Day 157 "Dear Diary: I Needed Support When . . ."

It's pretty simple for me Before, During, and After my last treatment change for bipolar. The kind of support of I've ALWAYS needed was from my family and that's been something that I've never received when it comes to my being bipolar. I'm a very private person and telling my friends and confiding in them was and is something I don't do a lot.

Where I have ALWAYS gone for support was the internet. It's not the best place to go because there's nothing like being able to have the support from someone face to face. There's an intimacy there that can't be replaced. For me, I have found a couple of online communities where I could interact with other people about my illness and gain valuable information. These communities I was involved with dealt with more than bipolar which made me have to search out what I needed which ultimately made me bored and I would end up not sticking it out.

This site I’m currently involved in has been the best online community that I've come across to date and has offered me the most in terms of support than any other online place I've been. There's a lot of information that I can go online and find that deals with bipolar but this site is a simple bipolar community where we all just interact and learn from one another. 

Dear Diary, I needed the support of my family from day one but that never happened and I've finally found a community where I can get that support and as a result I'm dealing a little bit better.

Day 155 "Rules To Live By"

Growing up you learn to live by your parents’ rules. Then when you’re on your own you start living by society’s rules. But at some point, you start living by your own rules! What are my top three rules to live by? What makes these rules so important? Are these the kinds of rules everyone should follow?

1. Be honest with yourself and everyone you deal with!
2. Finish what you start!
3. Be thankful for what you have!

These rules are important to me because I want to lead a better life. Ten years ago I only lived for the moment doing what I wanted, saying what I want, and acting anyway I want. As a result, I made a lot of bad decisions on top of bad decisions that impacted my life in a negative way. It's taken me a lot of years to come up with these rules for my life but since I have, my life has been going in a better direction.  

Things are making more sense to me now than ever before. I don't have a lot of material things or lots of money but I've gained a lot of maturity and insight that motivates me to fight the demons within myself and be in better control of my life. I think my top three rules are basic rules that everyone should follow but we are all different and have different needs so what's good for me may not be good for someone else!

I think it's important for everyone to have rules that guide their lives. What matters most is that they work for you:-)  Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another. It basically comes down to what's most important to you when establishing your own set.

Day 150 "As Good As It Gets"

So, what is “normal”? Am I at the point of “As Good As It Gets”? How do I know?

There are certainly many different ways to define "normal". I think what is normal can change constantly because of our situations and what we're going through at the moment. Also, how one person reacts to something can be very different from another person, yet it still is normal in both situations. What I considered normal at a clearer time in my life can be very different for me from day to day now. The funny thing is I ask myself, "What is normal anyway?" Is it normal to just be how you are regardless of what you're going through at the time?

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of depression and anxiety but did a lot of things with my friends and family. As I grew into my thirties I still went out with my friends and did things but as I progressed through my thirties I wanted more alone time as my level of anxiety increased. Now going into my forties I want more "me time" and "alone time"! I still have a desire to do things but it's less of doing things in the moment and more of doing activities that are planned out and meaningful which I guess goes along with how I deal and cope with my bipolar which is to plan and organize my life so I can stay ahead of the game.

I want to be alone a lot because I don't want my negativity and depression to rub off on anyone else or bring anyone down. However, one thing I do now is to force myself to be outside on a daily basis. I plan all my days out ahead of time and in that plan during the warmer months I schedule myself to be outside walking/hiking at least twice a week sometimes more. 

I recently found a place to be by myself outdoors where I can hike, walk, bird watch, sit on a bench, take photographs, or just stare at the sky and be mindful with whatever I’m doing. I also like to sit outside at night before I go to bed and be mindful with my surroundings that helps me to sleep better. In the past I was feeling down a lot or having some sort of negativity going on but in the last few months since I have forced myself to be outside and practicing being mindful of my surroundings my mind is less foggy and more relaxed which makes me feel more normal. 

While what I do might not work for you I think you and everyone else that may be struggling should fight to find that one little place or thing that makes you feel normal and just keep at it. They say once you do something over and over for an extended amount of time you form a habit. In my mind if you can find something that makes you feel good for 5 minutes and make it a habit you are only doing yourself good and creating your own normalcy.

Today marks the 150th day since my treatment began and with that said I'm making a couple of changes to the blog. First, postings will now happen three days per week instead of everyday. I feel that if I had more time to work on the posting it could be developed more and be more meaningful. Finally, I want to add more sections to the blog and with the decrease in postings I can spend more time developing other areas. I'm taking a few days off and the new schedule will take off on Monday October 28, 2013. New postings will appear on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. So, until this coming Monday...Take Care!

Day 149 ''Medical Marijuana"

I am sorry if this subject is too controversial for some people.  I myself have personally been wanting to express and get an opinion of others in my shoes for a very long time, and have never found the right platform to do it.  I am 41, and was diagnosed bi-polar over 5 years ago.  I have in the past turned to alcohol to self medicate, which in turn led me to terrible decision making and more misery.

