"I'M STILL HERE"

Well, I haven't posted here since February of 2015.  I'm not going to apologize because this is the one place I can express my thoughts and don't have to answer to anyone.  I don't really care about who follows me or just comes across the blog.  It's just a place where I can write my thoughts and relax.  Now, with that being said It would be nice if someone found this blog that was going through the same issues as me.

As for what I've been up to the last year and a half has been a real roller coaster ride.  I was awarded full disability in July 2015 after a three year process of applying for and being denied several times.  I finally got a court date in April 2015,  went before a judge, had a psychological exam and then awarded full disability.  The whole process was long, exhausting, very intrusive, and very demeaning to me.  The judge wrote in his favorable decision that I had below average intelligence.  Seeing that just hurt a lot. 

Anyway, I now get a monthly check from Social Security and have Medicare and Medicaid.  I would have gotten the Medicare alone but my monthly income being so low qualifies me for Medicaid which is basically welfare.  In any event it's nice to be able to better take care of myself. 

Now onto my mental issues which is by far my least favorite subject.  First off, I've seen two different psychiatrists since I last posted and both have a different approach to treating me.  The first psychiatrist I had was an Osteopath and took a real interest in my overall health.  He was careful about the medications he prescribed and weaned me off the benzodiazapines I was taking which took almost a year.  I felt like I was becoming stronger and he said he could see improvement.  Well after a year of seeing him he was fired because he took too long with his patients.  So much for having a doctor that cares.

So here comes my present doctor.  He's a nice guy but reduced my Lithium dose, raised my Lamictal to the maximum, and put me on Xanax and then Klonopin.  So now I'm back on a benzodiazapine and the last year has been hell.

My moods have been up and down and I have been cycling pretty fast.  I can go from mania to depression at the drop of a hat.  My current diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with mixed episodes.  Since last fall the mania has been horrible.  I have racing thoughts about everything from A to Z and its about big ideas and things that I can't have.  I've spent money on things I don't need, started smoking both cigarettes and pot again.  The worst part is being hypersexual and I just want it really bad and will do anything to get it.  It's just bad and I want it to stop.   All this makes me not want to be here a lot which I've told my Psychiatrist but he kind of brushes it off and sends me on my way.

Well, I could go on and on and on but I won't.  I'm just back, glad to be here at this moment, and going to use this blog to express my thoughts whatever they are at the moment, and hopefully this will help me to cope with my condition better.