“Thanksgiving 2018”

What I'm Thankful for This Thanksgiving 2008

This is what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving! 

• I have been out of work for two years after being fired for breaking company policy in December 2006. 

• I was arrested for DUI and drug possession/paraphernalia this past summer. I rarely if ever drink and the drugs found in my car were not mine. 

• I am on probation for the next year and must find a job as a condition of my probation or face up to six months in jail. 

• I have an eating disorder (Bulimia) which I have been struggling with for over eleven years. 

• I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Bipolar in October of this year. 

I have been seeing my therapist and learning coping strategies so that I can control my bipolar and not become a victim to it. I have went through two alcohol/drug assessments and have seen my probation officer every month as well as trying to find a job. Alcohol & marijuana for me is something that I’ve only ever done when in a manic phase which I come to find out is part of being bipolar. I have been turned down for so many jobs and looked over because of all this crap I have going on in my life. Today I prescreened for a job with GE Capitol online and answered everything the way I should have and was honest and I think because I answered yes to being terminated from a job within the last six years I was disqualified. If it isn’t one thing it’s always another. 

I am a good guy, work very hard, passionate about what I believe in, and doing everything I can to try and get my life on track. I wish someone could just believe in me and give me a second chance. 

Fast forward ten years

That was a posting from Craigslist in 2008 back when I was constantly posting ads for sexual encounters.  I was feeling a lot of self pity and wanted to suck somebody into my world.  I’d like to think I just wanted someone to talk to but 

I’m still not totally sure.  I do know I was lying to everyone including myself about the drugs found in my car when I was arrested for the OVI.  However,  everything else was true.  

Well, fast forward ten years and I’m still very hyper sexual, I still sometimes lie, I still don’t work but am on disability.  However, there are some things that are different in my life now.  I’ve excepted the fact that I’ll always have these problems along with depression and mania.  My life now is still a roller coaster which I’ve been on countless medications over the last ten years to try to control .  I would say I’m semi stable at the moment.  With that said I try to be honest and live my life to a higher standard which is hard at times but it definitely helps with my feeling of self worth.  I’m never going to be cured but I’m going to do what I need to do to stay stable.

I’ve babbled on and feel like my words are all over the place but I can tell you that for 2018 I’m most thankful for life and everything I’ve yet to experience.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Todays visit with therapist"

Today is the first time in months that I've felt in control of my life.  I've finally figured out that I can say no and don't have to offer an explanation.  Just state the facts and move on.  However this is hard and takes a lot of practice.  I've been writing down different scenarios and the way I would handle them.  The most difficult thing for me is to not come across as judgemental.  Coming across as judgemental can be a problem in any situation.  I just have to keep in mind to stick to the facts.  My decisions are not for others to like but accept.

Since my last post I've been pretty hypomanic maybe more manic.  I've averaged about two to three hours of sleep a night and have struggled with taking medication.  I've also been smoking both cigarettes and occasionally marijuana.  While I don't smoke marijuana everyday I have spent around $1400 this summer on it.  Finally, I've been very hypersexual and had a hookup with someone I met online.

So while I'm making progress in how I handle myself with others  I'm still having alot of trouble being able to manage myself.  It's difficult when some days your high then the next your low.  Some days for me it's both which is hell for me as well as the people I'm around.   The ups and downs are very draining and makes it hard to cope. However, the fact that I've made progress with being able to say no is a major accomplishment for me.  All I can do is to keep on fighting.

"NEW MED MORE PROBLEMS"

So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and he's probably going to start me on a new medication to replace the reactions I was having to another new medication called Vraylar. It is similar to Abilify, Serequel, and Latuda.  It seems like I'm allergic to everything and as a result I continue to have mixed episodes.  My doctor says it's looking as if I'm treatment resistant.  Well, what does that mean?  I know medication isn't my cure but without something I'm gonna end up in a bad place.  Furthermore, my psychiatrist did lower my lithium dose which I  thought was a mistake seeing as I was doing better on the higher dose.  I want to know why my lithium was lowered in the first place.  All I know is that today Im gonna find out what exactly treatment resistant means and what happens next.

