about wanting people to listen to me.  I just want what I want and that's to be stable and possibly get off some of this medication.  I haven't heard too many good things about any of the medications I take on a long term basis.

Day 91 "An Unexpected Occurance"

Today my mood has been OK for the most part.  I feel like I can function and get around without any trouble.  However, I have this constant feeling of mild depression that just won't go away.  I feel like I can't enjoy anything I used to like to do.  I basically have no hope for my future.  As a result I barely go out of the house and just sleep a lot.  I have tried to go on a couple of car rides with my cousin but I just can't enjoy myself as much as I would like too.  My therapist told me that stable for me might be a little on the low side and I may have to get used to that.  However, I feel my depression is lower than what she's talking about and will be discussing it with her when I see her this week.  As much as I don't want another medication I may need one to help me with this depression.

This evening I had a really nice visit with my older brother.  He approached me about helping me to get my car fixed.  As much as I don't want to be in debt to anyone I really need to get the car fixed.  It might raise my spirits knowing I have my own automobile to drive.  It hasn't been on the road since I started this blog.  He told me this would be between me and him and that he wants to get it towed this week to the garage.  So if all goes well I may be able to drive it in the next week or so.

After we were done talking about the car my brother got this serious look on his face and asked me if I believed everything that my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner were telling me.  I  explained to him that I made a timeline of my entire life and listed every little detail I could remember about my schooling, jobs, addictions, friendships, highs, and lows.  I told him that I took this 25 page timeline with me to my appointment and that I went through two long interviews.  So, my answer to him was yes.  I do believe the diagnosis I was given.  He told me he never realized I was having that tough of time.  My answer to that was that I kept a lot of information from everybody around me.  I told people what they wanted to hear and tried to show people what they wanted to see.  I wasn't all that good at that and just isolated myself a lot from my family.

I told my brother of the progress I've been making and that my therapist said that if I continue in the direction I'm going she's going to refer me to someone who can help me with my resume and getting a job.  I told him the timeline she's looking at is two months.  I'm a first for my brother when it comes to Bipolar disorder.  He's never had to deal with it and really didn't understand how it makes me feel until tonight.  It made me feel good for him to understand where I was coming from and that I'm not going to let this disorder define who I am.  He didn't say but I think he thought I was just going to let this disorder consume me. 

Day 90 "Three Months On Medications Today"

Well, today marks the 90 day point in my treatment with medications.  It has been a long three months with many ups and downs.  I still have a little bit of mania from time to time but it's not anywhere as severe as it was before beginning treatment.  Three months ago I was very hypersexual, I was very angry with everyone, and I felt like I was above everyone else and could do anything I wanted.  I didn't care about the consequences of my actions.  I was also starting to have mixed episodes and was having highs and lows at the same time.  I felt like I was on a roller coaster that was non stop, out of control, and I couldn't get off of it.

When I started medications I was put on Lithium 900mg and Klonopin 1.5mg.  In a matter of a week the mania I was experiencing was gone.  I was left with a deep depression.  All I wanted to do was be in a dark room, sleep, and cry.  I even had thoughts of death and suicide during this time.  I got a hold of my  psychiatric nurse practitioner and told her how I was feeling and she decided that I needed something for the depression I was having.  She chose to raise my dosage of Klonopin to 3 mg and put me on Seroquel XR 300mg which took me about a month to get used to because of the sedating effect it had on me.  After that month I was still having some problems with depression and she decided to raise my dose another 300mg to 600mg.  I was  on this dose for about three weeks and developed problems with my vision.  After talking to her about this she reduced my dosage of Seroquel to 400mg and that seemed to do the trick.   

The biggest problem for me now is getting used to all of these medications.  Once I go to bed they tend to sedate me and it's hard for me to wake up.  Even if I do get up at a descent time I feel like I want to sleep for the first four or five hours I'm up.  Other than that I'm starting to feel better.  However, I still feel like I'm missing out on life and feel generally depressed.  I feel like I can't have any fun doing anything.  I never thought in a million years I would feel this way.  I thought after being on medications for a month I would feel normal again.  Being prescribed medications for bipolar is sure different than being prescribed medications for depression.  I'm looking forward to becoming totally stabilized on this medication and feeling more in control.  I'm going to keep doing what I'm instructed to do and by Day 180 I hope to feel even better.

Day 89 "I'm Trying To Remain In Good Spirits"

Today I woke up and was a pretty good mood all day for the most part.  The new dosage of Seroquel still keeps me pretty sedated but my vision is much better.  I'm able to drive the car and see clearly.  I just hope it stays this way.  Anything else will be unacceptable.  The only problems I've encountered today have been the women in my family that try and run my life.  I don't ask anything of anyone or make anyone feel guilty the way these women do.  There's basically three of them and I'm not going to mention any names out of respect.  Oh, did I say respect?  It sure would be nice if they had some for me but instead it's just the usual strings attached.

I've been thinking a lot about being able to get a job the last two days since my last therapy session.  I can't wait to get out of this house everyday and earn my own money.  I'm sure I won't get a good job at first but if I could find something that could eventually turn into something better I 'll be happy.  I just can't stop dreaming about being able to buy my own car and have my own place to live.  My entire life I've dreamed of being on my own and able to afford a nice car, a nice place to live, and the ability to travel once in a while.  I just have to remain hopeful and optimistic as hard as that may seem some days.

Tonight my Mom wanted to eat out as usual because that's what makes her happy.  I of course didn't want to because I feel that I need to get healthier.  I currently am on blood pressure pills, thyroid pills, and I may end up on medication for diabetes.  The verdict is still out on me being diabetic but I know if I keep eating out and not following a diet I'm going to end up being diabetic for sure.  Anyway, we ate out tonight at Wendy's and I ate enough food for two people.  It's been over two hours and I'm still full.  I'm supposed to take my Seroquel on an empty stomach and I still feel so full that I can't take it yet.  Looks like another late night of being up for me!

