Day 66 "I'm Angry Today"

So I went to the doctor this week and was very happy because I thought my life was moving in a positive direction.  My blood pressure has been a little elevated and the doctor decided to put me on blood pressure medicine to keep it down.  I told the doctor as well as gave him a list of all medications I takefor bipolar disorder and figured he would understand what that means. 

Well he decided that in addition to my daily dose of 900mg Lithium I should also take 10mg Lisonopril (Nestril) because I have elevated blood pressure.  It’s been two days since I started this ritual but every morning when I take the blood pressure medication I get really tired and feel as if I need a nap.  I can be wide awake and all of a sudden I just need to lay down.  Well I did a little bit of research on this matter and it turns out that Lisonopril can seriously cause Lithium levels to rise to toxic levels.

According to to WebMD a serious interaction may occur and cause harmful effects.  Your blood pressure medicine makes your kidneys remove extra sodium from your blood.  This decreases the amount of lithium your kidneys remove.  As a result, your blood levels of Lithium may increase and cause toxic effects.

If you experience drowsiness, tiredness, increased thirst, increased urination, weight gain, tremors, changes in your heart rate, or confusion, contact your doctor.  It may be necessary to monitor the Lithium levels in your blood more often.  Your doctor may need to adjust the dose of your medicine or change you to a different medicine for high blood pressure.  Do not start, stop, or change the dosage of any medicine before checking with your doctor first.

I feel very let down and am obviously upset.  I don’t want to end up in the hospital with Lithium toxicity and just want to be ok.  I understand that it’s a lot of work for all these doctors and nurses to be able to keep up with everything but I do feel that doctors should have a basic understanding of how psych drugs work.  I feel there’s no excuse that I should have to chase my doctor down tomorrow and Friday to try to get something other than Lisonopril or get my dosage of Lithium reduced.  I guess it's a god thing I take a drug for anxiety because I have anxiety!!

My next question is what happens if they want to reduce my Lithium?  That’s the drug I use to control my mania and if I do that am I setting myself up for manic episode.  I just don’t know what to do and wish I had someone who could just make the right decision for me.  Oh well, I don’t think that’s going to happen.  I guess we’ll just have to see how this one plays out.  I JUST NEED TO GET MY DIET UNDER CONTROL SO I DON’T NEED BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION.

Other than really being down this evening because of this medication thing, my mood has been pretty good all day.  It was best this afternoon because this morning I really just wanted to sleep and not be bothered.  I’m going to try and keep positive  about this because negativity is only going to make it worse.

Day 65 "Today Has Been Pretty Stable"

Today has been a stable day in terms of my bipolar.  I haven't been jumping all over the place and super happy but I've been pretty content and able to function.  I had an appointment with the Dentist this morning at the clinic where I now have a doctor as well.  One thing I noticed is that I think they think I'm nuts because I have bipolar which is written on the top of my chart.   I was there yesterday and today and on both occasions they kind of treated me like I was a nut case.   I can't help it when I talk fast or am anxious and I sure which people could understand that and move on.  Anyway, I'm grateful that I'm seeing a doctor and that I'm getting myself on the correct path.  

 Today was the first day of high blood pressure medicine for me and that had me a little anxious especially since my Mother of course thinks they're wrong.  She told me this morning that there's no way I need heart medicine.   Nothing like using the word heart to make me feel even more anxious about it.  I talked to my pharmacist last night and he told me to watch how I felt and check my own blood pressure because of some of the other medications I'm on.  It's all just new for me and I'm going to have to get used to it.  I think when I start eating better again I will feel even better.

Well, I'm going to practice what I preach and do something I enjoy tonight to get my mind off all the doom and gloom. I bought a tent a number of months ago and m nephew and I are going to sleep out.  He's seven years old and a little chatter box!  I'm sure he'll talk my ear off for a long time but it's nice to do something I enjoy.  To be that optimistic bipolar I have to learn to live with and manage all this stuff in my my life and not let it bother or control me.

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Day 64 "I Knew This Day Would Finally Show Up"

There's a time in your life when nothing matters. You can do what you want, act like you want, and say what you want. I was like this for along time because of my bipolar. I just didn't really worry about my health and just did what I did. Well, today that ended for me and I had a wake up call. I saw the doctor and he put me on blood pressure medicine, thyroid medicine, and he's thinking about medicine for diabetes because my numbers were a little elevated there as well. They also took blood from me today which took five different tries and did an EKG which was ok.  

I'm not surprised that any of this happened today because I knew I wasn't in the best of health. The thing that bothered me is that I kept thinking back thirty years ago when my Dad went through the same things I did. I can remember him being scared for many months and feeling depressed. After my Dad got all the tests and was put on the medication he really didn't change anything in his life. He didn't exercise and didn't change his eating habits.

Well, this is where I'm going to be different. I have this need to live and be healthy and somehow I'm going to figure it all out. There is this free website called SparkPeople.com which is the largest online diet and healthy living community with over 12 million registered members. Unlike Weight Watchers where you are budgeted so many points a day that you can spend freely. SparkPeople teaches you how to eat by presenting you with the nutrients you need to survive. I did Weight Watcher's for a while and I was eating a ton of processed food. When I switched to SparkPeople.com I started looking at the different nutrients I was inhaling and started to change. I haven't been on the site much since I started my treatment for bipolar I'm going to change that and get back with it especially since it's free and has much the same information as Weight Watchers.