"THE NEW PUPPY"

First off, I live with my Mom in the same house I grew up in.  Well, my sister and husband decided they needed a puppy for their two children age 5 and 10.  They also thought my Mom needed one as well.  So when they went to pick up the puppies the breeder had the last puppy in the litter who was supposed to be going to another person.  This person apparently never showed up and of course my crazy in love sister bought the last puppy as well.  I think it was all a lie to guilt my sister into buying the last puppy.  So there are now three puppies.

Now, my nephew and niece and their two puppies come to my Mom's house everyday.  The puppies aren't housebroken and my sister wants everything her way.  My Mom and I were on the same page as to how the puppy would be trained and fed.  Well, that's all changed.

We were going to train the puppy to use a litter box on our screened in porch.  We decided this because of the many red tailed hawks we have in our yard and the very small size of the Chiweenie puppy who weighs 2lbs and 2oz.  I've witnessed a hawk swoop down grab a full sized squirrel smother it and carry it off. 

Well my sister said everything would be ok and that the kids will take their dogs out in the yard.  Because of this my Mom is taking her dog into the yard as well.  They won't know what hit them if a hawk swoops down and grabs one of the puppies which each weighs around 2lbs.  It would be very traumatic for everyone

So I'm trying to not get attached to my Mom's puppy.  It's just one more thing to add to the list of things I have anxiety about.  I've lived in the same house for my entire life and dread the day when I'm going to have to move out since there's more owed on the house than it's value.  The house payment is more than I get from SS every month.  My sister would also take the dog to her house.

I want my Mom to live forever but none of us will.  I feel like I'm being selfish but I'm just trying to prepare for the future so that I'll be able to cope when my Mom passes away unless I pass away first.  It's going to be so hard to leave the only home I've ever known and now there's a puppy involved.  I know I'm going to bond with him and with a life span of around 16 years old and my Mom being 74 there's a good chance he'll outlive her.  It would be devastating to lose my Mom, life long home, and a dog all at once.  There would be nothing left in my life.

Well,  I don't want pity from anyone.  I just wish that people would think about how their actions effect others.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar over eight years ago and my family still treats me like I'm just a drama queen.  It's very frustrating. I've been having mixed episodes for the last five months making everything worse.  I could try another medication but the doctor says I'm treatment resistant.  Anyway, I wish people in general could show a little more compassion and empathy for those with a disability  or mental illness.

Switch shoes with a friend or family member for a day and see how they fit and wear.

"I'M STILL HERE"

Well, I haven't posted here since February of 2015.  I'm not going to apologize because this is the one place I can express my thoughts and don't have to answer to anyone.  I don't really care about who follows me or just comes across the blog.  It's just a place where I can write my thoughts and relax.  Now, with that being said It would be nice if someone found this blog that was going through the same issues as me.

As for what I've been up to the last year and a half has been a real roller coaster ride.  I was awarded full disability in July 2015 after a three year process of applying for and being denied several times.  I finally got a court date in April 2015,  went before a judge, had a psychological exam and then awarded full disability.  The whole process was long, exhausting, very intrusive, and very demeaning to me.  The judge wrote in his favorable decision that I had below average intelligence.  Seeing that just hurt a lot. 

Anyway, I now get a monthly check from Social Security and have Medicare and Medicaid.  I would have gotten the Medicare alone but my monthly income being so low qualifies me for Medicaid which is basically welfare.  In any event it's nice to be able to better take care of myself. 

Now onto my mental issues which is by far my least favorite subject.  First off, I've seen two different psychiatrists since I last posted and both have a different approach to treating me.  The first psychiatrist I had was an Osteopath and took a real interest in my overall health.  He was careful about the medications he prescribed and weaned me off the benzodiazapines I was taking which took almost a year.  I felt like I was becoming stronger and he said he could see improvement.  Well after a year of seeing him he was fired because he took too long with his patients.  So much for having a doctor that cares.

So here comes my present doctor.  He's a nice guy but reduced my Lithium dose, raised my Lamictal to the maximum, and put me on Xanax and then Klonopin.  So now I'm back on a benzodiazapine and the last year has been hell.

My moods have been up and down and I have been cycling pretty fast.  I can go from mania to depression at the drop of a hat.  My current diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with mixed episodes.  Since last fall the mania has been horrible.  I have racing thoughts about everything from A to Z and its about big ideas and things that I can't have.  I've spent money on things I don't need, started smoking both cigarettes and pot again.  The worst part is being hypersexual and I just want it really bad and will do anything to get it.  It's just bad and I want it to stop.   All this makes me not want to be here a lot which I've told my Psychiatrist but he kind of brushes it off and sends me on my way.

