Day 127 "Still Feeling Like I'm Balancing Out"

Last night I had another pretty good night of sleep.  I think I got around seven hours and was happy with that.  My mood today was OK and I had no anger.  Today was another day where I felt like I was balancing out a little.  I'm going to try and stay optimistic about it but I know there's a chance that in a few days everything could go bad again.  In the meantime I'm going to try and concentrate on my eating habits, exercising, and my daily tracking.  it's been a good month since I last tracked.  How am I going to be able to look for patterns of moods and behaviors that effect my bipolar if I don't keep track. 

The tracker I was using did the job but I needed something a little more personalized.  In addition to my mood chart I needed to keep track of problems I sometimes have so that I can identify when I'm going into a manic, depressive, or mixed episode.  Doing this will help me to come up with better coping strategies so that I can be in control.  Here is a copy of my latest tracker.

Most recent tracker.  Click picture to enlarge.

Day 126 "Starting To Balance Out"

I've been very mixed the last week or so mostly manic but some depression along with it.  Last night  I slept for eight hours and got up this morning with no problems.  This is the first good night of sleep I've had in days and it felt great.  I feel like I'm starting to balance out on the new medication and I so far there are no major side effects to report.

My overall mood today has been positive and upbeat.  I went for a ride with my cousin and did a little hiking in and area we call The Falls but is better known as Dundee Falls located in Dundee, Ohio.  Dundee Falls is a series of waterfalls both small and large connected along a by a water way surrounded by large glacier rock.  I hadn't been there in a number of tears and it was really nice to get out and actually enjoy myself. 

Dundee Falls in Dundee, Ohio.  Click picture to enlarge.

Standing in small cave behind the Falls.  Click picture to enlarge.

Tonight I feel like I've had a complete day filled with enjoyment.  Today is the first time in weeks that I've felt optimistic that I'm going to beat this horrible illness.  I just pray that my mood continues to stabilize and that I can enjoy life again.

Day 125 "Today Was A Mix Of Depression and Anger"

Last night I slept for five hours which is the longest I've slept in days.  My mood today was a mix of depression and anger.  I was very down all day and felt like crawling in a whole till I felt better.  However that wasn't an option today as I had yard work to do that I was able to get most of it down.  Also today I was ready to snap at the littlest thing and on three or four occasions I ripped in to my Mom makin us both feel bad.  Sometimes you say things you can  never take back.  I can't wait till I get a medication change  because I've been having a lot of problems and could use some e relief.  That's all I have to say for tonight and am going to bed.

Day 124 "Today Was A Mixed Day"

Last night I did not sleep well and like the last few nights ended up on the computer looking for sex.  I don' understand why when I get stressed my mind goes to sex even though I don't want it too.  However, I know it's all about immediate gratification and sex could give me that.  It's much like binging and purging in the sense that I can at like a total pig, then throw it up and feel like I got to consume everything I wanted without the calories.  However, I do know there are consequences to everything and the the consequence I suffer with most is my anger when I don't get sex or if I binge and purge.  One minute I'm happy because of what I'm doing and the next I'm angry and want to jump off a bridge.  It's a vicious cycle and I just want to get past it.

I called my nurse practitioner's nurse today and left a message for her telling her of my symptoms and I'm hoping she calls me back on Monday with good news.  Ideally I would like to up my dosage of Lithium especially since I'm on the low end of a therapeutic scale.  I don't understand why all of a sudden this hypomania has happened but and why the Lithium isn't taking care of it.  All I can say is that maybe the Abilify causes the Lithium to be a little less effective.  I'm not going to pretend to know but just wait and see what the nurse finds out.  I hope tomorrow things start to calm down.

Day 123 "More Hypomania Today"

Last night I only slept about an hour and a half.  I just couldn't stop the racing thoughts about everything and the hypersexual feelings I was having.  I spent a lot of time on the computer looking at pornography and couldn't stop even though I new it wasn't what I really wanted to be doing.  I would have much rather been in bed getting a good night sleep.

Today I have been thinking about sex all day as well as all kinds of other things.  My brain is in fast forward mode.  Bipolar coerced me on it's roller coaster of ups and downs and I can't get off.  I've also been very irritable today.  When I have times like this I easily explode on people I love and look to pick fights whenever possible.  I kept myself isolated today so that my bipolar wouldn't get in the way of anybody else.

At the beginning of this week I had a Lithium level done and got the test results back.  The results showed that I'm at the low end of a therapeutic dose.  My therapist saw the results and suggested that a higher dose of Lithium may help my hypomania.  I'm going to call my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and see if she can talk to my nurse practitioner about raising my Lithium dose.  I would talk to my nurse practitioner myself but my appointment isn't for three weeks.  I just know that I need some relief.  I'm on week number two of Abilify and I haven't had any side effects since the first week and my depression is going away.  So far this drug is working well with the Lithium and with a little bit more Lithium I might be closer to getting stable.

