Day 36 " Very Irritable Today"

I know that everyone keeps telling me that I need to hang in there and that the medications I’m on may need changed or tweaked to be able to get me to a stable place.  I just want to say that I feel lousy.  I can get out of bed but I’d rather just sleep.  I have no feelings or emotions, I feel like a vegetable, and I feel there’s no hope for my future.  I still stress out from being around a lot of people.  I especially don’t want to be around people I know including friends, relatives, and neighbors.  Being around people makes me irritated and triggers anger for me.  The reason I’m writing this is that I was just looking for a new photo for my front page on Facebook.  I would so much like to go out and take a nice new photo but I just can’t get myself to do that.  My brain wants me to but my body won’t allow it.  The whole thing just irritates me. 

The next thing that irritates me is the drugs that I’m on.  I take Lithium and while I’m only taking 900mg a day I still have to drink almost a gallon of water a day.  I was told to drink no more than that but that I should be drinking 12-16 8 oz. glasses of water a day.  I have also noticed that I get tremors in my hands every now and then.  I was also told to watch my salt intake but she couldn’t give me a specific number to shoot for.  I was also told my thyroid was high after starting to take it.   I also get a little uneasy on my feet from it and have to frequently sit down because I feel like I’m going to fall.  Otherwise it has stopped my mania.

After a month of taking Lithium 90mg I was still having a lot of depression and a little hypomania so she decided to start me on Seroquel 150mg XR for four days and then bump it to 300mg XR until she sees me again.  This medication has taken the life out of me and I feel like I’m walking around like a zombie.  I was told that I need to monitor my weight everyday ad that in addition to weight gain I could develop diabetes.  So far this medication is just making but as of right now I’m having no mania or hypomania.

The next medication I’m on is Klonopin which is a benzodiazepine.  Benzodiazepines are highly addictive and are considered a controlled substance.  There the same kind of drug as a Xanax, Valium, Ativan. In any event she started me on 1.5 mg and I developed a tolerance to that already so she bumped me up to 3 mg. a day.  This pill makes me not care about anything and takes away my anxieties for the most part.  I think to really get rid of (mask) my anxieties I would need to take a clot more of it.

Anyway, I’m not trying to put anyone down or be ungrateful but I feel like Ito get better I have to take a bunch of pills that could kill me in an instance and that stresses me out.  I’m not going to commit suicide but I think it’s ironic that they prescribe you all these drugs that could kill you in a second.

It’s about 9pm and I took my Seroquel along with my Lithium and Klonopin at around 630pm and I am starting to feel the tiredness coming on me.  I hope tonight I sleep well.