Today my bipolar started out in the normal range because I was excited about going to the doctor but as the visit approached I became a little more depressed and just didn't want to go. I wanted to hide from the truth but that's what I always seem to do so I just decided to go with it and it happened. I have to take a few more pills now but maybe I can lose some more weight and not have to take those pills. The way I see it, the choice is mine!

Day 63 "The Biggest Influence In My Life"

Today my mood has been good the entire day.  The only problem I’ve had is that I just wanted to sleep all day and did.  I slept for over 15 hours today.  However, I did a lot of thinking about my Dad today and how if I only had five more minutes with him what would I say.

My father passed away in 2010 from cancer.  He was a quiet man, worked continuously for 42 years, got along with everyone, and was always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone in need. When he was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 he withdrew from the family, was very depressed, and spent his last nine months of life mostly by himself. 

During this time, I let my bipolar control me and became very depressed and self absorbed spending many nights at the bar with friends drinking.  I incurred a lot of debt because I spent a lot of money on booze, marijuana, and I bought a big screen television.   I have accepted my Father's death and have no regrets.  However, I do wish that I would have spent more time with him instead of the bar but that’s how I chose to cope. 

He's had the biggest influence on my life and is the kind of person I aspire to be.  We didn't always see eye to eye and there was a lot of times where I didn't understand why he did the things he did and said the things he said.   As I'm getting older I'm remembering a lot and many of the things he said and did are making a lot of sense helping me to make better choices and taking back charge of my life and not letting bipolar define who I am.  All he ever wanted was for me to:

1. Be honest with myself and everyone I deal with!
2. Finish what I start!
3. Be thankful for what I have!

These rules make so much sense to me now and are ever so important.  Five years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want.  As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions which impacted my life in a negative way.  Things are making much more sense to me now than ever before.  I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight because of my Father which motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life.

Bipolar happens and some days are much worse than others but I just have to make the best of it and following my Dad's three basic rules that help me lead an honest open life. So, If I had five more minutes with my Dad I would say “Thank you Dad for showing me the way, guiding me to the correct path, and always loving me bipolar or not!”



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Day 62 "If I Had The Choice, Would I Choose Not To Be Bipolar?"

Bipolar is something I wish I would have never had because of all the negative things it has brought to my life.  I think I would have fared better in terms of relationships and employment.  I think a lot about those two statements a lot and in the beginning when I was first diagnosed as bipolar that's exactly how I felt all the time.  As time has moved forward and I'm beginning to understand more about what bipolar is and what it does I'm changing my outlook on the this subject

I feel like being bipolar is helping me to gain a better sense of my inner self that I'm starting to appreciate more than having lots of money or the best job.  I've always said "everything happens for a reason" and believe my bipolar has given me better instinct and incite which is helping to define the person I'm becoming.  So even though I don't like having bipolar I do appreciate the lessons I'm learning by going through it.

One of the big thing I've learned from having this disorder is that a lot of people just can't deal with it and ignore you, stop talking to you, or just act  if you don't exist.  These people can't understand that someone who has untreated bipolar will have both highs and lows that make them act in such a manner that can be disturbing.  I've come to the conclusion that I can't change these people and the only way for me to move on is to let these people go from my life and move on.  It's not healthy to hold on to a one sided relationship or friendship.

Today was a really tiring day after being up the day before for over twenty hours.  My mood has been overall pretty stable all day which is a good thing.  When I finally got to take my Seroquel last night and was able to finally hit the pillow I was out like a light and all I did today was sleep.  It's funny how going one day without a pill can knock you for a loop. It's also interesting to me how one person will say that not taking a certain medication will cause no side effects and another will say the opposite.  All I can say to that is that we're all different and that what works for someone else may not work for you.

Day 61 "An Unplanned Manic Day"

Today was an overall positive day and I got a ton of stuff done.  Yesterday when I went to see my psychiatrists nurse she wouldn't give me my Seroquel because she said the ER doctor didn't specify it on the paperwork when I was released at the ER last week that it would be safe to take the Seroquel and that it wasn't the cause of my Bell's Palsy.  Anyway, I immediately stopped taking it and couldn't sleep for anything last night. So, I got dressed at 5 this morning and took myself in to the ER again and explained my problem.  I met with two doctors and they both said that my Bell's Palsy was looking better and the fact that I was feeling good was great.  In any event, they said it was ok to take Seroquel again on the orders.

I then had to make special arrangements to meet my psychiatrists nurse at another office today so that I could get my pills which actually worked out fine because it was closer to the house.  The only thing that had me distressed was that I had her check my blood pressure and it was 160/82.  She said the bottom number was good but that my top number was high and could be a result of increased salt and that I should watch my intake.  Up until I had started being on medications I was on a diet and doing quite well and I'm going to get back on that ASAP. 