Day 122 "More Hypomania Plus Anger Today"

Last night a slept for a couple of hours sitting in the computer chair and have been tired all day but fired up to clean and organize.  I haven't been able to stop and have a million ideas racing through my head.  I like the rush I've been having but know that some of the hypomania I've been experiencing is not good and that is the hypersexual behavior I've been dealing with the last few days.  I have felt so impulsive and been looking for encounters on the Internet and looking at a lot of porn.  I know that all of this is part of my bipolar and I'm medicated but I just can't stop.  I talked with my therapist about this today and she told me to get a hold of my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and let her know whats going on in the hopes that my Lithium dose can be raised.  I had my Lithium levels checked this week and the results show that I'm at the low end of therapeutic right now.  I just know that I'm afraid if I don't do something now I'm going to become even more manic.

I also got the results of my A1C test today and my number was 9.2 down from 10.4 that was taken at the beginning of August.  My nurse practitioner had them check my A1C number because I take Abilify and it has the potential to cause or make diabetes worse.  I'm scheduled to get an A1C test done again on October 23rd with my regular doctor and I'm hoping I can get it down further.  I ordered a Blood Glucose Monitor and supplies all from Walmart because they have the supplies pretty cheap.  My Mom has insurance and still pays more than what I paid for less.  I have enough supplies to last me a year if I do a test every morning.  My doctor never said anything about me testing my blood but I've been advised by a number of RN's that it would be a good idea.  

So now I have to work on my diet and eating vegetables.  Eating vegetables has always been hard for me.  I have a hard time getting them down.  My cousin knows that I drink low sodium vegetable juice and suggested I use a blender or food processor and mix some other vegetable in with the vegetable juice to get a good variety.  I think that's a great idea and I'm going to be trying it.  She also suggested freezing fruit and using the food processor or blender to make make smoothies which I'm also going to try.  At this point I'll take my fruits and vegetables any way I can get them.  In addition to eating healthier and checking my sugar I ordered a nice pair of walking shoes because I'm going to start walking in the evenings.  I'm hopeful and optimistic that doing all this will help me lose some weight and drop my A1C number even farther.

Now for the anger I had today.  First off I wa very critical of everyone on the road today and said a lot of things that were horrible about other people.  I was glad that nobody was in the car  with me because they would have laughed and made me even more angry.  It makes me angry because I know it's the bipolar and when it strikes me I just can't stop.  I function best when I'm alone and not around other people.  Tonight when I first started using my Blood Glucose Monitor it wasn't working right so I took it back to Walmart thinking I could exchange and here they won't take anything back that has to do with blood.  Well, there was no sign stating that by the product and when they told me their policy I got loud, said a bunch of bad things to the girl in Customer Service, and shoved the box of the meter I was going to exchange  at her.  I basically exploded and could tell that it was the bipolar causing me to act out in this manner. 

Day 121 "More Mania And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I again didn't sleep and haven't felt tired all day.  I have been very hypersexual all day and again looking for a one night stand.  It's probably a good thing I'm nothing to look at because I would be getting in trouble right now.  At the same time I just keep getting angry and am irritable.  I just feel like I want to go but there's nowhere to go to.

I haven't tracked in over a month and I think its time I start doing it again.  Social Security called me tonight and was asking me questions about my treatment and physical impairment and I think I was a little vague.  Had I been able to look at a tracker I could have been able to be more clear with him.  I did explain to him that I have to write things down or I miss details and mix things up.  Anyway, I talked with him for about fifteen minutes and he seemed like a nice guy.  I did inform him that I have a lawyer and he hadn't got that paperwork yet.  He actually told me to give them a call tomorrow, let them know we talked, give them his fax number, and  let them know to send in some paperwork.  I hope all goes well with the my disability claim so that I can have a little time to devote to myself without distraction.

Day 120 "Manic And Hypersexual Today"

Last night I never went to bed and stayed up all night looking at porn and trying to get a hookup for sex.  I never did find anyone to have sex with me but I cruised the Internet for over ten hours looking for some self gratification.  I haven't had feeling like that since I first started taking Lithium but for some reason Lithium didn't matter.  As the night went on I became angrier because I couldn't get any takers.  I was a little bit psycho about the whole thing.  I had three different sites I mus jumping between plus checking me email hundreds of times looking for a private message.  It just wasn't a good night and I was glad when daylight happened. 

During the day i was just really angry and mean because I hadn't slept and I felt like I could hurt someone.  When I'm like this its best for me to be alone and away from all people.  i have therapy on Wednesday and I definitely need to talk to my therapist about whats happening.  It just makes me so ashamed when all I can think about it sex.  Well, I've been up 37 hours now and I'm going to try and go to sleep.

Day 119 "Uneventful But Good"

I slept well last night and was able to get up without any trouble.  Today I felt good all day and didn't seem to have any medication side effects.  Today was the best day on Abilify I've had to date.  However, my dose goes from 2mg to 5 mg tomorrow so I may experience more side effects.  In any event today is one of the best days I've had in months and I did nothing but mess around on the computer all day and watch television.  I haven't felt like doing those activities all summer and today I was able to keep my attention focused on the television and computer without losing focus to depression.  Maybe Abilify is the drug that's going to help stabilize my bipolar along with the Lithium.  All I can do is remain optimistic by staying positive.  Bipolar is a nasty illness and it feeds off your negativity.

