Day 249 "Day Started Out Bad But Ended Nice"

When I woke up this morning I was still having racing thoughts and was angry about everything.   I was able to smile and talk upbeat to my therapist but I was just really angry about a lot of things.   Why does life have to be so difficult.   Why can't it be the same for everyone.   Well' I already know the answer to that.  It would just be so nice to feel normal for once.  In any event I talked through what I was angry about with my therapist and she gave me some handouts about coping when your angry.  I'm going to read through them and see if they can help me any.

Tonight I had a really nice conversation with an old friend whom I haven't seen in a long time.  We talked for almost an hour and a half and it felt like we talked for just about fifteen minutes.  The time went so quickly.  I can't even tell you all what we talked about but it was so nice and made me feel like I have a life.  All the anger I was having earlier in the day was gone.  Oh, I forget that my friend did invite me to go to an auction next Friday night with him and his sister.  Nobody outside my family has asked me to do anything for years.  Anyway, I just felt great after our phone call and am so excited about getting together next Friday.  I'm so happy to be able to talk about my friend that I'm having a cry moment.

Day 247 "My Head Has A Lot Going On In It"

Today my mood has been low.  I don't feel like doing much or talking to anyone.  I have been having thoughts about death and feel very lethargic.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that the weather here is very cold and I'm stuck inside the house.  Maybe it's because I want to work again and can't figure out how to get a job seeing that I've been unemployed for three years now and the last job I had was making pizzas.  Let's not forget that my car has been out of commission since last May and I have no transportation unless I ask my Mom for her car.  I could also be feeling down because my weight jumped 47 pounds in less than six months because of the medications I take for bipolar even though I'm presently dieting and losing a little bit.  Lastly I can't forget that I developed diabetes in the last seven months and my glucose numbers are never consistent which is a real mood killer some days. 

I see a new psychiatrist in a few weeks and I want to unload on him about how I'm feeling and how I think my medications are working.  I'm going to take in spreadsheets to show him how I keep records.  But I want him to know that I like Lithium and think it works well for my mania.  I'm going to tell him that the Klonopin (benzodiazepine) that I've been taking for close to eight months doesn't feel like it's working because I've been feeling panicky a lot the last two and a half months.  I thought the anxiety and panic I was having were because of the holidays but they've been done for a month.  So I either want a dosage change, another benzodiazepine for the anxiety that I can take if needed, or just taper me off the drug I'm currently taking and call it a day.  Lastly I want to let him know that my depression is worse and that I feel like an increase in my Latuda may be in order.

Right now my mind is racing and I all I want to do is hide from everything.  I can't get comfortable and feel like I could lose it at any moment.  I'm hoping my new psychiatrist will be able to get me on the correct path to stability with my medications.  It's early but I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.

Day 244 "Offering Help Then Taking It Back"

I want to say that I think it’s horrible when a person offers someone help whether it be in the form of money or just friendship and takes back the offer. I’m most bothered by those that neglect to tell you they can’t help and act as if nothing ever happened. Maybe the person in need is at the end of their rope. They may be unemployed, have an illness, need a car repair, or are on the verge of being homeless. I just don’t understand how these people can live with themselves. I guess just because someone is educated or book smart doesn’t mean they can’t be a fool. It's funny how one incident can bring out the good and bad in people. That’s my two cents for today!

Day 242 "Why Can't My Days Be More Consistent?"

Today my mood was up and down.  I was in a good mood because I had lost ten pounds but then my Mom still doesn't understand what it means for me to be bipolar and I have a hard time explaining it to her.  She keeps telling me that there's lots of people that work with the illness and that I should go out and try to get a job.  Since late 2006 I've worked at a Pizza Shop for less than two years and I couldn't even handle that job.  I feel like I'm perfectly capable of many things, am intelligent, and have a good sense of self awareness but I don't think that I can handle a job right now.  My work history is horrible for a forty-one year old man and I feel like the only kind of job I might be able to get would be a restaurant dishwasher if I'm lucky.  I wouldn't be ashamed of that but that's what I did in my last job and I feel that I would just end up getting angry with the job and quitting which is what I'm famous for.  In any event, my Mom thinks that I can just go out and get a really good job.  It makes me feel like she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me.