After I left the nurses office I decided to take a ride over to a medical clinic where I live just to see what they could help me with and see if I could possibly get in.  The big thing is that I have a tooth that is abscessed and I've been fighting infection with it for three or four years now.  Anyway, the front desk girl was very helpful and said that if I came in to register on Monday morning that she had an appointment with a doctor that afternoon.  It wasn't a dentist but a doctor who could look me over and address some other things I have going on such as elevated sugar, high thyroid, elevated blood pressure, Bell's Palsy, and she even said he could look at my tooth that has the abscess and may want to do some additional antibiotics in addition to what I'm already taking to really put a stop to the infection before I have it pulled.  I' just so happy that I'm going to be seeing someone and really concentrating on my health.  The best part of this clinic is that they offer a sliding fee schedule that means until I'm on my feet I should be able to get the best possible care while only paying what I can afford.

After I left the doctor's office I went home and got the entire yard mowed and trimmed which took me about two hours.  I didn't take any breaks and just worked til it as all done.  It was a really good feeling to have it all out of the way.  My goal was to get it all done so that I could make a fire tonight and just sit outside and do nothing which I did.  It was nice to just hangout an do nothing with my Mom and cousin.

Today I also contacted the United States Department of Labor Wage and Hour Division because of a job I worked a few weeks in 2012.  More than a year has passed since I voluntarily ended my employment and they owe me a final paycheck. I constructed a letter and let them know that I contacted the United State Department of Labor and let them know that they are in violation and that they could be fined as well as I have a two year statue of limitation to collect.  I sent the letter requiring a signature and hope that it doesn't go any farther and they just send me the back pay, but will see.  Here's a copy of the certified letter I sent the place I worked.



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Today I also operated on about 3 hours of sleep which is probably why I got so much done.  I just couldn't quit and wanted to go until I couldn't stop.  Being bipolar, I'm going to have to learn that I need to take smaller steps because even though  everything I did was good there was also that chance my hypomanic behavior could have went in a bad direction.

Finally, before I sign off tonight I want to say good buy to my Great Aunt who's the youngest sibling of my deceased Grandmother.  My Aunt died at the age of 90 this past week and was a true example of what a lady was.  I had planned to visit her several times over the last few years and she always asked about me.  I just wish that I would have followed through with going and seeing her.  There is so much that I would have liked to ask her.  Good buy Aunt Margie and I hope your enjoying your reunion with your parents, husbands, brothers, sisters, children, and other family.  You will be missed!

Day 60 "Mindfulness"

Today is day 60 of being treated with medication for bipolar 1 and it was an especially difficult day for me.  I had a real hard time sleeping last night only getting about six hours.  I had an appointment with the psychiatrist’s nurse today to get Seroquel and she wouldn’t give it to me because of the doctor that treated my Bell’s Palsy at the ER didn’t mention on the discharge paper if I could take it or not.  It’s really been helping me sleep and done a good job of helping the deep depression I was in when only on Lithium.  In any event, all I’ve done today was sleep and haven’t wanted to get out of bed.  So, I thought I would take this moment to reflect on mindfulness which is living for today.  To be that optimistic bipolar this is something that I need to make sure I’m working at every day. 

Learning to live in the moment has not been an easy task for me.  I’ve let my thoughts be guided by my past and constant worrying about what the future holds.  In my mind, thoughts of my past and constant worrying about the future unconsciously controlled me.  There has been numerous times where I have missed out on what’s right in front of me because I’ve been so distracted by my past and future.  Living in the moment has been something I’ve been working on for a number of months now and is not something you just do.  Living in the moment takes practice by keeping an open mind, focusing on what is in front of you now, and letting your thoughts come and go without hanging on to them.  I’ve been overweight since childhood struggling with bulimia for over a decade, and just diagnosed as bipolar1 severe mania and mixed episodes.  Living in the moment is helping me to lose weight in a healthy way, get my bipolar stabilized all by taking one day at a time and not beating myself up if I make a mistake or obsessing about a future goal. This is what I’ve been doing to live more in the moment.

Every day when I get up I make a cup of coffee and before I do anything else I take ten or fifteen minutes to think about what is in front of me.  Usually I’m outside when this occurs and think about what it looks like outside.  I try to appreciate whatever weather condition is happening at the moment and not think about anything else.  This morning the weather was sunny and about 55 degrees as I watched two red tail hawks unsuccessfully chase a squirrel through my backyard. The point is that during this time I’ve let everything else go and just enjoying the moment for whatever it may bring.

I’ve been doing this regularly since the start of the year and have started to notice that I approach each new day with a new attitude.  I’ve found that I am more positive, less confrontational, and easier to communicate with.  In terms of my weight loss, I don’t view it as a diet anymore but as a life change.  I do still have days where I slip and have a hard time with this life change but part of living in the moment means letting life happen, accepting that life can be good or bad, and just moving on.  I still have a lot riding on my shoulders but the load feels so much lighter.  Before I started living in the moment my moods and emotions would all kind of run together and I never seemed to have a break from that.  Now, I have this time where I let everything go and appreciate only what is front of me.  As I’m getting better at living in the moment I’m finding it to be very exciting and a definite necessity for controlling my bipolar as well as my life.