Well, I could go on and on and on but I won't.  I'm just back, glad to be here at this moment, and going to use this blog to express my thoughts whatever they are at the moment, and hopefully this will help me to cope with my condition better.

"Anniversary Of Grandpa's Suicide"

Today my mood is somewhat depressed but for the first time in a long time I feel steady.  I'm not jumping back and forth from one extreme to another.  Today I've been able to have clear and concise thoughts.  Hopefully I will have many more days like today.  My only hope is  that on those days the clear and concise thoughts I'm having are more pleasant.

On this day in 1971 my Grandpa hung himself in his family home.  I wasn't born for another year but his death has touched everyone in my family.  His children all have trust issues because of his lack of trust and they all detach themselves from the outside world.  This has been passed down to all their children.  It seems like the cycle is never going to end which is very depressing 

My Grandfather was an alcoholic and abusive to his entire family.  He would drink and all hell would break out.  He used to beat both my Grandmother and all his children.  Today he would have been arrested and jailed.  Some of the cruel acts he submitted his immediate family to are hard to believe.  He once went after my Grandma with an axe and beat her with it before chopping all the furniture up.  Another time he beat his six year old son, stripped all his clothes, and then kicked him out of the house in to the cold winter night.

I'm not trying to bash him or judge him for what he did.  I just know that he was an alcoholic and when he was drunk he was a loud, abusive, obnoxious person.  I don't know for sure but I really think he was Bipolar.  I've brought my theory up before but nobody wants to talk about it.  I've also had a hard time with my family accepting my Bipolar Disorder and thought that maybe associating it with my Grandfather possibly having it scares them. 

At this point, I've made a lot of progress and am using what I know about my Grandpa to better myself.  I feel that every situation can offer information which we can use to educate ourselves.  While my Grandfather's death was a tragedy to my entire family I look at his death as a lesson on how not to commit suicide.  Rest in peace Grandpa!



 

"What I Try To Block Out"

Since I last posted my mood has not changed.  I'm still having a lot of depression mixed with states of hypomania.  Hypomania for me is anger, racing thoughts, lack of patience with everyone, anxiety, and hypersexuality.  There's more to hypomania that I experience but it makes me exhausted to think about it.  Today I experienced a lot of racing thoughts about my weight, my diet, how I'm going to make money, and where I'm going to live someday which are thoughts I try to block out because of the crippling effects they have on my brain.

Right now I'm 330 pounds and have a BMI of over 50 which makes me morbidly obese.  I have had a CT scan of my coronary arteries to look for blockages which came back normal.  I had this done because after having an EKG it showed that mine was abnormal.  My diabetes has progressed to the point where I now take insulin injections everyday.  My doctor is on me hard to work out and lose weight.  He suggested that I have bariatric surgery in which they remove a large part of the stomach.  He said that I could lose a lot of weight and that my diabetes would go away.  In the mean time I'm going to think about it and see a dietitian to set me up with a diet plan.

I've started diets before and have had moderate success.  The most weight I've ever lost was 85 pounds.  I'm good when I start out but usually get lazy after three or four months and end up quitting.  I also have a hard time exercising mostly because I have to do it alone and I'm very self conscious about people looking at me.  So right now I'm in the process of going to see the hospital dietitian in hopes he can set me up with a diet plan.  The only problem with that is that I don't have the money to eat well.  I'm unemployed and live with my Mom.  She pays for all the food in this house and since my Dad has passed away she doesn't like to cook a lot.  She buys a lot of processed foods and things that the grandchildren will eat.  She does buy some vegetables and fruits but it's never enough.  She spent all her grocery money the other day and we're already almost out of fruit and veggies.  On a diet, what do I do when I run out of things to eat and can't go to the store for another week. 

Many would say that I need to find a job and I totally agree.  I dream of the day when I can earn an honest paycheck again.  It's been close to four years since I worked.  I worry that my bipolar disorder isn't under control yet and I would end up getting fired or walking out because of something stupid I probably do which is usually how all  my jobs end.  Additionally I feel that I get discriminated against because of my being over 40, the gaps in my employment, lack of references, and not being rehirable by my past employers.  I also worry about how I would get back and forth to a job because I don't have my own car.  I drive my Mom's car when I need to but she doesn't like it and prefers that her vehicle stay in the garage. 