I realized about 14 years ago that marijuana has a completly different and calming effect on me.  Gone is the irrational thoughts, craziness, and urges that usually get me in trouble.  I find myself much more engaged.  Something I have also noticed is when using small amounts of marijuana daily I have become much more calm and am able to enjoy the little things in life more. 

There are two strains of marijuana and each have different effects.  The strains are Sativa and Indica that is probably more suitable for bipolar disorder.  The Indica strain produces less anxiety and generally it’s more relaxing.  You will not have hallucinations with this strain but you will probably eat more and it’s good for nausea.  Someone with some experience can achieve more medical benefits with the Indica strain.  You'll sleep better, you'll feel more relaxed, but you might get more of that "couch lock" feeling where you are glued to your chair staring at the TV.
Because the word is so polarizing to people socially in regard to marijuana it has to almost be your own dirty little secret, because people think your just advocating drug use, when that couldn’t be furthest from the truth.  Many just refer to you as a "drug addict" so it is something I have had to mostly keep to myself.  It is the one thing that I’ve found that I can use in the same manner as taking a pill every day. 

I haven't smoke marijuana in 16 months but smoked two to three times a day for over 15 years.  I've never had horrible side effects from smoking and have never viewed marijuana as a gateway drug.  I feel like the "dealer" is the gateway because when they don't have marijuana they always have something else to offer.  The people I know that have bad side effects with marijuana are usually drinking as well.  It’s not good to drink with marijuana just as it isn’t good to drink with any medication.

My dream is that it becomes decriminalized and legal in my state because if it's easy to get there's no need for a substitute.  Marijuana always helped me to unwind and feel a sense of normalcy from racing thoughts and rapid cycling.

Everyone is intitled to their opinion and marijuana doesn't work for everybody, which I respect, but what about the people that it benefits?

Day 148 " Feeling Miserable"

Today has been one of those days you just want to end.  I was up almost all night coughing and sneezing.  Every time I thought I was over it and would lay down it would all just start over again.  Needless to say I've been tired all day and all I want to do is sleep.

My mood has been unusually good and stable today considering I feel like a train wreck.  My sister and her kids were at the house today and her kids were just rotten.   They tore the house up and had both my Mom and sister nuts.  However I remained calm and didn't let any of it effect me.

I hope I can sleep better tonight but I'm not going to hold my breath.  I have a lab in the morning to check my current Lithium level and also check my A1C number as well as my fasting blood sugar number.  I have to be at the hospital around 8 in the morning and if tonight is anything like last night I'll be up at 2 in the morning coughing my brains out.  Well that's what's going on in my world and I'm going to sign off and see if I can sleep.

Day 147 "Diet And Being Bipolar, Diabetic, And Having High Blood Pressure"

I have been on a quest to get healthier the last year by quitting smoking, trying to exercise more, and making changes in my diet.  Before I started my diet changes, I was eating a lot of processed foods high in fat, sodium, and eating little to no vegetables.  People that have bipolar disorder have a greater risk of becoming overweight when taking medications that cause heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure.  I have been doing a lot of reading in an effort to learn more about what I put in my body and have found out that a person who has bipolar can greatly benefit from eating a well balanced diet full of nutrient dense foods.  Examples of nutrient dense foods are fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats, fish, eggs, low fat dairy, whole grains, soy products, and nuts and seeds.

There are also a number of diet precautions that people with bipolar disorder should take when making changes to their diet.  Caffeine use should be kept at low to moderate levels because it can lower the sedative effects of some medications and disrupt sleep.  Eating high fat meals can delay the time it takes for many bipolar medications to take effect.  Sodium intake is something that everyone should watch but people who take lithium need to have higher amounts of sodium to keep the levels of lithium from increasing in their blood.

The above information covers how a person with bipolar disorder and high blood pressure should eat but it doesn’t go as far as how a person diagnosed with diabetes should eat.  In addition people with diabetes are encouraged to eat low-carbohydrate, low fat high fiber foods that contain lower amounts of sugar.  Examples of foods to stay away from are lunch meats, fast food, pastries, basically anything that’s processed.  I’m still learning and have a long way to go.  However much of what I’ve learned is that there has to be balance.

Here is the diet plan I’m following:

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Day 146 "What Year And Time Would You Choose?"

I am a date and time person always able to recall specific events that have happened in my life. I can recall who, what, why, and where which boggles the minds of everyone I know. I’m the one in my family that can remember that Christmas in 1981 where I woke the entire house at 4 A.M. yelling that someone was trying to break in our house and steal all the presents. However, it was just the paperboy leaving our newspaper inside the front door as he usually did. I’m the person that people I know call when they need information about weddings, funerals, school events, past weather conditions, or family members. My Grandma used to tell me that I was a walking encyclopedia.