Day 88 "Today Had It's Up's And Downs"

Overall today was a pretty good day with my Bipolar Disorder.  I went in many directions today, remained calm, and made no mistakes.  First off, I had to take my sister to her doctors appointment, drop her off, go get her son from school, and then go back and get her from her appointment.  The timing was remarkably good.  She was just getting done with her appointment when I got back to the doctor's office.  She decided that her and the kids would come back home with me to spend a little time with Mom.  I then had to take my my Mom's prescription's to the pharmacy and pick them up when they were finished.  While her prescriptions were being filled I had the oil in the car changed and picked up five bags of salt for the water softener.  After I got home I put all the salt in the softener and then went and picked up dinner for everyone.  After we ate I made a grocery list, took my sister and her kids back home, and then went and did the grocery shopping.  I ran today for almost nine hours and did alright.  I can't promise that my mood will always be like that but today it was OK.

There was only one thing that disturbed me today.  When I got back to the house with my sister and her kids I pulled the car in the garage and when my sister went to let herself in she could hear my Mom screaming out.  When we went in the house it took a few minutes to get my Mom's attention and wake her up.  The same thing has happened a number of times since the accident.  Yesterday when I got home from picking up my nephew from school my Mom was in a chair and talking about the accident and moving her hands around.  She kept talking about getting the babies out of the car.  I feel horrible for all of them but I'm beginning to think that they could use some counseling to get through this.  My little nephew doesn't want to talk about it at all and cried a little about it when I was taking them home tonight.  My little niece that just turned three just keeps talking about the vehicle being upside down.  It breaks my heart that their all having such a hard time.

I have my own stress and anxiety related to their crash as well.  The day that it happened I was sleeping and my cousin was at the house banging on my wall so that I would wake up.  When I came face to face with her she told me that I should sit down.  All I could think of was that my Mom had died.  I thank God she's alive as well as my sister and her family.  I'm not having any bad dreams or nightmares and have been sleeping well.  However, I keep having moments where I envision what life would be like if they would have all died.  In any event I'm going to look into some sort of counseling they could all go to together.  I think it would help them all cope with this a lot better.

Day 87 "Had A Good Day And A Reason To Be Optimistic"

Today has been a good overall day for me.  I saw my therapist and she contacted my nurse practitioner and had my dosage of Seroquel reduced from 600mg XR to 400mg XR because of the way it was effecting my vision.  Today we also talked a lot about my future and what I should do.  She said that I'm making very good progress and that I should definitely appeal the denial I received from Social Security when I applied for SSDI because I have nothing to lose.

She also said that if I'm still doing this well in two months she's going to refer me to a job coach within their office.  I asked if this was someone that would accompany me to a job and assess me and she said no.  She said the job coach would help me write my resume and coach me through the interview process.  He would help me to be able to explain the gaps in employment I have. 

My therapist said that since I've picked up my nephew from school since preschool and helped watch him and his little sister that I put that I was a caregiver on my resume.  I also told her about how I take my Mom to all her doctor's appointments and go with her to do the grocery shopping and she said I could use that as well.  Furthermore, last year I drove my sister to and from her job for almost for months in addition to picking her son up from school. She said I sound like a caregiver and should use that if i can.

So I haven't had a traditional job but I 've spent considerable amount of time taking care of others.  The fact that I'm doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and making sure my Mom takes her pills is a job within itself.  The fact that I 've spent three years getting my nephew from school and helping take care his little sister has also been a job in itself.  I just need to learn how to put the proper spin on it in an interview. 

Today was exciting for me because somebody actually told me I was improving and could probably handle a full time job in the near future.  I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and do everything that's asked of me.  It would feel so good if I could be able to work and support myself.  I especially never want to be in debt to anybody!

Day 86 " I Passed The Test Today"

Today I had to pick my nephew up from school and get him home.  Until my sister has a car and is able to drive I'm going to be responsible for him.  Today was the first day of school and I wondered how my mood would hold.  I tend to get very stressed, upset, and sometimes angry when my family makes changes to my schedule.  They think because I'm not working that I'm available.  They don't get that part of me controlling my Bipolar is following the same schedule  everyday.  The part that usually makes me angry is that they don't ask me they just assume and get confrontational with me when I call them out of it.  I've explained to them a million times that I need to follow a schedule and that before they commit me to anything they need to ask.  Asking me would make me feel like they had respect for me.

Anyway, I cut both my sister and Mom some slack about picking my nephew up from school.  Neither one of them is able to drive and they have so much on their minds that I can't really be mad at them at this point.  It's only been two and a half weeks since their car accident and my Mom can hardly move and is using a walker.  My sister has bruising all over the one side of her body and it's the ugliest black, blue, and purple I've ever seen.  Every time I see one of my Mom's or sister's bruises I have to leave the room and I cry.  I know that I almost lost a portion of my family on August the 3rd and I'm just so grateful there here. 

So today wasn't a horrible day at all.  I didn't take my Seroquel last night to see how my vision was today and it was normal just like I thought it would be.  However, it did take me a while to fall asleep without it.  I had no depression without taking it but I'm wondering How I'll be if she takes me completely off of it.  I'm going to see the nurse tomorrow and see about just lowering the dosage back down to 300mg instead of the 600mg.  I'm also going to ask if there may be a drug that has less side effects that I could take instead.

Day 85 "Tomorrow My Bipolar Will Be Tested"

Today was an OK day for the most part.  I went to bed at a descent time last night and slept for twelve hours.  Taking Seroquel seems to keep me in bed a lot.  I feel like I've missed most of the summer because of it which is a little depressing.  I'm going to talk to my nurse practitioner and nurse and see if there is something else I can take in place of the Seroquel.  I really like it but I can't stay awake on it.

Tomorrow will be the real test of how I do with Seroquel because it's the first day of school and I'm going to have to be the one to pick up my nephew and get him home everyday because my sister can't drive and doesn't have a new car yet since the car accident.  I've always helped out with picking him up but it only has ever been two or three days a week.  Now it will be five days plus my Mom and sister both have doctors appointments that I will be taking them to.  In addition to that I have my own appointments that I need to go to.