In addition to all the other thoughts I've had running through my head I also keep thinking about what's going to happen to me if something would happen to my Mom.  She owes almost as much as the house is worth and if she were to die the house would most definitely go back to the bank.  I do have two brothers and a sister but I would never want to live with any of them.  The biggest reason I wouldn't want to live with any of them is that none of them accept me as having bipolar.  They all think I use it as an excuse to get out of working.  We don't ever talk about it and if I were to bring it up the room would get quiet.  It's like get a grip, grow up, and recognize the fact that this disease is real.

Today when I was having racing thoughts about all of this I just wanted for it to go away because it makes it hard to do anything else.  I would be alright if I could concentrate on one subject at a time but it when I get four or five I just want to scream.  Besides wanting to go to sleep I get very irritable and am angered easily.  I tried watching some television and tried to go for a walk but it had just snowed and things were too messy outside.  I also tried drawing and listening to some music but it didn't help me either.  There's just times when you have to ride it out and go with the flow however uncomfortable that may be even though I'm going to always try and block it out.

"The Fence"

Since I last made an entry there has been no change with my Bipolar Disorder.  I have been depressed and having periodic moments of hypomania that last can last anywhere from five minutes up to an entire day.  I've found that while walking, coloring, listening to meditations, and music can have a positive effect on my hypomania what has helped me most lately is by not letting myself be in a situation where I feel like I need to have an opinion about something.  To do this I basically have to stay indoors and away from other people as much as I can which I feel alright in doing.  There are going to be those times which I need to go out and times I need to be around other people but I need to be aware at all times of what I'm getting myself in to.  Well, this past weekend I was blind sided when the drama came to me and I had to deal with more than I could handle.

First off, I live with my Mother in the same house I grew up in and also have the same neighbors as I did as a child.  I'm forty-two years old and that's a long time to be around the same people.  Because of this I've always felt very comfortable with my neighbors, being around them, talking to them, and I thought they all felt that way as well.  Well, I learned differently this past Saturday when my next door neighbor, in the middle of January, had a six foot fence put down the lot line between her and my Mom's house.  She didn't have fencing put across the back of her yard to connect with her neighbor just a tall fence on our lot line.  I can still walk around the fence and into her yard and walk through her back lot line which has some overgrown hedges.  

She had called my Mom the night before and told her she was thinking about having the yard fenced.  She told my Mom she didn't like people cutting through our backyard into hers to get from one street to the next.  Last September my neighbor was talking to my Mom and told her that all the leaves from our trees and in our yard always blow into her yard.  She's mentioned this too my Mom on several occasions.  Well, I take care of my Mom's yard and mow an average of two times a week during the fall season.  This year all of our leaves were up and done for two weeks before my neighbor's lawn service came to suck hers up.  I keep a good watch on the leaves in the fall and mulch or pick them up if they look out of control which means I end up outside sometimes three times a week.  I should also mention that we only have two big trees in our backyard and that my neighbor has four.  I should also mention that my neighbor uses a walker and doesn't go in her backyard at all.  Even before she started using a walker she probably hadn't been in her yard in twenty years. 

Anyway, this whole fence thing has had me really upset.  It looks like a spite fence to me and all the other neighbors think so as well.  I've looked up the rules set forth by the township we live in and there's no rule saying she can't put a fence on the lot line.  She also doesn't need a permit to do so.  I have looked and looked everywhere for some sort of loophole but I just keep coming up at a dead end.  I have thought about all the meanest things I could do or say to her and I just keep hitting a dead end.  The whole thing has me nuts and the anxiety of it is triggering hypomania for me.

As a result of the constant hypomania I'm having I've come to a conclusion.  I'm going to just let it go as hard as that may be and live with it.  I'm not going to do or say anything about it to my neighbor.  What that means is that I'm going to go about my business and do what I do.  She put that barrier up between us and I don't have to acknowledge her. 