I’m always recalling different times in my life and recently wondered if I had one whole day which to revisit a specific year and time, what would I choose. The year and time I would most like to revisit for one day is any day in September 1985. There were no cell phones or internet and the most popular computers people had were the Apple 2 and Commodore 64. I was thirteen years old and in the eighth grade during that time. The weather was sunny and warm with very little rain. I had two favorite songs which I listened too over and over again which were “We Built This City” by Starship and “Man In Motion (St. Elmos Fire)” by John Parr. Whenever I hear either of these songs today I’m im mediately taken back to the fall of 1985. It was in September 1985 that my parents finally gave me a house key and permitted me to walk home from school for the first time. September 1985 was a stress free time in my life where I was finally able to feel like I was growing up and starting to think about my future as an adult. I was always kind of depressed as a kid but in the spring of 1986 I had my first major bout with depression which I think was the beginning of me being bipolar.

I was wondering if anyone else had a year and time in their life they would like to revisit for one day if they had the chance.

• What year and time would you like to revisit for one day?
• What do you remember about this specific time?
• What kind of impact did this specific time have on your life?

Day 145 "My Movie Starring..."

First off, my movie would be a comedy in the style of a Family Guy episode.  I come from a good family but growing up my family was less than perfect.  We were not the Brady Bunch and really not Leave It To Beaver.  We were always a little sarcastic with each other and someone was always trying to be funny.  We were like a cross between the families on Roseanne and Family Guy with the only exception being that there were four kids in my family.  My film would be a comedy with serious twist to it and more than likely it would be animated.

Seth MacFarlane would be cast as me.  We are close in age and I really enjoy his brand of comedy. He is witty and serious yet he can be very sarcastic which I feel describes me.  Seth would be the main character telling the story of my life by recalling past events.  I don't really have any other preferences on who plays who.  I just know the type of character I would be looking for.

My Mom would be the martyr in my movie.  She is head of the family who is always right, demands things her way, and is OCD.  She is concerned about what others think of her and has major self esteem issues. 

My Dad's character is hardworking, quiet and passive.  He never takes time off from work because he has to support four kids and a wife.  He has moments where he'll be angry but it's usually because he's pushed to that.

My older brother's character is pompous and arrogant.  He enjoys hearing himself talk and always uses long words and phrases.  He is much older than the other children and very selfish.  He expects his parents to get him whatever he wants and has no regard for there being three other children.

My little brother's character is shy and very withdrawn from the family.  He prefers to be alone and has a very short fuse.  He says what he wants and is labeled as a smart mouth at an early age.

My younger sister's character is the spoiled little girl in the family.  She can do no wrong and gets everything she wants.  She has everyone wrapped around her fingers and just expects everyone to do what she wants.  She acts like a brat when she's not around her parents.

My cousin's character is only ten years younger than my Mom (her Aunt) and is an only child.  She is very outspoken and has a narcissistic personality.  She complains a lot and cries when she doesn't get her way which causes everyone to just always give in to her.  She never had siblings of her own and spent a lot of time with our family her entire life.  However, she is very smart, compassionate, and is my best friend.

The actors (or a character from a movie or TV show) that would play each of the people in the life I've described would be as follows.

Mom would be played by Roseanne Barr.  I like Roseanne and think her wild outlook on life could add a funny twist on my Mom's OCD.

My Dad would be played by Clint Eastwood.  He's got a dry sense of humor much like my Dad does and is soft spoken as well.  In every movie he's in he always seems to get the job done which would be perfect for this role.

My older brother would be played by Tom Cruise.  They are very close in age and have similar looks. I think Tom Cruise would be great at being pompous, arrogant, and self-righteous.  Plus he's kind of a short guy which my older brother isn't and to me that would be funny if my older brother could have little man syndrome.  Of course that would be something that the audience would have to figure out on their own.  My older brother is a very strict Catholic and can be very preachy.

My little brother would be played by Neil Patrick Harris.  They are the same age and I Iike his brand of comedy.  He's a lot taller than my little brother but in my story I want my older brother to be short and my little brother to be tall.  My little brother is a lot like my older brother but is more shy, less outgoing, and with a shorter fuse.  My older brother accepts all people but my little brother lives in a world where he only really accepts those people that are white and strict Baptist.  He is also very preachy about his religious beliefs. I think Neil being openly gay could bring a real funny twist on my younger brother's character.

My sister would be played by Amy Schumer who is a comedienne.  They look very similar and Amy is very sarcastic and has a potty mouth which describes my sister.  I think that Amy would make a great Daddy's girl and would knock my sister's character out of the park.

My cousin's character would be played by Rosie O'Donnell.  My cousin has the same type of demeanor that Rosie has.  They are both outspoken, very loud, like to be the center of attention, and can be unapproachable but also very compassionate and intelligent.  I think that Rosie would be perfect to play my cousin and really make the character come to life.

