Day 63 "The Biggest Influence In My Life"

Today my mood has been good the entire day.  The only problem I’ve had is that I just wanted to sleep all day and did.  I slept for over 15 hours today.  However, I did a lot of thinking about my Dad today and how if I only had five more minutes with him what would I say.

My father passed away in 2010 from cancer.  He was a quiet man, worked continuously for 42 years, got along with everyone, and was always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone in need. When he was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 he withdrew from the family, was very depressed, and spent his last nine months of life mostly by himself. 

During this time, I let my bipolar control me and became very depressed and self absorbed spending many nights at the bar with friends drinking.  I incurred a lot of debt because I spent a lot of money on booze, marijuana, and I bought a big screen television.   I have accepted my Father's death and have no regrets.  However, I do wish that I would have spent more time with him instead of the bar but that’s how I chose to cope. 

He's had the biggest influence on my life and is the kind of person I aspire to be.  We didn't always see eye to eye and there was a lot of times where I didn't understand why he did the things he did and said the things he said.   As I'm getting older I'm remembering a lot and many of the things he said and did are making a lot of sense helping me to make better choices and taking back charge of my life and not letting bipolar define who I am.  All he ever wanted was for me to:

1. Be honest with myself and everyone I deal with!
2. Finish what I start!
3. Be thankful for what I have!

These rules make so much sense to me now and are ever so important.  Five years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want.  As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions which impacted my life in a negative way.  Things are making much more sense to me now than ever before.  I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight because of my Father which motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life.

Bipolar happens and some days are much worse than others but I just have to make the best of it and following my Dad's three basic rules that help me lead an honest open life. So, If I had five more minutes with my Dad I would say “Thank you Dad for showing me the way, guiding me to the correct path, and always loving me bipolar or not!”



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