This picture is the way I live in the moment.  It's really nice to just stare up and enjoy what is in front of you.
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Day 59 " Another Mixed State Kind Of Day Plus Bed Wetting"

Today was a mixed bag of feelings and moods for me.   My Bell's Palsy seems to be improving a little bit which is encouraging.  I already feel like my life is so messed up and the Bell's Palsy just adds to all of that.  Anyway, I seem to be gaining back control of my eye lid.  It's not perfect but I can move it slowly if I take my time.  Other than that my speech is still slurred and when I smile the side of my face with  paralysis still looks like there's a paralysis.  I just keep praying that I will make a full recovery and that everything will be back to normal

Last night before I went to sleep I laid in bed and cried for a good hour.  I just want to know why all these things are happening to me.  Well, I don't have the answers to any of that and will probably never know.  I guess it's just the way the cookie crumbled.  There's no other explanation.  Today I ended up sleeping all day for a grand total of 15 hours and screwed up taking my pills which  was pretty depressing.  I also had a bed wetting accident last night which was depressing too.  That's something I haven't done in 25 years and now I've done it 3 times in the last month.  I will be so relieved and happy when I can say that I'm  stable and that my bipolar is under control.  I never in a million years thought it would be this hard to get things stabilized.

Tonight I thought I would make a fire and sit outside just to do something that's enjoyable to me and also to see if it would help my mood.  Well, other than sitting here alone it's given me something else to focus on other than all the negativity in my life.  I would have to say that for anybody trying to get their bipolar stabilized, try and do one thing that you enjoy everyday.  It could be surfing the Internet, making a fire, riding a bike, talking on the phone., or watching some television.  The point is to not let your bipolar dictate your life to you, but dictate to it how your going to live.

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Day 58 "More Random Thoughts"

First off, I want to say that I've had yet another pretty good day with Bell's Palsy.  I'm hoping that it doesn't last too long and that my face will be back to normal soon.  My goal is to keep on taking my pills and following the doctor's orders one hundred percent.  I do have to say that even though it is annoying that the paralysis causes my mouth not to function correctly, which means I wear a lot of what I drink, it does make me laugh.  Laughter is good for the sole and is helping me to remain sane.

In terms of the Bell's Palsy I have my own theory on what may have caused it. About ten years ago I had a root canal done and had the tooth filled but never had the crown put on it. Well, about two years ago the filling started coming out and In the last six months the last of the filling has come out. Anyway, my sister works for a dentist and has gotten me prescriptions three times because the thing gets so infected. Well the doctor I saw told me I have a bad cavity where the filling was.

The day before yesterday I laid in bed for hours and the pain in and around the gum of that tooth was horrible. This happens from time to time and sometimes I'll wake up and I'll have dried blood on my face. It was uncomfortable all day and later in the evening I was getting a drink of water and when I went to open my mouth I got like a charlie horse in my jaw. It felt really funny and has never happened to me. I'm thinking that the infection in my tooth was so bad that it caused stress on my facial muscles. One of the times I got antibiotics from my sister I had a partial paralysis in my face but it didn't effect my eye like this time. However, since I've started taking the meds I'm feeling much better and I'm going to have the tooth pulled as soon as I'm done on medications for the infection.

Today my mood was pretty stable all day which is an improvement over the highs and lows I had been having.  The only problem I had today was with the Seroquel XR I took last night.  I took it later than normal because I had to eat with one of the medication's I'm on for Bell's Palsy and it caused me to sleep really late today.  I also missed taking a bunch of pills because of this.  So tonight, I just adjusted the times of the pills I needed to take and got to take it a little earlier.  They say that if you eat with the XR (extended release) form of the drug the food can cause the drug to become IR (immediate release) which is something I'm going to look in to.  I had the unfortunate experience of taking an Seroquel IR given to me once and it hit me like a train in about ten minutes and it seemed to where off me and then I couldn't go back to sleep.  I like the how the XR gradually releases the drug in to my system which really helps me to sleep more comfortably the entire night.
 
Finally, I just want to say how happy and grateful I am for the invention of the computer.  When I was in my early twenties we didn't have cell phones or computers.  You had to get on the old rotary dial or push button phone and actually call someone.  The invention of the computer has helped me to stay in touch with the world with the strike of a key.  I can pretty much say what I want and do what I please and because it's the Internet that's my right.  The Internet has given me the opportunity to have a space where I can share with you about my bipolar disorder.  Hopefully something I've written will inspire someone else to take control of their illness and be an optimistic bipolar.

Day 57 "Random Thoughts About Everything"

I read on the net in an article from The Mayo Clinic and it stated that after many tests they have discovered that many people with Bipolar disorder are low on vitamin D.  So, that might be something to think about.  I'm going to be seeing and endocrinologist here in the next few weeks and will be asking her about testing my blood to see If I'm low on vitamin D.  I've heard that people who were deficient in vitamin D began having improvements in blood pressure, deep depression, SAD, and just an overall boost in mood after taking a vitamin D supplement.  I'll take any help I can get and If a little vitamin D pill will help me to stay stabilized I'm all for it.

Today was a pretty good day overall all the pills I have to take.  I take pills for the Bell's Palsy and my Bipolar at 8am, 12pm, 4pm, 6pm, 8pm, 12am, and 2am.  Besides making it hard to leave the house, some of the pills I'm supposed to eat with and others I'm supposed to take on an empty stomach.  I been drinking around a gallon of water a day but I have also been eating at weird times as well.  My face still has paralysis but I've been told that can last for months and that there's a possibility I'll have relapses.  I just can't wait till I'm done with all these pills and can get myself back on a schedule.  By schedule I mean eating, sleeping, and exercising schedule.