Day 118 "Felt Better Today"

I slept good last night and when I woke up this morning it felt like a normal Saturday.  I laid in bed an extra hour and just enjoyed the morning doing nothing.  I had no fear of death, feelings that I would never get better, or depression.  I haven't woke up on a Saturday morning and felt like that in a long time.  I'm optimistic that I'll have more days like today but I'm sure there will be bumps along the way. 

My cousin picked me up this afternoon and we rode over to her parents and visited with them.  We ended up taking my aunt for a chest x-ray because she has been doing a lot of coughing and feeling bad.  We won't know the results until she hears from her doctor.  We then went for a long drive in the country and stopped and ate at a really nice Amish restaurant.  Everything went well until my uncle ordered a big piece of ham.  He took two bites and had to go to the bathroom to throw up.  After about fifteen minutes of him being gone he returned  and within another five minutes he was back in the bathroom throwing up.  I felt really bad for him and didn't know what to say.  I just told my aunt and cousin that he should probably be drinking something to rehydrate and replace the electrolytes he loses every time he throws up.  My aunt says that he's just bring up food that's stuck in his throat but I'm sure he's also bringing up some mucus as well as liquid.  I've been told that Gatorade is good for dehydration and replacing lost electrolytes.  I'm going to get a few bottles and take them over with me on Monday when I visit him.

There were also two messages on their answering machine that my uncle had done nothing about.  The first message was from the hospital wanting to pre-register him for his Pet Scan this following Tuesday and the second was from his oncologist wanting to make a follow up appointment to go over the results of his Pet Scan.  They were clear concise messages that he should have acted on but acted like he didn't understand them.  I wonder if he doesn't understand or he is just so overwhelmed.  So far he seems so strong but who knows how he's going to be six weeks from now.  I just know that I'm going to be there for him as much as I can.  We will hopefully know more this coming week after he sees the oncologist and I will keep everyone posted.

Day 117 "Another Lousy Day"

I slept OK last night and was able to get up with no problems which is the best part about today.  I have felt off all day.  My head hasn't felt right and even though I was wide awake I still could have went back to bed.  I especially felt today like nothing in my life is ever going to improve.  I know that I may be approved for disability down the road but it's never going to be enough to live comfortably on.  I feel like I will always have to rely on others for support and that makes me so upset just to think about it.  I wish I could get my mind on a positive track because this is getting so old.  I would just like to have one day where I could relax and not worry about my future but I don't see that happening.  In any event, I'm going to now go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. 

Day 116 "Just Another Day"

Last night I slept the first half of the night well.  I woke up about three in the morning to use the bathroom and was up and down several times over the next few hours.  At one point I felt like my heart was racing but don't know for sure.  I ended up sitting up in a chair for a few hours until I felt comfortable enough to lay back down.  I have noticed since I started taking Abilify that I'm not really tired but my head kind of hurts a little.  Today I also noticed a slight tremor in my left hand.  I'm not going to make a big deal about any of this yet and continue to give this drug a chance.

I'm not doing very well with following a diabetic diet at all.  I have never been a big fan of vegetables and have a hard time eating them.  I know I have to learn how to eat correctly in order to be able to control my diabetes but it's just so hard.  When I saw the doctor all he did was prescribe me a lot of Metformin and say he didn't need to see me back for six months.  How is that giving me any sort of guidance on how to control this disease.  He also diagnosed me as being diabetes type 1.5 which I had never heard of before.  I've said it before and I'll say it again that he and his staff have poor customer service skills.  Somehow I will figure how to correctly eat on my own and get this diabetes under control.

I got a letter from Social Security today conforming that I applied for a reconsideration since being denied benefits.  The best part is that I didn't have to do anything now that I have a lawyer.  I finally feel like I have someone on my side.  She told me she'll get everything in order for my case and that I don't have to do anything except ask questions and show up for appointments.  The lawyer gets 25% of my back pay which is totally worth it to me because they're going to do all the leg work.  The only thing that kinda stinks is that it may take up to a year. 

I stopped at my uncle's house today and ha a nice visit with him and my aunt.  He found out that his Pet Scan is going to be this next Tuesday at 8 a.m.  I told him I would take him and that it actually works out good for me because I need to have my blood drawn to check my Lithium level and A1C numbers.  The only problem is that I'm going to have to miss the group session I started attending on mindfulness last week.  This will be the third time they've met and the second time I've missed.  I'm thinking about just dropping out of the group all together because when I gave my uncle my availability I wasn't in the group yet and told him that my Tuesdays were open. 

Day 115 "Did Nothing Today"

Last night I got my Mom out of the house and had dinner.  It was nice to get out and it was also nice to see my Mom starting to move better.  She still needs her walker but is starting to get her ability to walk without it.  I call that the magic of healing.  I'm looking forward to getting her out of the house more.  This weekend Fall begins and to me that means new beginnings.  Summer hasn't been very good for myself or anyone else in my family so in my mind this is a new period and I'm excited about it.