So if I was going to make a movie of my life with bipolar disorder there is the general outline of what I had to work with.  However, I would want my movie to be funny  as well as serious which is why I chose the actors I chose.   I thin it would be funny to watch a Scientologist play a strict Catholic and for a openly gay man to play the character of my little brother who is very unaccepting of gay people.  If I was a little smarter I probably would move forward with this and try to make something out of it.  Who knows, maybe some day I'll have a real movie out.

Day 144 "Motivation And Inspiration"

Motivation is the drive to accomplish a goal or task.  People are motivated by many different things such as money, power, greed, sex, and compassion to name a few.  Me, I’m motivated by wanting to get my bipolar disorder under control before anything else in my life right now.  To accomplish that there’s a bunch of changes I had to make.  First I had to come to grips with the fact that I will have to take medication for the rest of my life.  Second I had to be honest with myself and open up to a therapist about everything I’ve done in my life both good and bad.  For me this meant writing out a timeline from birth until present day.  It got really hard for me when I was describing my jobs because I basically screwed them all up.  However, to get the proper treatment I had to tell it the way it happened.  Finally, I’ve had to learn that compliance to treatment is the only way to get stable and stay that way.  The way I stay compliant is to keep track of everything on a daily tracker.

 

Click on my Daily Tracker to enlarge.

 

Inspiration is the arousal or stimulation of the mind through music, words, pictures, or people.  This is a tough one. I think the biggest inspiration in my life lately is seeing that people do still care about one another and want to help others. Sure there are a lot of people that aren't that way. But I have met people that are going through much tougher times than me and they aren't giving up. That inspires me to face each day with a positive outlook instead of looking at everything in a negative way. I feel inspiration when even just one person goes out of their way for something as simple as holding a door open, someone paying someone else's rent, or helping someone pay for their groceries.  This is what Motivation and Inspiration mean to me!

Day 143 "Medication Changes Today"

Today I still feel sick.  I'm coughing, sneezing, and feel very tired.  All I want to do is sleep but that's not possible because I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner today and then have to pick my nephew up from school.  I hope today goes smoothly because I'm in no mood for anything to go wrong.  My mood is on the low side today and I'm very irritable.

So I had my appointment with Sharon, my nurse practitioner, today and she made several changes to my treatment.

1. 1.  She changed my daily dose of Lithium from 1200mg to 1500mg.  I was at the lower end of the therapeutic range (.60) and she thinks the higher dose will help my hypomania.  She also explained to me that Lithium is the drug that has been causing my tremors and that if needed she can get me a pill to help that.
2. 2.  She took me off the Abilify because of all the manic behavior I've been having.  I was on it for three weeks and was hypersexual, constantly cleaning, irritable, not sleeping, and having restless leg syndrome.
3. 3.  She prescribed me a newer anti psychotic called Latuda at 40mg for one week then 60mg after that.  She said this drug has side effects like all the other anti psychotics but this drug has a better track record so far. 

My blood pressure today was 130/78 and my heart rate was 70.  I have to see the nurse to get this drug every month so she's going to keep track of my blood pressure, heart rate, and weight.  I really feel like they care about me and It just makes me want to be that more compliant.  I have to get this illness under control and appreciate that they listen to me.  On that note I'm gong to sign off and go to bed.  I need to get myself better.

Day 142 "Sick Today"

This is the first time in a long time where I don't feel depressed and like I want to curl up in a dark room and hide from everyone.  I feel steady and am not stressed out.  I have some medication issues that still have to be worked out because of I’ve had some side effects and am hypomanic but overall I’m feeling better than I did in the summer.

However, I’m sick and pretty much want to stay in bed all day.  I have a light fever, headache, coughing and really achy.  I think maybe I have a seasonal thing because I always seem to get a bug right around the time the weather changes.  It never fails; when the seasons change I get a bug of some sort.  At this point I’m looking forward to getting over this cold I have and getting on with my life.

Tomorrow I see Sharon, my nurse practitioner, to go over my Lithium results.  We are also going to discuss my current drug cocktail.  I feel the Ablilify has caused me to become manic especially since my dose of Lithium was raised.  The Abilify has also caused me to have a slight tremor in my left hand and restless leg syndrome.  I can’t sit still sometimes and it drives me insane.  Now that my Lithium has been raised I want to know why I’m hypomanic so much?  I don’t have an answer for that yet but will hopefully get that tomorrow.  Finally, the Klonopin is OK but I feel like it’s doing nothing for me.  I have a lot of anxiety, have been crying a lot, and been very angry and irritable.  Is there another benzodiazepine that might work better?  Hopefully I’ll get an answer tomorrow for that question as well.  For now I’m going to bed and I will give an update tomorrow when the appointment is over.

