Day 203 "A lot Going On This Week"

I'm trying really hard to get myself back in the habit of writing everyday.  It did me a lot of good and helped me get through each day.  It helped me to be more consistent with tracking my bipolar symptoms and eating better.  However, I'm slowly getting back in the habit and plan on being on a daily posting schedule by New Years Day.  I also am looking to add a little more photography in the blog to make it more interesting plus that would give me a reason to start using my camera again which is something I used to do all the time.

Today has been an average day for me.  I've been staying up and watching a lot of the Christmas movies that are on all night and have messed up my sleep schedule.  The Christmas movies are all generally the same but the give me a sense of comfort that I lack this time of year.  In any event, I got up late today and sat around.  I wasn't angry but was a little depressed.  I'm trying to remain optimistic that everything is going to get better but its hard for me.  I've isolated myself from a lot of people and don't have a huge support system.  My car is also still broke and the only transportation I have is my Mom's car and she's funny about it leaving the house.  Also, since I've been on medications for the bipolar my urge to drive has decreased dramatically.  It all just upsets me and I'm praying and hoping that 2014 is a better year for myself which I hope doesn't sound selfish.

This week my ability to cope is going to be tested a lot.  Tomorrow I have to drive my Mom to her physical therapy then drive across tow to pick up my nephew from school and then drop him off with my Mom and take my Uncle across town to his doctor's appointment.  It doesn't sound like much but the way its all spaced out I will be running from breakfast to dinner.  On Tuesday I have to be up at 5 in the morning so that I can be at my Uncle's house on the other side of town by 7:30 to get him to his new round of chemotherapy that is supposed to take three to four hours.  Usually there's an hour wait once we get to the hospital because there's so many people waiting on chemotherapy and they only have so much room.  After his chemotherapy I have to drive him back home then pick up me nephew from school which consists of sitting in a parent pick up line for almost an hour before he's dismissed.  I then have a therapy session the following day along with my Mom's physical therapy, and picking up my nephew from school.  Then the rest of the week it's just helping my Mom babysit my sister's kids.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining I just feel very bogged down.  I want to help everybody but it stresses me out a lot and gives me a lot of anxiety.  I was looking at my hair tonight and it used to be dark brown.  In the last year I've lost a lot of my color and am going gray fast.  I'm going to try and cope with this week as best as I can hopefully all will go well.

Day 197 "A Lot Going On In My Head"

It's been eleven days since I last posted and I really don't feel like posting now.  However, if I talk about what's going on in my life maybe I'll feel better about things.  Since Thanksgiving I've been functioning about half.  I have been staying up late and sleeping the days away.  I have no holiday spirit and just want January to get here.  I haven't had a whole lot to say and have been very quiet.  My mood today has been much the same and I've had no energy to do anything.  I had to pick my nephew up from school today and I was so stressed because of having to do something.  The anxiety was so bad that I wasn't sure I would make it to his school.  I just wanted to stop the car and not move. 

So I was prescribed Latuda 20mg. two times per day which is a newer anti-psychotic.  I was told that this drug had a lesser chance of causing weight gain or diabetes.  Since starting this drug I've gained another fifteen pounds, my sugar numbers have been up, and I've been experiencing some blurry vision.  This is very distressing to me.  They want to give me a medication for depression but the medications side effects are causing me to feel more anxiety and depressed.  As a result, I stopped taking the Latuda and my weight gain has slowed down, my blood sugar numbers are improving, and my vision isn't blurry.  The downside has been that my depression hasn't changed and while I wish I wasn't feeling so down I'm willing to deal with it if I'm not having a bunch of drug side effects. 

So I've been going back and forth for the last few weeks about messing with my treatment plan.  I made a pledge that I would do whatever my nurse practitioner said I should do.  I've tried explaining to her that these side effects give me a lot of anxiety but she insists I should take these pills.  I've made the decision that for now I'm going to do what I need to do for my well being. 

Day 186 "Happy Thanksgiving"

I want to take a minute and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is a time for me when the family comes together to commemorate the the first Thanksgiving that the Pilgrims had after the first harvest in 1621.  I'm not big on holidays anymore and have a lot of anxiety over them but I work really hard to  make sure I'm a part of the holiday.  I have it in my head that at as time moves forward there are going to be people who aren't going to be here anymore and that's the driving force behind me attending the holidays.

This year has been a really tough year for me and I'm really thankful that I'm alive.  I started being treated for my bipolar with medications in June and it's been very hard.  I feel much more stable now than I did but I still have days where I wonder what I'm doing this for.  I feel so horrible and have so many side effects because of the medications that I wonder which is worst.  However, I made a commitment to give treatment a try or one year and I just can't quit.  Because of bipolar I've quit a lot of things in my past and I feel that if I don't stick with my treatment I'll be letting bipolar win.

