Day 278 "Today The NIcest Thing Happened"

Today my mood started out pretty low. I didn't want to get out of bed and just wanted to be a lone. Well, I couldn't stay in bed all day and just decided to get up. I automatically went to look for my Mom to see what she was doing but she wasn't home. She was with one of my siblings. Anyway after being alone for about an hour my Mom and older brother came home. I actually had a nice visit with both of them and it was nice to see my brother. After my brother left my Mom tossed this envelope across the table at me and said that it was for me. When I asked her what it was she said that my brother had given her this envelope of money at breakfast and said it was a partial payment for a cash advance my Mom had gotten him many years ago and that there would be more to come down the road. She told me she didn't know how much was in the envelope but knowing I'm trying to go through bankruptcy I could have it no strings attached. She told me she's been worried about how we were going to come up with the money to pay for my bankruptcy. So I opened the envelope and there was $1100.00 which was only $31 short of what I needed to pay for the entire bankruptcy. My Mom is an angel for the way she looks out for me. She always makes sure I have what I need. There's a lot of Mom's that would have given up on their adult sons if they were like me. I've been crying all day because I can't believe something so good happened and that I have such an unselfish Mother. Thank you Mom and I love you!

Day 274 "The Kind of Anxiety I Had Today"

Today my mood started off great. I was going to the Dentist to get a tooth pulled and thought everything would be great. I've had an infected tooth since January and have been on antibiotics several times since. Anyway the Dentist was very gentle and numbed me up but I kept telling him that my tongue wasn't numb. So after hitting me three different times with novocaine he said I was ready. He took his pliers and started pulling and twisting. I obviously didn't have all the infection out because the pain was horrible. I yelled for him to stop four or five times before he quit. He then told me that there was still infection in the tooth and that I would have to go on antibiotic and come back in a week to resume. I have to get this done and will go back but I've never shook so bad and been in so much pain. The anxiety I'm feeling about going back next week is horrible. I'm having horrible visions of what could go wrong and it just sends me over the edge. I need to figure out why I have so much anxiety and deal with it. There's all kinds of school of thought on how to deal with anxiety and make it better. Well, I think in this case the anxiety happened because of a situation beyond my control. I think the best thing for me to do is to try and forget about today with some meditation and take the new antibiotic as directed. Then when I go to the Dentist I need to do a little meditation when i'm in the chair. I think this will help me to get past the anxiety and hopefully not flip out. Another option would be for me to make sure I take my Klonopin about an hour before I go in to the office. I'm just hoping this next time around will be a success. Wish me luck!

Day 271 "The Four Agreements"

Today my mood has been still in a down state but I've managed to not let it rub off on everyone else.  I've spent a lot of time in my room today and what people don't know won't hurt them.  They don't need to know that the only thing I want to do is sleep and that I feel hopeless and worthless.  Doesn't sound like I'm "The Optimistic Bipolar" today all.  Well I found something on the Internet called "The Four Agreements" that sums up how a person faced with bipolar disorder should lead their lives and I thought it made a lot of sense and would share it with everyone.  For me, maybe it can help get back that spirit of  "The Optimistic Bipolar".



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Day 270 "Been A Rough Few Days Since Last Post"

First off today I've had a lot of anxiety and my mood has been low.  I'm being sued by a creditor and pursuing bankruptcy.  The problem with that is that I have zero money and very few possessions.  The whole thong is just very embarrassing and makes me want to cry.  I have like a little over three weeks to get this straightened out or I will have a huge debt hanging over my head that I can't pay.  The part that makes me feel even worse is that my sister was here when I was dealing with this yesterday and offered to give me whatever I needed.  I really appreciate it but feel so bad taking anything from anyone.

Other than that I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  The first occurred when we had a pretty substantial snow the other morning and I had to drive in the aftermath.  There were many side streets that were untouched and hard to drive on especially in a small car.  In any event I got in to my aunt's allotment and her roads were some that had been untouched and the only way to their house either way is up a hill.  It sent me over the edge and I had to pull over the car for like ten minutes to calm down.  I was afraid I was going to wreck or that someone was going to hit me.  I was terrified.  The part that gets me is that I used to love to drive in any situation.

Another moment of anxiety I had this week was when my sister's children were at the house.  They are three and eight and both of them will jump around and rough house for hours on end.  When they jump around the whole house shakes and it doesn't matter whether I go to the basement or stay upstairs I get very panic stricken.  I get thoughts in my head that the floor is going to break and my stomach gets upset like I may throw up.  I'm not sure but I think I get motion sickness.  At Christmas their were 15 people in the house and just the vibration of the floor from that many people walking around in addition to the kids all jumping around had me nuts.  I try going outside and getting some air when this happens and talking myself through why I have nothing to fear but nothing helps and I end up with a sick feeling in my stomach and head.

Day 266 "Not So Bad Of A Day"

Today hasn't been the worst day I've had lately.  I've had many days where all I do is cry all day and stay in bed.  But today I wanted to be awake even though I did take a short nap.  My mood today while not perfect was in the middle.  I wasn't sad or happy which isn't a bad thing for me.  I've said before that maybe my normal isn't going to be happy all the time.  I just want to bet at a place where I can enjoy my surroundings. 

I don't know how it would work for me and I haven't investigated anything yet but I think that in time I need to get away from the northeast Ohio winters.  The snow and extreme temperatures have really bothered me especially this year.  I have felt like the cold is going to make me sick and that I'm going to die.  I don't know where I would go but I do know that the warmer temperatures would help me out both mentally and physically.

Day 264 "Happy Valentines Day"

Today is one of those made up holidays to get people to spend money.  While I don't believe in those kind of tactics I believe that people should tell those that mean something to them how they feel.  However, it doesn't need to be in the form of a card or flowers.  Writing it down on a napkin or just telling the other person is sufficient with me and costs nothing.  It shouldn't have to cost money to tell someone how you feel.

This week is my Mom's, Dad's (deceased), and little sister's birthday and I want to tell them how much I love each of them and wish them each a Happy Birthday.  I also want to wish the rest of my family a Happy Valentine's Day and let them know how much love I have for each of them.

Today my mood has been pretty even and I haven't had a lot of anxiety.  I didn't follow my diet today and really need to get back on it as my sugar numbers are much more in line when I do.

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Day 261 "Bad News And Good News"

Today the bad news of the day is that I continue to feel bad.  My mood is really low and I've been thinking a lot about death.  I'm not thinking about killing myself but that some medical condition is going to kill me.  I've been thinking like this a lot lately and the anxiety along with racing thoughts I get from it drive me up the wall.  I take 3mg of Klonopin per day for anxiety and it doesn't really seem to be doing anything anymore.  I took my last 1mg of Klonopin almost two hours ago and the anxiety is still there.  In addition to all that I have a tooth that is abscessed and since I don't have insurance I go to a clinic and there are so many people that see the dentist there that can't get me in to see him for three months.  My doctor I see there gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to see if it would take away the bad pain I'm having. 

Now for the good news which I don't get much of these days.  When I was at the clinic the other day the woman who runs the front window asked me if I had an income and insurance.  When I told her no she said that I may qualify for Medicaid which has been expanded under the Affordable Care Act.  I went home and read all the material that she gave me and it looks as if I qualify which would allow medical coverage if I'm approved.  I promptly applied for coverage and am now waiting to hear back on what I need to do next.  I'm excited about this and it could be mean some good news for me.  Keep your fingers crossed!