When we got home from dinner last night I had to go to bed right away.  I think my tiredness had to do with starting to take Abilify.  I read that there could be some drowsiness in the beginning but it wouldn't last.  Well I slept for twelve hours but was then able to get up with no problem and was very alert.  That's a big improvement over the Seroquel that I'm really happy about.  I just hope this new medication can help my depression.  In any event I did nothing today and it felt good.  I needed some me time and got it.  I hope tomorrow is as good as today but who knows how I'll feel.

Day 114 "Had A Full Day"

I took my first Abilify after dinner last night and it never made me sleepy.  I was able to sleep the entire night and wake when I needed too.  It was a nice change to be able to get out of bed without any trouble.  When I was taking Seroquel I would have to either roll out of bed or have something to help pull me up.  The only side effect I had with the Abilify was that my heart felt like it was racing a little.  However, it's only been one dose so I need to give it more time before I decide whether it works or not.

This morning I attended a group session that just started on Mindfulness.  The session lasted almost two hours and there's about nine members.  I have a hard time being around people and I'm hoping that I can build some good social skills as well as learn how to be more Mindful.  I don't remember a whole lot but we did do an exercise, kind of like a meditation, where we closed our eyes and the leader instructed us what to focus on.  It was OK if our minds wandered but we were supposed to try and get back to what we were told to focus on.  They also gave us some reading material that I think will help me to do well in the group.  In any event it was a good first session and I look forward to next Tuesday.

This afternoon we took my uncle to the oncologist to find out what his treatment plan is going to be.  The doctor talked for over 30 min and the only thing I got from all of it was that he's going to have a Pet Scan to show exactly where the cancer is.  He said until he has the results of the Pet Scan he won't be able to really tell what stage the cancer is or give any kind of prognosis.  He did say that Chemotherapy and Radiation is probably what is going to happen.  He said my uncle could have surgery down the road to remove the part of the esophagus and stomach where he presently sees the cancer but that a surgery like that requires a long hospital stay as well as a very long recovery period.  He also said studies show that having surgery doesn't have many benefits over the Chemotherapy and Radiation alone.  I just know that there was a lot of information to take in and there's going to be more coming so as of right now I'm just praying that my uncle can have a comfortable end to his life that I hope is years down the road.

Day 113 "Seroquel Replaced With Abilify"

Today I got my wish and was taken off Seroquel but was put on Abilify.  I was told there is less sedation and that it should help my depression which is really bad right now.  I was also told that if I didn't like it we would try something else.  My nurse practitioner seems to listen when I talk and that makes me feel better about the medications I'm taking.

My depression has been off the charts today.  I have been crying on and off all day and I've been arguing back and forth with my Mom.  She has  always had a hard time with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  She thinks that I'm going to get stable and just be able to hold a full time job.  She told me that there's thousands of people that do it everyday so I should be able to do it.  I agree that there's a lot of people that work with their disorder but there's a lot that can't work.  I don't know how it's going to be for me yet as I have a long ways to go before I'm stable.  I just wish my Mom would trust my judgement about my bipolar treatment.

Then there's the diabetes that has me nuts.  My doctor said that I'm type 1.5 which I know nothing about and he didn't bother to explain it to me.  I just know that he scheduled me for an A1C test i a little over a month and a he just put me on medication for the diabetes.  Shouldn't he have scheduled the A1C test for late November or December.  I just don't understand  any of it but I can tell you that I don't want to be on insulin.  The thought of it gives me so much anxiety.  I just hope that my disability claim will be approved  so that I can get medical insurance which takes about 24 months.

Well, I'm going to go to bed because maybe my anxiety will go away for the night.  All I've been doing all evening is stressing about everything and trying to find a simple diabetic diet that is easy to follow.  You would think they would be easy to find but that's not the case.  I have been able to find diabetic recipes but that's a bout it. 

Day 112 "Today I've Been A Mess"

Today Has been a lousy day.  I slept pretty good last night but woke up with a pretty nasty headache.  I haven't had one for a long time and it caught me off guard.  I've also had a lot of diarrhea since starting on metformin for my diabetes and have been dehydrated a lot the last few days.  Tonight I got so worried that I went to the hospital and talked to the nurses in the emergency room about it.  They told me to drink Gatorade to help rehydrate myself and replace the electrolytes I lost.  They said I would be OK but that I should talk to my doctor in the morning.  Well, I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow and we're going to talk.  First off I haven't had a blood draw to check my lithium levels since the first week I was on it.  Since then I've been put on blood pressure medication which I read can increase the toxicity.  Then I'm freaking out because of the diarrhea from the metformin also having an effect on my lithium levels.  I probably have nothing to worry about but it all just makes me nuts. 