This brings me to what I originally wanted to write about.  I wish for one week that all my days could be  consistent.  I understand that not everyday is the same or should it but I find myself  hiding the way I feel and keeping a lot of my feelings bottled up inside.  I don't want people to know anything about me,  think I'm lying, or that I'm a hypochondriac.  I've been doing a lot for a lot of different people the last six months and  I don't know how much more I can take.  It all makes me moody, resentful, and overwhelmed.  I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to stop and run away from all of it.  I just hope that I can hold myself together and not lose it.

Day 239 "It's Nice To Have A Friend"

I got a new Windows based phone along with a new phone number in the last three months.  It's a pretty nice phone but it's a lot different to use than an Android phone or plain old cell phone.  Anyway, for the last two months I've been getting around fifteen to twenty calls a day from debt collectors.  At first I thought they were all for me because of two visits to the Emergency Room but today I decided to pick up a couple of the calls and come to find out they're for a totally different person than me.  The one debt collector tried to tell me I was past due on my car and that it was in danger of being repossessed.  I laughed and told him that my car has been paid off for eight years and currently doesn't run.  I told him repossessing it would save me the trouble of getting a junk yard out here to tow it away.  Anyway, I didn't get anymore calls the rest of the day.

I get so many of these calls that I've been ignoring my phone ringer a lot.  Well, after scrolling through all my missed calls I come to find out that I've missed two calls from someone who's been very supportive of me and I know I can call a true friend.  It makes me feel really bad that I missed talking to this person because it's been a long time since I've seen him or talked to him. He was gone for a number of years out of the state and we never really got to say goodbye.  I always wondered about him and hoped that someday we would reconnect which did happen after almost eight years.  All I know is that this friend is the kind that doesn't come around a whole lot  and I'm blessed that he wants to be a part of my life.

Today my mood has been pretty stable except for this evening.  We were babysitting my seven year old nephew and three year old niece.  They were jumping around and acting like animals for hours.  It was hard to hear yourself think.  Well, I was getting my dinner ready and just couldn't take it anymore.  They weren't listening to my Mom at all and I exploded on both of them.  I didn't raise my hand threaten anyone I just yelled at both of  them and made them go their separate ways.  They both cried and my nephew got very confrontational but I just ignored him.  He eventually calmed down and everything was all good.  I just don't know how much longer my Mom can handle doing this.  It's obvious she dislikes it and would love to get out of it.

Day 237 "A Hard Road Ahead"

Since I've last written I started my new diabetic diet.  It's been very hard for me to stick to it.  I did a lot of research and found the information I  need to know and I everyone keeps giving me diet tips and tells me I should be doing something different.  It's very frustrating for me because I feel like nobody has any confidence in me and this is the way its been my entire life it seems.  I just want to start out slow and easy and I feel such a sense of brain overload.  It makes me just want to not do it at all.  However, I'm sure I'm not the first person to go through something like this and succeed.  I just need to keep telling myself I can do this and allow myself to have slip ups.

The last few days my mood has been very low which I think has to do with me starting this new diet. I have felt so much pressure that I have binged eat on junk food twice already.  I have also just felt like all I want to do is sleep.  I have been sleeping an average of 15 hours a day.  I have just wanted to block everything out and be by myself.  I did have a hypomanic moment tonight when I road with my cousin to get a couple movies.  I started cussing at other drivers and saying the meanest things I could think of.  Again, when this happens everybody thinks it's funny but it just makes me more angry because I can't stop.  

Day 235 "Tomorrow I Start My Diet"

The last few days I've felt depressed trying to figure out how I'm going to eat on my new diabetic diet.  I was able to find a good one online that my local hospital uses and I'm all set to go.  I still feel a little bit like I might fail because of all the medications I take for my bipolar but I'm going to give this a try a see what happens. What do have to lose by trying to stay optimistic.  For the last six months I've been eating out of control and not watching my weight or calories.  I just want things to change and I feel that if I give a little effort maybe I'll get a little reward.  