As for my bipolar I feel that I'm doing pretty good considering everything that's going on.  The roller coaster that I was on for so long has stopped and I've been able to be off of it for a couple of weeks now.  The Lithium my psychiatrist prescribed really put a halt to the mania I was having and the Seroquel she put me on has helped the deep depression I was having when the Lithium kicked in.  She also prescribed me Klonopin to take and told me that it was supposed to help pull me out of mania as well but I find that it really helps me to relax a lot which is something I've had a hard time doing for a long time.  My heart used to race all the time and that doesn't happen like it used to.

My psychiatrist didn't make any changes to my medications this week because of the Bell's Palsy but I feel a little tweaking will be in order when all is better with my face.  I like what the Seroquel is doing and would like to try a dosage increase to see if it could lift my depression anymore.

Day 56 "Had A Good Day"

Today was an overall good day for me.  I wasn't in the best mood and jumping around in circles but I was content and functioned ok even with the Bell's Palsy I have.  From looking at my mood tracker, since starting the Seroquel 300mg XR I have noticed that I'm not experiencing as much hypomania as I was and my depression is getting better.  I'm seeing a pattern of being more on the low side of stable but maybe that's what stable for me is.  I expect that I will still have some medication changes or dosage tweaks especially since I have still not seen the seen the doctor about my thyroid being high.  I just keep reminding myself that I'm taking back control of my life and that's what's most important to me

About the Bell's Palsy, I have been following the doctor's orders and keeping my eye covered, putting artificial tear drops in it several times a day, and taking all my pills as scheduled.  I have been taking Prednisone and everybody says that's what is giving me this energy I'm having.  I'm not going to lie and tell you that I won't be disappointed if I go back to feeling like crap when I'm done with that drug.  Even though I'm drooling, have really slurred speech, and can't close my right eye I feel really good.

Today I went to my cousins house to spend the day and of course to see her little cat Daisy who I just adore.  This little cat latched herself on to me when she was a kitten and I just love her to death.  When I lay down she crawls on top of me and sleeps wherever she pleases.  I don't mind.  Animal or not she accepts me for who I am and gives me total unconditional.  Spending time with her today was the best medicine a guy could ask for.  I hope tomorrow is as good as today was.

This is my little girl, click to enlarge.

 

Day 55 "Doing Ok With Bell's Palsy So Far"

Well, this is the first morning since starting to take medication for Bell’s Palsy.  I took everything today as scheduled and as the day went along I felt better. I feel really good this evening.  I started out kind of slow this morning but as the day went along I was able to talk a little better and my body movements are much better than yesterday when I was stumbling around a lot.  I am on Prednisone and have been told that it will make you feel very good.  Who knows, I just know that if I continue in the direction I did today than I can live with it.

My overall mood was alright for the most part today.  I started out a little bit depressed and as the day went a long my depression got a lot better.  By dinner I wasn’t angry or irritated about anything.  The reason tonight may have been better mood wise is that I decided to take my klonopin as prescribed at 3mg per day instead of only taking 1.5mg.  The psychiatrist prescribed it for a reason and if it helps I have to go with it.  I’m not real happy about having to take a benzodiazepine three times a day because of the tolerance building and needing a larger dose but I have talked to many people who have used it for years with a lot of success.  But like the name Optimistic Bipolar I have to remain optimistic that my psychiatrist will find the correct combination of medications to keep me stable.

Day 54 "I Have Bell's Palsy"

Nice way to start the weekend! Woke up today slurring my words and had paralysis on the right side of my face. I thought I was having a stroke and was terrified. I didn't have any kinds of scans or anything but did see a Doctor and he thinks I have Bell's Palsy and sent me home with three prescriptions that equals out to 15 pills a day for 10 ten days I need to take.

Bell's palsy is a paralysis of the muscles on one side of your face. Damage to the facial nerve that controls muscles on one side of the face causes that side of your face to droop. The nerve damage may also affect your sense of taste and how you make tears and saliva. This condition comes on suddenly, often overnight, and usually gets better on its own within a few weeks. There is no link between stroke and transient ischemic attack (TIA).

The worst part about today for me has been that In addition to the 7 pills I take for my bipolar I now have to take 15 more a day for the next ten days. I made myself an excel document, listed all the medications and the times I have to take them. When I take a pill I place an X over its slot and move on. I'm pretty much taking pills every fours from 8 in the morning until 2 in the morning every day and have alarms set on my phone to keep me consistent. Well, I've had a long day and am going to relax until my next dose of medication then go to bed.    

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Day 53 "Feeling Better Today!"

I slept pretty good last night and only slept until 11 this morning which is pretty good considering that I've been sleeping 12-16 hours a day since starting Seroquel.  Seroquel has kicked my but, however I do feel like I'm less depressed with it.  That being said, my depression must have been pretty severe because even taking 300mg XR I still feel down most days just not as bad as I did before.  I also still cry a lot more than I did and feel more slowed in general.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with the psychiatrist and will be telling her everything I've been experiencing,

Today my Mom was gone all day and I had the house to myself and the feeling was great.  I could watch whatever I wanted on the television and I didn't have to talk which was a good thing.  Sometimes it's really nice not to say anything at all.  Today was one of those days.  My appetite today was really low and I was still achy all over but I still think I had a pretty good day.