"End Of Week Update"

Since I last wrote an entry my overall mood has been below what I would consider normal with bursts of anger, hypersexual thoughts, racing thoughts, thoughts of death, and times where I say inappropriate things. It's been like this for me since around the beginning of November and the bursts of mania can hit me at anytime and last for any amount of time. Sometimes I think I know when hypomania or mania is going to hit me but it usually hits me like a flip of a light switch. Because of this I have to try and be on my toes at all times to be able to cope with whatever my way. The last couple of weeks I have been listening to a lot of music, listening to meditations, coloring, and walking. Some of these activities work better than others but it's all trial and error and I'm always thinking about new things I can do to cope with the symptoms of my Bipolar Disorder.

"Wish I Didn't Have To Take Insulin"

Today has been an average January day.  It's cold and depressing out which is how I feel.  I wish I could wake up tomorrow and and it was May but we all know that's not possible.  My mood today has been irritable but I haven't been angry.  Probably part of that is due to the fact that I haven't been around anyone but myself.  Have you ever heard of anyone that got irritated with themselves?  I may be that person.  I know the reason I've been irritable today and it's because of having to inject myself with insulin.  I only have to inject once a day which isn't so bad but today it burned when I injected myself.  I cleaned the insulin vile and injection site with alcohol and was very careful as usual.  I later read that if the skin at the injection site isn't completely dry it can cause a burn when injecting.  I thought my skin was dry but I couldn't tell you for sure.  I just know that tomorrow I will make sure injection site is dry.  Now I'm going to bed and hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

"Still Feeling Down"

It's been a number of days since my last post and I still feel down and depressed.  It's hard to get out of bed and even sleeping is depressing.  My mood is still up and down.  One minute I can be alright and the next I snap and get very angry saying the meanest things I can think of.  As usual my family thinks that I'm funny and will laugh which makes it worse for me.  The sad part is that I would be laughing too if I was one of them watching me.  I'm sure I'm pretty entertaining to everyone.  In addition to my mood swings I've also been having a lot of racing thoughts which I think trigger my moods.  Here is a list of what I might be thinking about in a span of about five minutes.

• Did I take my last pills this morning?
• How am I going to lose 160 pounds?
• Will I need to take insulin until I die?
• What's going to happen to me if Mom dies?
• Why can't my family understand what Bipolar Disorder does to a person?
• I just want to have sex with the first person I come in contact with!
• My neighbor across the street takes advantage of everybody and they keep doing for her.
• My sister and her husband keep getting handouts and I can't catch a break when it comes to money.
• I haven't had a car for close to a year and wonder how I'm going to get one.
• I need to find a job.
• Who's going to hire an overweight man in his 40's who hasn't worked in four years.
• My Mom's car needs a wax job.
• There's things around Mom's house that need to be replaced such as the water heater, roof, and windows.

I could add more to the list but I will leave it at this.  There's probably some people that will say I have issues with worrying about other people.  My answer to them will be that they're right.  Since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I've rid my life of a lot toxic things that were hurting me and now that I'm seeing things clearer I've become a very bitter person which is something I'm working on changing.  All the bitterness does is cause you to covet things that aren't yours and be jealous. 

Finally, I'm going to continue to work through my Bipolar Disorder by trying to control it.  By controlling it I mean taking my medications on time and practicing coping strategies when I have a trigger.  It's all basically trial and error and but it's all I got right now.

"Another Gloomy Day"

Today has been much like all the other days I've had the last two months or so.  They've been full of depression, anxiety, anger, thoughts about death, hopelessness, grandiose thoughts, and my favorite which is hypersexuality.  It's just been since after Christmas that I've noticed the depression growing which I attribute to the let down of the holidays being over.  I'm able to get around and do what I need to do but I'm having a hard time moving.  

Today we got a little bit of snow and just looking at it made me feel crippled like I couldn't do anything.  When the weather gets snowy and really cold I just can't do anything.  Walking, driving, or doing any kind of task that involves concentration on my part is just so hard.  As a result I end up putting things off I need to do and stuff just piles up.  Nobody in my family can understand or will try to understand what it feels like to walk in my shoes for one day.  They just look at me like I'm some kind of nut that's unapproachable.  Every winter  I go through an episode like this that usually lasts until late spring and the last couple of years I've been trying to keep myself on track by keeping daily schedules, doing deep breathing, meditating, walking, and coloring.  Everything I've done has helped to some degree but I'm having an episode and I'm just going to have to ride it out as much as it pains me.

