"Merry Christmas"

I would like to wish anyone that may read this blog a Merry Christmas. 

I'm always down this time of year because I don't have a lot of money to spend on presents and I also don't have a significant other.  I tell myself every year that I'm not going to get in that negative type of mind set.  However, year after year I do the same thing and have the same kinds of thoughts.  The closer Christmas gets the angrier I get, the more anxiety I feel the more inappropriate my behavior becomes.  I have said a lot of off color things this holiday season and it's upsetting because everyone thinks I'm funny when I'm actually crying on the inside which makes my rage even more intense. 

I went to church last night with my cousin and after listening to the sermon it hit me that I'm focusing on the wrong things at Christmas.  Christmas is about the birth of Jesus not about if a person has a girlfriend or boyfriend.  It also doesn't matter how much money you have to buy presents with.  With that said my goal for 2015 is to learn more about the Bible and lead a more religious life.  While I still have plenty of manic feelings going to church and looking at Christmas a little differently helped me out.

"How My Bipolar Disorder Is Doing"

I haven't written a whole lot about how my Bipolar Disorder lately and thought it's about time for an update.  The last six weeks or so I've been more hypomanic than at any other time this year.  I've been more aggressive with other people and always ready to start a fight.  Anxiety has been a really tough issue for me and can happen because of a number of things including being around lots of people, driving, watching television, or being startled.  The possibilities with my anxiety are endless and don't follow a set pattern at all.  About the last six weeks I've also been very hypersexual and looking at lots of pornography.  I don't presently have my own car which is a good thing because if I did I would be out soliciting sex from both males and females.  Just being able to type that here makes me feel good because when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I really couldn't come to grips with any of it.  I buried myself inside the shame of all the bad things I had done and let them consume me.  I've also been experiencing a number of other symptoms such as reduced need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, and deep depression.

To say the least, the last six weeks have been rough is an understatement.  I haven't had any changes in my medications and my psychiatrist  doesn't want to change any doses just yet because of other medications I'm taking.  To cope with this hypomanic behavior I've been doing a number of things.  I listen to guided meditations every night before I go to bed which help to relax my mind and give me a fresh start.  I also find that writing helps me to relax and put things in perspective.  This isn't an all inclusive list of how I handle my Bipolar simply because every time it invades my head it's different.  I can usually feel that something isn't right but I don't always have the same symptoms.  As of right now I'm trying really hard to do what I need to do and praying that this episode will pass.

"An Update On Me"

2014 has been a pretty rough year for me in terms of medical issues.  Am I going to survive everything?  At this point my answer would be yes.  It's just that I had so many things happen at the same time that it was all very overwhelming.  Had I not neglected to see a doctor for close to fifteen years my medical issues probably would have been spread out over time and a little less overwhelming.  However it may be I'm just glad that I'm getting things taken care of now.  In addition to Bipolar Disorder I'm also being treated for Diabetes Type 2, Acid Reflux, High Blood Pressure, Adrenal Adenoma, Sleep Disorder, Persistent Cough, Frozen Shoulder, and most recently a Fatty Liver.  This isn't the entire list of everything I've got going on but it's all the major things. 

I've been upset about all of this but have come to the conclusion that all I can do is move forward and try to do better by my body.  My right side close to my Liver has been hurting a little bit the last six months or so and when I was told I have a Fatty Liver I flipped out.  Every bad thing went through my head and I felt like my days were numbered.  All I could think about was me dying and that scene played out in my head hundreds of times.  I finally got sick of it and thought about what the doctor had told me which was that he was going to monitor my Liver with blood work and that I should seriously lose weight which can help my liver to repair itself.  So, I'm giving the diet thing another chance and trying to lose as much weight as possible.  Seeing that it's Christmas I probably won't lose a lot but one Christmas and New Year's are done I'll be on a quest to lose a lot of weight.  I'm hoping this time will be a little different because I have the help of a Dietitian to learn the proper way to eat.

If I can achieve substantial weight loss in 2015 some of my health problems may go away which would be awesome.  Anyway, that's an update on me and where I'm at. 