I'm so sorry there was a car accident and am very grateful that everyone came out of it alive.  However, anytime there is any little crisis everyone looks to me.  All I've been hearing is how bruised and banged up they all are.  I've been told several times that I don't know what pain is.  I was also told this evening by my Mother that it only takes about three months to get stabilized on medications for bipolar and that I should get a job because there's other bipolar people doing it.  It makes me so angry and hateful when people, especially my family, can't understand that the last three months have been horrible for me.  I'm not stable yet with my medications and truthfully I think it's going to be a while before I am.  When people start dictating to me what I have to do I may as well not be on any medications because I snap and am angry all the time.  I need to be on a schedule or my moods are all over the place.  I'm still trying to figure it all out and don't need the added stress.

I try to keep a schedule that I made for myself because that's how I stay consistent with my medications and appointments.  Tomorrow that will all change when I start picking up my nephew.  It takes up about two hours of my day.  The part of it that really bugs me is that nobody ever asked me to do any of this it's just implied that since I'm not working that I'm available.  I have also tried to tell everyone that it's sometimes hard for me to drive because of taking Seroquel.  It's like talking to a brick wall.  So basically I have no choice and just have to deal with it.  This is part of the reason I'm going to ask to be taken off the Seroquel.  When I'm not on it I can get up easily, my vision is clear, and I have mixed episodes. 

Day 84 "Tried My Hand At Fixing The Car Today and Failed"

My car, a 2001 Mercury Grand Marquis GS, broke down almost three months ago.  I had noticed the evening before it stopped running that my lights were unusually dim but other than that it was running OK.  The following morning the car started like normal, no problems.  I drove it to my cousins house and messed around there for an hour or so.  When I went to leave it wouldn't crank at all.  It just made this rapid clicking noise.  I had watched my Dad work on cars enough to know that noise usually meant a bad alternator, problem with the battery, or problem with the voltage regulator.

So I watched a bunch of videos on taking out and putting back in an alternator.  If the alternator was the problem a new one for my car is almost $200 so I had to do the work myself because I can't afford the labor a shop would charge.  I also didn't want to purchase an alternator if it really was the battery that was bad so I carefully removed both the battery and alternator from the car.  I was so excited because this is the first time I had ever done this and everything went smoothly.

In order to find out whether the battery or alternator was bad I had to take them to an auto parts store. There they were able to test each part and tell me which part I needed.  Well, the sales associate first tested the alternator and it failed meaning that I had to buy a new one.  He then tested the battery and it was completely dead.  So I bought a new alternator which cost almost $200 and left them the battery to charge which was free.  When I got back to my cousins I installed the alternator exactly like I took it off.  I was excited again because I had now installed a new alternator by myself and did it right.  

It only took an hour for them to charge my battery so I went back to the auto parts store and the sales associate put my battery on the meter and he said it was fully charged.  It was getting close to dark so I figured I would get back to my cousins and have just enough time to install the battery in the car and be able to start it.  Well I hooked everything up, checked my self twice, and after the battery was installed I tried to start the car.  The lights in the car were still a little dimmer than normal and it made a fast clicking noise when I tried turning it over plus the dash lights were blinking along with the clicking.

I don't know what to think or do at this point.  I just want to cry because nothing ever seems to go my way.  I've changed the way I live my life and seem to be going in the right direction.  However, I still seem to come out on the short end of the stick.  As a result, my mood has went from being stable all day to feeling both depressed and hypomanic.

I call what I'm experiencing right now a mixed episode because I'm both manic and depressed.  I feel like a big piece of crap, worthless, and have been crying a lot.  At the same time I'm very hypersexual and feel like I need to do something to let some steam off and give me immediate gratification.  I would like to hook up for some no strings attached sex or I could just take all this anger inside of me and let somebody  have it.  Both would feel good for about five minutes and then I'd be back to just being depressed.  It's late out but I think I need to take a walk through the neighborhood until these mixed feelings are gone.

Day 83 "Feeling Better Today And Looking Forward To Tomorrow"

Today has been a pretty good day.  I haven't had time to be in a bad mood.  Our house was full of visitors today supporting my Mom.  She has been really depressed since her accident and I have been depressed as well  because nobody was coming around.  Until these last few weeks I didn't understand the power of prayer.  However, I've heard so many people talk about how God will answer your prayers.  Well, I've been talking to God and asking him to guide my family in the right direction, especially my Mom.  More people have been coming around  and calling which is helping to raise my mom's spirits.  She actually had a smile on her face today and I haven't seen one of those in over two weeks.  Thank You Lord for hearing my prayers!

Well, it looks like I'm going to be able to get my car fixed this week due to the generosity of my Mom.  She doesn't have the cash on hand but is letting me use her credit card to get the parts I need.  She told me to get what I need  which makes me happy that my car will be running.  However, it makes me feel upset because I can't pay her back right now because of having no income.  My entire life my parents have always made sure that their kids had what they needed whatever the cost.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I'm going to go with my cousin to see my Aunt and Uncle.  I always enjoy being around them.  They both are very supportive of me especially my Aunt.  She always encourages me and takes an interest in what I'm doing.   My uncle has a really nice 2010 Dodge Ram truck with about six thousand miles that he doesn't take out very often and a lot of times will take it out for a ride when my cousin and I come over.  I'm hoping tomorrow is one of those days where he wants to take the truck for a ride.

2010 Dodge Ram 1500 TRX 4x4.  Click to enlarge photo.

Day 82 "Self Awareness Is Key To Stabilization"

Today has been an average day for me.  I don’t feel as low as I have the last few days.  Today I was able to get outside for a little bit in the evening and even mowed some grass using a push mower.  I also followed my diet today and ate a little healthier than I have been.  Before I started treatment for bipolar I was following my diet and sticking to it very well.  Once the medications started I was so tired that I just didn’t care.  However, I’m slowly getting back on track with it. Some days are better than others.  I could also describe my bipolar that way, some days I feel positive and others I’m really depressed.