Day 52 "Felt Really Tired All Day!"

Hello All, It is a really warm Wednesday here in Ohio and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I got into bed around 3am this morning and ended up sleeping until a little after 5 in the afternoon.  I did manage to get my pills this morning but if I wouldn't have had an alarm set I would've been screwed.  However, I did forget to take my Klonopin this afternoon and it didn't hit me until late in the evening when my head started to hurt.  I was having a little bit of withdrawal from the Klonopin.  So I took it and within an hour I was fine. 

Years ago while in a manic phase I got hooked on Xanax bars and bought like a hundred of them  and was breaking them in half to take for sleep.  Well, after about five months I just decided to quit because I had built up a tolerance.   I went through the most horrible withdrawal ever.  My body ached, I had brain zaps, and I had the most horrible anxiety ever.  I thought I was going to die. I got on the Internet and and after reading about benzodiazapines I learned that you have to taper off them.  So, I bought a bunch more of the bars and begin a tapering off that lasted about two months.  Anyway, I promised myself I would never abuse a benzodiazapine again.

In any event, it's getting late and I'm just plain tired, Goodnight!

Day 51 "Dreamed About My Deceased Father Today"

I went to bed last night a little after 1am and besides getting up to take pills and eat a little bit with them, I ended up sleeping for 14 hours.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and that’s where I felt most comfortable.  My speech has been slow today and I have felt a little uneasy on my feet. 

This week will be two months since medication began for my Bipolar1 and I anticipate there will be more changes.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.  Today when I was sleeping I dreamed my deceased Father came in my room and knocked everything down off the wall where he had hung some shelves and then handed me some drafting tools and left.  He wasn’t angry but I didn’t know what the purpose of that was. 

Anyway, I just wanted to make note of it.  Since starting to take Serequel XR 300mg nightly I have had a lot of vivid dreams that seem to make no sense.  Anyway I’m going to sign off for now and relax a little before bed.

Day 50 "Mixed Bag Kind Of Day AGAIN"

Today I woke up at 8am and took my pills, ate a light breakfast, drank some water and went back to bed.  I was really groggy and needed the sleep.  I woke up in the afternoon around 2 and was still a little groggy but I was more irritable and angry.  I argued with my seven year old nephew for over an hour about what he was watching on television.  I finally walked away because it wasn’t worth arguing with a seven year old and it was just making me angrier. 

In the evening I was just pissed off at the world about what, I don’t know.  I felt depressed, angry, ready to unload, slowed down, and I felt like my future was hopeless.  However, even though I felt like that I got on a kick of scanning my Mom and Grandma’s old recipes in the computer and I got on a mini high.  I was motivated, creative, had more energy, and my thoughts were racing about what I could do with all the family information I’ve been recording.  However, I was still depressed, angry, anxious, felt like my future was hopeless.  It was a head struggle kind of night.  I’m not really sure what I was.  I just wish it could have been normal.  Anyway, I’m done for tonight, going to try and watch a little television, and go to bed.

Day 49 "Third Bed Wetting Accident Since Starting Medications"

Today started out not all that bad however, I did wet the bed again which makes three times in the last month.  I only slept 9 hours last night which is a decrease from what I had been doing.  When I actually got up I was just a little groggy and maybe a little down which I can cope with. 

In the afternoon, my cousin wanted to go for a walk and I was cool with that.  I felt empowered to actually get out of the house and so something.  On the other hand I was angry and very irritable this afternoon.  I saw the stuff on television about that Zimmerman guy that shot the black kid and it just pissed me off.  It wasn’t about if he was guilty or innocent it was just the way the media puts their spin on everything. 

I ended up having an outburst saying a bunch of nasty things about some people.  I felt manic but     at the same time I felt depressed and very slow.  My speech was a little slurred.  I felt like I couldn’t even concentrate.  I also felt like I had some short term memory loss today as well as before.  I go to say or do something and I completely forget for  few minutes what it was I was looking for or going to say. 

After all this my cousin and I walked for 45 minutes which felt good.  After we got back, I took a nap for about two hours then drove over to my cousin's house.  I hadn’t been to her house in about two weeks and I wanted to see one of her cats I'm really close with.  This little cat treats me different than she does other people and is very affectionate.  It felt so good to see her and pet her.  As I was lying on the bed she walked all over me and kept giving me rubs and purring.  She purred a lot and made me feel so good.  I can honestly say that I had a really nice time.  I felt like I was on top of the world and I felt like I had purpose.   When I got home I watered all my Mom’s flowers.  Now, I’m sitting here typing this crying.  I’ll call them happy tears!

Day 48 "Today Was All Over The Place"

I went to bed crying and felt worthless.  I kind of felt like what’s the point in living.  I wasn’t going to kill myself but there have been a lot of times the past month that I’ve had those thoughts.  I went to bed at 4 am and cried myself to sleep.  I really wanted to be near my Dad.  He had a knack for accepting whatever I put in front of him good or bad.  His death taught me how to be a better person and really try to do the best you can do. 

Well, I woke up at about 11 this morning made something to eat and then went outside to weed the yard.  I was ok but I moved very slowly, was irritable, very tired, and I hurt all over.  I laid down for a nap around 3 and got up at 6.  After dinner I helped again in the yard and this time I wanted to get things done and did a lot.  I was very sore, irritable, and having a hard time concentrating.  Along with that I was thinking a lot about sex and really was hypersexual.   I didn’t place any ads but I did look through the personals on Craigslist for like two hours ready to go if I could find someone. It’s 1130 and I’m going to get off here and head to bed.  That’s probably the best place for me.