"New Year Same Old Problems"

2015 is here and nothing has changed but the the date which is the case every year.  I get myself all psyched up for the new year and once it gets here there's a big let down the next day.  I'm sure many people experience the same sort of let down that I am.  It's the kind of let down where all this hype which has been built up for months centered around lights, food, family, traditions, religion, music, and who could forget presents which all just go away.  It can be a big shock to a person's mental well being and I'm convinced that the new year leads to a lot of depression or worsening of depression. 

Well, so far in the new year I've been compliant with insulin injections and taking all my pills.  The only problem I'm having with my medications is that my psychiatrist put me on Topamax at the beginning of December to help with withdrawal effects of coming off Klonopin and I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me.  The sensation is so horrible that I can't sleep.  I will be seeing him next week and hopefully I can take something different.  My insulin is working as my sugar has come quite a bit but still has a way to go.  I see my primary care doctor next week and would assume he'll be tweaking my insulin dosage.  As I learn more I will post it online.

Finally, my mood has been pretty much in the dumps lately.  I feel like I'm on both sides of the bipolar scale.  One side of me is constantly thinking about sex, watching pornography, extreme anger, and having all kinds of grandiose thoughts which are racing most of the time.  The other side of me is depressed, easily cries, wants to do nothing but sleep when I can stop itching, and mad.  My level of anxiety seems to be about the same on both sides which makes it hard to drive sometimes, be around people, or noise in general.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S SO HARD TO GET ME STABILIZED....IT'S GOING ON TWO YEARS!!!!

"Happy New Year"

I just want to take a quick moment and wish anyone that may read this blog a Happy New Year.  May all your dreams and wishes come true.  I don't have any big resolutions for the new year because it seems like every time I do that it blows up in my face and I end up failing.  This year I'm going to concentrate on my health and let the chips of life fall wherever they fall.  Again Happy New Year!

"Merry Christmas"

I would like to wish anyone that may read this blog a Merry Christmas. 

I'm always down this time of year because I don't have a lot of money to spend on presents and I also don't have a significant other.  I tell myself every year that I'm not going to get in that negative type of mind set.  However, year after year I do the same thing and have the same kinds of thoughts.  The closer Christmas gets the angrier I get, the more anxiety I feel the more inappropriate my behavior becomes.  I have said a lot of off color things this holiday season and it's upsetting because everyone thinks I'm funny when I'm actually crying on the inside which makes my rage even more intense. 

I went to church last night with my cousin and after listening to the sermon it hit me that I'm focusing on the wrong things at Christmas.  Christmas is about the birth of Jesus not about if a person has a girlfriend or boyfriend.  It also doesn't matter how much money you have to buy presents with.  With that said my goal for 2015 is to learn more about the Bible and lead a more religious life.  While I still have plenty of manic feelings going to church and looking at Christmas a little differently helped me out.

"How My Bipolar Disorder Is Doing"

I haven't written a whole lot about how my Bipolar Disorder lately and thought it's about time for an update.  The last six weeks or so I've been more hypomanic than at any other time this year.  I've been more aggressive with other people and always ready to start a fight.  Anxiety has been a really tough issue for me and can happen because of a number of things including being around lots of people, driving, watching television, or being startled.  The possibilities with my anxiety are endless and don't follow a set pattern at all.  About the last six weeks I've also been very hypersexual and looking at lots of pornography.  I don't presently have my own car which is a good thing because if I did I would be out soliciting sex from both males and females.  Just being able to type that here makes me feel good because when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I really couldn't come to grips with any of it.  I buried myself inside the shame of all the bad things I had done and let them consume me.  I've also been experiencing a number of other symptoms such as reduced need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, and deep depression.

To say the least, the last six weeks have been rough is an understatement.  I haven't had any changes in my medications and my psychiatrist  doesn't want to change any doses just yet because of other medications I'm taking.  To cope with this hypomanic behavior I've been doing a number of things.  I listen to guided meditations every night before I go to bed which help to relax my mind and give me a fresh start.  I also find that writing helps me to relax and put things in perspective.  This isn't an all inclusive list of how I handle my Bipolar simply because every time it invades my head it's different.  I can usually feel that something isn't right but I don't always have the same symptoms.  As of right now I'm trying really hard to do what I need to do and praying that this episode will pass.