Day 141 "Not Feeling Great Today"

Today has been a weird day for me.  I have been hypomanic and got a lot of word done outside.  I mowed both my yard and my cousins yard.  I also organized the garage and did some more organizing in my bedroom.  However,  I have felt really slow today and have wanted to lay down and take a nap from the time I woke up.  I have just felt a little off and I don't know why.  I do know that I that I see my nurse practitioner on Wednesday and I think there will be some medication changes as  I'm still having the restless legs and the tremor in my left hand.

Tomorrow is going to be a lo9ng day for me and I hope I can get through it.  I have group therapy in the morning and then I have to pick my nephew up from school and babysit him until his Mom gets home from work.  If I'm lucky maybe I'll get to catch a nap at my sister's house tomorrow.  Anyway, I'm going to get off here and get a good night sleep and hopefully that will make me feel better tomorrow.

Day 140 "Square Breathing"

This past couple of weeks in my group session on Mindfulness we worked on a technique called Square Breathing.  This technique is a simple way to refocus your attention and a great way to bring calmness and tranquility to yourself.  This technique can be done anywhere anytime but my group leader suggested the most effective way to do this technique is to sit tall in your chair, both feet flat on the floor, and your arms at your side. After that, there are just four simple breathing segments each done to a count of four.

• Inhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4
• Exhale 1 2 3 4
• Hold 1 2 3 4 

You can repeat the process making sure to focus on the breath until you feel relaxed.   I’ve been doing the technique everyday for the last two weeks and have to do the technique five or six times to feel relaxed.  However, the more I practice the technique the more I feel it’s working.  It’s such a simple tool to help someone who has anxiety and I highly suggest it.

Today has been a pretty good day for me.  I took my Mom shopping today and that’s an activity that drives me insane.  I feel a ton of anxiety when I have to go in a store. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.  I worked in retail for over ten years and many times suffered panic attacks.  In any event, Square Breathing helped me to feel less anxiety today and made my day a whole lot better.

Day 139 "Seasonal Changes And Their Effects"

I've been hypomanic /manic for the last three weeks but I also feel like I could sleep the days away.  I've also been having some balance problems, tremors in my left hand, restless leg syndrome, and some muscle weakness.   In addition to all that my daily dose of lithium was raised from 900mg to 1200mg and it’s had no effect on me at all.   When I first started taking it my mania stopped dead in it’s tracks.  The abilify has to be the reason I’ve been so manic lately or I’ve even thought it could be the change in seasons.

I think I’ve always had seasonal affective disorder and have found that it gets worse each year.   When the days start getting shorter it is harder for me to get out of bed.  If you live in a northeastern state like Ohio that can be a huge issue especially if the winter is cold and harsh.   There have been a few winters where we’ve been house bound for weeks on end.   It can be very depressing especially when the snow won’t stop.

I also tend to set myself up for a fall with expectations for the holidays.  They can be a enjoyable but I always have unrealistic expectations of loving family times, lots of gifts, baking, and doing things we didn't have time or money for when I was a child that end up making me more depressed than before the holidays.  I often just feel left out of things during the holidays and find it to be one of my more challenging times of the year.

In any event I’m going to work with my nurse practitioner to make sure my medications are at the correct dosages so that I can cope better.   I’m also going to continue to work on leading a more mindful life where I focus on what is in front of me and observe how it feels, smells, looks, and acts.   Maybe the fact that I haven’t acted in a mindful way in the past has contributed to some of my problems.

Day 138 "How This Week Is Going"

Today and the last few days I've felt pretty much the same.  My mood has been moderately elevated and I've been having some side effects with the Abilify.  My legs are still restless and I have a slight tremor in my left hand which bothers me a little bit.  I see my nurse practitioner this coming week and I'm going to see if there's something else that i can take with less side effects.

I have been hypomanic most of this week.  I have been organizing, cleaning, rearranging things, and having rapid speech.  However, I haven't been hypersexual which is a good thing.  Usually when I'm hypomanic I'm very hypersexual which is hard for me to control.  Tonight is my Uncles 82nd. birthday and my cousin and I are going to go see him.  I took some pictures I had of his beloved golden retriever who passed away framed for him.  I'm hoping it's a nice night.

Day 137 "How I Feel About My Bipolar Disorder"

I was recently asked if I’m open about my bipolar disorder or do I just mask it.  Here’s what my friend had to say about his disorder.

“I will be honest. I am ashamed of my bipolar label.  Just the other day I was at the grocery store and one of the workers called an angry customer "Bipolar".  People don't even know what that means.  To some it even means I'm an axe murderer.  I avoid the label at all costs.  I collect social security disability, but I don't want people to know about it.  To the world I'm just a regular guy in between jobs.  I never tell people I'm Bipolar.  I feel such shame with the label.   To make matters worse my friends and family that know my label have spread the word.  I notice that people that know don't bother to talk to me the same way.”