I think the hardest thing for me is going to be exercising.  I have an old treadmill that I can walk on but the computer part of it doesn't work.  I also have a set of steps that I could use to exercise on and I can also just go outside and take a walk.  Going outside for a walk is what I most prefer but the weather here is crappy right now so I'm hoping Spring gets here fast with some warmer temperatures.  If anyone is reading this I hope that you can wish me some luck.

Here's a copy of the diabetic diet I'm going to follow.

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Day 233 "Tomorrow's The Day I Start Changing"

I slept last night a little bit.  It wasn't real good sleep and it was with the lights on but I did it.  I can't figure out for the life of me why I have this thing with sleeping with the lights on.  I'm going to research it and get back to you on it.  My mood today was low but I was able to cope.  I didn't have the need to run in the bedroom and go to sleep.  I just have a lot on my plate and know that I'm the only one that can change any of it.  The problem with that is that I don't know if I can handle it all.  I don't know if I have the drive to do what it takes to change.  One part of me is ready to go and the other part of me just stands there like a deer staring in to headlights. 

So tomorrow is the day I decided I was going to start changing my life.  By change I mean lose weight and get my sugar under control.  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal but I don't have anybody helping me with this.  I haven't seen a dietition because I can't afford one and I really don't have any exercise equipment.  I'm going to have to pound the pavement walking and I'm not real fond of having to do that in the middle of winter.  I could go to the park but I don't have a car of my own right now so that's out of the question.  In any event, tomorrow is the day I decided I was going to change some things in my life and I have to try the best I can because I have no other options and I just need to do this for myself.

Day 232 "In A Lot Of Pain The Last Five Days"

I haven't been on the computer the last five days because I've been in a lot of pain.  I had been to the Dentist back in October and new that I had a cavity.  I was told the earliest it could be taken care of was on New Year's Eve.  Well, I had to cancel that appointment because my Uncle had chemotherapy that same day and there was nobody to take him.  Well, I figured I would just reschedule and everything would be alright.

Five days ago out of the blue I started getting terrible pain where the cavity is.  I left it go for two days thinking it would go away.  No luck with that so I tried calling my Dentist and because I go to a clinic where a lot of poor people go, myself included, it's extremely hard to get an appointment let alone even talking talking to a live person.  Usually you are asked to leave your name, number, and birth date and they'll call you back.  Well I did that and of course nobody ever called me back so I decided to go to the local ER.  The doctor I had gave me an antibiotic for ten days, take some ibuprofen, and get an appointment with the Dentist.

Besides feeling sick and being in a lot of pain my mood has been very down.  I have been very edgy and can snap on a moments notice.  I've been very negative about myself and all I've wanted to do is be in bed.  Even right now I don't really know what the point is in me typing this because I'm going to get nothing out of it.  I just feel like everything I do is pointless.

Day 227 "The Joy Of A Pet"

All my life I've relied upon animals (dogs and cats) as friends.  I've never been married, though I was in love with a girl once.  She chose someone else and I had my heart broken.  Since then, I've relied on my friend's pets to keep me sane since I've never been able to have one of my own.  I still love Joy (my first love) but it appears that dream sailed along time ago.  I've met other women and even a few men I liked but never enough, never like her.  So, dogs and cats have kept me from going crazy.  I've been incredibly lonely most of my life, without my pet friends I don't know if I'd be alive now. 

My faith has been shaken by all the hell I've been through, the only hope I can really find is in my family of pets.  I love my family but none of them seem to get me or understand what I go through.  I don't know what I've ever done to be treated like I have been, but it's hard to trust or believe in anyone anymore.  I do my best to love people around me like the Bible speaks of.  I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can.  I just hold onto the hope that God knows my heart and will be merciful to me.  I see that hope in my pet friends, a sense of innocence that I believe is the essence of God.