"How I See Christmas"

I always had big dreams when I was a kid of how grand the Christmas holiday would be when I was an adult. There were lots of lights, gifts, friends, family, and food. My being bipolar screwed everything up for me. Maybe if I would have been diagnosed at an earlier age Christmas could be different for me.  I live with my Mother and her along with my sister try and make my Christmas nice which I'll always appreciate. They make sure I have a roof, clothing, and food. I haven't worked for almost four four years now and when you can't afford to give back to everyone thats given to you it's hard and very depressing. I try to stay to myself during the holidays because I get upset often and have a lot of anxiety. However, even though Christmas is hard for me I like to watch "It's A Wonderful Life", "White Christmas", Christmas Vacation" plus whatever is on the Hallmark Channel. I also like to drive around and look at lights during the month of December. While watching old movies and driving around doesn't always make me feel great it does help me to unwind in my head.

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING"

Hello everyone!  It's been over a month since my last post and during that time I've had a lot of things going on in my life.  With that said I want to wish anyone that might read this a Happy Thanksgiving.  For me, Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on the history of our countries  first Thanksgiving in 1621 which was a celebration in honor of a good harvest.  This day also is a time where I give thanks for all the blessings I have in my life.  This year has been a tough year for me but I've got a good family, medical insurance for the first time in years, and better understanding of myself. 

Since I've last posted I have a number of things to update you on.  First off, I got the results back from a scan I had done on my coronary arteries and everything is good.  I have no blockages and it's alright for me to resume activity which is a good thing.  Second, I had a CT scan of my chest and everything looked alright except for a small nodule on my right adrenal gland.  In the CT scan they called the nodule Adrenal Adenoma.  I did some reading about it and almost all Adrenal Adenomas are benign which made me feel good.  However, tomorrow I'm having another CT scan done of my adrenal glands just to find out for sure if my nodule is benign.

For now I'm not going to get upset about this small nodule but instead remain calm and live life.  Getting upset about it just gets those little demons that pop in my head from time to time a reason to visit.  So, being as calm as I can be is the best medicine for me.  I will keep everyone up to date on what's happening and again Happy Thanksgiving!

"Update"

It's been a week since my last post and while I wanted to write it was just hard for me to do much of anything this past week but worry.  I new I had an appointment with the Cardiologist this morning and I couldn't get my mind off of it wondering whether my appointment would go well or end up bad.  Well, After going over my stress test, giving me another EKG, and listening to my heart the doctor said she doesn't think I will need a heart catherization but would like to do a CT scan of my heart so that she can get a look at my coronary arteries.  She said she would do this route first rather than do invasive procedure on me if I don't need it.  For now I need to focus on the good I have going for me and try to forget about those things which I stress about. 

"This Week So Far"

This week started out pretty good for me.  I have been taking all my medications like I should be and am feeling better than I was.  The last month I've been masking the way I feel from everyone and I feel like I was in a crisis situation that maybe I should have made a trip to the hospital.  I wasn't taking my medications right, I felt very suicidal, and I was very emotional.  I did happen to lose 10 pounds which is great because of all the weight I've put on.  I just have about 150 pounds to go.

Anyway, back to this week.  I went to my primary care doctor to follow up with him about the stress test I had done two weeks ago and my diabetes.  He said my stress test looked pretty good and that I should start to really work out to lose weight and keep my diabetes in check.  After going through all that he said he wanted to get blood from me since I had fasted and  that he wanted to see me back in three weeks.  Well, I see a third second year resident and everything he does has to go through his
superior.  After about ten minutes of waiting for the nurse to come back in and get my blood the doctor came back in said he needed to talk to me before I left.  So after the nurse took my blood the doctor came back in and wanted to talk about my stress test.

Apparently when he was going over my chart with his boss she said that even though my stress test came back pretty good she wanted him to cover all bases with and refer me to a Cardiologist.  He said that I have a Mild Anterior Ischemia which may be the cause of all the weight I've gained or there may be a blockage somewhere.  My entire mood changed and I felt defeated again.  I know that everything will probably be OK but it just seems like I can't catch a break.  If it isn't one thing it's always another with me.  While the doctor was talking to me I just sat there and stared at him while I cried on the inside.

So my appointment with the Cardiologist is next week and I'm going to try and keep an open mind about.  I'm not going to do too much reading about it on the internet and just do what I was told to do until my appointment.  The doctor put me on a baby aspirin, Statin, and instructed me to limit my physical activity until further notice.