Me, I don't tell anyone about being Bipolar unless I've been friends with them for years so for me it's on a need to know basis.  People are afraid of people with bipolar disorder and for good reason; it carries a negative connotation with it.  Every time there is a mass shooting it's a person with a mental illness and usually its bipolar disorder.

Even Dr's treat you differently when you tell them you’re bipolar.  You'll notice that when you have a medical issue it will be blamed on your meds first and next it will be your disease.  It's in your head either way which is a shame.  I don't even tell my Dr's unless they need to know.  I educate myself but have stopped trying to educate others.  From my experience with others, it's a seeing is believing society that we live in and you have to experience it first hand to believe it.

When I was working my last full time job I did have, what I thought was, a good friend who I opened up to and told him I was bipolar.  However, his first words were "Are you on medication?”   He has become distant since.  I know it is due to all the negative press about people with bipolar disorder. So, I learned that it's best to not discuss it at work and tried very hard to stay as positive as possible which we all know is impossible some days.  There were days I wanted to tell my boss "Look, I’m having a manic episode, SO LEAVE ME ALONE YOU WITCH!!”  Instead I just got to a point where I couldn’t function anymore and walked out.

Everyday I dream about of a life of seclusion where my bipolar will be under control!  I dream of owning a little house in the country with a fireplace and lots of trees.  I long for that day when I can wake up and feel free and just enjoy the day.  However, until that day I'm going to learn to be more mindful and live in the moment.

Day 136 "What Really Get's Me Going"

Not much has changed since yesterday.  I still have restless legs, a slight tremor in my left hand, I drool because of the Bell's palsy, and I continue to be hypomanic even though my lithium dose was raised.  I also have been really moody and really blew up on my Mom tonight and she knows how to press my buttons.

I feel like I my Mom and sister run my life.  I do whatever they want basically but I find myself resenting both of them for all the stuff they ask of me.  The part that really bothers is that they usually just decide what I'm going to do and and then let me know.  I've tried setting boundaries and rules that basically request that they run things past past me or ask before scheduling me to do something.  I've asked this at least a dozen times but they keep doing what they do.  It just annoys the crap out of me.

I asked my Mom tonight what would happen if something were to happen to me or I have an appointment what my sister would do and she got really angry and said that my sister had backup if she needed it.  Well, I've never heard of any backup, I'm it.  Then my Mom continued and said that families are supposed to stick together and help one another.  She's told me that my brothers and sister will take care of me when I'm older If  I need them to.  I just can't accept that statement because all my siblings know I'm having a rough time right now and none of them have offered me a helping hand.  As a matter of fact I feel like they ignore me now more than ever.

Day 135 "Pick Me Ups And Bring Me Downs"

In the various environments and surroundings we encounter each day, there are sights, smells, sounds, tastes, feelings and so many other things taking place around us.  Some of these may set us off in good ways and bad.  For example, I turn to music when I need a pick me up.  It's not always the words that make me feel good but more about the sound of the music and picking out nuances, key changes, and places where musicians are out of tune.  I listen to a lot of instrumental music which makes it easier to do this as the musicians are actually playing an instrument.  It just takes me to a whole different place where nothing else matters.

I also love the smells at the holidays. My Mom has had her decorations stored in the same boxes for years and those smells take me back to my childhood and that makes me feel like a kid again.  I also have a Christmas coloring book I bought in 1980 that I get out every year and color a little in it and that really takes me back to my childhood. I was in the third grade then.

On the flip-side of that watching the news always makes me anxious because it's always doom and gloom.  The first fifteen minutes of my local news is most always about death.  I only ever really watch it for the weather but I can get that online.  Another thing that sets off negative feelings is the on ramp to the expressway.  This happens because people are always texting while they drive, speeding, and not paying attention to what's going on around them.  I'm not afraid to drive the highway but it makes me very nervous.

I have also been participating in a weekly group session on mindfulness and have noticed that some of the techniques we've been talking about can help pick me up.  What I've been practicing is concentrating on what is right in front of me and if I drift off I bring myself back.  Concentrating on one thing at a time makes life easier and provides more time for enjoyment and less stress.

Day 134 "Today Was Like Yesterday"

Last night  I had a hard time sleeping.  My legs were very restless and I couldn't get comfortable.  I just wanted to sleep and it was impossible.  I also had some more tremors in my left hand which are starting to disturb me a little bit.  I see my therapist on Wednesday and will be talking to her about all this.  I also plan on stopping in and seeing the nurse to see what she has to say about all of this.

My mood today has been a little bit irritable and I attribute that to these side effects I'm having.  I had to babysit my nephew today for a few hours and I was short tempered with him several times.  These side effects are keeping me from sleeping and it's driving me nuts.  I do have one good thing to report about today and it's that I followed my diabetic diet on SparkPeople and my sugar was 135 last night before I went to bed.  That's one of the lowest readings I've had since I started monitoring it.