Day 226 "Never Know Which Way I'm Going To Turn"

There are so many things I don't like about being bipolar.  The thing that bothers me most is that I never know which way I'm going to swing in a day.  I could have a completely normal day with no ups or downs but that seems not to happen much for me.  I'm on medication and I feel it's working but my nine times out of ten my days seem to yo yo.  I'm either hypomanic or I'm depressed.  Some days I go back and forth from being hypomanic to being depressed.

Right now I've been in a mostly depressed mood.  I want to sleep all the time and I don't want to socialize with anyone.  I've been doing a lot of stressing out about my future and where I may be down the road five years.  I just have this feeling that nothing is going to get better and it has me nuts.  However, I've also had a little bit of hypomania mixed in here and there with this.  When hypomania sets in I'm more energetic, talk more, and want to go go go.  I would have to say that all of this started around the start to the holidays.  As a result I'm going to let it ride out for a few more weeks and see how it turns out for me. 

My nurse practitioner left and right now I have no prescriber.  There's a nurse on staff that I'm supposed to get a hold of if I have some sort of problem and she will then get a hold of someone to see if they can do something for me.  I just don't want my medications changed by someone who really doesn't know me so I think it's better to be cautious.

Day 223 "Was Very Down Today"

Today was a very down day for me.  I was in bed most of the day today.  I slept for over sixteen hours and only got out of bed to use the bathroom.  I never saw the light of day today.  I wanted to get out of bed earlier but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was like something inside of me was holding me back.  My mood was in a down state all day.  All I thought about was the uphill battle I have to face this year with my bipolar, general health, and weight.  It was all overwhelming me and by staying under the covers I could avoid it all.  

Tonight, I went to my cousin's house to see if I could get out of my funk.  I found out shortly after arriving that an old mutual friend of ours had died over the summer from brain cancer.  She was only 43 years old. Age has nothing to do with when your times up and this reminds me that death can occur at anytime.  Neither my cousin or I had seen her in over ten years but hearing of her passing brought back a flood of memories. Rest in peace Lori!  

I'm going to put new sheets on my bed tonight and try and get a good night sleep.  I have been sleeping  on top of the same sheets for over five months now.  That probably makes most people sick but I just can't bring myself to change to them on a regular basis.  I try to make my bed everyday but changing the sheets is the last thing I think about doing when I have so much other stuff I need to do.  I just need a change and I feel that doing this will help me sleep a little better.  Goodnight to everyone and here's to a better tomorrow.

Day 222 "Another Mixed Day"

Today has been a mixed bag of moods for me.  I woke up after a bad night of sleep and all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  However, I got out of bed and got dressed.  I wasn't angry but I had a short fuse today with everybody.  I never actually had a confrontation during the day with anyone but everybody stayed away from me which didn't bother me at all. 

Now this evening I got in a screaming match with my Mom because she asked me to unhook the outside hose from the valve it was attached to avoid freezing.  I don't know why I yell at her so bad sometimes but it's like something snaps inside my head when she talks to me.  The only problem with that is that she supports me and makes sure I have a roof over my head.  I don't know what went wrong because we really used to get along well and could talk about anything.  I have a theory that I get so angry with my Mom because when I was younger she used to let me get away with whatever I wanted, would to a point lie for me, and brush over the fact that something wasn't right with me.  I'm always thinking back about my past and wondering how my life would have turned out had someone tried to get me help when I was a child or teenager.  Maybe I would be in a different position now and able to take care of myself.  Right now I'm 41 years old and have nothing.  I worry about what will happen to me if something happens to my Mom.  My Mom gets by and is able to pay the bills here but she is tapped out and if something were to happen to her today everything would probably go back to the bank.

In addition to all the above I can't get myself in the mode of eating correctly.  I was diagnosed with diabetes last summer and put on pills that I take before my breakfast and dinner.  To make matters worse I've gained almost 50 pounds in the last six months.  To say the least my sugar hasn't been stable.  So I've been studying diets online and am refurbishing an old treadmill so that I can get myself back on track.  I'm hoping that in the next two weeks I will be eating better and using the treadmill to get some exercise.

Day 221 "The Truth"

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Day 220 "Happy New Year"

 

May you achieve what you aspire

and may all your dreams come true!