Day 270 "Been A Rough Few Days Since Last Post"

First off today I've had a lot of anxiety and my mood has been low.  I'm being sued by a creditor and pursuing bankruptcy.  The problem with that is that I have zero money and very few possessions.  The whole thong is just very embarrassing and makes me want to cry.  I have like a little over three weeks to get this straightened out or I will have a huge debt hanging over my head that I can't pay.  The part that makes me feel even worse is that my sister was here when I was dealing with this yesterday and offered to give me whatever I needed.  I really appreciate it but feel so bad taking anything from anyone.

Other than that I've been having a lot of anxiety this week.  The first occurred when we had a pretty substantial snow the other morning and I had to drive in the aftermath.  There were many side streets that were untouched and hard to drive on especially in a small car.  In any event I got in to my aunt's allotment and her roads were some that had been untouched and the only way to their house either way is up a hill.  It sent me over the edge and I had to pull over the car for like ten minutes to calm down.  I was afraid I was going to wreck or that someone was going to hit me.  I was terrified.  The part that gets me is that I used to love to drive in any situation.

Another moment of anxiety I had this week was when my sister's children were at the house.  They are three and eight and both of them will jump around and rough house for hours on end.  When they jump around the whole house shakes and it doesn't matter whether I go to the basement or stay upstairs I get very panic stricken.  I get thoughts in my head that the floor is going to break and my stomach gets upset like I may throw up.  I'm not sure but I think I get motion sickness.  At Christmas their were 15 people in the house and just the vibration of the floor from that many people walking around in addition to the kids all jumping around had me nuts.  I try going outside and getting some air when this happens and talking myself through why I have nothing to fear but nothing helps and I end up with a sick feeling in my stomach and head.

Day 266 "Not So Bad Of A Day"

Today hasn't been the worst day I've had lately.  I've had many days where all I do is cry all day and stay in bed.  But today I wanted to be awake even though I did take a short nap.  My mood today while not perfect was in the middle.  I wasn't sad or happy which isn't a bad thing for me.  I've said before that maybe my normal isn't going to be happy all the time.  I just want to bet at a place where I can enjoy my surroundings. 

I don't know how it would work for me and I haven't investigated anything yet but I think that in time I need to get away from the northeast Ohio winters.  The snow and extreme temperatures have really bothered me especially this year.  I have felt like the cold is going to make me sick and that I'm going to die.  I don't know where I would go but I do know that the warmer temperatures would help me out both mentally and physically.

Day 264 "Happy Valentines Day"

Today is one of those made up holidays to get people to spend money.  While I don't believe in those kind of tactics I believe that people should tell those that mean something to them how they feel.  However, it doesn't need to be in the form of a card or flowers.  Writing it down on a napkin or just telling the other person is sufficient with me and costs nothing.  It shouldn't have to cost money to tell someone how you feel.

This week is my Mom's, Dad's (deceased), and little sister's birthday and I want to tell them how much I love each of them and wish them each a Happy Birthday.  I also want to wish the rest of my family a Happy Valentine's Day and let them know how much love I have for each of them.

Today my mood has been pretty even and I haven't had a lot of anxiety.  I didn't follow my diet today and really need to get back on it as my sugar numbers are much more in line when I do.

Click on picture to enlarge.

Day 261 "Bad News And Good News"

Today the bad news of the day is that I continue to feel bad.  My mood is really low and I've been thinking a lot about death.  I'm not thinking about killing myself but that some medical condition is going to kill me.  I've been thinking like this a lot lately and the anxiety along with racing thoughts I get from it drive me up the wall.  I take 3mg of Klonopin per day for anxiety and it doesn't really seem to be doing anything anymore.  I took my last 1mg of Klonopin almost two hours ago and the anxiety is still there.  In addition to all that I have a tooth that is abscessed and since I don't have insurance I go to a clinic and there are so many people that see the dentist there that can't get me in to see him for three months.  My doctor I see there gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to see if it would take away the bad pain I'm having. 

Now for the good news which I don't get much of these days.  When I was at the clinic the other day the woman who runs the front window asked me if I had an income and insurance.  When I told her no she said that I may qualify for Medicaid which has been expanded under the Affordable Care Act.  I went home and read all the material that she gave me and it looks as if I qualify which would allow medical coverage if I'm approved.  I promptly applied for coverage and am now waiting to hear back on what I need to do next.  I'm excited about this and it could be mean some good news for me.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Day 259 "Feeling Better But Still Very Down"

Today I'm feeling better physically.  I still have a couple of days until I'm back on my feet one hundred percent but I'll take the improvement.  Mentally I'm not so good and have been feeling not so good.  I don't know if it's the weather or if it's just me.  I know that I see my new psychiatrist in ten days and I have a lot I want to say.  He's going to give me an assessment and I'm looking forward to seeing what he thinks.  I'm also looking forward to seeing how he wants to handle my care.  It should be interesting.

Day 257 "This has been a rough week"

The temperatures, snow, and sickness have all been out of control the last two months and sickness finally got the best of me.  The last three days I've ha chills, fever, coughing, and sore all over.  I haven't felt like that in a long time.  I think the last time I was that sick I may have been in third or fourth grade.   In addition to feeling horrible physically I also still feel horrible mentally.  I'm just having a rough time and can't wait till I start to feel better.

Day 253 "Am I Losing My Mind?"

Today my mood has been really low.  I started a diet a little over two weeks ago and I'll do good for a few days and then I have a day where I binge eat.  I've even purged a couple of times in the last few weeks.  I live with my Mom and she buys goodies for my niece and nephew that I can't stay away from.  Then my sister is always bringing fast food to the house and I love that as well.  Additionally my cousin wants to go out to eat about once a week and it's never anything low fat.  Everybody looks at me like I'm out in left field when I say that I'm on a diet and need to follow it one hundred percent.  I hear so many times a month from my Mom, sister, and cousin what I should be doing.  They don't have a whole lot of respect for the fact that I found a diabetic diet on my own and since doing my sugar numbers have come down significantly.

In addition to trying to diet, lose some weight, and get my sugar numbers under control I'm hoping that my new psychiatrist is able to get my medications under control.  The last few weeks in addition to having a lot of anxiety and feelings of panic I've been seeing things.  Last night I saw some sort of brown colored creature in my Mom's dining room.  I've live here for forty one years and we've never had a brown animal.  The creepy thing is that I didn't just see it out of the corner of my eye, it was there.  There have been a few other incidents where I have seen things out of the corner of my eye then there gone.  In addition to being depressed, angry, and having feelings of panic I have felt like I'm being watched by something.  It's probably my imagination but I can't shake the feeling.  I'm going to tell the psychiatrist this when I see him and hope he doesn't think I'm nuts.