I think I tend to sabotage myself and cause a lot of my depression.  For example, I sabotage myself by not letting go of the past and as a result have a hard time looking positively at the future.  I also sabotage myself by isolating myself from people because I think my life is a lost cause.  Another way I sabotage myself is by giving into anger that results in me acting out and talking inappropriately.  I also frequently get caught up doing things on the computer at night which interferes with me getting to bed at a descent time.  There are a lot of nights where I only sleep for three or four hours.

So I need to be more aware of my actions and think about the consequences both good and bad.  If I stay up till 4am in the morning on the computer what effect is that going to have on me the next day?  If I don’t accept my past and move on, what effect is it going to have on my overall well being and future?  When I isolate myself what effect does that have on my relationships with friends and family?  Finally, if I can’t control my anger what kind of effect is it going to have on me as well as the people around me?

I can’t answer all the questions above but need to start thinking about the answers to them.  I’m going to make a list of ways in which I think I sabotage myself and try and answer what effect those behavior have on me.  I ‘m then going to work on coming up with some new coping strategies that will allow me an alternative behavior which hopefully keeps me from being depressed.  This self awareness might possibly help me to become a little more stable and have fewer ups and down.  I was definitely mistaken, at the beginning of my treatment plan, in that I thought I was going to take a couple of pills everyday and everything was going  to be OK right away.  This journey has made me feel like I have to completely reprogram the way I interact with myself; definitely a long process!

Day 81 "Depressed, Not Knowing What My Future Holds"

I did finally get a good night's sleep but once I got up and took my pills I just went back to bed and slept until late afternoon.  Everyday has been different since I started treatment for my bipolar.  One day I feel good and the next day I feel bad.  I've heard some people say that it takes years to stabilize and they go through many different medications to get there.  Today has been a low kind of day for me.  I haven't had any thoughts of hurting myself  but I have been really down all day. 

I'm 41 years old and have no running car, no medical insurance, no job, and an illness that a lot of people won't accept.  I haven't worked a full time job in almost three years.  The reason I'm not still at that job is because of my bipolar.  I was having mixed episodes when I walked out of that joke and had been manic for  about a year prior to the start of having mixed episodes.  I'm happy that I'm getting treatment now and but how am I ever going to support myself.  

If I'm approved for SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) I will get roughly $1066 a month.  I applied in June and was denied at the end of July.  If I fight the denial it could take a year or more and if I get a lawyer they'll get 25% of whatever back pay I would collect.  I'll never be able to own a home, buy a nice car, or be able to take a nice vacation.  I know what needs and wants are and understand that you don't always get what you want.  I just had all these dreams as a young boy that lasted up until it was suggested I may want to apply for Social Security.  When my therapist suggested disability all those dreams stopped.

Now, I could start applying for jobs and try to find something full time.  However, I've hired a lot of people in my day and already know what will happen.  The first thing a future employer is going to ask is why I have so many employment gaps.  Secondly there going to want to know why the jobs I had ended.  I've had three really good jobs and was terminated from two and walked out from the other.  Lastly, I now know that most of my jobs ended because of bipolar disorder and a lot of employers won't take the risk of hiring someone with a mental disorder.

I have known since I was a little boy that I was different.  I always felt like I was behind everyone no matter how much I tried.  Making friends always happened easy but keeping them was difficult for me.  It's because of all this that I sometimes feel like I'm damaged goods!

Day 80 "What I Need"

Today it has been 80 days since I've started medication for my bipolar disorder.  Some days I feel Like I've made great strides and other days I feel like I did the first day.  Today I had a therapy session and we talked about the different consequences I face when do or act out certain behaviors.  My therapist used a car as an example saying that there would be consequences if I put too much gas, the wrong kind of gas, or used diesel fuel in a gas engine.  So my assignment for next visit is to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit when I'm manic and depressed and list the consequences each behavior has keeping in mind the automobile example.  In any event I couldn't answer my therapist today when  she was asking me about the consequences of my actions.  I felt stupid!

Again today I was feeling a lot of anxiety about my Mom, not having an income, having no hope for the future, not getting enough sleep, and having to take all the medication I do.  My speech was very slow because of the higher dose of Seroquel but I also felt hypomanic.  So if I'm correct I was possibly having a mixed episode because I was having highs and lows at the same time.  Right now I feel OK but I'm still worried about everything.  The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is whether applying for disability is the right thing for me verses finding a full time job somewhere.However, I don't think anyone will hire me because of all the gaps in my employment.

Truthfully what I need is to fight to get disability.  Then I need to concentrate on diet and exercise.  It would be nice to lose about 150 pounds.  After I get my disability approved and get working on my weight I need to come up with and work on coping strategies to combat my hypersexuality, bulimia, and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  I have a long journey ahead of me to fight but I need some time.  I would love to have a full time job but I know from past experience that I'll end up failing    .  

Day 79 "Maybe I'm Not Doing As Good As I Thought"

Yesterday I was feeling better and not so depressed.  I felt like I was becoming more stable.  I was handling things that needed to be done and feeling better about myself.  I actually was in public around people and didn't feel as if I was going to have an anxiety attack.

Well, today is totally different in terms of my mood, anxiety, and general outlook on everything.  My mood is really low, my anxiety is off the chart, and I have no hope for my future or my Mom's.  She is very depressed and feeling really sorry for herself.  I've been making her food, making sure she takes her pills which is a chore all in itself, and helping her to get in bed at night.  I've been trying to help her as much as I can.  However, my daily dose of Seroquel was raised last week from 300mg XR to 600mg XR.  It has done me a lot of good but I'm still getting used to it and all I want to do is sleep and my vision is a little blurry with it.  I figure that in a few weeks the side effects I'm having will go away.  I just feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends.  I'm taking all my medications as directed but I can't get to bed at night and only end up with like four or five hours of sleep.  I feel like I'm going to have hypomanic episode if something doesn't change.