So tomorrow when I see my nurse practitioner I'm going to ask her to take me off of the Seroquel because I can't function on it.  It makes me like a zombie and I can't operate the car.  Plus it causes diabetes or can make it worse.  I'm just afraid she's going to try and reduce my dosage and I say why do that when it wasn't working for me at a lower dosage.  I just would like to try something different that has fewer side effects especially diabetes.  Then I'm going to ask her to send me for a blood draw to check my lithium levels.  I've been on the medication since the end of May and with the addition of the blood pressure medicine and medication for diabetes I would say I'm overdue.  I was in the emergency room a few weeks at the end of August and the doctor said I was overdue.  it all makes me angry.  Why hasn't my nurse practitioner been more concerned about my lithium levels knowing all the medications I'm on?  Why didn't my regular doctor do a lithium level test when he did all my blood work knowing that he was prescribing me medication that could cause toxicity?   Sometimes I wish I was a psychiatrist because I would be a little more compassionate and take a little more interest in my patients.  I was a retail manager for quite a while and the one thing that was always stressed was always providing excellent customer service.  Anyway, I could go on forever on how to properly treat people.

Today I went with my cousin over to her Mom and Dad's house for a visit.  My uncle can' hardly swallow at all.  Everything just gets stuck.  My cousin made him some soup like roast that will hopefully go down easy and I took over a blender so that he could make smoothies and milk shakes.  He has his appointment with the Oncologist on Tuesday and then will know what stage the cancer is, the kind of treatment he'll be receiving, and his prognosis.  My cousin is a basket case and my aunt is in denial about the whole thing.  It's been three years since my Dad died from cancer and this experience with my uncle is bringing up a lot of sad memories for me.  All I know is my uncle told me he would be there for me when I started my treatment for bipolar anytime I needed him and I have to be there for him.  I have a bad feeling about everything right now and I'm so hoping that his cancer isn't severe.  My Dad's cancer was all through his liver when they found it and was told that when the chemo stopped working he wouldn't have but a few months left.  My uncle's cancer as far as we know is just in his esophagus and possibly in some lymph nodes.  Anyway, I have to stop talking about for now because I'm just getting myself worked up over things I haven't got answers for yet.

Day 111 "Stressful Day But Ending OK"

I had a difficult time sleeping last night due to the fact that I was nervous about meeting the attorney who's going to represent me in my quest to get approved for disability.  I was about twenty minutes early for my appointment and ended waiting over a half hour because my attorney was with another client.  When I finally got called back in the conference room I calmed down a lot.  My attorney was happy with the paperwork I brought her and said that I made her job a little easier.  She said she could tell that I was OCD by all the information I had for her and the detail I went in to.  In any event I feel a lot better about the whole process because I finally feel like I have support.  So we'll see what happens and I'll keep everyone posted about the process.

Day 110 "Nervous About Social Security Appeal Tomorrow"

Last night I tossed and turned all night but was in bed for almost twelve hours.  I just kept waking up even though I had the windows open and it was a great night for sleeping.  My mood today has been OK but I've been very hypomanic today.  Tomorrow I'm meeting with an attorney in the morning about appealing my disability claim.  I completed their pre interview questionaire and the actual appeal form.  I then found the same appeal form online that I could type then print and I have that for for them as well.  I have a script from my nurse practitioner I'm taking and I also have copies of my last two visits to the doctor's office.  I even debated taking all my pills for them to see.  I feel like I've maybe included too much but I won't know till I actually meet with the attorney in the morning. 

I almost didn't appeal their decision and let it go at that.  The denial letters made me feel like I was some how trying to scam Social Security.  I talked to my therapist and she said I was probably denied because I lacked medical evidence.  I thought about it and she's right.  I was seen over ten years ago for depression and again about six years ago.  I then was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder and quit that treatment after a year.  However, I thought I would at the very least be required to see one of their doctors but that wasn't the case.  They just said that my illnesses weren't severe enough to collect disability.

Summer is almost over and this summer has been the hardest I've ever had to face.  I thought getting stabilized on medications would be easier than it's been.  Taking the medications is easy but the way they make you feel is a whole other issue.  I used to have so many little hobbies I enjoyed but haven't had the desire to do anything.  I do mow the grass with the tractor but even that has been a chore for me this summer.  I want to do so much but I've just felt overwhelmed by it all.  I'm looking forward to fall and the cooler weather.  I'm hoping the change in seasons will have a positive effect on me.  I have a really good friend whom I haven't seen in a year and I'm hoping to get away to see him sometime in the near future.

Day 109 "Today Has Been A Little Better"

Today has been a little better for me.  I was able to get up this morning without any problems.  I did however sleep this afternoon in the chair for about six hours.  I hope that doesn't screw my sleep up tonight.  Sleep is the one thing I enjoy because I can escape the realities of life.  Lately life has been really tough and I'll take any escape I can get.

Next week I start working in a group setting on mindfulness.  The idea is to be able to focus on a subject and be able to pull yourself back to that subject when the mind starts to wander.  I would imagine there is more to it than just that but that's what I was told the group is starting with.  I'm looking forward to meeting with others in a group but am also a little nervous about it.  I have a hard time being in group settings and experience a lot of anxiety.  Hopefully the entire experience will prove beneficial to me.

My uncle finally got a call from the oncologist who will be handling his cancer treatment.  His appointment is the same day as my group session but later in the day.  This is an important day because we'll find out what stage of cancer he has and have a better idea of what kind of treatment he'll receive.  I need to research questions that we need to ask this doctor.  I remember when my Dad was going through his cancer treatment that they encouraged questions and were willing to answer anything. 