Day 133 "More Reason To Question My Medications"

Last night I wasn't as manic as I was the entire day before and I was able to sleep pretty good.  The only trouble had was that my legs were very restless and I couldn't get comfortable.  I was up and down several times during the night moving from the bed to the chair and back to the bed again.  My nurse practitioner said that I might experience this side effect with Abilify and I will be telling her about it.  I started having this symptom when I went from the 5mg to10mg tablet and it's mostly during the day that I experience it.   Maybe there's a drug that can counter act that symptom that she can prescribe.

Another symptom I've been experiencing is tremors in my left hand.  I had a few when I first started out on the Abilify and then nothing more until I went to the 10mg.  The tremors seem to happen both when I'm stressed and just relaxing.  Other people have noticed it more than me but it concerns me.  I don't want another problem in addition to all the other problems I currently have.  The paralysis I had with the Bell's Palsy over the summer is gone but I still drool  a lot which can be annoying.

Other than all of the above my day went pretty good.  I went to breakfast with my cousin and one of her friends.  I actually had a nice time.  We then went for a car ride later in the day to look at trick-or-treat lights and it was a bust.  We saw like four good houses.  Hopefully the lights will get better as we get closer to Halloween.

Day 132 "Not Sure If My Present Medications Are Right For Me"

Last night I got about six hours of sleep and that's been about what I've been sleeping on average a night.  Today I didn't feel bad but again was hypomanic and hypersexual.  I had this need to get things done yesterday.  I washed clothes, cleaned the kitchen, garaged, and rearranged the living room.  I'm not all that disappointed that I was like this because I was productive and that felt good.  However, I began to notice that I was hypersexual and began cruising the internet looking for sex.  It then hit me that all the cleaning I was doing was what I used to do when I was preparing to have someone over and that's what my goal tonight.

Right now I'm upset with myself and angry that I found nobody at the same time.  I could take somebodies head off I'm so angry right now.  This past week I started taking more Lithium and I know I've only been on it a week but this hypersexual behavior has to stop.  It's dangerous to have sex with total strangers and it's something that happens when I'm manic and hypomanic.  I can't control it and it scares me.  I see my therapist this coming Wednesday and we have some things to talk about.  I need a solution or I'm going to go nuts.  You would think with the amount of medication I take I wouldn't be having as many problems.

Day 131 "Trying To Become More Mindful"

Taken from the website Mindfulnet.org “Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to, and seeing clearly whatever is happening in our lives.  It will not eliminate life's pressures, but it can help us respond to them in a calmer manner that benefits our heart, head, and body.  It helps us recognise and step away from habitual, often unconscious emotional and physiological reactions to everyday events.   It provides us with a scientifically researched approach to cultivating clarity, insight, and understanding.  Practicing mindfulness allows us to be fully present in our life and work, and improve our quality of life.”
Here is a video by clinical mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn breiflyexplaining what mindfulness is.



Yesterday I had a real bad day and got dwelled on everything that was wrong in my life and as a result i was full of anxiety, anger, resentment, depression, and mania.  You name the emotion and I was feeling it.  I recently started taking a weekly class on mindfulness and while I'm not very far in the class I find that letting go of everything and concentrating on one thing at a time helps me to realx and be more calm.  At the beginning of each class we do a meditation and while I have a hard time sometimes following it I am getting better at getting my mind back on track.  My class is for the next twelve weeks and as I learn more I plan on doing a sectionon this site soley dedicated to mindfulness.

Here is a video by clinical mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn leading a short meditation exercise.



I have so much stress and anxiety in my life right now.  Everything that can go wrong seems to have gone wrong.  I feel like I'm at the point of rock bottom right now and I'm hoping that learning how to be more mindful will help me to become a better person.  I want to be more focused, less angry, less judgemental, less resentful of what others have, and lead my life with facts rather than emotions.
                                         

Day 130 "Again, Another Bad Day"

Last night I didn't sleep real well and was up and down all night.  I was very restless and couldn't get get comfortable.  I so wish that I could get stabilized because I'll have a few good days and then a bunch of bad ones.  I so want to work some day but at this rate I don't know how I would be able to handle it.  I've even talked about owning my own business but at this point I don't know if I could be consistent enough to handle the operations.  It all makes me feel like a big piece of garbage and that's what my day has been like.

I don't know where to begin but I can tell you that today I could have easily thrown in the hat and left this world.  The only thing that keeps me from doing harm to myself is my family.  As much as I don't have any support I couldn't take my own life and leave them like that.  Plus I'm supposed to be optimistic and that believe it or not helped me through the day.