I feel like I've been abandoned by my two brothers where my Mom's concerned.  The car crash was a week ago this past Saturday.  My little brother has called her maybe three times and my older brother hasn't called at all.  However, his wife did bring over some soup about a week ago.  My Mom has had a few visits from the neighbors and her brother.  The only person that has been coming over whenever she can is my cousin but she has a busy schedule just like everyone else.

I guess I'm just angry because everybody takes me for granted.  Everyone in my family thinks I should be out looking for a job and really can't grasp the fact that I'm bipolar.  So, since I'm not working it's OK for me to handle everything.  I love me Mom even though we get on each other's nerves a lot but I could use a break.  I have been working so hard to change things for myself  and that has been like a full time job.  My cousin has a cabin booked near Hocking Hills in late October and invited me to go along as her guest.  We have actually been to this cabin before and it's wonderful and very private.  Well, she informed me that she's not going to cancel the reservation if my Mom's not well enough to take care of herself and is going alone.  The reservation was made in February and I've been looking forward to this little get away so much.  Anyway, I'm not trying to complain I just feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place.

Day 78 "Another Pretty Good Day, I Actually Cooked"

Early this morning I tried to view the Perseid Meteor Shower because this morning was the peak.  Two meteorologists and a number of web sites predicted that if the sky was clear and dark it would be possible to see between 50 and 100 per hour in the pre dawn hours.  Well, at 3 in the morning I drove about thirty miles south of my house into the country and found a really dark place, pulled off along side of the road, got out of the car, and looked up in the northeast sky for two hours.  I saw one really good shooting star that had a long tale and four or five others that were faint.  Needless to say I was a bit disappointed.

 

Today has been a pretty good day for me.  I don’t feel on top of the world and I’m still really worried about my Mom but I’ve been able to function pretty good.  I cleaned the kitchen without any help and did a good job.  My Mom actually told me how nice it looked.  She’s pretty critical about cleaning and especially her kitchen.  I also did some banking and grocery shopping for her this afternoon and didn’t have any anxiety over being with the general public.  It’s odd, I seem to do better when I’m in control.  When someone else is in control whether it be work or just any old task such as sweeping the sidewalk I tend to have a lot of anxiety and end up doing something wrong or just not doing it at all.  I never really thought about this until now but does this mean that I can’t take authority?  No, I think that I just function better when I manage myself.  Maybe this is the reason I’ve always wanted to own my own business.

 

I have decided that to control my bipolar I need to do something that I enjoy doing each day. I enjoy cooking and since my Mom can’t really do it I thought that today I would cook something.  I’m of Romanian descent and thought I would make a Romanian dish especially since my Mom is full blooded Romanian.  As a child and teenager my Grandmother taught me how to make some of the dishes she grew up on as well as my Mom.  My Grandmother and Mom both came from poor families but always had food on the table.  One of the dishes that my Grandmother taught me how to make was Mamaliga and Cheese (brick cheese is the best) which is basically Mush.  It was cheap to make and very hearty.  Here is the recipe that I made.

 

Mamaliga And Cheese

 

Ingrediants:

• 2 cups yellow cormeal
• 5 cups water
• 2 teaspoons salt
• ½ stick butter
• 1 pound brick cheese

Directions:

• Let the water boil, then cut the fire to low.
• Put corn meal in the center of the pan to form a peak like a pyramid.
• Put in salt and let it cook gently for 20 minutes.
• After 20 minutes take off the heat.
• Pour some of the water into another pan without letting any of the cornmeal out of the pan.
• Use a wooden spoon and start mixing the cornmeal, If it needs more water you can use some of the   water you poured out earlier.
• Add the butter in to the mixture as your stirring it.
• Get a casserole dish and spread a layer of the mixture on the bottom.
• Grate the brick cheese and place a large amount over the cornmeal mixture.
• Place another layer of the cornmeal mixture in the casserole dish.
• Top that layer with a large amount of the brick cheese.
• Depending on the size of the casserole you may have more layers but the last layer should be cheese.
• Bake in a 400 degree oven for 15 to 20 minutes.

Here is an old Romanian recipe I found that my recipe is a variation of.

 

Click the picture to enlarge.

Day 77 "Depression Is Lifting Again"

Today has been a little better for me in terms of depression.  I haven’t felt so overwhelmed today like I have this past week.  I finally feel like my nurse practitioner made the right choice in raising my Seroquel 300mg XR dosage to 600mg XR.  The new dosage isn’t masking reality for me but helping to lift my depression.  The reality is easier to deal with when the depression isn’t there.  I’m extremely worried about my Mother’s health and have to be strong for her to recover.  Because my depression is lifting I’m able to be stronger for her.

Last week my aunt who is a registered nurse with over 45 years experience asked me if I would let her know what my bipolar treatment plan was.   I made her copies of my weekly tracker, listed all my medications and the times I take them, and wrote her a letter.  Today she called and first spoke to my Mom about her injuries then she wanted to speak to me.  She told me that she was impressed with the detail that I put in to my weekly tracker and said that I should share that with my therapist and nurse practitioner.  She said that my treatment plan looks really solid and that if I follow it I could possibly get off of some of the medication down the road.

Well, in an effort to do something I enjoy that will hopefully make me feel good I’m going to try and watch the Perseids MeteorShower in the early morning hours of Monday August 12, 2013.  They say this should be a great year for them because a fat crescent Moon should be setting just when the shower is revving up.  I read that if the sky is dark enough I could possibly see 50 to 100 shooting stars an hour.

Day 76 "Depressed And Worried About My Mom"

Today my mood has been really low.  I slept just about all day.  I was just depressed and upset about my Mom.  She sustained a broken pelvis in the car accident she was in last Saturday and I worry she’s never going to be right again.  The doctor told her that it would take about six to eight weeks to heal but that’s just an estimate.  Mom and I don’t always see eye to eye on things and sometimes argue about the dumbest things but we both love each other a lot and I just want her to get better.