Day 108 "Today Has Been A Lot Like Yesterday"

Today has been another day much like yesterday.  My speech has been slurred.  I've been tired all day.  I have felt very slow and in a fog.  I just know I can't wait till I can go to bed and just go to sleep.  I've been dreaming of doing to sleep for he last six hours.  I just feel like a zombie and can't wait for that feeling to be gone.

So today I saw my regular doctor and he put me on medication for my diabetes.  I have no problem taking the medication and am looking forward to getting my A1C number down.  My only complaint is that he wants to draw my blood in six weeks and and that if he doesn't see an improvement he may put me on insulin.  I was under the impression that an A1C number should be checked every three months to get  true reading.  I feel like had he sat down with me right after he got the results of my blood work rather than let me hang in limbo for six weeks then he could order an A1C  test for six weeks from now.  I just feel like my opinion doesn't matter and that this doctor doesn't really listen.  It's very true that when your poor you don't receive the same level of care as someone who is.

Day 107 "Another Low Flat Day"

I slept pretty good last night and only woke up twice.  I slept a total of 10 hours which for me isn't too bad at all.  I find that I function best when I sleep around ten hours.  Today my mood has been pretty flat all day.  I'm neither manic or depressed which is a good thing.  However, my flat feeling is on the low side of the bipolar spectrum.  My movements have been very slow.  My speech has been slow and I've been pretty tired.  I'm guessing its the Seroquel I take that's making me feel this way.  I so can't wait till I'm off that medication and on something else that has less side effects.

Day 106 "Today I've Been All Over The Place"

Last night I slept pretty good but was up and down a lot.  I had to be up early this morning and was able to get up but I've been very tired all day.  I took my uncle to his doctor's appointment this morning with his regular doctor and my OCD kicked in because I was very organized and asked lots of questions.  I felt very much like I was on my A game.  Then I had a period this afternoon and evening where I had a lot of rude outbursts about different people.  I said a lot of horrible things.  My anxiety hasn't been too bad today but I've also felt depressed and have cried numerous times today.  I feel OK for the most part but I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going.  Finally, the most annoying part of today and actually the last week is that I'm drooling a lot which I don't know if it may have something to do with one of my medictions or is a side effect  of the Bell's Palsy I developed about two months ago.  I've read that it can take along time to fully recover from it.

I have a very busy schedule this week and am a little stressed about that.  I have to pick my nephew up from school two days.  On one day I have an appointment with my doctor and then a therapy session across town.  I'm also supposed to go to a group counseling session this week that is focusing on coping skills.  I also may be taking my uncle to meet with his initial visit with the cancer doctor.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I have an appointment with a lawyer on Saturday morning to work on my appeal for disability.  When I don't have a set schedule my anxiety goes into overdrive and it makes me irritable.  I think that may be part of the reason I've been having rude outbursts and feeling depressed but who knows for sure. 

There have been some times in the last two weeks I haven't taken my Seroquel due to the way it sedates me and slows me down. Maybe that's another reason I'm having such a tough week.  I'm pretty sure I have everything in order so far this week but I'm definitely feeling more on the depressive side of the bipolar scale with occasional hypomania.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist on Wednesday to talk about things.  For a while I felt like I was making a lot of progress and maybe I still am but I'm just having a rough time right now.

Day 105 "Hypomanic Today"

I slept again very well last night without taking Seroquel which is a good thing. Today my mood was OK most of the day but I had many instances of saying inappropriate things which made me angry because I couldn't control it.  My whole family thinks it's funny when I have these outbursts and don't understand that it upsets me a lot.  When I act like I did today I feel like I'm having a mixed episode.  I definitely need another drug to compliment the Lithium I'm on.  It just has to be a drug that will allow me to be a person and not a zombie.

Today I had lunch with my Mom, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  My uncle tried to eat his food but had to excuse himself and I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom.  The food gets lodged on the nodule in his throat and he can't do anything but throw it up.  It really worries me because the food we were eating was softer.  It just makes me wonder how big the nodule in his throat really is.  I'm going with him tomorrow to see his regular doctor to be a second set of ears and I have a bunch of questions I plan on asking.  My uncle doesn't seem to be worried about himself as much as he's worried about cleaning out his basement.  When I find out more information I will pass it on.

Day 104 "Less Stable More Depressed"

Today I have been pretty depressed all day.  I didn't take the Seroquel again last night because of how it makes me feel.  The Lithium is still doing it's job at keeping me from being manic.  The Klonopin is also helping me to sleep at night but I'm starting to feel depressed again like I did when I was just taking Lithium.  I was very emotional all day and cried on many occasions over nothing.  My car that I just got running has a gas leak so I thought it would be a good idea to get a pan and save what gas I could from it which was a painless job.  I was sobbing the entire time I messed with the car and I didn't know why.

When I took Seroquel it stopped my crying at all dosages and I even felt good some days but at all the dosages I took I was always slow.  It slowed my speech down a lot.  There were also a lot of times when I would slur my words and drool.  But I think the worst part of the drug for me is the sedation it inflicts.  I was so depressed when I was just on Lithium that for a while I didn't care that I looked and acted like a zombie.  Anyway, I know I'm still going to need a replacement medication for the depression.  I just hope that my nurse practitioner can find me something that won't have as many side effects.  I also think that as long as she doesn't mess with my Klonopin I shouldn't need anything for sleep.  However, I used to take Trazodone as needed for sleep and it had no side effects and it's also a mild anti-depressant. 