Day 47 "Another Day Of Depression Is With Me"

Today was better towards the end of the day. I had decreased appetite. Nothing major to report. I felt like I did sleep the day away today. I did manage to get up and take pills when I needed to but other than that I enjoyed being in my bed. My sister and brother in law are coming over tomorrow to do yard work and I’m a little pissed off about it. I know I haven’t been able to keep up with things but instead of asking or consulting me about any of it my Mom and sister come up with a plan. My brother in law can’t stand me and I just have this problem with him coming into my yard and messing around with anything. I don’t know why I feel like this but I do. 

I have nothing and this is the only territory I can claim as part mine and I feel like he’s invading my space. When my Dad was still living this would have never happened. He may not have liked what I did or didn’t do but he would have never let my brother in law step in EVER. My Mom doesn’t understand and I don’t understand how to convey to her how I feel. I’m just so over everything and told my Mom that I can’t wait till I can get some money together and get my own place where I can make the rules. 

I feel like my life is a complete failure in general. I can’t work a regular job and have to take pills which make me feel lifeless and now an activity that I’m trying to do because I once enjoyed it is getting to the hands of my brother in law. I don’t know why but tonight has been a not so good night. I feel agitated, angry, depressed, very slow, and crying a lot. Please God, help me to over come this.

Day 46 "Depression Lightened Up In Evening"

Again like yesterday, today was better towards the end of the day.  I had decreased appetite.  Nothing major to report.  I did sleep a lot today and I could have slept the day away.  I only slept fifteen hours today compared to nineteen yesterday.

Day 45 "More Depression"

Today was a down day all day.  I had a decreased appetite.  I had a lot of negative thoughts about everything in my life and I had a lot of thoughts about death.  I did sleep a lot today and I could have slept the entire day away.  I did sleep about nineteen hours today and never did see the light of day. I just feel so tired and out of it.  I want everybody to just leave me be.

Day 44 "Another Rotten Day Of Depression"

I got up around noon today which is a little earlier than I have been.  I wanted to go outside but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I’m not suicidal but I sure am feeling stressed like nothing is ever going to get better.  I just wish I had one person on my side that could understand what I’m dealing with.  Everybody is ok with me off medication and loves to get mad when my moods hit the extreme of both depression and mania but once I’m meds it’s like nobody gets it which drives me in sane. 

I feel so alone and would just like someone to come to my aid, give me a hug, and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I’ve never had anything like that in my adult life and it would be really nice. 

I’ve noticed that my hair is really getting grey and I figure it’s because of all the stress.  I tried to think about getting my car fixed today and that made me just want to go back to bed which I did do by the way.  Its midnight and I’ve only been out of bed about 8 hours today.  I know the medicine is helping me to become more stable but I just feel like I have a long road ahead of me.  I’ve been sitting here crying for half an hour and can’t stop.  I just wasn’t to feel normal whatever that may be for me.

Day 43 "Today I'm Just Plain Depressed"

Well other than getting up to take pills at 8am and 2pm I slept until 640pm which is about 17.5 hours.  I’m exactly in the same place I was yesterday but am much more irritable today than yesterday. 

I’ve been thinking that I need to start eating better and that exercising but I can’t even get motivated to get out of bed.  I thought about my car tonight too and how nice it would be if I could get it fixed.  I’m just at the mercy of everyone. 

EVEN IF I could get and hold a job I would have no way to get there.  I’m just depressed about everything.  I plan on being in bed in the next hour or so.  That’s the only place I seem to get any comfort.

Day 42 "Mixed State Today"

I got up at around noon today and  had slept for about nine hours.  I went with my cousin to her parent’s house and we went for a ride that was nice.  It was nice to get out of the house.  I was very groggy up until about 6pm and then I felt a little more alert.  Even though I felt a little more alert I still was depressed and had no hope for my future. 

I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like my time has passed quite a bit.  I feel like I’m going to have no place to live, nothing to drive, and no money to take care myself.  I so much want to feel different but I just can’t.  It’s now about 1am and I’m going to bed.

Day 41 "Another Day Of Anger"

I woke up at 215pm today after finally falling asleep around 5am.  I was really groggy when I woke up and was angry because I had to go to my sisters and I had no motivation.  Those thoughts continued through the afternoon along with me snapping at my sister and brother in law a few times. 

People just drive me nuts and I would rather just be by myself.  Is there anything wrong with that?  A few people asked me how I was today and I don’t feel like I can be honest because the first time I say Bipolar Disorder there going to want to change the subject or tell me that I’m wrong.  So I just told them my thyroid was off and left the whole bipolar thing alone.  I’m just glad I’m back at home now.

