Day 129 "Another Bad Day"

Last night I slept about six hours and was able to get up fairly easy this morning.  Today I took my uncle to get the results of his PET scan for his Esophageal Cancer.  There was so much to take in and so many big words that had me puzzled.  However, I did understand when the doctor told my uncle he was stage 4 and that the cancer was not only in his esophagus but in the lymph nodes around his esophagus, in his adrenal gland, and in his stomach.  The doctor told him there was no cure for him and that the treatment would be to keep the cancer from spreading with a possibility of a remission.  My uncle keeps losing weight though and the doctor told him that he must drink nutrition (5 to 6 a day) in addition to what he can eat so that he can remain strong.  He was told if he continues to lose weight they‘ll put a feeding tube in him.  In any event he’s going to have radiation Monday through Friday for four to five weeks and one chemotherapy treatment per week during that period.  Other than that I don’t know a whole lot but will post more as I find out.

My overall mood today has been mixed.  This morning I felt depressed and really down.  I would imagine that had a lot to do with going to see the cancer doctor.  Then, in the afternoon my mood got better and seemed to stabilize.  After dinner things escalated and became hypersexual which lasted till right now.  I have been trying all night to find someone to have sex with me and I can’t stop.  The fact that I’m striking out has made me very angry

I've not really seen much about hypersexuality with other people who have bipolar disorder. I'm very curious if others here deal with hypersexuality caused by their bipolar disorder?

I deal pretty well with most of the issues that go along with being bipolar. I’m learning new coping strategies and taking a class on mindfulness that is helping me to get a grip when I’m having a manic, depressive, or mixed episode most of the times.  I’m in the early stages of the class but am learning to focus my attention on one thing at a time and realizing that sometimes I’m going to wander but that I have to get my focus back on track.  However, with the exception of when I’m depressed I seem to have a real problem with being hypersexual.

I have had sex with people whom I look back and go "what in the hell was I thinking?" And the part that really bothers me is that I can't get enough of it. But at the same time I know deep down, I need to focus my attention on something more positive but in this instance I can’t.  The more I can’t have it the angrier I get and the more manic I become almost to the point where I seem psychotic to myself.   However bad it makes me feel afterwards, it’s one of the only things that really seem to balance my moods out.  It’s a vicious cycle for me that has caused me to lose a couple of jobs and even on medication it’s difficult to sometimes function because of being hypersexual which I’ve been for over a week now.

Day 128 "Eating Was Out Of Control Today"

Today my dosage of Lithium was raised.  I'm now taking 600mg both in the morning and evening.  My nurse practitioner raised my daily dose by 300mg.  I'm hoping this dosage change will help to balance me out so that I have less hypomania.  Even though I'm feeling better I'm still very hypersexual and I want that to end.  It's something that could get me in to trouble.

My appetite today has been bad.  I've been eating everything in site and can't stop.  I don't know if it's because of the medications I'm on or if it's stress eating.  I just know that my morning glucose readings have been over 200 the last three days.  I have to do something about my diet or I'm going to end up on insulin and I just won't deal with that well at all. 

I'm going to get on the  SparkPeople  website and see about setting up a meal plan for myself.  It's the only place on the Internet that's free.  They also have trackers I can use to track my glucose readings, weight, or whatever I choose.  I feel lazy because I 've used this site before and haven't been using it since I was told I was diabetic.  I just know I have to do something NOW.  I also got my new walking shoes and need to put them to good use and hit the pavement.

Tomorrow my uncle gets the results of his Pet Scan from his Oncologist and we'll finally know what we're dealing with.  The Radiation Oncologist seemed very optimistic about him beating this cancer but I felt a little like she was giving us false hope.  I hope I'm wrong about her and I pray that these doctors can help my uncle get a couple more good years of life.

Day 127 "Still Feeling Like I'm Balancing Out"

Last night I had another pretty good night of sleep.  I think I got around seven hours and was happy with that.  My mood today was OK and I had no anger.  Today was another day where I felt like I was balancing out a little.  I'm going to try and stay optimistic about it but I know there's a chance that in a few days everything could go bad again.  In the meantime I'm going to try and concentrate on my eating habits, exercising, and my daily tracking.  it's been a good month since I last tracked.  How am I going to be able to look for patterns of moods and behaviors that effect my bipolar if I don't keep track. 