Day 103 "A Stable Day For Me"

I slept very good last night and was able to get up this morning without any problems.  Again, this is because I didn't take my Seroquel last night.  I had to be able to drive the car this afternoon and would have never been able to do it safely had I taken the Seroquel.  For me to take the Seroquel and be alert enough to operate a vehicle I would have had to take it at four in the afternoon yesterday before dinner and I've been told to take it two hours after I eat dinner.  It's just not working right for me.

I've been dwelling a lot about it lately and I hope I'm not boring anybody.  I'm one of these people that has to talk myself into making decisions and deciding I don't want to take Seroquel anymore hasn't been an easy decision at all.  It's always sedated me and made me sleep regardless of the dosage but it does help my depression.  I just didn't realize how much driving I was going to be doing and I would rather be a little depressed and alert than not depressed and really foggy.

I see my therapist this week and am going to talk to her about it.  I'm also going to talk to my nurse practitioner's nurse if she's in.  I still have two weeks before I see my nurse practitioner and I was told she's going to be on vacation.  I'm not feeling depressed or manic right now but I feel that if I keep taking the Seroquel intermittently like I have there's going to be a problem.  I started reading about medications online to educate myself and there's so many different options available that it's just very overwhelming.  I just need to be assured that whatever I'm prescribed has less side effects than the Seroquel. 

Today, I spent the afternoon looking for lawyers to help me with my disability case.  I was denied at the end of July and only have three weeks left to appeal their decision.  The first lawyer's office I called asked me what I was diagnosed with and I told the lady bipolar1.  She told me she never heard of that before.  I felt that they were probably the wrong people to represent me.  I called another firm and was interviewed over the phone for about fifteen minutes and they accepted me as a client and I have a meeting with them next Saturday.  I've had mixed emotions about whether I should appeal or not and I just decided that I should give it a try so that I can have some free time to work on myself and get stable.  Besides bipolar1, I have OCD, bulimia, recently diagnosed diabetes, as well as high blood pressure.  I plan on beating it all but if I was awarded disability it would allow me to be able to have an income I could use to pay my own way with while I'm fixing myself.

Day 102 "Another Bad Day For My Family"

Today my mood has been stable but I've been in a low place all day.  I took my uncle to the doctor this afternoon and he found out that he has Esophageal Cancer.  He didn't say a whole lot about it but you could tell that he was shaken up about it.  The prognosis for Esophageal Cancer is very poor at about a 15%  five year survival rate with most patients dying within the first year.  Everything depends on how far along the cancer is and how far in the body its spread.  I don't know all the answers yet but will be keeping my ears open to find out as much as possible.  The doctor today said that his office would be getting my uncle an appointment with an Oncologist as soon as possible so that treatment could begin quickly.

Next to my Dad my uncle is the next most important man in my life.  I have all good memories of him.  When I was a little boy I used to steal his moccasins that he always used to wear.  I have memories of him teaching me how to throw a baseball as a little boy.  I  never was any good but he always made me feel like I was good and getting better.  It doesn't mean anything to anyone else but my uncle bought a really nice truck a number of years ago and I was the first one he let drive it.  He's just always had faith in me and treated me like I was somebody special. 

I'm going to be there for my uncle as much as I can.  He's going to need rides to and from doctor's appointments.  He's going to need help taking care of his yard.  My aunt can't drive anymore and I'm probably going to have to help get her to where she needs to go.  Nobody knows yet what's going to happen and who knows how my uncle will respond to treatment.  I just know that there going to need me and I'm prepared to help them as much as possible.

Day 101 "Another Bad Day On Seroquel"

Today I woke up at 1pm after sleeping for twelve hours.  I then had to go and pick up my nephew from school which was fun because of having to drive.  I did OK but I was so tired.  After I got my nephew we went back to my sister's house and slept for another two hours while my nephew watched a movie.  After his movie was over he woke me up and we went to the park.  We were going to walk a little and then play on the playground.  Well, we walked a little bit and when we got to the playground it looked like it had been destroyed.  There was no way we were going to play there.  So we went back to the car and went to Dairy Queen and had treats.

I had a really nice time with my nephew today and even though I complain about it a lot I really enjoy him.  He treats me like someone he looks up to and it makes me feel really good.  I've been picking him up from school for the last three years and I really do enjoy it.  Since today was such a flop with the playground I promised Matthew I would take him to a better playground next week when I pick him up from school.

Tomorrow is going to be a potential bad day for my family.  I'm taking my uncle to get the results of his CAT scan and biopsy.  My cousin is going to meet us at the doctor's office and I'm hoping she can hold herself together.  My uncle's appointment is at 2:30 p.m. and I'm praying that everything that myself and cousin have been thinking is wrong.