"An Update On Me"

2014 has been a pretty rough year for me in terms of medical issues.  Am I going to survive everything?  At this point my answer would be yes.  It's just that I had so many things happen at the same time that it was all very overwhelming.  Had I not neglected to see a doctor for close to fifteen years my medical issues probably would have been spread out over time and a little less overwhelming.  However it may be I'm just glad that I'm getting things taken care of now.  In addition to Bipolar Disorder I'm also being treated for Diabetes Type 2, Acid Reflux, High Blood Pressure, Adrenal Adenoma, Sleep Disorder, Persistent Cough, Frozen Shoulder, and most recently a Fatty Liver.  This isn't the entire list of everything I've got going on but it's all the major things. 

I've been upset about all of this but have come to the conclusion that all I can do is move forward and try to do better by my body.  My right side close to my Liver has been hurting a little bit the last six months or so and when I was told I have a Fatty Liver I flipped out.  Every bad thing went through my head and I felt like my days were numbered.  All I could think about was me dying and that scene played out in my head hundreds of times.  I finally got sick of it and thought about what the doctor had told me which was that he was going to monitor my Liver with blood work and that I should seriously lose weight which can help my liver to repair itself.  So, I'm giving the diet thing another chance and trying to lose as much weight as possible.  Seeing that it's Christmas I probably won't lose a lot but one Christmas and New Year's are done I'll be on a quest to lose a lot of weight.  I'm hoping this time will be a little different because I have the help of a Dietitian to learn the proper way to eat.

If I can achieve substantial weight loss in 2015 some of my health problems may go away which would be awesome.  Anyway, that's an update on me and where I'm at. 

"How I See Christmas"

I always had big dreams when I was a kid of how grand the Christmas holiday would be when I was an adult. There were lots of lights, gifts, friends, family, and food. My being bipolar screwed everything up for me. Maybe if I would have been diagnosed at an earlier age Christmas could be different for me.  I live with my Mother and her along with my sister try and make my Christmas nice which I'll always appreciate. They make sure I have a roof, clothing, and food. I haven't worked for almost four four years now and when you can't afford to give back to everyone thats given to you it's hard and very depressing. I try to stay to myself during the holidays because I get upset often and have a lot of anxiety. However, even though Christmas is hard for me I like to watch "It's A Wonderful Life", "White Christmas", Christmas Vacation" plus whatever is on the Hallmark Channel. I also like to drive around and look at lights during the month of December. While watching old movies and driving around doesn't always make me feel great it does help me to unwind in my head.

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING"

Hello everyone!  It's been over a month since my last post and during that time I've had a lot of things going on in my life.  With that said I want to wish anyone that might read this a Happy Thanksgiving.  For me, Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on the history of our countries  first Thanksgiving in 1621 which was a celebration in honor of a good harvest.  This day also is a time where I give thanks for all the blessings I have in my life.  This year has been a tough year for me but I've got a good family, medical insurance for the first time in years, and better understanding of myself. 

Since I've last posted I have a number of things to update you on.  First off, I got the results back from a scan I had done on my coronary arteries and everything is good.  I have no blockages and it's alright for me to resume activity which is a good thing.  Second, I had a CT scan of my chest and everything looked alright except for a small nodule on my right adrenal gland.  In the CT scan they called the nodule Adrenal Adenoma.  I did some reading about it and almost all Adrenal Adenomas are benign which made me feel good.  However, tomorrow I'm having another CT scan done of my adrenal glands just to find out for sure if my nodule is benign.

For now I'm not going to get upset about this small nodule but instead remain calm and live life.  Getting upset about it just gets those little demons that pop in my head from time to time a reason to visit.  So, being as calm as I can be is the best medicine for me.  I will keep everyone up to date on what's happening and again Happy Thanksgiving!

"Update"

It's been a week since my last post and while I wanted to write it was just hard for me to do much of anything this past week but worry.  I new I had an appointment with the Cardiologist this morning and I couldn't get my mind off of it wondering whether my appointment would go well or end up bad.  Well, After going over my stress test, giving me another EKG, and listening to my heart the doctor said she doesn't think I will need a heart catherization but would like to do a CT scan of my heart so that she can get a look at my coronary arteries.  She said she would do this route first rather than do invasive procedure on me if I don't need it.  For now I need to focus on the good I have going for me and try to forget about those things which I stress about.