2009 Year Review Age 37

 

Click the mood chart to enlarge.

2009

April

• Started New Job,Pizza Shop, Part Time Pizza/Chicken Cook.

July

• Ended Treatment for Cyclothymia, I thought I was in control and feeling very good so I just stopped going. 
• I finished the medications I had and never filled them again. 
• The last time I took prescriptions from this treatment was in late August or September.

 July 2009 – October 2010

• Overall mood felt really good.
• Started binging and purging again.
• Didn’t sleep for days on end and when I did it was usually only for three to four hours at most.
• Drank beer two to three times a week, it was more about being feeling good, being accepted , and being the life of the party. 
• I had a friend who lived close to the bar and I would walk to his house so that I wasn’t drinking and driving. 
• A lot of my beer was free because I was an employee/manager but if I had a tab it was usually because I bought something for someone else such as a customer, friend, or employee.
• Smoked marijuana most everyday consuming anywhere from three to four bowls up to maybe a joint or two. 
• This was something I didn’t do on work time and had higher consumption on off days. 
• I only have ever enjoyed smoking marijuana to the point where it made my anxiety stop, my feelings of depression go away, and the urge to binge and purge not be there. 
• I never drank beer with marijuana because it totally took away the good effects that the pot had on me.
• I did mushrooms once with a bunch of people at a bonfire at Lake Erie and hallucinated for like four or five hours. 
• This wasn’t something I enjoyed and have never had the urge or the want to do anything like that again.
• I was very hypersexual all the time and would try to pick up girls at the bar where I worked and on three occasions actually went home with one. 
• I would look at porn on my computer just about every day. 
• I also was very interested in meeting up with guys as well and would post ads on craigslist looking for discreet hookups. 
• These were times I would actually be inclined to shower and shave which I would do before I placed the ad so that I was ready to go as soon as I got a taker. 
• Something would takes over in my mind and I would just want what I want and if I didn’t get it I would crash into a depressive angry state until my next hi period and do it all over again. 
• All I could think about was the pleasure I may experience and it made me want that feeling even more. 
• I had this vision of myself a hundred pounds lighter and able to have sex with anybody I want anytime I choose.
• I was easily agitated and angered by the littlest of things. 
• I could snap at the drop of a hat and was very confrontational. 
• There were times when I would say the most horrible things about people and it would cause those around me to laugh and say how funny I was. 
• I couldn’t control these outbursts and the fact that people were laughing made me angrier.
• My speech was accelerated all the time and I felt like I never shut up
• I spent about $70/week on marijuana and rationed it as much as I could. 
• At this time in my life it was something that I did more on my own tan with others. 
• Being a guy and bulimic was very shameful for me and the fact that I could control it plus some of my anxiety and depression made it ok in my book to smoke marijuana.
• I was afraid if it got out that I had an eating disorder people wouldn’t like me.