Day 100 "Finally Got My Car To Run"

Today has been another day for me of slowness and depression.  I have been sleeping an average of twelve to fifteen hours a night and can't wait to see my psychiatric nurse practitioner.  I want to stop the Seroquel and go it alone with the Lithium for a while.  I understand that taking away the Seroquel is taking away the medication that was helping my depression but I would rather be depressed than take the medication that makes me so slow that I can't function.  I've been on four different doses of it and I'm now back down to the dosage before the initial dosage that didn't work for me anymore so I say get rid of it.  I will be open to suggestions on other medications that can do the same thing but I won't hear anything more on Seroquel.

Even though today was a not so great day for my mood I still had a little bit of a bright spot.  I got my car running this evening.  I had put a new alternator in it and had the old battery charged.  When I put the old battery in it and tried to start it the battery would just discharge.  So, I got a new battery thanks to my Mom and when I finally got it in the car it started right up.  That was the only bright spot of the day because from sitting all summer the car has a bunch of other issues.  The steering is very stiff and alternates between normal and stiff.  The brakes are totally done for and need attention since they haven't been touched since 2006.  Finally, the worst part of not being driven is that the car leaks gasoline.  I drove it from my cousins house to mine and the car leaked out over a half tank of gas which is about 10 gallons.

My older brother had  promised to help me get the car fixed a few weeks back but sort of backed out.  He told me the goal was to get it up and running quickly so that I would have my own wheels.  I feel a little betrayed and hurt as well.  There have been times in the past where I lent my brother large sums of money and waited years for him to pay me back.  The car needs a lot of work and at this point I don't know what to do.  My Mom wants me to junk it and just let it go but I have this emotional attachment to it because it was left to me by my father when he died.  I just hope it all somehow works out and I can be able to keep it.

Day 99 "Spent The Holiday Alone And Depressed"

Today I was able to get up in the morning and not feel sedated and foggy because of not taking my Seroquel yesterday.  Like I've said before I'm not going to deviate from my treatment plan but yesterday I had to be alert and able to operate a car.  In any event, today my mood was down all day.  I just felt depressed and alone all day.  Nobody from my family came over to my Mom's house today so it was just myself and her.  She is still using a walker and is very depressed herself.  Me and her both being depressed didn't mesh very well today. 

Today in my mind is the end of summer and I feel like I missed out on everything.  I barely went outside and haven't had very much want to do anything.  My car has been broken down since the end of May and I haven't really had a way to get around anywhere.  My older brother recently offered to get my car fixed for me because he has the means and said he wanted to do it but It's been almost two weeks now and I've heard nothing from him.  In any event this summer has been the most difficult summer of my life and I'm so looking to fall.

I like to take pictures and fall is the perfect time for me to get some nice shots.  I just love the cooler weather and all the changing colors.  In late October my cousin rented a two bedroom cabin that we stayed in six years ago and has invited me to go along knowing that I can't afford to pay my way.  I am so looking forward to getting away from home for a few days.  I sure hope that my mood holds up so that I can have a nice time and get some great photos.

Here's a couple of photos of the cabin I will be staying at.

Click photo to enlarge.

Click photo to enlarge.

Day 98 "Mood OK But Lots Of Anxiety"

Today I was able to get up with no problems and have had no sedation or fogginess.  This is due to me not taking my Seroquel last night.  I'm not one about to go against my treatment but I had to be alert today and if I would have taken the Seroquel I wouldn't have been able to function.  I probably would have ended up sleeping twelve to sixteen hours and I would have been a waste to myself and everyone else I needed to be there for today.  My overall mood today was good and I felt stable.  I'm going to continue taking the Seroquel tomorrow but will be seeing both my regular doctor and psychiatric nurse practitioner within the next two weeks and I want to get off Seroquel and try something different.

Today I did have a lot of anxiety the entire day because my uncle has a nodule on his esophagus that was biopsied this past week.  In addition to the biopsy the doctor sent him for a CT scan of his chest and abdomen today.  Nobody knows anything right yet but I have two thoughts.  One, the doctor is trying to rule out cancer with this scan.  Two, the doctor already knows the tissue sample he took from the nodule is cancerous and wants to see if it has spread.  On my uncles paperwork from the doctor that he took to his scan today the doctor had wrote at the bottom something about esophagus metastasis in liver but used abbreviations.  I'm the one who took my uncle to have his throat scoped last week and the doctor said they would be talking after the CT scan.  I felt like he already new something when he made that statement.

After my uncles scan he wanted to go for a car ride.  He likes to drive out in the country and look for deer.  Well, tonight we left when it was almost dark.  I think he just wanted to do something normal to get his mind off of what may or may not be happening.  We stopped at a diner to get a sandwich as none of us had eaten yet.  It was myself, cousin, aunt, and uncle.  We all ordered sandwiches and it was for the first time that I saw my uncle unable to swallow.  Food gets stuck on this nodule and a lot of times he'll throw it back up.  He didn't throw anything up but I could see the fear in his eyes tonight.  My uncle is going to be 82 years old next month and has always been the example of good health.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the nodule is benign and they can just remove it.  However, if he's got cancer I will be there for him as much as he needs me.  Next to my Dad he's a man I have a lot of respect and love for.