I read that a broken pelvis is one of the most serious conditions a victim of a vehicle accident can endure.  The pelvis is the ring-like structure of bones at the lower end of the trunk which cradle and protect the lower digestive tract.  Even a small fracture from an accident can cause the victim unbearable pain.  More severe breaks do not only affect the bone, but can damage the delicate internal organs shielded and protected by the pelvis.   The pelvis takes a great deal of time to heal, and during that time eating, moving, and sleeping often become sources of agony.  The healing time for a broken pelvis is anywhere from 6 to 12 weeks depending on the overall health and age of the person affected.

Facts about a broken pelvis

• Almost 60% of all broken pelvises are caused by high impact vehicle accidents.
• Victims of fractured pelvises usually have peripheral injuries such as head, chest, abdomen, and genitourinary trauma.
• Multiple organ damage is also a common aspect of broken pelvises, and 40% of people die of hemorrhaging.
• Overall, the fatality rate for pelvic fractures is estimated to be as high as 55%.
• Surgery generally follows broken pelvises between 24 to 72 hours after the accident.

Treating a broken pelvis is a very expensive regimen of rehabilitation and medication.  Many X-rays are needed, and depending on the condition of the victim and the severity of the injury, surgery is often a requirement to repair the damage.  Screws, bolts and metal plates facilitate the healing of the bones, but do not make the recuperating process any easier for the victim.

Treatments for fractured pelvises

• Bed rest.
• Pain control management of symptoms.
• Isolation of potential complications such as deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, constipation, and infection.
• Proper nutrition rehabilitation.

So from what I've read my Mom has a long road a head of her to recovery.  As hard as it is for me to take care of myself I need to help my Mom by doing the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, doing her laundry, making sure she eats, and takes her medications.  I hope that Guardian Angel that was with her the day of the accident is sticking around for a while. 




Normal pelvis. Click to enlarge.



Broken pelvis. Click to enlarge.

Day 75 "Hypomania All Day Today"

Today has been a hypomanic day for me.  Due to my Mom being pretty much helpless I haven’t been sleeping very well.  I have been sleeping with an eye and ear open in case something bad would happen.  I’ve noticed that the decrease in sleep is causing me to be a little manic.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to get everything done.  Today I mowed the grass, cleaned two bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors, and did two loads of laundry.  That was all for my Mom and I have yet to do my laundry.  Thank goodness I can do all mine in one load.  Anyway, I have been  hypomanic today and I would say that lack of sleep is the reason for it.  On average I sleep ten hours a night and when I get below the eight hour mark I tend to become hypomanic or have a mixed state.

Had I not had to do all those things for my Mom today the hypomania might have not been so good.  When I’m hypomanic I need to do something which results in some sort of release.  If I have a plan to do a bunch of activities, yes I may be hypomanic but I get a bunch of things done or get to do a bunch of activities.  The release for me is that I feel great that I got so much accomplished.

Had I nothing to do today and only slept six hours that would be a red flag for me that I may be in for some hypersexual behavior.  Before I was medicated I would most likely look at porn on the computer and place personals on Craigslist looking for sex.  This activity would take place whenever I had less sleep.  I would spend hours placing ads and waiting for replies.  There were times when I would look for sex up to ten hours.  The release for me was when I would meet someone.  However, a lot of times I would spend all night looking and come up with nothing which would make me very angry.

There are a lot of times when I've have mixed states.  I tend to be down on myself, depressed, have no hope for my future, isolate myself, and feel a lot of anger.  With that said I can be hypomanic, hypersexual, and depressed all at the same time which makes it ten times worse when I can’t get that release I need.  I end up getting a little psychotic sometimes.

Since starting Lithium 900mg per day the severe mania I was having pretty much stopped.  I have had a few instances of being hypersexual since starting Lithium but I have been able to stay away from Internet porn and haven’t wanted to place ads looking for sex.  However, on Lithium alone I became deeply depressed.  I was then prescribed with Seroquel 300mg XR and that started helping me feel less depressed.  After about a month my dose was raised to 2 300mg XR tablets and its making me feel even less depressed. 

In therapy we have been talking about what triggers certain behaviors I do.  For the most part I can tell you what the main triggers are that cause me to do certain things but I want to dig a little and find those secondary triggers.  Mania in its minor forms includes heightened feelings of well-being, increased alertness, drive, inflated self-esteem, and extensive sociability.  In addition to a general elevation of mood, instability is typical.  Irritability may easily be evoked and other mood states such as anxiety or sadness, fleetingly but intensely expressed, may become apparent.  In mixed states pronounced symptoms of both depression and mania either coexist or alternate during different periods of the day.  As mania deepens over activity and over talkativeness become more obvious.

Day 74 "Stable Day, Back On Diet"

Today has been an over all pretty good day.  I wasn't happy nor was I very sad.  I have followed my diet for three days in a row and that has made me feel a little bit better about myself.  I had started losing weight in February and up to being diagnosed bipolar 1 in May I had lost 33 pounds.  I have always been heavy and losing this weight was and is a big deal for me.

After I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 and started taking medications my weight began to fluctuate which caused me a lot of concern.  I was so upset that I might gain all the weight back that I almost didn't go through with my treatment.  I've always wanted to be skinnier and I was finally on my way there and then bipolar happened.  Well, if I don't follow a treatment plan my life is over.  I definitely won't be able to hold a job and I'll never be able to get approved for SSDI.  So the only choice for me is to learn how to deal with it.

My diet isn't perfect but it's better than no diet at all.  I don't drink any kind of soft drinks and drink about a gallon of water a day.  This is good for weight loss plus it helps keep my body from becoming dehydrated which could cause Lithium toxicity.  I'm not a big fan of vegetables so I drink a can of low sodium V8 juice every day which counts for two servings of vegetables.  I also have tried  both low sodium corn and kidney beans from a can and like them as well.  I also eat a lot chicken, turkey, and tuna fish.  Once in a while I'll buy red meat but I make sure it's very lean. 