Anyway here's a list of what bugged me today to the point of  having thoughts of self harm:

• Every piece of electronic equipment I own is broken and needs fixed.
• My car is broken and I have no way to fix it unless someone helps me and that's not going to happen.
• My Mom constantly rides me about using her car saying I'm putting too much mileage on it even though it was her idea for us to share it.
• My Mom is OCD about EVERYTHING and wanted to babysit the grand kids today but once they were here she was complaining about everything they did.
• My favorite uncle is really sick and I suggested to my cousin that the doctors be questioned again about the safety of his radiation/chemotherapy and she flew off the handle at me and got hysterical. 
• I've been eating non stop all day and have eaten a lot of sugar today which I'm sure has spiked my sugar.
• I have to go for an A1C test in three weeks and I'm scared to death that my number will haven't improved and I'll be put on insulin shots which I totally am not up to doing.
• Today I started my larger dosage of Lithium and I experienced diarrhea this afternoon.
• Today I binged and purged for the first time since I first started taking medication.
• Today I've felt generally worthless and helpless to myself as well as everyone else.

So I just had to get that all off my chest and now I'm going to move on.  Sometimes it feels good to get things out in the open.  I an tell you that it's helped my anxiety which has been really high today.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to try and leave all this stuff behind and start over tomorrow.  I hope and pray I can do it!

Day 129 "Another Bad Day"

Last night I slept about six hours and was able to get up fairly easy this morning.  Today I took my uncle to get the results of his PET scan for his Esophageal Cancer.  There was so much to take in and so many big words that had me puzzled.  However, I did understand when the doctor told my uncle he was stage 4 and that the cancer was not only in his esophagus but in the lymph nodes around his esophagus, in his adrenal gland, and in his stomach.  The doctor told him there was no cure for him and that the treatment would be to keep the cancer from spreading with a possibility of a remission.  My uncle keeps losing weight though and the doctor told him that he must drink nutrition (5 to 6 a day) in addition to what he can eat so that he can remain strong.  He was told if he continues to lose weight they‘ll put a feeding tube in him.  In any event he’s going to have radiation Monday through Friday for four to five weeks and one chemotherapy treatment per week during that period.  Other than that I don’t know a whole lot but will post more as I find out.

My overall mood today has been mixed.  This morning I felt depressed and really down.  I would imagine that had a lot to do with going to see the cancer doctor.  Then, in the afternoon my mood got better and seemed to stabilize.  After dinner things escalated and became hypersexual which lasted till right now.  I have been trying all night to find someone to have sex with me and I can’t stop.  The fact that I’m striking out has made me very angry

I've not really seen much about hypersexuality with other people who have bipolar disorder. I'm very curious if others here deal with hypersexuality caused by their bipolar disorder?

I deal pretty well with most of the issues that go along with being bipolar. I’m learning new coping strategies and taking a class on mindfulness that is helping me to get a grip when I’m having a manic, depressive, or mixed episode most of the times.  I’m in the early stages of the class but am learning to focus my attention on one thing at a time and realizing that sometimes I’m going to wander but that I have to get my focus back on track.  However, with the exception of when I’m depressed I seem to have a real problem with being hypersexual.

I have had sex with people whom I look back and go "what in the hell was I thinking?" And the part that really bothers me is that I can't get enough of it. But at the same time I know deep down, I need to focus my attention on something more positive but in this instance I can’t.  The more I can’t have it the angrier I get and the more manic I become almost to the point where I seem psychotic to myself.   However bad it makes me feel afterwards, it’s one of the only things that really seem to balance my moods out.  It’s a vicious cycle for me that has caused me to lose a couple of jobs and even on medication it’s difficult to sometimes function because of being hypersexual which I’ve been for over a week now.

Day 128 "Eating Was Out Of Control Today"

Today my dosage of Lithium was raised.  I'm now taking 600mg both in the morning and evening.  My nurse practitioner raised my daily dose by 300mg.  I'm hoping this dosage change will help to balance me out so that I have less hypomania.  Even though I'm feeling better I'm still very hypersexual and I want that to end.  It's something that could get me in to trouble.

My appetite today has been bad.  I've been eating everything in site and can't stop.  I don't know if it's because of the medications I'm on or if it's stress eating.  I just know that my morning glucose readings have been over 200 the last three days.  I have to do something about my diet or I'm going to end up on insulin and I just won't deal with that well at all. 

I'm going to get on the  SparkPeople  website and see about setting up a meal plan for myself.  It's the only place on the Internet that's free.  They also have trackers I can use to track my glucose readings, weight, or whatever I choose.  I feel lazy because I 've used this site before and haven't been using it since I was told I was diabetic.  I just know I have to do something NOW.  I also got my new walking shoes and need to put them to good use and hit the pavement.

Tomorrow my uncle gets the results of his Pet Scan from his Oncologist and we'll finally know what we're dealing with.  The Radiation Oncologist seemed very optimistic about him beating this cancer but I felt a little like she was giving us false hope.  I hope I'm wrong about her and I pray that these doctors can help my uncle get a couple more good years of life.