Day 178 Trying To Pick Myself Up"

The last few days I've felt down.  I haven't wanted to talk to anyone and have had to force myself to be social.  I've mostly wanted to stay in bed but haven't been sleeping so well so what's the use.  For once my mood hasn't been mixed.  It's much easier to deal with a depressed mood than it is with a mood that's both manic and depressed.  I saw my nurse practitioner Sharon on Monday and told her how I was feeling.  However, part of the problem had to do with me not taking my Latuda because it was causing me vision blurriness.  She suggested that I stay on the same dose but take half in the morning and half in the evening.  Since doing this my vision has been good and no blurriness to report.

Last night I got into bed by 11 and slept pretty well until I had to get up around 6 this morning to use the bathroom.  I was looking forward to sleeping in but after using bathroom I was never able to get back to sleep.  My mood today has been OK for the most part.  I hope tonight I can sleep better than last.  If I can get more sleep tonight I know my mood will be better tomorrow.

Day 174 "Trying To Enjoy My Day Off"

Last night I slept OK and woke up a few times to use the bathroom.  I woke up this morning at around 8 which is the normal time I get up on a daily basis.  I was kind of upset because today was a the day I was going to sleep in and do what I wanted to do.  I guess my body had a different plan for me.  So I got up and took my Mom to breakfast which is something we haven't done in a long time.

My mood was both up and down today.  I had to mulch the leaves in the yard because they were getting out of control.  I worked in the yard today on and off for close to seven hours.  It was nice to be alone but I was also upset that I had no help and kept having to stop.  I get overwhelmed and there's something that goes off in my brain and I just have to stop.  When this happens all I can do is stare at what needs to be done and wonder how I'm going to do it.  I pushed myself today to do everything my Mom needed me to do and I was able to finally come in after dark. 

I feel like I'm complaining and it's making me feel like a loser.  Yesterday I was consumed with my aunt and uncle and today I was consumed with my Mom and her needs.  Nobody is ever concerned about my needs and what I need.  I feel like I'm being pulled in fifty different directions and I dislike it.  All these people know about my illness and and say they understand.  If they understood they would see that I'm getting burnt out fast.  I feel like I'm heading for a crash and when that happens I usually just walk away from whatever I was doing or whoever I was helping.

Day 172 "Trying To Figure Out How To Get Some Personal Time"

Last night I went to bed and slept for almost ten hours after getting home from the hospital.  I hit the pillow and was out.  When I woke up this morning I was still exhausted and could have easily went back to bed.  I was in my uncle's hospital room for over six hours today and couldn't keep my eyes open.  The good thing is that he was discharged today and got to go home.

My mood today has been down and depressed.  I feel like I have no time for myself to take care of my own needs.  My uncle had a feeding tube put in and my aunt is basically crippled and can't remember anything.  My uncle has a pretty bad short term memory.  He can remember things that happened thirty years ago but easily forgets things you've just told him.  My cousin who is an only child is always at work and even if she were more available I think the feeding tube would gross her out especially if the tube leaked or if any liquid were to come out of his stomach through the tube.  I only say this this because she gets grossed out if one of her animals throws up even if its just liquids.  As a result I feel like its just me and that's just the way its going to be.

I need some time off from my uncle and I also need time off from my Mom and sister.  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions.  I guess it would be different if I was getting something for it.  Nobody pays me for anything I do.  It's just kind of expected that since I'm not working that I'm going to just be there for everyone.  Don't get me wrong, I love all these people and want to help as much as I can but I just keep doing and get nothing in return.  This weekend my cousin has off and I'm going to try and stay away so that I can get a little time to myself.  I will let everyone know how that goes for me.  Maybe I can have a depression free day or two.

Day 171 "Just Tired Today"

Last night I got home from dropping my aunt off at her house and I was exhausted.  I thought I could stay up a while and look at some email but I was mistaken.  I laid on my bed with the intention of only being there for a few minutes and the next thing I new it was 3 in the morning.  I then got up and got on my bed clothes and slept until 9 this morning.  I slept a total of ten hours.  The worst part is that all day I've felt like I could go back to bed and feel like I'm dragging.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for me to accomplish all the things I need to do.  However, this next week I have a personal goal to take a little time for myself and do a better job at caring for myself.  I've been doing a great job of making sure everyone gets what they need but neglecting my own needs.

My mood today has been both good and bad.  As I've stated before I cycle back and forth between highs and lows more now than ever.  Today I started out pretty happy with no major complications
and was OK till it was time to go and pick up my nephew.  I love him to death and it isn't his fault but I just got really angry and depressed.  I started cussing and saying things that were inappropriate.  I'm glad I was alone because I wouldn't want my nephew to hear the things that came out of my mouth.

Anyway, today was not another good day for me but I'm going to cope the best I can and try to get by the best I can.