I may never be skinny and I may never be cured of my bipolar but I'm going to do whatever I can to control both.  If I don't control them I'm setting myself up for failure.

Day 73 "Communicating in a depressive state....NOT ALWAYS GOOD"

Today, I have felt depressed all day and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Being in a depressive state is horrible.  I sometimes have thoughts about death.  I have very low self esteem.  I have no hope for my future.  I 'm always really tired and can sleep for 15 to 20 hours at a time.  I also don't enjoy doing the activities I once enjoyed.  When I'm in a depressive state anger and irritability sometimes guide my thoughts.  However, the most challenging part of being in a depressive state is trying to communicate with my family, getting them to understand my needs, and the barriers I face.

I try not to communicate with my family when I'm in a depressive state because my family doesn't believe that I'm bipolar.  It's easier if I just keep it to myself.  My mother was told when I was five by a psychologist, I saw regularly, that something was wrong and she told him he was wrong and wouldn't hear it.  She acts like that today when I talk about being bipolar and doesn't want to hear it.  Sometimes she acts like I'm not in the room and walks away.  So since I live with her and am around her a lot I have to try and not talk about it especially when in a depressive state because I get really angry and end up saying lots of hurtful things which I end up feeling guilty about later.

In terms of trying to get my family to understand my needs when I'm depressed is pretty much pointless.  I can't get them to understand my needs when I'm doing good so why would I waste what little energy I have in a depressive state on trying to get them to understand my needs.  I have tried to explain on many occasions what I need to do to remain in control of my life and it always meets deaf ears.  Since I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 I have put myself on a daily schedule which helps to keep me even and my Mom and sister are always changing things up on me even though I've explained to them how it throws me off.  You would think that they would start to believe me and show a little understanding.  I guess they like all the angry hurtful things I say and do.

The barriers I face are being unemployed, having no medical insurance, and a family that refuses to see what I'm going through.  As long as I don't bring it up we can get along but as soon as the word bipolar comes out of my mouth everything goes down hill.  It hurts but I don't really care anymore what my family thinks.  The only thing that matters to me right now is getting stabilized on my medications and learning to control this illness and not let it control me.  Maybe then my family will see that everything I'm doing is for my own good.

Day 72 "Trying To Regain Some Normalcy"

If you've been following along you know that the last few days have been pretty horrible for my family as well as myself.  I've done a good job of being there for everyone but when I'm alone I've binged, purged, had thoughts of death, all at the same time which is a mixed state.  Yesterday I started on a higher dose of Seroquel which is supposed to help me sleep better, relax, and mostly work to reduce reduce my depression.  Well, today has been a little better for me.  I'm still depressed about myself and everything that happened this weekend but I seem to be in more control today which makes me feel more content.

I'm having to pick up a lot of the slack at home since my Mom is no position to do anything besides sit in a chair which is challenging but I'm managing.  I've had to make myself a daily schedule so that I don't forget to do something or do the wrong thing.  Tonight I had to do the grocery shopping and if I wouldn't have made a list it would have taken me six hours and I would have bought all the wrong things.  However, it went pretty smooth and I remained in a pretty good mood.  Tomorrow I have to get softener salt for my Mom's water softener and I have to take her to see her doctor in the afternoon.  As long as I keep myself  a schedule I think everything will work out fine. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and work in the yard after we get back from Mom's doctor appointment.  I need to mow and there are a ton of weeds that need to be pulled.  I think the yard work will do me good and help me to get my mind back on a positive track.  I also will be eating better following my diet on SparkPeople.  I didn't buy any junk food at the grocery store tonight and have no money to go and buy any so diet it is.  Once I get my diet back on track I 'm going to start getting in the habit of exercising.  I like to bike but I've thought about walking and maybe even running.  Hmmm, maybe a combination of the three would help me stick to exercising better.   I just know that I would prefer not to be on blood pressure medication and diet and exercise is the way to accomplish that.

Day 71 "Seroquel Adjustment Today"

So, as of tonight, I'm up to 600mg Seroquel xr.  I went to see my nurse practitioner/pdoc and she upped my dose because I was having mixed states the last few days.  I was binging and purging which I do when I’m manic and I was really depressed and not caring about anything all at the same time.  She left my Lithium at 900mg a day and Klonopin at 3mg per day as well.  I really like how the Klonopin takes away some of the anxiety I have but I did tell my nurse practitioner I wish I could have had something a little stronger this past weekend after getting news that My Mom, sister, and her entire family were in a horrible car crash in an intersection where many have been killed before.

Even though I wasn’t in the car accident I can’t shake the racing thoughts I’ve been having about the accident and what my Mom looked like when I first saw her in the hospital after the accident.  All I can think about is that I could have lost her.  It’s hard enough looking at your parents some days and watching the aging process but when you see your only parent laying on a back board, in a neck brace, with bruises all over them and not knowing what all is wrong, it can be very traumatic.

Anyway, I feel very conflicted about taking all these medications.  When I look down at the pills I think “god this is strong, mind-altering stuff” and I just want to stop taking all of it.  At other times I think “wow this stuff is miraculous and is helping to stabilize my bipolar so much”.  I guess I should be grateful that I live in a time where there is choices in treating bipolar.  Fifty years ago I probably would have ended up in a mental ward somewhere.  I actually had a cousin who in the 1940’s was placed in the county home due to mental illness.  Maybe he was bipolar.  

Today my mood has been very down.  I’ve thought a lot about death and dying.  All I’ve wanted to do is sleep all day and have had no hope for my future at all.  I also binged and purged this evening for the second time in less than a week.  I realize that most of this behavior has to do with everything that’s happened with my family so I’m not going to just say that my treatment isn’t working.  What I am going to conclude is that I’ve had a bad weekend, life happens, and hope the new amount of Seroquel helps.