Day 40 "Today Was An Angry Hypomanic Kind Of Day"

I had a hard time falling asleep but once I did I slept for twelve hours only getting up to get my pills with the alarm I had set and going to the bathroom.  It was sometime after 5 in the afternoon when I was able to get up.  There was nobody home when I got up which was good because I was really angry and frustrated and wanted to unload bad on anybody.  I have been taking the Klonopin as directed and I still feel like a loose cannon a lot.  Everything gives me anxiety and I don’t understand why????  Anyway, I was able to get my night pills all taken and my Mom called for me to come and get her from my sister's house and then my cousin called wanting me to drop off two peppers she had left here on the fourth.  So I took my cousin her peppers and then drove to pick up my Mom.  I got back here about 10pm and again messed around on the computer till almost 5 this morning. 

Day 39 "Bad Day Gets Better"

Well, I had a horrible night of sleep and didn’t fall asleep till 7am this morning and ended up only sleeping about 5.5 hours.  I did take my pills a little earlier so that if I fell asleep I wouldn’t have to wake up at 8 am.  Anyway I started out when I woke up a little irritable, angry, and groggy. 

However, I started to feel better in the afternoon.  I wasn’t the life of the party but I was able to get along ok.  I have had a large appetite today and ate a lot of dessert and had a cup of coffee.  I also think I forgot to take my pm Lithium and since I can’t remember I’m just going to resume it in the morning.

Day 38 "Very Slow Today"

I slept for almost 16 hours last night and woke up at 2 this afternoon.  I keep my phone alarm set  for when I take my pills and can get up to do that but it’s right back to bed.  I just didn’t feel like getting up.  Actually at one point I tried to get up and couldn’t get myself to make the physical movement. 

Anyway, I did get up and went to my appointment with my therapist and had an ok session.  She made note that my movements and speech were slower today probably because of the Seroquel.  It makes everything slower for me and leaves me groggy.  However, I need to let this pill do its job and from what I’ve been told I will feel way better and the side effects will get easier. 

My therapist wants me to take my time line and mark it up with my low and high periods and put at what point do my symptoms come in to play.  This is so I know when I’m just having a little moment verses a situation when I need to make a phone call to get help.  She also wants me to find a bipolar peer to peer group to get involved with.  After my session I was still really groggy and not really wanting to be around people.  I would say that the day wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t that great either.

Day 37 "Doing Ok, But Mood Is Low Today"

I woke this morning about 9am and hit the snooze button a couple of times.  That is actually normal for me so I finally got up at 10 and felt pretty good.  I wasn’t groggy or tired.  I was up a bunch of times during the night but felt like I got some sleep.   I was slurring my words when I got into bed last night and for the first hour or so I was up today I slurred my words a little. 

I mowed at my cousin's house this afternoon and that took me about an hour and a half total.  I had to stop several times because it was just too much to handle. I would rest for 10-15 minutes and then continue. I couldn’t wait to get done and get home so I could lie down. 

Even though I slept ok, today my muscles have felt week and I have very slow movements.   I just don’t want to be bothered by people and want to be alone.

Day 36 " Very Irritable Today"

I know that everyone keeps telling me that I need to hang in there and that the medications I’m on may need changed or tweaked to be able to get me to a stable place.  I just want to say that I feel lousy.  I can get out of bed but I’d rather just sleep.  I have no feelings or emotions, I feel like a vegetable, and I feel there’s no hope for my future.  I still stress out from being around a lot of people.  I especially don’t want to be around people I know including friends, relatives, and neighbors.  Being around people makes me irritated and triggers anger for me.  The reason I’m writing this is that I was just looking for a new photo for my front page on Facebook.  I would so much like to go out and take a nice new photo but I just can’t get myself to do that.  My brain wants me to but my body won’t allow it.  The whole thing just irritates me. 

The next thing that irritates me is the drugs that I’m on.  I take Lithium and while I’m only taking 900mg a day I still have to drink almost a gallon of water a day.  I was told to drink no more than that but that I should be drinking 12-16 8 oz. glasses of water a day.  I have also noticed that I get tremors in my hands every now and then.  I was also told to watch my salt intake but she couldn’t give me a specific number to shoot for.  I was also told my thyroid was high after starting to take it.   I also get a little uneasy on my feet from it and have to frequently sit down because I feel like I’m going to fall.  Otherwise it has stopped my mania.

After a month of taking Lithium 90mg I was still having a lot of depression and a little hypomania so she decided to start me on Seroquel 150mg XR for four days and then bump it to 300mg XR until she sees me again.  This medication has taken the life out of me and I feel like I’m walking around like a zombie.  I was told that I need to monitor my weight everyday ad that in addition to weight gain I could develop diabetes.  So far this medication is just making but as of right now I’m having no mania or hypomania.

The next medication I’m on is Klonopin which is a benzodiazepine.  Benzodiazepines are highly addictive and are considered a controlled substance.  There the same kind of drug as a Xanax, Valium, Ativan. In any event she started me on 1.5 mg and I developed a tolerance to that already so she bumped me up to 3 mg. a day.  This pill makes me not care about anything and takes away my anxieties for the most part.  I think to really get rid of (mask) my anxieties I would need to take a clot more of it.

Anyway, I’m not trying to put anyone down or be ungrateful but I feel like Ito get better I have to take a bunch of pills that could kill me in an instance and that stresses me out.  I’m not going to commit suicide but I think it’s ironic that they prescribe you all these drugs that could kill you in a second.

It’s about 9pm and I took my Seroquel along with my Lithium and Klonopin at around 630pm and I am starting to feel the tiredness coming on me.  I hope tonight I sleep well.