The tracker I was using did the job but I needed something a little more personalized.  In addition to my mood chart I needed to keep track of problems I sometimes have so that I can identify when I'm going into a manic, depressive, or mixed episode.  Doing this will help me to come up with better coping strategies so that I can be in control.  Here is a copy of my latest tracker.

Most recent tracker.  Click picture to enlarge.

Day 126 "Starting To Balance Out"

I've been very mixed the last week or so mostly manic but some depression along with it.  Last night  I slept for eight hours and got up this morning with no problems.  This is the first good night of sleep I've had in days and it felt great.  I feel like I'm starting to balance out on the new medication and I so far there are no major side effects to report.

My overall mood today has been positive and upbeat.  I went for a ride with my cousin and did a little hiking in and area we call The Falls but is better known as Dundee Falls located in Dundee, Ohio.  Dundee Falls is a series of waterfalls both small and large connected along a by a water way surrounded by large glacier rock.  I hadn't been there in a number of tears and it was really nice to get out and actually enjoy myself. 

Dundee Falls in Dundee, Ohio.  Click picture to enlarge.

Standing in small cave behind the Falls.  Click picture to enlarge.

Tonight I feel like I've had a complete day filled with enjoyment.  Today is the first time in weeks that I've felt optimistic that I'm going to beat this horrible illness.  I just pray that my mood continues to stabilize and that I can enjoy life again.

Day 125 "Today Was A Mix Of Depression and Anger"

Last night I slept for five hours which is the longest I've slept in days.  My mood today was a mix of depression and anger.  I was very down all day and felt like crawling in a whole till I felt better.  However that wasn't an option today as I had yard work to do that I was able to get most of it down.  Also today I was ready to snap at the littlest thing and on three or four occasions I ripped in to my Mom makin us both feel bad.  Sometimes you say things you can  never take back.  I can't wait till I get a medication change  because I've been having a lot of problems and could use some e relief.  That's all I have to say for tonight and am going to bed.

Day 124 "Today Was A Mixed Day"

Last night I did not sleep well and like the last few nights ended up on the computer looking for sex.  I don' understand why when I get stressed my mind goes to sex even though I don't want it too.  However, I know it's all about immediate gratification and sex could give me that.  It's much like binging and purging in the sense that I can at like a total pig, then throw it up and feel like I got to consume everything I wanted without the calories.  However, I do know there are consequences to everything and the the consequence I suffer with most is my anger when I don't get sex or if I binge and purge.  One minute I'm happy because of what I'm doing and the next I'm angry and want to jump off a bridge.  It's a vicious cycle and I just want to get past it.

I called my nurse practitioner's nurse today and left a message for her telling her of my symptoms and I'm hoping she calls me back on Monday with good news.  Ideally I would like to up my dosage of Lithium especially since I'm on the low end of a therapeutic scale.  I don't understand why all of a sudden this hypomania has happened but and why the Lithium isn't taking care of it.  All I can say is that maybe the Abilify causes the Lithium to be a little less effective.  I'm not going to pretend to know but just wait and see what the nurse finds out.  I hope tomorrow things start to calm down.

Day 123 "More Hypomania Today"

Last night I only slept about an hour and a half.  I just couldn't stop the racing thoughts about everything and the hypersexual feelings I was having.  I spent a lot of time on the computer looking at pornography and couldn't stop even though I new it wasn't what I really wanted to be doing.  I would have much rather been in bed getting a good night sleep.

Today I have been thinking about sex all day as well as all kinds of other things.  My brain is in fast forward mode.  Bipolar coerced me on it's roller coaster of ups and downs and I can't get off.  I've also been very irritable today.  When I have times like this I easily explode on people I love and look to pick fights whenever possible.  I kept myself isolated today so that my bipolar wouldn't get in the way of anybody else.

At the beginning of this week I had a Lithium level done and got the test results back.  The results showed that I'm at the low end of a therapeutic dose.  My therapist saw the results and suggested that a higher dose of Lithium may help my hypomania.  I'm going to call my nurse practitioner's nurse tomorrow and see if she can talk to my nurse practitioner about raising my Lithium dose.  I would talk to my nurse practitioner myself but my appointment isn't for three weeks.  I just know that I need some relief.  I'm on week number two of Abilify and I haven't had any side effects since the first week and my depression is going away.  So far this drug is working well with the Lithium and with a little bit more Lithium I might be closer to getting stable.