Day 70 "Took Steps Backwards Today"

Today I feel like I'm back at day 14 when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.  Today my mood has been horrible, I've had a thoughts about death, I've binged and purged, and I just want to be alone.  I have felt like a total failure all day and today bipolar has won.  Today I felt defeated in everything I attempted and the more I felt defeated the more I became both manic and depressed.

Tonight I looked at Internet porn and even could have had a hookup had I wanted one.  I became more hypersexual as the depression set in.  I think the porn and anonymous sex gives me this quick rush of adrenalin  that tramps on the depression and makes it go away for a few minutes.  It's the same thing when I binge and purge.  For those ten or so minutes when I'm binging I feel in control because I know that I'm working up to that release which is a quick rush of adrenalin.

I have coping mechanisms that I have in place for when things happen like this but today nothing worked.  There were too many variables that played against me.  My car needs fixed, I broke my $800 Nikon camera, my Mom and sister's car accident, and me having to take blood pressure medications.  It's just been a really bad weekend and all I can do is promise myself that I'll try and make tomorrow better. 

Day 69 "Today Was Horrible For My Family"

This blog is about me and my day to day  struggles with bipolar disorder.  Today my mood went from being almost stable down to being really depressed back up to almost stable again in a matter of hours.  This happened because I got a call from my cousin today that my little sister, her immediate family, and my Mom were broad sided on the passenger side by a woman who ran a red light at a dangerous intersection.  Nobody saw it coming and my sister's vehicle flipped two or three times after impact.  Everyone was taken to the Emergency Room by ambulance and my Mom and sister both had the most damage.  My sister has broken ribs and my Mom has a fractured pelvis and is very sore.  The doctor said it will be around six to eight weeks before either one of them will be back to normal. 

I did a really good job of holding myself together but am now sitting here balling.  There had to be a guardian angel in that vehicle with them today looking out for them.  Just four months ago a young man was killed at the same intersection because of someone running a red light.  I'm just glad that everyone is ok.  My family could have all suffered the same fate.  I just know that something or someone was looking out for them today and all I can say is Thank you!

My father passed away over three years ago and since he's been gone I worry horribly about my Mom.  I feel this sense of responsibility and the scene that happened today has played out countless times in my head.  The only difference is that in my head everyone dies.  I have told this to a few people and they've all told me that I need to stop trying to carry the burden for everyone else and live my own life.  This makes it even tuffer because I keep saying to myself "what if I would have beeen driving her", "what if she would have just stayed home."  All these scenarios keep going through my head but I just need to let them go and realize that GOD has a plan for each and every one of us.

Well, I'm going to sign off here and try to sleep a little.  I didn't take my Seroquel  till just about an hour ago and I hope I can fall asleep.  I'm going to have to be awake tomorrow to help my Mom when she needs it.  The poor thing is so bruised up and has a hard time getting comfortable.  They did give her some pain medication that knocked her out.  I'm thankful for that!

Day 68 "Had A Tooth Extraction And Denied SSDI Today"

Today my mood has been pretty normal all day.  I had a tooth extraction and was a little moody in the afternoon but I was in pain which I think anyone would have been.  I ate a soft diet and and had a lot of fluids and kept the extracted tooth area packed with gauze all day.  Other than that I slept all day and kept off my feet.  They gave me some mild pain medication for this but I haven't had to take it.  It just feels so good to have this tooth out that's been infected more times than I can count.  Here are the instructions I got when I was discharged to go home.



Click to enlarge.

Today, I also received notification from the Social Security Administration that both my applications for SSDI and SSI had been denied.  I looked back through my notes and it only took them 43 days from the time of application to denial.  I thought they would have required me to get a medical evaluation by one of their doctor's.  I call the lady that prescribes me my medications my psychiatrist but in reality she is a nurse practitioner.  My therapist/counselor told me she couldn't fill out the Social Security paperwork for me until I had seen her six times and three times for the nurse practitioner.  Well this next time I see my therapist/counselor it will be time number 5.  Furthermore, my nurse practitioner doesn't really want anything to do with or care why I am the way I am, she just wants to administer and monitor the medication.  I hear that you can get a copy of your records on CD and I'm going to look in to that.  I'm very curious as to what's in my file.  Here's a copy of part of the denial letter I received today.




Click to enlarge.

Day 67 "The Fire Inside"

Deep beneath my skin to the deepest part of me,
There is a fire burning, with extreme intensity.
I can feel each flame burst through my body each and every day.
Oh how I thirst for peace at night When in bed I lay.
The anger and hurt a wrath of anxiety.
It takes every whit of my vigor to be social and step out into society.
It doesn't matter where I resort Or what I may consummate,
It seems like all eyes are on me, Just waiting to gossip, or simply aggravate.
Oh gods tell them to let me be,
To live their own lives rectify their own immoralities.
How I crave to feel free,
To not harbor bad feelings and negativity,
Those which have led me to appear tainted and full of grief.

 
by Joann E.

 

I found this poem while going through some papers tonight and thought I would share with everyone.  Everyone will have their own interpretation and my thoughts were before I was being treated for my bipolar.  The fire that constantly used to burn inside of me was failure because I never finish what I started, I lost every job I had because of stupid choices, I alienated all my friends and family, and I talked to people horribly.  Sometimes I would do inappropriate things.  All of this fire ate at me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and my brain never felt rested.

 

I am now being treated with medication and therapy dealing better than I ever have and all that never ending fire has turned to optimism for me.  I have had to accept and let go a lot of my past and move on.  If I wouldn't have done that the fire would have eaten me a live.  I still have a lot of bad days and getting used to all the medications is the most horrible thing I've ever went through but in life I have to move forward and stop dwelling on the past.

 

Today my bipolar has been pretty stable for the most part.  I took all my medications as scheduled and while I'm still a little worried about my Lithium levels I know my body will tell me when there off.  I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm going to ask her if she'll send me for a blood test because of the blood pressure medication I'm now taking.  Chances are there won't have to be any adjustments but there's also that chance that the blood pressure medication has caused my Lithium levels to change.  Everyone might think I'm being OCD but it's better to be safe than sorry.