Day 129 "Another Bad Day"

Last night I slept about six hours and was able to get up fairly easy this morning.  Today I took my uncle to get the results of his PET scan for his Esophageal Cancer.  There was so much to take in and so many big words that had me puzzled.  However, I did understand when the doctor told my uncle he was stage 4 and that the cancer was not only in his esophagus but in the lymph nodes around his esophagus, in his adrenal gland, and in his stomach.  The doctor told him there was no cure for him and that the treatment would be to keep the cancer from spreading with a possibility of a remission.  My uncle keeps losing weight though and the doctor told him that he must drink nutrition (5 to 6 a day) in addition to what he can eat so that he can remain strong.  He was told if he continues to lose weight they‘ll put a feeding tube in him.  In any event he’s going to have radiation Monday through Friday for four to five weeks and one chemotherapy treatment per week during that period.  Other than that I don’t know a whole lot but will post more as I find out.

My overall mood today has been mixed.  This morning I felt depressed and really down.  I would imagine that had a lot to do with going to see the cancer doctor.  Then, in the afternoon my mood got better and seemed to stabilize.  After dinner things escalated and became hypersexual which lasted till right now.  I have been trying all night to find someone to have sex with me and I can’t stop.  The fact that I’m striking out has made me very angry

I've not really seen much about hypersexuality with other people who have bipolar disorder. I'm very curious if others here deal with hypersexuality caused by their bipolar disorder?

I deal pretty well with most of the issues that go along with being bipolar. I’m learning new coping strategies and taking a class on mindfulness that is helping me to get a grip when I’m having a manic, depressive, or mixed episode most of the times.  I’m in the early stages of the class but am learning to focus my attention on one thing at a time and realizing that sometimes I’m going to wander but that I have to get my focus back on track.  However, with the exception of when I’m depressed I seem to have a real problem with being hypersexual.

I have had sex with people whom I look back and go "what in the hell was I thinking?" And the part that really bothers me is that I can't get enough of it. But at the same time I know deep down, I need to focus my attention on something more positive but in this instance I can’t.  The more I can’t have it the angrier I get and the more manic I become almost to the point where I seem psychotic to myself.   However bad it makes me feel afterwards, it’s one of the only things that really seem to balance my moods out.  It’s a vicious cycle for me that has caused me to lose a couple of jobs and even on medication it’s difficult to sometimes function because of being hypersexual which I’ve been for over a week now.